all is unfair in divorce???

[valicity]

I have been unhappy in my marriage for long time , due to being totally neglected by my so called husband , we are seperated and someone from my past has come back into my life , I think he might be the one I was meant to be with ,

 

the problem is I have children who although know and understand that mommy and daddy are gonna divorce , they have expressed the fact that they would have a problem with me bringing someone else into their life , which I understand I really don't and wouldn't bring another man into this house with them , until they were older and had their own lives, the problem is I am very lonely and want to share my life with someone that wants to be with me ,I think I can be happy with this man he says he has always been in love with me . How can I have my happiness when it will cause my chidren pain to do so ? How can I expect this man to only have me when they don't need me ?

 

I know that my x will have relationships but the kids don't live with him day in day out ,it doesn't seem fair ,that all this time I have been unhappy because of him and in our divorce he will go on to have for the most part a normal life and relationship if he desires .It just seems that i am still the one that will have to sacrafice my happiness still for the good of the family, while he does what he has always done no matter what get what he needs .

 

While I am desperately needing the love I have always deserved. help me understand why please?

[Vikki]

Hello!

 

Sweetheart, you cannot give to another what you don't have, you cannot give your children happiness unless you have within to give. I admire your sacrifice but it's time to get YOU back.

 

I'm sure all your kids need is time. Time to adjust, time to heal, time to get used to things being different. If this person makes you happy, they'll see that, they'll feel that, they'll want that. Give them time, they have a lot of their own stuff to work through, resentment of course for any new man in your life will happen at any age, that's to be expected.

 

Your birthright is to be happy. Remember that.

 

*Warm Hugs and a Merry Christmas to you*

[Tony T]

You don't mention the ages of your children, but if you skillfully and gradually introduce your new honey into your homelife and he is accepted by your children, you probably won't have a tremendous problem. The key is to make it a very gradual process so it is barely noticed. In other words, the overnight stuff may have to wait a while. It wouldn't hurt to consult with a competent psychologist about this process...or even to read some books on the subject.

 

You aren't even divorced yet. Give your kids some credit here. Sure, it's natural for them to resist such a dramatic change in their homelife but, as you said, you deserve to be happy too. They may never completely accept a new daddy no matter how old they are. But there are excellent techniques for doing this that work and a professional can help you with it.

 

One change at a time, perhaps the two of you could sell your respective homes and move into a new home with all new surroundings and all new memories. I would suggest this to people with or without children. Of course, this will have to be done at the right time.

 

You are very kind to be so considerate of your children in this matter, I'm sure this is traumatic for them. But use your good judgement and just let your new life evolve slowly. Don't put your whole world on hold until they get out of the house. You make your post sound like you are on death row or something.

 

Well before you get really serious with this new guy, you need to work hard on getting your children to accept him. Again, depending on the ages of your children, life could be a living hell if they don't get along...and if that happens it won't be his fault at all. Children who have a dad have a very strong claim on that. Success for you in all this will also have a lot to do with what kinds of crap your ex puts into the kids heads when he has them over.

 

Get a more positive attitude. That will come after your divorce is final, I'm sure. Meanwhile, go see your attorney and speed things up a bit!!!

[valicity]

They are 8 ,10, 13 and are my life , I feel like my heart will be torn in two over this .

[Tony T]

Frankly, I thought I gave you some pretty good strategies and alternatives to ease this situation but you didn't comment. Are you just hell bent on being miserable?

 

It will be a bit more difficult with your young children but, again, if you introduce this new man into your life gradually...and with good timing...things might work out OK.

 

Don't expect your children to accept him quickly but if done right and with professional help, things could work out OK for you.

 

GET A MORE POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!

[valicity]

I am trying really hard to be positive , but everyone I have every loved as takin their love from me for one reason or another , if they can't except him I will lose all of their love. How can I deal with that ?

[Deejette]

You won't lose their love. They want their mom to be happy too. You don't have to live without love for the sake of your kids. That is silly and pointless. Everyone needs love, so don't deprive yourself.

 

They are kids and they will adapt. As Tony said, do it gradually. They don't have to be in on everything in your life. But eventually you can plan a fun outing in which you can introduce everyone to him.

I am trying really hard to be positive , but everyone I have every loved as takin their love from me for one reason or another , if they can't except him I will lose all of their love. How can I deal with that ?