Owl Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 I am the OW... You're right where you've chosen to be. The good news is...even you see that now. And you're going to remain right where you're at...until you choose to change the situation. We'll be here when you make that choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sooverhim Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 Pierre, I think you were right I'm gonna humble myself and say it.... Yes, I want a normal life again, but I caved and replied to a sweet text I received and even went as far to run errands for him the next day, I just cant stop loving him, or being obsessed with him, or addicted to him, whichever it is.... I cant stop I apologize to the LS as a whole for all the effort and great advice you gave me in my half ass/no ass attempt to go NC, I'm sure your wisdom and support could have been used in many other threads, cause as I started this thread hoping this is it, it didnt take long until I was "under his spell" again and back to full contact..... actually as predicted he contacted me more than ever since I tried NC, and yes I hang my head in shame and admit I loved every minute of it. I am the OW... You caved because you are not done yet, you've not had enough of being the OW, you are enjoying it more than you are not enjoying it. You'll carry on being the OW for as long as you decide to, it is your choice, your life. I've been where you are and I reached the point where I was done ... it was 29th March last year. I ended it, for good, I will never go back to that way of life. We are all doing what we want to do .... we are all being where we want to be. Best of luck to you x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 Awww, LGaO, you did what we've all done. Do not be so hard on yourself. The fact that you are paying attention to your hurt feelings and realizing your OW status is an insult is the beginning of seeing things as they really are, seeing your MM as he really is. It takes a little time to build yourself up to a real ending, but you'll get there. On the BS side of things, they often end up leaving their Hs because they are cake eating (multiple ddays), but we see and hate the very same cake eating on our side of the fence. And THAT is where the insult lies!!! When you feel MM is 'stuck' or whatever, you can believe he wants a real, full-time life with you but can't make it happen at the moment. (Same for BSs who believe the MM really, truly wants his M.) But when the realization that MM actually loves having both--he really wants you because he loves you, and he really wants his W because she's an awesome person and they have a good life--you want to push your MM out of a 22nd story window! I mean, who the fudge does he think he is?! Two women?! He thinks he's ALL that?! Yep, he does. And he hopes you (not you, LilG, but the generic, collective you) do, too. I'm generalizing, of course. Not every A or MM fits this scenario, but I would call it very common. When you actually feel how hurtful his attitude is, realize that he can and will ditch you on a major dday (ask him, see what he says) you'll find the strength to move on and stop loving him. That's where I found my strength, but it did take time and a few attempts. (Yes, I wanted to believe his sweet words about 'finding a way,' but they eventually sounded like nails on a chalkboard to me.) I had a fear of abandonment BIG TIME. Maybe you do, too. Look it up and see if it helps you to understand your motives. Good luck. You did fine, a first step. We all understand. But the pain will not end because he IS hurting you by allowing and embracing this 'sharing him' situation. You will most likely never feel fine with that. Why would you? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) You caved because you are not done yet, you've not had enough of being the OW, you are enjoying it more than you are not enjoying it. This is very true. Some OW are done the first time they get that sinking feeling in their stomach. They realize they deserve better and move on. Other OW need lots of rides on the roller coaster before they really & truly want to get off. You are not all cried out yet. You can still love MM and accept that he is not good for you. Many OW cling to this "love", like the fact that there is love means that you have to be with him. That's BS. Love does not mean you have to tolerate this pain. You can love someone, and still not be with them. You can love someone, and recognize that they just don't have what takes to be your partner. When we are kids, most of us are fortunate enough to have parents that look out for us. They keep us safe. They hold our hands while crossing the street. They keep us from interacting with shady people. They support us, love us, encourage us, protect us. They care about our well being. Even though doing backflips on the monkey bars may bring us excitement & joy, they stop us. Even though we love cupcakes, they don't let us eat the whole box. Even though he may be a great guy, they don't let an 18 YO stranger take their 14 YO on a date. They keep us from making stupid or dangerous decisions because we aren't capable yet. As an adult, it