will my bf ever grow up or marry me?

[nescafe1982]

Wow- what a thread.

LushLady, you talked to him, he told you he's "not ready," and he didn't give you a timeline for when/how he will become ready. He doesn't want to marry, or he doesn't want to marry you. It's painful to hear but now you know. Break up with him, grieve for a bit, then move on to men who are available for the commitment you seek.

Honestly though? Dude sounds like a total scumbag. I think you'll have dodged a bullet.

[lush lady]

so my boyfriend finally posted 2 pics of me on his Facebook...and he tagged me in them! Him and his friends came into my town on Halloween and took my friends and I out. We dressed up and had fun! Then he posted 2 pics of me! I think we are making some progress !!

[Woggle]

so my boyfriend finally posted 2 pics of me on his Facebook...and he tagged me in them! Him and his friends came into my town on Halloween and took my friends and I out. We dressed up and had fun! Then he posted 2 pics of me! I think we are making some progress !!

 

This doesn't really say anything.

[lush lady]

What? How is that not a big deal? It took him over 3 years to put a pic of me on facebook! It obv means a lot to him since he waited so long.

[d0nnivain]

lush lady --

 

I didn't read through all of this but if you started this thread wondering if you would ever get engaged to this man, I think you are selling yourself short by being this excited because after 3 years he posted a picture of you on FB. Yes it's progress, but at his pace you will be engaged by the time you are ready to retire.

[Million.to.1]

The fact that you are excited about him tagging you in a pic on FB is utterly ridiculous.

 

You are living in a dreamland. You have created a relationship that requires little effort from him.

If he really loved and cared about you, he would make an effort to visit you, he would spend time with your family, not because he really likes them, but because its the right thing to do, and it would make you happy.

My boyfriend hangs out with my dad even though my dad is socially inept and they are TOTALLY different in every way. My dad is hard work. Nice guy, but HARD work. But my boyfriend puts in a stella effort FOR ME.

 

He also moved from the other side of the planet and gave up seeing all his friends and family (who are amazing) to give our relationship a go. That's EFFORT. He wants a future with me and i can see that by the massive actions and steps he has taken to make that happen.

 

The fact that you are celebrating FB photos, comparing yourself in age and "prettiness" to his ex, and have hardly listened to any of the great advice offered to you on this thread leads me to the conclusion that you are extremely immature and have a warped perspective on what a relationship actually is. (ie: it is not only spending weekends together).

 

You have already set the standard for this relationship. You put in all the effort and he does sweet F.A.

You can't expect him to change now. Him saying he is "not ready" is a cop out. He won't ever be ready with you.

 

You need to learn that someone who makes no sacrifices and no real effort in any way for you does not see you wife material.

 

I agree with ever other poster in this thread that you need to talk to HIM. But i don't think it will make any difference. It's pretty clear that this isn't going to end well. Best you leave while you have time to meet/ date and start something serious with someone who will actually make an effort to create a relationship you both want.

[snowflakes88]

so my boyfriend finally posted 2 pics of me on his Facebook...and he tagged me in them! Him and his friends came into my town on Halloween and took my friends and I out. We dressed up and had fun! Then he posted 2 pics of me! I think we are making some progress !!

 

Jesus, this is sad.

[Phantom888]

It's really sad and lame how boys are raised to grow up to be selfish Man-Childs in this day and age. No accountability. No responsibility. Just cowardice, non-committal flakes.

 

Believe it or not, a man knows when you are THE ONE really early on. I would say within the first 6 months of exclusive dating. Every man knows this little "secret" whether or not he admits it. This is the way we are programmed.

 

If he drags you on for years without committing or discussing the future, then he already knows you are not the one for him. He is basically using you for comfort, free sex, companionship, and a punching bag. He will keep leading you on until he meets THE ONE, and then he will dump you quickly, and marry that new girl. This is how selfish Man-Childs behave, and unfortunately, there are so many of them in our society today, partly because women encourage their behavior. These men are not penalized for acting this way. Why is it that women in the western world are the only ones desperate for commitment? Women in Asia don't ever have that issue. Maybe there is something to learn from them?

