Trying to fix a marriage is overrated

[Jstub]

I wanted to post this here to give hope to people going through separation/ divorce.

 

A little background. A year and a half ago, my stbxw dropped the bomb on me. I love you but I am not in love with you anymore speech. I was devastated, heart broken, miserable, you name it. I lost tons of weight, became anti social for a while. Found out she was having an affair and I still wanted her back. I ended up getting her back, only to land in the same place few months later. Another affair took place and I was considering taking her back even after that. Then, with the help of LS and some serious thinking I finally let go, moved out and filed for divorce.

 

I am happy right now. Just enjoying life. It got me thinking. Why in the world, do we want the person that hurt us so much back? Why in the world would we do that? I see this in threads here over and over again. The spouse cheats, says they need a break, I love you but not in love with you, affairs etc. etc. and the hurt spouse does back flips and monkey dances to get them back.. why oh why? The answer is simple, after years of marriage, you just get used to the person and put them on this pedestal. For what? for hurting you? for betraying you? It's all in your head. Face the reality - your spouse doesn't deserve you. You think, oh my spouse is going to come back to their senses, well guess what - you can wait forever. The best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to let go and make yourself happy. If your spouse wants you back, say no - because guess what - you moving on attracts them back to you for the wrong reasons. Down the line, if you see real change and mini steps towards you, then consider it. Fighting to fix a screwed up marriage is just overrated. You find excuses, Oh I don't want to hurt the kids. Stop being selfish and using the children as an excuse. Oh our finances don't allow it. SCREW THAT. There is a way - there always is. I am in the red every month now and I don't even care anymore - I AM HAPPY! Money is money, it comes and goes. Your well being and happiness are MUCH MORE IMPORTANT.

 

Why oh why ... why would you want them back??? You think you can't do better? You think you had it good? There are other partners out there that will see you for who you really are. Remember, one person's trash is another person's TREASURE. I have witnessed this - I have been treated so well by a few women that think I am the best thing that happened to them. When my self esteem was screwed up, I thought.. I will never meet anyone. Oh please! I feel so stupid for staying in that misery for as long as I did. You can do whatever you want!! I wanted to get better at golf, but I never got the chance, because I was constantly being told, I am selfish! I hit the range once a week and play with my buddies every week as a well. I have reconnected with everyone I didn't have time for. Life is GOOD!

 

Please listen to me - I am not saying you should throw away your marriage just because you have a little problem. Try to work things out, but within MEANS. Don't go over and beyond for someone that doesn't deserve it. You CAN be happy. Also remember, the fact that you get so sprung on your marriage means, you yourself are lacking the ability to make yourself happy and that is a recipe for DISASTER. You can NEVER be happy in a marriage, if your happiness relies on your spouse.

 

Don't be afraid. Stop dwelling and trying to fix a marriage that is not worth it. Society makes you believe that's what you need to do, it is just overrated.

[hayewils]

Great post!

Over the last 3 and a half months ive asked myself again and again why i love my wife like i do. Why i would want that back?

She treated me like crap. Sure we had our fun together but thats what brings two people to get married. The attraction and good times. The enjoyment of being together. My wife never loved me, never accepted me for just being me. Told me i love you 3 times on her own, the rest was instigated by me.

I never had her respect. When her monthly visitor came, i was toast for atleast two days prior. I try to understand why would i want that back. I dont want it back anymore but i think what it comes down to is this, we all just get used to the way things are. We get used to them being there then we dont remember how to behave when they are gone.

I am learning to get used to it again and, i also dont care about anything anymore. Tomorrow is a new day!

[hayewils]

Along with not caring anymore about a single thing, my self esteem is completly shot. That woman hurt me and screwed me up mentally and emotionally.

Why would anyone want that back?

[Jstub]

Along with not caring anymore about a single thing, my self esteem is completly shot. That woman hurt me and screwed me up mentally and emotionally.

Why would anyone want that back?

 

You should care about yourself and build your self esteem. Bring your old self back and you will be happy again. It's not an easy process, it just starts with the seed - that is the realization.

[Yasuandio]

Yes, that sounds very great.

 

Looks like you are on a big high today!

 

The theory of course makes total sense - I do not dispute that.

 

But don't forget, there are good days and bad days. Ups and downs. It wasn't that long ago that you were in the armpits of hell, Jstab.

 

Your confidence is high. This is good. Your wife wants you back, and you realized you don't want her back because there are other options. And too, dating yourself through your own interests in golf and working with the children one-on-one on art projects, etc., makes you independent and happy, obviously.

