will my bf ever grow up or marry me?

[samsungxoxo]

My sentiments exactly. He sounds pretty grown up to me.

True. That poster is somewhat stating a good point. Generally if a woman nowadays wants to marry a successful man that goes on many trips with his friends, he must be looking for a successful woman and not just agree to get marry because of the feelings and emotional investment.

[Els]

The part that boggles me the most is that you even WANT to marry a guy like this.

 

Why?

 

Are you going to be happy with being the one putting in all the effort into your R for the rest of your life? Or do you think a marriage is going to automagically (that wasn't a typo, by the way) change him into a loving partner who actually puts in effort?

[kaylan]

Id just like to say this OP.

 

I cant stand that some women like to tell a guy to grow up just because he likes to spend time with his friends or isnt exactly ready for marriage.

 

Just because a guy doesnt do what you want, doesnt mean he "needs to grow up".

 

The problem is both of your relationship goals (they differ), not his maturity. He sees you for a full 2 or 3 days every week, with the rest of the days reserved for friends and work...so I dont see a problem there (he could go to your neighborhood more though).

 

Just talk to him about this. Seems you want to move things forward at a quicker pace than him.

Edited July 2, 2013 by kaylan

[crude]

 

He owns a home. Do you own a home? And you are telling him to grow up?

He is a partner in a successful business. Have you ever owned/run a successful business? And you are telling him to grow up?

 

Maybe he just doesn't like your attitude. Maybe he feels that you are the non-grown-up one, whose idea of how you get through life is to sex a successful man until he marries you. Objectively, isn't he better off without you? What are you proposing to contribute to his life?

 

Maybe you should start thinking about how you can add to his life, how you can contribute. Sex is not enough.

 

 

That's a beautiful post. Marriage doesn't equate to maturity. He's promised you nothing that he hasn't delivered. You've been fooling yourself.

[dizy]

Let me ask you a serious question that also should be considered by every other woman who complains that her SO won't commit or marry her.

 

What exactly is in it for him? Marriage is an increasingly bad deal for men in America today. He is giving up a lot: his independence and autonomy, and is taking on a substantial risk due to biases in the American courts. If her has children with you, there is a 50% chance you and him will divorce, and if this occurs, an 80% chance that he will lose most of his time with his children. Moreover, the financial obligations he will incur will follow him for years. Plus, given that many American women in their 20s and 30s are feminists, getting married means joining households and lives with someone who may not be very feminine or even like men very much.

 

Marriage rates in America are dropping fast for a reason, and this doesn't seem likely to change in the near future. My suggestion: If you want him to propose, give him a reason to want to marry you (and no, sex isn't the reason -- he can probably get sex any time he wants with or without you).

 

 

No reason except that he is dating someone who wants to get married. Get off your high horses about divorce and marriage. Women are the main care givers for kids and take care of household chores. Does this guy have zero need to cook and clean for himself if he never gets married?

If he doesn't want marriage, which is perfectly fine, maybe he should make it clear since the beginning of the relationship? There are women who don't want commitment or marriage too.

[samsungxoxo]

Those same cowardly pathetic selfish losers only got with the "marrying kind" because the only way to get the girl was to lie and deceive her by "future faking" the hell out of her. My buddies and I were scoring all the wild, crazy, fast and hot women because those tools didn't stand a chance. So they go and pick on the innocent women who want something "more" and use it to their own selfish advantage. How pathetic, sick and twisted is that and I'm a guy saying this.

I agree. If the guy is going to be playing the fields, then he can always find the female equivalent of him instead of messing with us who never like casual sex and partying like crazy.

 

I've never moved in with a bf and never will. Only engaged, with a set date and the invitations passed out then I'll move in with him.

 

I had to break up with my then bf because of the lies too (3-4 years of nonsense). Though I didn't move in with him, he knew clearly that I was a home girl and virgin at the time. A couple months later, he asked if I would marry him but at the time I didn't realize it was just deceiving words. My father indeed hates him (slighty more than my mother) till this day; he did once said how he'll never forgive him.

 

Something that now creeps me out is when he once had an argument with my mother, after she told him how I wasn't a party girl and stop the bs, she's an innocent child (though I was 19 then, now I'm 26), he told her something like this:

I know she's innocent, that's why I fell in love with her even more. I love her. I don't know why you think badly of me.

Edited July 2, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[kaylan]

Talk about shaming by kiss butt dorks making assumptions about this womans bf. All in one post we have a guy (Skid Mark) boasting about how hes a big casanova who gets the hot babes, while kissing the butt of the "innocent" girls at the same time by putting down other men. Well Im glad you can come to an internet forum and making yourself sound appealing to all women xD

 

How the hell do we know if his guy is or isnt the marrying type? We dont know the ins or outs of their relationship or personalities. It could very well be that the guy doesnt feel he or their relationship is ready for marriage.