is our responsibility to look out for ourselves. We have to keep ourselves safe. We have to avoid people that have the potential to harm us. We must support & love ourselves. We must encourage ourselves to make good choices, and protect ourselves from emotional pain. Even when it's hard. No one else is going to do it for us. You must detach from him. When there is love, it makes detaching much more difficult. But you have to do it because you love you. "Tough love" yourself. You have to understand that staying involved with him just brings you more pain & heartache. And even though your heart is saying "MORE MORE MORE"... your brain, your soul, your self respect must say "ENOUGH". Picture him with a shirt that says "DANGER", a hat that says "WARNING" and alarms bells & flashing lights over his head. And love yourself enough to stay away. Edited July 3, 2013 by Quiet Storm 5 Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 yes the fact he has a house key is something i've never considered. I was wondering if me starting NC would make him want more and start aggresive contact, or just quietly sneak out and be happy with what we shared. I'm sure all of that would depend on if what he was telling me about his marraige was true or not..... It was only 2 days ago he said he really needed me and i was his lucky charm, and he tells me he loves me and how grateful he is i'm in his life, but it all comes back to the crumb trail..... thats the reality of the A! Stick to NC as long as you can...I've had it for varied times...first time...it was literally one day...second time...3-4...next time, 8 days. People can argue it isn't NC...call it whatever you want....but the reality is...i'm trying to gain strength. I don't care if you call it LC...the intent is NC...and it gets broken...but what I have noticed is when I get past the first few days each time...i DO start to feel better and stronger....still have ups and downs, but it starts to feel better. That has to be a sign of something...maybe some shred of health and dignity.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clemenza Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 You can still love MM and accept that he is not good for you. Many OW cling to this "love", like the fact that there is love means that you have to be with him. That's BS. Love does not mean you have to tolerate this pain. You can love someone, and still not be with them. You can love someone, and recognize that they just don't have what takes to be your partner. Wise words right here. I was the OM in my situation, but I can still relate to all of it. I love xMW a lot, but I'm really starting to learn and accept that sometimes love just isn't enough. There is also timing, baggage, etc. that we need to be mindful of. The fact that it didn't, or probably won't, work out doesn't mean that you don't love that person or they don't love you. It just simply means that it takes more than just love for a relationship to thrive and fulfill its potential. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 Pierre, I think you were right I'm gonna humble myself and say it.... Yes, I want a normal life again, but I caved and replied to a sweet text I received and even went as far to run errands for him the next day, I just cant stop loving him, or being obsessed with him, or addicted to him, whichever it is.... I cant stop I apologize to the LS as a whole for all the effort and great advice you gave me in my half ass/no ass attempt to go NC, I'm sure your wisdom and support could have been used in many other threads, cause as I started this thread hoping this is it, it didnt take long until I was "under his spell" again and back to full contact..... actually as predicted he contacted me more than ever since I tried NC, and yes I hang my head in shame and admit I loved every minute of it. I am the OW... Yes, you are hopelessly addicted to the MM. What is really sad is that MM is so selfish that he cannot see the damage he does to you. But, perhaps, he is not evil. He is simply medicating his own issues. But, I have to say this again: Telling you to accept nothing but the best in a relationship while clinging to you is despicable. Sadly, I don't think MM has a clue about what he says. MM is programmed to meet your needs and this seemed like a great phrase. But, I have to put all the blame on this despicable MM that takes advantage of you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 You're right where you've chosen to be. The good news is...even you see that now. And you're going to remain right where you're at...until you choose to change the situation. We'll be here when you make that choice. I agree, you are where you want to be, just like your MM is where he wants to be. People make choices which suit them best and you want him in your life, fine but please accept that now you must share him with his wife and all you two have together IS in an affair setting. Be happy with being his OW, expect nothing, this way you won't be hurt and disappointed all the time when he isn't there for you. Do consider counseling to help you. Link to post Share on other sites
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