 

Our society perceives marriage as a restrictive binding act that traps men. This is the wrong perception, and really the wrong attitude. I think men should be re-educated about how to treat a woman, and commitment isn't something to fear. I was married at a very young age for 12 years. The marriage was bad. But I learned that I am happiest when I am in a loving relationship, and now that I have found THE ONE, I am giving her the best of me.

 

Bottom line: A man who truly loves his woman would be motivated to put a ring on her. If he can't commit, then he doesn't really love her. Actions speak louder than words. Even the most slippery players will want to commit when he meets THE ONE. That's how men are programmed biologically. If your man can't commit after a long period of time, then he obviously doesn't not see you in his future. You can't change him.

[Woggle]

It's really sad and lame how boys are raised to grow up to be selfish Man-Childs in this day and age. No accountability. No responsibility. Just cowardice, non-committal flakes.

 

Believe it or not, a man knows when you are THE ONE really early on. I would say within the first 6 months of exclusive dating. Every man knows this little "secret" whether or not he admits it. This is the way we are programmed.

 

If he drags you on for years without committing or discussing the future, then he already knows you are not the one for him. He is basically using you for comfort, free sex, companionship, and a punching bag. He will keep leading you on until he meets THE ONE, and then he will dump you quickly, and marry that new girl. This is how selfish Man-Childs behave, and unfortunately, there are so many of them in our society today, partly because women encourage their behavior. These men are not penalized for acting this way. Why is it that women in the western world are the only ones desperate for commitment? Women in Asia don't ever have that issue. Maybe there is something to learn from them?

 

Our society perceives marriage as a restrictive binding act that traps men. This is the wrong perception, and really the wrong attitude. I think men should be re-educated about how to treat a woman, and commitment isn't something to fear. I was married at a very young age for 12 years. The marriage was bad. But I learned that I am happiest when I am in a loving relationship, and now that I have found THE ONE, I am giving her the best of me.

 

Bottom line: A man who truly loves his woman would be motivated to put a ring on her. If he can't commit, then he doesn't really love her. Actions speak louder than words. Even the most slippery players will want to commit when he meets THE ONE. That's how men are programmed biologically. If your man can't commit after a long period of time, then he obviously doesn't not see you in his future. You can't change him.

 

 

I agree with you in part but women need to do their part as well. It is more than a little tiring to hear men get all the blame when there are two sides to the story of why relationships are in the state they are in.

[Phantom888]

What? How is that not a big deal? It took him over 3 years to put a pic of me on facebook! It obv means a lot to him since he waited so long.

 

I'm sorry. He doesn't not love you or respect you. You are only there because it's convenient. I mean, you travel all that way to see him on weekends. He makes minimal effort. It's almost like free sex delivery on demand. Why would he even want to make an effort when you make it so convenient for him? Three years is a long time. You need to leave him, and cut your losses. The way he is behaving, there is a very small % chance he will ever marry you. Even if he does, it's only because he is forced, and the chance of it being a happy marriage is 0%. I have seen this so many times. I'm sorry.

[lush lady]

so then how do you explain all those couples out there that have gotten married after dating for 4 , 5, 6, 7, 8 years and are still happily married....??

i see this more often than ive seen a man use a women, dating her for years and then leave her to go marry someone else.

but either way you are stating if a man doesnt commit after 1-2 years he never will , when that clearly is not true.

 

It's really sad and lame how boys are raised to grow up to be selfish Man-Childs in this day and age. No accountability. No responsibility. Just cowardice, non-committal flakes.

 

Believe it or not, a man knows when you are THE ONE really early on. I would say within the first 6 months of exclusive dating. Every man knows this little "secret" whether or not he admits it. This is the way we are programmed.