 

Why shame someone over it?

 

Grow the fvk up. Jeez. Im so sick of people putting down folks who dont settle down when THEY want them to. Or folks who make character assumptions simply because someone hasnt settled down in a certain time frame they deem acceptable.

Edited July 2, 2013 by kaylan

[SJC2008]

Id just like to say this OP.

 

I cant stand that some women like to tell a guy to grow up just because he likes to spend time with his friends or isnt exactly ready for marriage.

 

Just because a guy doesnt do what you want, doesnt mean he "needs to grow up".

 

The problem is both of your relationship goals (they differ), not his maturity. He sees you for a full 2 or 3 days every week, with the rest of the days reserved for friends and work...so I dont see a problem there (he could go to your neighborhood more though).

 

Just talk to him about this. Seems you want to move things forward at a quicker pace than him.

 

While I agree with you on her poor word choice in "grow up" it's not the problem so why focus on it?

 

Dollars to donuts this is a classic case of a woman chasing Mr. Unavailable. She goes to him and that's it. He doesn't go to her and he doesn't have to. For one, because he doesn't want to and two, she's not demanding balance in their relationship i.e. enforcing her boundaries. Only a woman who has to prove herself/win a man over will chase him endlessly. I had/have the same problem. I'm aware if it and trying to not get into situations like that. Anyway, there will be no proposal and deep down inside OP knows it. She's rationalizing everything because she doesn't want to face reality. We've all been there:(

[Titania22]

OP are there any updates. Have you decided anything? Have you talked to him?

[Janesays]

OP are there any updates. Have you decided anything? Have you talked to him?

 

Rather than keep arguing over the OP's poor word choices, I'm really interested in an update too!

[MidwestUSA]

Rather than keep arguing over the OP's poor word choices, I'm really interested in an update too!

 

Me too! But I've read some interesting viewpoints here, I gotta say.

 

 

Actually, OP has been "happy" with the way things have gone these three years. The precedent is set. There is no doubt in my mind that, should she "pressure" her BF for marriage, and succeed, he would not change his ways. And I'm not implying that he should. He will still go out with the boys during the week, still take trips, still tend to his business. Only difference is that she would be home waiting for him. She would be ready anytime there is a family affair (his side). She'll continue to be available, for his needs. It's simply a difference in beliefs. So, if she wants more of the same, she should marry him!

 

 

There is no "growing up" to do, but there would have to be a lot of acceptance (on her part).

 

 

Great points about him being a homeowner and running a business!

 

 

And now I'm off to look up the origin of the phase "dollars to doughnuts". Google is my friend.

[lush lady]

OP are there any updates. Have you decided anything? Have you talked to him?

 

No I haven't. I will not see him until this weekend. But I came here because I really don't want to pressure him.

 

I really do appreciate all the responses please excuse my poor word choice of grow up. I didn't necessarily think that through and I agree that doesn't mean one is not grown up if that don't marry, however that is just dumb people are focusing on that. I also think it's dumb for people to argue that someone with a house is grown up and mature. Owning a home does not equal emotional maturity what so ever if you ask me. Either way that's not the issue I was addressing.

 

I think I am becoming more anxious about his committing to me as of late because I found out that he has contacted his ex every few months throughout my relationship with him. He did end it with her so I don't know why he is contacting her. I then looked up his ex and I'm seeing that she is prettier than me. However, I am a few years younger than her so that's probably a huge benefit I have over her. But why is he contacting someone he dumped either way?

[MidwestUSA]

I think I am becoming more anxious about his committing to me as of late because I found out that he has contacted his ex every few months throughout my relationship with him. He did end it with her so I don't know why he is contacting her. I then looked up his ex and I'm seeing that she is prettier than me. However, I am a few years younger than her so that's probably a huge benefit I have over her. But why is he contacting someone he dumped either way?

 

She's prettier than you, but you're younger, so you have an edge? Oh dear, your problems run deeper than having a BF who won't "grow up", or however we're phrasing it now. These are the factors by which you believe he should choose the person he wants to be with?

[crederer]

So....he doesn't want to get married yet which means he hasn't grown up? A lot of guys don't want to get married. As someone else said, it's often a weak deal for the man.

 

Also, I know many men that got married because they felt pressured into it. Do you want a guy to marry you simply because he felt so much pressure that he just caved?

[kaylan]

Let me repeat Skidmark, instead of replying point by point to your needlessly long-winded response;

 

How do YOU know all these things you assume about OPs guy? All you are doing is insulting and shaming the guy based upon assumptions. Unless the OP tells us more about him or she actually has a discussion with him about her concerns, youre making a lot of unfounded assumptions.

 

So Im gonna call it like I see it. Now ride your horse away until we have more info.