 

We can always count on these points:

 

1. People want what they cannot have.

 

2. People really really desire, and become obsessed with what they believe they have lost.

 

3. People take a good thing they have for granted -- until they no longer have the good thing. Then suddenly - this thing is the most important thing in their life to have again.

 

One, two, and three above have boosed your ego big time, honey. But don't get carried away! I don't want you to crash your car. Yas

Edited July 1, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Jstub]

Yes, that sounds very great.

 

Looks like you are on a big high today!

 

The theory of course makes total sense - I do not dispute that.

 

But don't forget, there are good days and bad days. Ups and downs. It wasn't that long ago that you were in the armpits of hell, Jstab.

 

Your confidence is high. This is good. Your wife wants you back, and you realized you don't want her back because there are other options. And too, dating yourself through your own interests in golf and working with the children one-on-one on art projects, etc., makes you independent and happy, obviously.

 

We can always count on these points:

 

1. People want what they cannot have.

 

2. People really really desire, and become obsessed with what they believe they have lost.

 

3. People take a good thing they have for granted -- until they no longer have the good thing. Then suddenly - this thing is the most important thing in their life to have again.

 

One, two, and three above have boosed your ego big time, honey. But don't get carried away! I don't want you to crash your car. Yas

 

I completely understand that there are high and low days. In my particular situation, since the process took so long, I was always prepared in some way. It became easier and easier as time passed by and my emotions calmed down. Once the emotions were out of the way - the head took control. Once I started looking at things with my head - It was as if, I was looking at my old self as a stranger.

 

The dating piece was somewhat instrumental in my opinion. It is not about falling in love with someone, nor dumping your emotions on that person. For me, since I was betrayed so many times, I felt worthless. Not good enough. Felt like a lesser man etc. I did not feel loved or appreciated at all. I was constantly bashed "moron" "stupid" "act like a child" whenever I questioned her motives. So when I started meeting women, going out, having fun - I started seeing.. women are attracted to me. I must be looking good. I can make women laugh, I can laugh with them, be spontaneous, have an adventure etc. etc. I felt appreciated and my confidence started coming back.

 

With the kids - I just love spending time with them, because I am generally happy. There were days where I was feeling so down, I just couldn't give it my all. I tried my best, put a smile on my face and still spent time with them, but it is not like this. I have been working on a craft project with them now for 2-3 days, where we are building a paper house, with grass, a pool, trees and animals. I engage with them and they are happy and in tune with me for HOURS.

 

The key is happiness. I still feel down here and there - but it's great to have a clear understanding of why I acted the way I did.

 

I now feel sorry for my wife. I see her downhill path - and she is going to crash at some point. I just hope she survives, for the sake of the kids.

[Yasuandio]

The day you feel sorry for your spouse is their death nail. No going back. There is no Viagra for this situation.

[M30USA]

The day you feel sorry for your spouse is their death nail. No going back. There is no Viagra for this situation.

 

I don't understand. What exactly do you mean?

[marqueemoon4]

I realized this too... I knew I settled big time when I married my exW. She was an awful wife, is a mediocre parent, her entire family is low class and ignorant, and she has treated me with a level of disrespect I've never seen before. I would never stand that crap from anyone else, why would I accept it from her? Answer is I never will, nor will I ever believe a word out of her mouth again. She is beneath me, and I deserve MUCH better.

Edited July 1, 2013 by marqueemoon4

[Yasuandio]

If you know the history of Jstab's spouse - his wife's conduct is pathetic. At first, naturally, her indecretions hurt him deeply - and he went back and got his teeth kicked in, figuretively speaking.

 

Now - Jstab has embraced reality, he sees her as she has been - basically slutty. A woman, dancing about the house preparing her hair and nails for a late night date, even though her young children and husband stand there and witness the entire scenerio. Ultimately, spreading her legs for other men, and more.

 

For Jstab -enough became enough, it appears. He realized he did not need her. In fact, he came to find he no longer desires her, wants a divorce. He stated he "feels sorry for her." I took that to mean he lost attraction for her.

 

So, my point was, no matter how many Viagra pills a man might take, it would be tremendously difficult to find intimacy again with a woman you pity or "feel sorry for," in this respect. Does that clarify my statement, M30USA?

 

PS Please correct me if I am in error, Jstab.

[elfman]

Hey J!

 

Good to see you're still around, I stopped posting for almost a year! GREAT however to see you've moved forward. I, myself, with your advice and other great people here at LS, am having the time of my life, so much so that the only regret I have is not divorcing earlier... that's a total turn-around for a guy that was about to die of heartache only 11 months ago.