 

If he drags you on for years without committing or discussing the future, then he already knows you are not the one for him. He is basically using you for comfort, free sex, companionship, and a punching bag. He will keep leading you on until he meets THE ONE, and then he will dump you quickly, and marry that new girl. This is how selfish Man-Childs behave, and unfortunately, there are so many of them in our society today, partly because women encourage their behavior. These men are not penalized for acting this way. Why is it that women in the western world are the only ones desperate for commitment? Women in Asia don't ever have that issue. Maybe there is something to learn from them?

 

Our society perceives marriage as a restrictive binding act that traps men. This is the wrong perception, and really the wrong attitude. I think men should be re-educated about how to treat a woman, and commitment isn't something to fear. I was married at a very young age for 12 years. The marriage was bad. But I learned that I am happiest when I am in a loving relationship, and now that I have found THE ONE, I am giving her the best of me.

 

Bottom line: A man who truly loves his woman would be motivated to put a ring on her. If he can't commit, then he doesn't really love her. Actions speak louder than words. Even the most slippery players will want to commit when he meets THE ONE. That's how men are programmed biologically. If your man can't commit after a long period of time, then he obviously doesn't not see you in his future. You can't change him.

[kiss_andmakeup]

so then how do you explain all those couples out there that have gotten married after dating for 4 , 5, 6, 7, 8 years and are still happily married....??

i see this more often than ive seen a man use a women, dating her for years and then leave her to go marry someone else.

but either way you are stating if a man doesnt commit after 1-2 years he never will , when that clearly is not true.

 

What you are missing, though, is that there is even a TON of grey area in between full-on "putting a ring on it" commitment and what you have in your relationship.

 

You have a totally lopsided relationship, in which you put forth all the effort, establish all the bonds with HIS family (never vice-versa), drive an hour to HIS place, etc. The issue isn't that you don't have a ring on your finger yet...the issue is that you are not treated as an equal partner.

 

After three years together I would expect that, at bare minimum:

 

-we were well-established with each other's families

-we were either co-habitating or sharing the majority of our time together at either of our respective dwellings (not JUST weekends at JUST his place)

-we were seriously discussing a future together including plans for marriage in the near future

 

...but you are elated because he finally posted a picture of you on Facebook??! You do realize that for most couples (who are on FB, anyways), that occurs in the first 4 or 5 months?

 

It's very difficult to understand your point of view, because your post asks "Will my boyfriend ever grow up and marry me?" Do you not see how many gigantic steps you are away from that? How about "will my boyfriend ever make an effort to get to know my family?"..."will my boyfriend ever put in effort to see me on his own time?"..."will my boyfriend ever want to spend more than just weekends with me?"...etc. You are EONS away from wondering about marriage.

 

So, okay, get stoked when he posts some photos of you two on Facebook...but don't be shocked when the posters in this thread aren't exactly calling it a sweeping victory, based on your original post.

 

Really, this thread just makes me kind of sad. You could be with someone who actually wants to be with you, and puts in all the effort that you do. Why do you feel that you don't deserve that? I assure you that you do.

 

Have you even asked him how he feels about marriage? Maybe he just flat out isn't interested in it. If the topic hasn't even been discussed after three years together, then I fear the answer is not going to be the one you're hoping for.

Edited November 2, 2013 by kiss_andmakeup

[lush lady]

well he also started coming to my town and seeing me during the week, 1-2 x a week.

[kiss_andmakeup]

well he also started coming to my town and seeing me during the week, 1-2 x a week.

 

Would you care to respond to the rest of my post? Have the two of you discussed marriage; even in a hypothetical, ideological sense? Does he even believe in marriage?

 

I apologize if you addressed this earlier in the thread.

[Million.to.1]

Well, best of luck with it all then.

[SJC2008]

I see this thread poped back up, you never answered my questions. How long did it take him to say ILY? Or did you say it first? Going back to my example of a woman I dated whom had a 7 year R. It took 3 years for her BF to say ILY. Now what type of woman other than an emotionally unavailable one would stay in a relationship that long without hearing ILY? Also like I said she went to him. She's a chaser and you're a chaser.

