will my bf ever grow up or marry me?

[Titania22]

If women don't need men like that then why do so many still complain about men being commitment phobes. I don't get that. Men constantly hear this I don't need a man stuff in one breath then we how we never grow up and run away from commitment in the next. Which one is it?

 

It's different women. I don't think the ones complaining about men not wanting to get married are the ones that don't want to get married. Women that don't want children complain that all men want children. Women that don't want to get married complain about men equated commitment to marriage. Women that want children, complain about men not wanting children.

 

You aren't going to get a consensus from women about what we want.

[FitChick]

I predict this guy will dump this chick and meet someone else whom he will marry within the first year. That's how these stories pan out. Men marry when they are ready to, not necessarily when they meet the right woman.

 

I suspect the guy's previous girlfriend got tired of waiting for a proposal and dumped him. OP should casually date men locally during the week to see if there are any sparks. She might actually meet someone better.

Edited July 4, 2013 by FitChick

[miss_jaclynrae]

If women don't need men like that then why do so many still complain about men being commitment phobes. I don't get that. Men constantly hear this I don't need a man stuff in one breath then we how we never grow up and run away from commitment in the next. Which one is it?

 

 

 

 

 

Ever heard of need versus want?

C'mon now, no one needs a house, people can live without one, but everyone wants one still.

 

 

I could one hundred percent live without a man and support myself, and still have a fulfilling life. That doesn't mean I want to live without one. Lol men don't need women either, but they want them. I can't believe that is so hard for you to wrap your head around.

[kaylan]

Marriage rates are dropping among hetero couples, but not for the reasons you mentioned. See my signature. WOMEN are realizing they can have it all, without a man. A man still needs a uterus to have it all.

Nope...I can use adoption to have it all =D

[lush lady]

Yes, this is very common behavior by men, it's called cake-eating and having a little bit of everything in his life without having to commit to one thing. You're just one part of that...you're like a part of the yard where you put the tool shed, and the tool shed if it had a brain would be thinking "One day, I'll get the whole yard...instead of this little corner"...it doesn't make sense though, that's not what it's supposed to be, it belongs in that corner.

 

 

So how long do you think he will "string me along" because I just cant understand how he would want to sit home with me all weekend,every weekend if he barely likes me, rather than go out to bars, clubs with his friends?

 

 

He's not ready to give up his current life...it's not about growing up, it's about moving on to the next phase of their lives for men. Right now you're in the phase of his life where he is not pursuing those things...in these cases men choose different types of women to interact and associate themselves with...you're not the "long-term girl", that's why he's choosing to be with you now, because you are passive, convenient and stick by his side...he depends on you, but not as an equal partner...he's in a sense "using" you for his needs without so much worrying about what you need in want in your

 

Do ALL men think this? Do ALL men move to the next phase and then want to choose a new GF? maybe that is just how YOU are.

 

 

Because when he was with his ex for 7 years, and this was at a time in his life that were significant and transitional...

 

How do you know that was a significant time in his life? Are you saying he loves her more than me because of the time in his life? Actually he became a successful business owner and quit his original career when he was dating me so isnt that very significant?

 

You are a different kind of a relationship, someone he chose in the state of many emotions that he still had to work out with his ex...when you get in a relationship with someone just out of a long-term one....you're not getting the whole person, you're getting someone off balanced emotionally and mentally, and some people may argue that but it's in my opinion it takes years to really work through a long-term relationship...it doesn't take mere months or a few, I know human beings too well to buy that...no matter what they say about their last relationship ending or just being this or that in the end and not really significant...trust me I've heard it all and whether they realize it or not it's not the truth IMO...not the truth at all.

 

Well how do you know he wasnt over the ex for a year or even two years or whatever before he started dating me. He pretty much could have had her back at any time the whole first year he was with me, and he chose me over her! I highly doubt he views the beginning of our relationship as him being in a vulnerable state and that im not important bc would he really still be with me if he did? his ex responds to him so he probabaly can have her back now also if he wanted but he chooses to stay w me.

[PlumPrincess]

You're wasting your time arguing on the internet. Instead you should go to your boyfriend and ask him clear questions about your situation with him. I think everybody here has given you similar advice. You can now spend your time challenging each of us and trying to prove us wrong or you talk with your boyfriend who has all the answers.