[Pierre]

I am 27 years old and am dating a guy who is 31, for three years now.

 

We live about an hour away from each other. I go to his house every weekend (for the most part) and stay all weekend. He never comes to see me during the week, even though his job allows him to have the time, he just doesnt. During the week he spends the majority of his time with his business partner/best friend and other friends.

 

I am involved with his family and go to all his holidays and family functions. He doesnt want to go to mine, but I dont care bc I like his family so much that I give up Christmas, Easter to be with his family. His family is awesome and treats me like family and we take family pics and i am included and they are all over facebook. I have also taken vacations with him and his family. HIs family tags me and him in these pics on facebook but he never puts me in his profile pics, but he isnt a big facebook person either...he barely goes on and neither do i really.

 

He has also taken me on vacation alone; however he takes a lot of business trips/vacations with his business partner/best friend. Twice this year they went to vegas. They have to go there for work but they also post things about them partying there and staying out late. He barely, if ever goes to bars or clubs when he is not away.

 

On weekends we typically do house work stuff or hang out with his friends and family. He owns a home (an hour away from where I live) and never has mentioned me moving in there or getting a job closer to where he lives so that maybe we could see each other more during the week.

 

When I met him he was 28 and he had just been out of a relationship with someone he dated on and off for 7 years. He never told me this but I did some research.

 

I think I am better off because I got him when he is older, but I am starting to think this man hasnt grown up and I dont know if I should wait around for him to grow up. We do talk about what things would be like when married and stuff and kids one day.

 

Thoughts?

 

Do you ever discuss marriage with this guy?

 

Do you ever say: Where is this going? Are we getting married?

[lush lady]

Do you ever discuss marriage with this guy?

 

Do you ever say: Where is this going? Are we getting married?

 

NO. But like i said he has said things like, when were married or when we have kids, etc.

[lush lady]

Let me repeat Skidmark, instead of replying point by point to your needlessly long-winded response;

 

How do YOU know all these things you assume about OPs guy? All you are doing is insulting and shaming the guy based upon assumptions. Unless the OP tells us more about him or she actually has a discussion with him about her concerns, youre making a lot of unfounded assumptions.

 

So Im gonna call it like I see it. Now ride your horse away until we have more info.

 

what else do you need to know about him?

[kaylan]

what else do you need to know about him?

Well the most important information is what you can tell us after you have a talk with him about your concerns. Until then, I think a lot of the assumptions being made by some are off base.

 

Btw, a lot of guys are taught to wait for the girl to bring up meaningful marriage discussions. The same way we are taught to wait for a girl to bring up relationship talk if we are just dating casually.

 

So if you arent talking to him about these things, I really dont understand why folks are jumping to so many conclusions about him.

Edited July 2, 2013 by kaylan

[kaylan]

^TL;DR.

 

A few sentences that I write do not require such long winded responses. Jeez bro. My point stands. Until we have more info, your assumptions about the guy are off base. OP hasnt ever talked to this dude about marriage.

 

So hold on to your britches and calm down.

[lush lady]

Lol. So, should I be threatened by his ex? She's prettier but I'm younger and he has been with me for three years now

[MidwestUSA]

Lol. So, should I be threatened by his ex? She's prettier but I'm younger and he has been with me for three years now

 

This has taken a disturbing turn.

[Sunshine87]

Lol. So, should I be threatened by his ex? She's prettier but I'm younger and he has been with me for three years now

 

Doesn't matter if she is prettier or if you are younger. Many men choose to marry women older than them. Man men date very pretty girls but end up married to "the girl next door" type of beauty. The emotional bond the man has with the woman is actually more important.

 

Ild pull back and start dating other people.

[Pierre]

NO. But like i said he has said things like, when were married or when we have kids, etc.

 

Why are you unable to discuss marriage? Are you afraid this may turn him off? If he gets turn off then you have an answer.

 

You must let this guy know you want a wedding. He is not a mind reader.

[lush lady]

Why are you unable to discuss marriage? Are you afraid this may turn him off? If he gets turn off then you have an answer.

 

You must let this guy know you want a wedding. He is not a mind reader.

 

how many times do i have to say the same thing. if you are going to respond at least read the thread. ive said numerous times that him and i discuss future plans, not specifics but when we get married type stuff. and like other people said not to do and i dont want to do.. is pressure him and be like exactly when are you proposing or going to make more an effort w me.

 

my questions:

1. being that he talks about the future (even brings things up on his own) , does that mean i am the one or is this just something guys tell every girl they are dating?

2. what about his ex- should i be concerned that he dumped his ex and then randomly contacts her while dating me?

3. maybe he is just not ready to marry yet...but do you think i will be the one he marries when he becomes ready since he will have all these great memories with me and his family, holidays, vacations, just hanging out, helping him with house work, etc?

Edited July 2, 2013 by lush lady