 

Since most people aren't self aware they project onto their spouse. Typically it's women dating broken men but she doesn't know she's broken and thinks 'all men are dogs/commitment phobes'. Well I got a news flash for you honey. People typically date those of the same emotional health so if he's a commitment phobe, you are too! You just don't know it.

 

The best advice I can give you that if a man doesn't propose within 3 years he probably never will. Sure there are proposals by men who were 3+ years in but once an R hits the 3 year mark and there isn't a proposal, the proposal percentage drops dramatically. So it looks like your'e in a pickle. You can gamble the next 8 years away on you prime child bearing years and hit the market at 36 and single and start from scratch or you can start looking at yourself and find out why you're a chaser and what type of man you really should go after.

 

I'm not judging you by the way. I'm a head case but I've go something many people don't, self awareness!

[lush lady]

He said ily about 5 months in. Does that really matter since we are making some progress now?

[samsungxoxo]

He said ily about 5 months in. Does that really matter since we are making some progress now?

Any man can say ILY and never want to marriage you in the end. Words are cheap talk. It's actions that count.

[lush lady]

I agree I don't see how that matters. He is showing progress by coming to see me during the week, hung out w my friends and I ( with his friends) and even posted pics on fb . Doesn't that show that we are progressing?

[samsungxoxo]

I agree I don't see how that matters. He is showing progress by coming to see me during the week, hung out w my friends and I ( with his friends) and even posted pics on fb . Doesn't that show that we are progressing?

That should have been done earlier. You've been dating him for 3 years and he is recently showing early dating, ''getting to know each other more'' (aka baby steps) progress?

 

I'm sorry but I'm not convinced. Maybe it's because I'm 26 but I just don't believe in fairy tales anymore. It's your life. If you want to keep that going on for years and eventually get dumped later on then go for it. Or you can start now, seeking for a man on the same page.

Edited November 2, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[phineas]

Let me ask you a serious question that also should be considered by every other woman who complains that her SO won't commit or marry her.

 

What exactly is in it for him? Marriage is an increasingly bad deal for men in America today. He is giving up a lot: his independence and autonomy, and is taking on a substantial risk due to biases in the American courts. If her has children with you, there is a 50% chance you and him will divorce, and if this occurs, an 80% chance that he will lose most of his time with his children. Moreover, the financial obligations he will incur will follow him for years. Plus, given that many American women in their 20s and 30s are feminists, getting married means joining households and lives with someone who may not be very feminine or even like men very much.

 

Marriage rates in America are dropping fast for a reason, and this doesn't seem likely to change in the near future. My suggestion: If you want him to propose, give him a reason to want to marry you (and no, sex isn't the reason -- he can probably get sex any time he wants with or without you).

 

I'm with you on everything but the feminist thing. I really can't say i've been on a date with a woman yet that showed those types on tendencies and i've been on quite a few dates.

 

Now in the work environment and day to day? Honestly very few there also.

 

I'd say the very few women who struck me as being feminist types that i've met, it was either at college parties or...well at college parties.

 

Oh, and charity events. They are the ones wearing combat boots with the pants suit. Or are those lesbians? I get the two confused.

 

anyway, I digress. OP he's 31 people marry later these days & it's probably not on his immediate to-do list.

Also, i'm not reading 12 pages?!?!? holy cow?

 

So I don't know if you even told him you wanted to get married. If not and you don't want to wait (even though I can't understand why you'd want to marry this guy) it's time to find a new BF.

One that lives closer.

Edited November 2, 2013 by phineas

[truth_seeker]

I am 27 years old and am dating a guy who is 31, for three years now.

 

More than a year dating without a commitment = holding out in case find someone better.

[Leigh 87]

I know you won't dump him. Unless he does something really awful or dumps you first, I'm sure you will stay with him, hoping that you're the love of his life.

 

No one said he doesn't like you very much. Obviously, he really likes spending time with you regularly. However, you're definitely not the love of his life either.