[lush lady]

im not arguing with anyone , i am trying to learn a few things.

[SensitiveTJ]

I must confess, I am confused as to why this thread has reached ten pages. It's really quite simple. Men get married when 1) They want to/are ready to and 2) They have a woman in their life they believe is good enough to warrant the marriage commitment.

 

 

I mean, it's not that complicated. For OP, if your boyfriend doesn't feel he is ready or interested in marriage, you can either wait longer or walk.

 

 

 

If he's ready (only he knows this) and it's not happening...well, he's just not that into you.

[lush lady]

my bf is not ready to marry, but that is one of the questions im asking....when he becomes ready, will he want a different gf or will he want me- the person who has been by his side for 3+ years, made a lot of memories, spent vacations, holidays, and almost every wkend with him.

[SoleMate]

... I haven't [talked to him].....I came here because I really don't want to pressure him.

I hope you see that no one here is asking or advising you to pressure him. Instead, we are nearly uniform in suggesting that you ask him what his intentions are and even more importantly, woman up and grow up yourself and understand that your bf has been clear, consistent and semi-honest all along with his actions, even if his words and admissions are lacking in full disclosure. He has modelled a one-sided relationship that is perfectly designed around his unique preferences, which are DIFFERENT from yours.

 

You have repeatedly expressed surprise at his behavior, because of your unspoken assumption that naturally he should be marriage-minded and doing everything he can in his life to drive his life car towards that end goal of marriage. He has shown clearly that marriage with you is NOT a goal.

 

Once again, the person who needs pressure put on her is you. I would like to see you have that hard conversation - just with yourself. Open your eyes to his actions and draw the logical inferences. If you want a 2-way marriage with a committed man, you should be looking elsewhere.

[SensitiveTJ]

my bf is not ready to marry, but that is one of the questions im asking....when he becomes ready, will he want a different gf or will he want me- the person who has been by his side for 3+ years, made a lot of memories, spent vacations, holidays, and almost every wkend with him.

 

 

You're assuming that one day he will be interested in getting married. What if he never wants to? What will you do then? This is why you should talk to him;)

[SoleMate]

my bf is not ready to marry, but that is one of the questions im asking....when he becomes ready, will he want a different gf or will he want me- the person who has been by his side for 3+ years, made a lot of memories, spent vacations, holidays, and almost every wkend with him.

Those 3 years of special times, with you at his beck and call, mean a lot to you but I see no evidence whatsoever that they are special to him. Better to know that now, than years in the future.

 

If you don't believe me, you can evaluate his commitment by letting him know you'd like a 2-way arrangement, so he can drive to visit you next weekend (and for the next 3 years too). Also, holidays will be shared between families and your family has been missing out so they would like the next 3 or 4 holidays at your parents' house.

[PlumPrincess]

If you don't believe me, you can evaluate his commitment by letting him know you'd like a 2-way arrangement, so he can drive to visit you next weekend (and for the next 3 years too). Also, holidays will be shared between families and your family has been missing out so they would like the next 3 or 4 holidays at your parents' house.

I'd like to see his reaction, too! I guess, you would not even need to have a proper talk about marriage if you do that. If he's not willing to make an effort for you, then you can forget about him considering a marriage with you.

[SoleMate]

So how long do you think he will "string me along" because I just cant understand how he would want to sit home with me all weekend,every weekend if he barely likes me, rather than go out to bars, clubs with his friends?

He likes you fine as a compliant companion and available, convenient sex partner. That's just not the same thing as wanting to marry. Maybe it is for you, but clearly not for him.

 

He will string you along for as many years as:

 

1) You continue to fill the compliant, convenient role (no rocking the boat)

 

2) He has not yet met the woman he truly will want to commit to

 

So, this could easily last for years. But if I were you, I'd be looking for the earliest possible exit.

[SoleMate]

he acts and talks like he sees me in his future but i just felt like his actions say otherwise....

Yes.

 

...and THAT is the main reason i came here for opinions....

You were right to do so. I'm happy you are asking now, not years in the future.

[lush lady]

does anyone agree with the things ninja wrote to me? and can anyone else answer the questions i asked him?