 

I came back because LS helped me quite a bit, and I want to see if by giving insight to other people I can repay that... it was invaluable.

 

Anyway great post! Good to read you again!

[Jstub]

Hey J!

 

Good to see you're still around, I stopped posting for almost a year! GREAT however to see you've moved forward. I, myself, with your advice and other great people here at LS, am having the time of my life, so much so that the only regret I have is not divorcing earlier... that's a total turn-around for a guy that was about to die of heartache only 11 months ago.

 

I came back because LS helped me quite a bit, and I want to see if by giving insight to other people I can repay that... it was invaluable.

 

Anyway great post! Good to read you again!

 

Elfman! I remember you! I am glad to hear you are doing great!!!

[2.50 a gallon]

Another factor of while we try to make it work is them wedding vows.

 

I did not realize how powerful they were until I took them.

 

Six months later I caught her kissing the OM and threw her under the bus. She having no place to go moved in with OM.

 

I figured that with her breaking the vows the marriage was off, and within a month had a sexual romp with one of the associate OM's wives for revenge.

 

When the Ex figured out that our marital bed had been violated she did a total 180 and began begging with crocodile tears to give us another chance. It was far too late, as even though I loved her, there was no way I could let her be the mother of my children.

 

And that is when the guilt set in. Being as I had taken them vows I found it very difficult and at times very painful to have to say there is no chance. I had taken them vows and it was like I owed her a second chance.

 

She tried to reconcile with me for the next 3 - 4 years, I never did give in, but she will never know how hard it was and how close I came to giving her a second chance.

[Jstub]

Another factor of while we try to make it work is them wedding vows.

 

I did not realize how powerful they were until I took them.

 

Six months later I caught her kissing the OM and threw her under the bus. She having no place to go moved in with OM.

 

I figured that with her breaking the vows the marriage was off, and within a month had a sexual romp with one of the associate OM's wives for revenge.

 

When the Ex figured out that our marital bed had been violated she did a total 180 and began begging with crocodile tears to give us another chance. It was far too late, as even though I loved her, there was no way I could let her be the mother of my children.

 

And that is when the guilt set in. Being as I had taken them vows I found it very difficult and at times very painful to have to say there is no chance. I had taken them vows and it was like I owed her a second chance.

 

She tried to reconcile with me for the next 3 - 4 years, I never did give in, but she will never know how hard it was and how close I came to giving her a second chance.

 

I think you did the right thing. She wanted you back for the wrong reasons. Wedding vows - They are a promise you make. I don't see it as a religious thing - you make a promise to the person you love and they make the same promise to you. If one person breaks that promise. The spiritual agreement has been breached. It is very hard to let go - but deep down inside you know, the other person is not worth it.

[Bluesandy]

I second that post... When someone lives and hurt you badly, why are we so crazy to want her back? If they are unfaithfull and unhappy, let them waste their time with someone else (most of the time, they will redo the same bad stuffs) and just find the right person for you... Happiness is ahead of us...

[Steadfast]

...the fact that you get so sprung on your marriage means, you yourself are lacking the ability to make yourself happy and that is a recipe for DISASTER. You can NEVER be happy in a marriage, if your happiness relies on your spouse.

 

Well said. If everyone understood and acted on this the divorce rate would drop 75%. Sadly, people in general are getting dumber and more selfish.

[2.50 a gallon]

After a break up many of us think that we will never find that someone special again.

 

Rule of thumb: Cheaters cheat down, and while it doesn't happen right away, betrayed spouses eventually move up.

 

A couple of years back I found a recent photo of my Ex on the web. The intervening 30 years have not been kind to her. A serious weight gain now has her easily pushing the double century mark. Best description would be think Harry Potter's aunt that he blows up like a balloon.

 

While for the past 18 years I have been sharing my life with one of the nicest, sweetest most understanding women on this planet. While at the same time she is grandma that still has an hour glass figure.

 

I traded a double bagger for eye candy

[Jstub]

I second that post... When someone lives and hurt you badly, why are we so crazy to want her back? If they are unfaithfull and unhappy, let them waste their time with someone else (most of the time, they will redo the same bad stuffs) and just find the right person for you... Happiness is ahead of us...

 

Yes - I have seen this happen 3 times already. It starts with fireworks, violets and roses. Ends in a few weeks with the same old crap I used to hear. You are a loser, you destroyed me, bla bla. I have always told my stbxw - if you don't fix yourself, you will end up in the same place over and over again. 3 times of it happening has not been proof enough for her.