 

Look, when a man meets a women he's falling hard for, he'll move mountains to be with her. From day one a man knows if there's something about a woman that stands out.... from day one, men are compelled to put in the effort they see fit.

 

Many men lack self awareness. Ideally, a man should wait until he meets a girl that he's he's head over heals for, before committing to a 3 year relationship. Sadly, A LOT of men tend to just find a girl they really like and grow to love through time spent together, yet they are not actually in love with the girl.

 

SO many men settle into relationships with women who they simply aren't motivated to move mountains for.

 

It doesn't dawn on most men that they should hold out and wait for a girl they are crazy about.

 

Rather than wait for a girl that knocks his socks off, It's far easier for men to come across a girl who he really fancies and stay with her, since he likes being with her and enjoys the regular sex and companionship.

 

 

....unless a man is a sociopath, narcissist, or psychopath and unless he has severe mental health issues, he knows he is falling in love with a girl very early on. Better still, almost all men, unless they lack empathy/ have a diminished ability to love, will put forth the effort very early on in the relationship.

 

 

Here are your options:

 

You're guy is either a really selfish person , who may truly love you, yet is so selfish as a person that he makes the girl visit him rather than drive the hour to visit her. And doesn't want to get off his ass to meet her family.

My ex was a selfish jack ass who hated meeting my family yet even he managed to do it FOR ME as he knew it was important to me.

 

Or, another option is; he has a personality disorder. He isn't capable of truly falling in love, so his actions won't ever align with the actions of MOST men who are madly in love with a girl. In other words, you have a guy who loves u as much as he can , but who has a reduced ability to love anyone.

 

Or, the most LIKELY scenario, is this one: you're not it for him. You're not the woman his totally crazy about. You're not the women who he will move mountains for. You're not the woman he knows early on that is the one for him. You're not the woman he will ever fall genuinely in love with.

When he meets the right woman, he will realize his not in love with you and promptly leave you. He'll marry her early, within a year or two.

[Leigh 87]

I have been in your position.

 

I have been with a guy who grew to love me a GREAT deal. He loved my quirks. He wanted to spend almost ALL of his days with me. We lived together. We had dogs.

He genuinely loved me and he always will. Sadly, he was never in love with me. He too, said he loved me after 5 months. Met my family. I met his.

 

He told me he wants to marry me one day and he hoped we lasted forever.

 

I was all he thought about when he had near death experiences.... along with his diseased mother. I meant a lot to him.

 

You just know if something is missing. . And my guy did like me. A LOT. he still has a great, huge, affection towards me.

your guy just isn't putting forth the effort to show he is truly head over heals in love with you. My ex was similar. He did ENOUGH to keep me around, yet there were small things he didn't do....

 

oh. My ex even postponed his overseas travel for me. He wanted to travel the world single. He told me so when we first met. He didn't want a relationship. Yet even he managed to want to move in with me and talk about marriage and our future plans.

 

He then broke up with me and I was the one who ended up traveling first. ........

 

 

 

Without intending to sound rude, it is actually laughable that you're so elated about him putting a pic of you up on his face book.

 

If he was that into you, he'd have driven the hours to see you from day one.

 

Every guy I know of, who is crazy about their girl, they ALL proposed early on, within a year or two. The only exceptions? Guys who had kids first, which rendered it impossible to afford a propper ring or wedding.

[Leigh 87]

By the way, I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

 

It must be terribly hard to hear so many strangers tell you that your guy is not all that crazy about you.

 

It was very hard for me to hear people on here telling me the same things about my ex. The thing is; they were RIGHT.

 

Just remember, no one is saying that you don't mean much to him or that this whole relationship means nothing to him. We can just all see that your guys ACTIONS are NOT on par with that of a man who is madly in love.

 

If you want that deep love of a man who will do anything for you, your best bet is to leave this guy. Don't you want a guy who leaves you, without a doubt, that he's totally crazy about you?