[Els]

If you don't believe me, you can evaluate his commitment by letting him know you'd like a 2-way arrangement, so he can drive to visit you next weekend (and for the next 3 years too). Also, holidays will be shared between families and your family has been missing out so they would like the next 3 or 4 holidays at your parents' house.

 

Strongly agree.

 

Marriage certainly isn't the only way of showing commitment/love. Unfortunately I'm not seeing any OTHER demonstrations of commitment/love from this guy, though.

[Ninjainpajamas]

So how long do you think he will "string me along" because I just cant understand how he would want to sit home with me all weekend,every weekend if he barely likes me, rather than go out to bars, clubs with his friends?

 

The length of time is dependent on his agenda, If he's pretty busy with his business and enjoying his life the way it is...he might be conditioned by the relationship and ride it out as long as he can, he might not even be concerned or worried...once you open your mouth though and start asking questions, he'll have to shift or make some decisions at that point if he realizes this is "not working" anymore...depends on how many waves you cause and his agenda/external influences/other women/options.

I think the biggest problem for you is accepting the fact that many men can and do this exact same behavior because it's convenient, because it's accommodating, because they are into a routine, because it's easy.

 

Why would he need to go out every weekend when he can just go somewhere far and away/another city and let loose without anyone become suspicious or being aware of this behavior? it doesn't mean he has to party every single weekend or night, he's not exactly in his early 20's.

 

The guy is 31, I'm 32 myself...I don't want to be out every weekend, or need to be either.

Do ALL men think this? Do ALL men move to the next phase and then want to choose a new GF? maybe that is just how YOU are.

 

Many men do this and think like this...but they're not going to come out and put it in writing for you...not like I am.

 

Judging by his behavior he's fitting the mold pretty firmly, there's really just a lot of strong evidence to suggest that is even universally agreed upon by the community, there is usually a divide even in the worst of circumstances so the fact that this is pretty transparent to most people should be a sign to you.

 

IMO men usually also go through different women depending on the phases/transitions of their lives, they usually are selective of a woman to "fulfill that role" based on his current needs or desires/emotions...men make more rational decisions than emotional ones, especially business minded ones. Therefore If he's continuing at this pace then you are likely someone he doesn't consider long-term material, that would probably have been something he wasn't ready for or interested in at that time...if he shifts his desires to long-term, you might no longer be necessary...he might not either have those emotions or see that potential in you and just find a way/reason to exit the relationship. No, this is not something a man will or even can say to you, to your face...men again, are not going to spell it out for you, almost ever.

 

Personally, at his age I'm not interested in doing what he's doing, i don't need a part time/live-in GF that doesn't have a clue or know any better about my real intentions, nor would I hide them...I wouldn't be playing those games personally.I would have have told you and been honest with you about what the relationship was really about If I was in his shoes, as to not waste your time and have to tell you after he fact just so it's convenient for me...whether you asked or not I would have told you what the situation was.

How do you know that was a significant time in his life? Are you saying he loves her more than me because of the time in his life? Actually he became a successful business owner and quit his original career when he was dating me so isnt that very significant?

 

Because the mid 20's tend to be, very much so for men and even women, they're just formative times in ours lives. It's where they grow up and learn to figure ourselves out and we go through that with our partner if we were in a relationship, then the next step out of a long-term and emotionally encumbered experience you tend not to want to jump into anything quickly again for a while.

 

The only significance I see with him dating you during this transition only more firmly justifies my opinion rather than derails it...you're kind of looking at the whole situation backwards in a way or upside down...you're associating your presence in his life as in indication of being relevant to his progress...he's older than you and already had a plan, which is why a girl like you accommodate the situation so well...a girl in her 30's or around his age would be less likely to be his weekend GF and would likely be more insistent on "settling down" whereas, 3 years in you're just getting there and pointing at your watch wondering "when it's going to happen"...that is the benefit for older men dating younger women, more control, less expectation...generally, more time to burn, more slack for men.

Well how do you know he wasnt over the ex for a year or even two years or whatever before he started dating me. He pretty much could have had her back at any time the whole first year he was with me, and he chose me over her! I highly doubt he views the beginning of our relationship as him being in a vulnerable state and that im not important bc would he really still be with me if he did? his ex responds to him so he probabaly can have her back now also if he wanted but he chooses to stay w me.

 

Because he doesn't sound or act like it...he's acting like a guy to me who still has a strong emotional attachment to his ex...and being how clueless and uninformed you are with the relationship as a whole....that's a clear indication that a guy is stringing you along...there's no transparency in your relationship, huge flag and likely partly intentional.

 

Of course he could have her back during this time, but that might not have been where he was during that time, they already tried for seven years after all...by now some time has passed, he's in a different stage of his life etc...it just depends on where he is at emotionally/mentally...that whole situation/relationship I'm sure would explain a lot, but no offense but I'd hardly take your word or insight on that relationship...the reality is likely very different than what your perception is, which is very simple and with a lot of assumptions...his behavior says the opposite of pretty much everything you claim...it's just not adding up.

 

But you can defend and justify it all you want...I understand why you would want to do that...but the lack of communication you have is already crippling...the guy spent 7 years in a relationship, I'm pretty confident that if he had these greater expectations or took your very seriously he would be able to figure out how to talk to you about the relationship or whatever there is that comes up...and he also has the experience of what not to talk about or bring up, which makes the whole thing sound very suspicious.

 

After 3 years with this guy, don't you think you should know a little bit more about what's going on?

[Ninjainpajamas]

my bf is not ready to marry, but that is one of the questions im asking....when he becomes ready, will he want a different gf or will he want me- the person who has been by his side for 3+ years, made a lot of memories, spent vacations, holidays, and almost every wkend with him.

 

Sadly...I know what this feels like for women in the sense that "my god, how can he just give that away, or let that go" but yes, a lot of men can.

 

Because those memories to you, may not have been the same kind of experience as it was for him...you have to realize that is your perception, your emotions at work, your thoughts/feelings are your own...it doesn't necessarily mean the man feels the same way about you...even though it might seem like it.

 

People can very much just go through the motions, I've seen men and women do this...you cannot know how much exactly that other person experienced...but you see it all the time, one person is left shocked and bewildered that the emotional reciprocation overall was not to a degree...a reality.

[Titania22]

my bf is not ready to marry, but that is one of the questions im asking....when he becomes ready, will he want a different gf or will he want me- the person who has been by his side for 3+ years, made a lot of memories, spent vacations, holidays, and almost every wkend with him.

 

I wouldn't say the bolded, because it's leading him to lie and tell you what you want to hear. He will probably tell you what you want to hear anyway, but I wouldn't do that, because it comes across like emotional blackmail.

[hoping2heal]

It's been 3 years and it's all about him, on his terms, and you're happy to oblige that. Marriage and kids? Come on, this guy can hardly seen two inches past his own nose.

[KatZee]

So how long do you think he will "string me along" because I just cant understand how he would want to sit home with me all weekend,every weekend if he barely likes me, rather than go out to bars, clubs with his friends?

 

My ex did this with me for three years. He had zero intention every marrying me or having a future with me.

 

He was just like your boyfriend now. Everything revolved around him. He pretty much controlled the entire relationship.

 

We spent weekend nights in, we went on family vacations, 6 of them to be exact. I invested so much time, effort, blah blah blah. Does it matter? Nope.

 

 

How do you know that was a significant time in his life? Actually he became a successful business owner and quit his original career when he was dating me so isnt that very significant?

 

Because of me my ex left a job he hated of 3 years. He enrolled in graduate school. He got accepted to graduate school. I supported, encouraged, and cheered him on for a year and a half while he moved out of state go earn his Master's degree. Because of me he found the career path he wanted to go down. Because of me, he has the job he's always wanted and he's rising in the ranks.

 

Did it matter? Nope.

 

These things do not equal the other. Just because you've done all of the above, just as I did, doesn't mean you're getting a ring.

[CherryT]

my bf is not ready to marry, but that is one of the questions im asking....when he becomes ready, will he want a different gf or will he want me- the person who has been by his side for 3+ years, made a lot of memories, spent vacations, holidays, and almost every wkend with him.

 

This is what we're trying to tell you. Except you don't want to accept anything else but "yes, when he is ready, he will marry you".

 

I'm going to state this again... just because you spent 3 years with this guy it doesn't mean that he wants to COMMIT to you. He hasn't even committed a weekend in your town or has he committed to family events of yours. Just his.

 

While no one can tell you for sure whether or not he will want a different girlfriend when he is ready or if he'll ever be ready for that matter, what I can tell from your posts and how you describe him is that all signs CLEARLY states that you are NOT the one. If he thought you were the one he would spend more time in your town or make that effort to see you. If you were the one he would spend more time with your family because YOUR feelings and YOUR surroundings should be important to him. If YOU were the one he would want to spend more time with you and would at least talk about you moving closer and spending more time with him. He doesn't want that. He wants to continue having you at an arms length.

 

I can tell you that your story is not unique and that it is a classic case of a guy getting what he wants and doesn't want to change it. Even if you were to threaten to leave, I don't think that that would do much for you. This guy is getting what he wants without having to put effort into it. If you demanded more of your relationship and the progression of it (which you have all the right to do!!) I bet he would outweigh what you want to how much he loves you and decide that he loves you enough for the way your current situation is, but he doesn't love you enough to put more effort into your relationship (i.e. coming to you or even committing/getting married). If there is no burning love where he even wants to be with you during the week... it won't get better.

 

At the end of the day, we don't know you in person. We have no need to give you anything but our opinions. There is nothing in it for us. We see a classic story of a girl wasting her time and settling for someone who doesn't even try in their relationship. We're telling you to walk away because we believe that you won't get what you want based on the facts you've given us. And we don't understand why you even want to marry a guy who doesn't put in effort? Wouldn't you want to marry someone who thinks about our happiness?

 

So to conclude: You can wait and be disappointed and never again will you get these years back to find someone who truly cannot live without you. OR, you can walk away now and find someone who wants the same things. There is NO guarantee that he will marry you. There is NO guarantee that he'll ever want to be married. But YOU have control over yourself.

[Untouchable_Fire]

What does effort have to do with it? No it takes him no effort to bring me around to his family occasions but if he sees no future with me wouldn't he just go alone?

 

True... effort in many cases is meaningless.

 

I think I am becoming more anxious about his committing to me as of late because I found out that he has contacted his ex every few months throughout my relationship with him. He did end it with her so I don't know why he is contacting her. I then looked up his ex and I'm seeing that she is prettier than me. However, I am a few years younger than her so that's probably a huge benefit I have over her. But why is he contacting someone he dumped either way?

my questions:

1. being that he talks about the future (even brings things up on his own) , does that mean i am the one or is this just something guys tell every girl they are dating?

2. what about his ex- should i be concerned that he dumped his ex and then randomly contacts her while dating me?

3. maybe he is just not ready to marry yet...but do you think i will be the one he marries when he becomes ready since he will have all these great memories with me and his family, holidays, vacations, just hanging out, helping him with house work, etc?

 

Most guys don't date a woman long term and talk about marriage and kids unless they see that in the future with the woman.

 

To my opinion marriage isn't something that hits a guy as a life stage. It's more of a relationship stage. If I want to marry a woman... but I'm not ready yet... I would take that to mean either I'm not financially set, or I'm expecting her to change at some point to become marriage material.

 

Because he doesn't sound or act like it...he's acting like a guy to me who still has a strong emotional attachment to his ex...and being how clueless and uninformed you are with the relationship as a whole....that's a clear indication that a guy is stringing you along...there's no transparency in your relationship, huge flag and likely partly intentional.

 

I really disagree with this. There isn't enough information to be able to make a solid determination as to his current relationship to the ex... or even why they split.

 

I have a number of X's that I still speak to... that doesn't mean I ever want to date them again.

[SoleMate]

does anyone agree with the things ninja wrote to me? and can anyone else answer the questions i asked him?

Ninja is giving you the same basic message as nearly everyone else: this man is not committed to you and your investment of 3 years will bear no fruit.

 

Ninja went a bit further to talk about stages and transitions and you had many urgent questions about that. I consider those remarks speculative and general, rather than based on any facts you have provided. I recommend you focus on the known facts rather than speculation.

 

Since you are racked by questions that aren't getting answered, and I don't trust your bf's words, I continue to suggest you use actions to give your bf a chance to demonstrate his commitment: visiting on your schedule at your place.