Being Ok with being an OW

[The Way I Am]

I guess this is just a forum for when I develop feelings and have the heartbreak. If 100 women responded that they were in the same situation then I would have 100 women I could ask questions to. Like scheduling issues' date=' level of questions to ask or not ask, I guess I thought this was a support forum for OW but really it is a forum for people trying to not be an OW or getting over a MM.[/quote']

 

You've been doing this for a year. You don't have scheduling worked out yet? If scheduling is an issue, you should maybe look for another guy who can better fit your time.

 

In a FWB situation that's all about sex, what questions are there to worry about asking vs not? Are you talking questions about what he likes sexually or what he'd like to do with you? Any level that increases your enjoyment of the encounters.

 

Or are you talking personal questions, like questions about his wife, future plans, etc.? The answer is none if you want to keep things only about sex. If you are wondering about personal things, then it's really not only about sex.

[Pierre]

I think OP is in love, but does not know it.

 

 

I am wondering if there is anyone else in this type of situation and if they have been casual with a MM for a long time?

Here is my story:

I have been sleeping with a MM for almost a year now. I don't think of it as an affair more like a casual situation. I know I should stop but I don't want to.

 

One entire year. One would think that sex in a vacuum does not last an entire year.

 

 

I am not in love we just have a good time once a week. I date other people, have an active social life but just sleep with him.

 

Sexual exclusivity speaks volumes despite her words.

 

We text funny emails and suggestive stuff often. He is my secret and I am his secret.

 

Clear signs of romance!

[cocorico]

I am wondering if there is anyone else in this type of situation and if they have been casual with a MM for a long time?

Here is my story:

I have been sleeping with a MM for almost a year now. I don't think of it as an affair more like a casual situation. I know I should stop but I don't want to.

I am not in love we just have a good time once a week. I date other people, have an active social life but just sleep with him. We text funny emails and suggestive stuff often. He is my secret and I am his secret.

I am recently divorced from a serial cheater and so I have the prospective of a BS so I do feel bad for the wife but not enough to quit.

 

We were casual for a long time.

 

Then things changed. And we fell in love. We're M now, but if things had not changed we may still be in that same casual space. It's possible, if it works for you. It worked for us, for years.

 

It's your choice.

 

And there's no requirement that you need to be miserable to post here. I'm not miserable, never have been, but I'm here.

[jlola]

I really do not understand why a single person would choose a MM as FWB situation. I am in my 30's and not interested in that sort of relationship. But as I look around I see lots of 20 something very flirty men. Some are so nice looking and so fit it is painful.

 

IF I am searching for FWB's and make sure to be safe,why not look for someone who can go all night long instead of going home to wife and kids. Why not look for someone I can have on weekends and not the window of time he gives me.

 

Why choose someone who lies to his wife and lies to you. Plus has so much baggage. FWB's would work well with someone who has no baggage. Just my thoughts.

I do not date younger men(at least not 20's) but if it was for FWB reasons than who cares?

 

Unless you are searching for intimacy,maturity, conversation. then you are looking for more than FWB.

[MissBee]

I really do not understand why a single person would choose a MM as FWB situation. I am in my 30's and not interested in that sort of relationship. But as I look around I see lots of 20 something very flirty men. Some are so nice looking and so fit it is painful.

 

IF I am searching for FWB's and make sure to be safe,why not look for someone who can go all night long instead of going home to wife and kids. Why not look for someone I can have on weekends and not the window of time he gives me.

 

Why choose someone who lies to his wife and lies to you. Plus has so much baggage. FWB's would work well with someone who has no baggage. Just my thoughts.

I do not date younger men(at least not 20's) but if it was for FWB reasons than who cares?

 

Unless you are searching for intimacy,maturity, conversation. then you are looking for more than FWB.

 

The OP isn't interested in a "real relationship" and I think a MM comes with a safety net, or seeming safety net, that it will less likely progress to more, you don't have to be emotionally vulnerable and put it any real work, whereas when you date a single man, it is easier for the relationship to transition to such a point. I think some women, like the OP, choose this consciously, others, choose this built-in cap, less consciously.

 

I think being out of a marriage where you were the betrayed leaves you vulnerable and raw, naturally and this affair scenario seems safer, seems like less hurt, less investment. The only problem is, it's sometimes an illusion. A MM is not necessarily safe, in that you can still develop feelings just the same and the natural cap then becomes the source of pain and drama, when your feelings increase but the situation stays the same.

[Pierre]

IF I am searching for FWB's and make sure to be safe,why not look for someone who can go all night long instead of going home to wife and kids. Why not look for someone I can have on weekends and not the window of time he gives me.

 

Why choose someone who lies to his wife and lies to you. Plus has so much baggage. FWB's would work well with someone who has no baggage. Just my thoughts.

I do not date younger men(at least not 20's) but if it was for FWB reasons than who cares?

 

Unless you are searching for intimacy,maturity, conversation. then you are looking for more than FWB.

 

 

I think OP has feelings, that is why.

 

In addition, despite the short hours and lack of time married men pay more attention and court women with more dedication.

[whycan'tI]

No, but had you then went on to ask such questions you would likely have been flagged for being off topic to your original post. If you want answers about some of the things you mentioned then you would first need to ask those questions from the beginning.

 

You being ok with being the other woman has absolutely nothing to do with scheduling issues and the like and your thoughts on that particular matter are wholly irrelevant to some of the questions you may have. You will find there are plenty of OW helping other OW here providing just the answers and advice you are looking for. Not all of them are trying not to be OW anymore.

 

I am probably looking for people who are ok with being the OW. I probably should have said that from the beginning. I am new to posting here. I did a quick search and could not find any posts about just being ok with being the OW.

[whycan'tI]

The OP isn't interested in a "real relationship" and I think a MM comes with a safety net, or seeming safety net, that it will less likely progress to more, you don't have to be emotionally vulnerable and put it any real work, whereas when you date a single man, it is easier for the relationship to transition to such a point. I think some women, like the OP, choose this consciously, others, choose this built-in cap, less consciously.

 

I think being out of a marriage where you were the betrayed leaves you vulnerable and raw, naturally and this affair scenario seems safer, seems like less hurt, less investment. The only problem is, it's sometimes an illusion. A MM is not necessarily safe, in that you can still develop feelings just the same and the natural cap then becomes the source of pain and drama, when your feelings increase but the situation stays the same.

 

This sums it up. He is safe well probably not but right now I do believe I am safe. Safe from putting myself out there. With a single FWB situation the feelings would happen quicker so would dating someone who is single but with a MM you know from the beginning you will never be 1st or the girlfriend or anything other than someone to play with and for me it works. for now. Thank you for an excellent summary of my current situation.

[whycan'tI]

I wish now I had clarified the funny stories, emails, texts thing better. My hobby is finding funny stuff and now I just include him with others that I send stuff too. It's not like we are talking about each other. I am very honest about my needs, I spend years denying my needs. This may be a long term thing it may be a short term thing and I guess I just wanted to find a place where I could share my perspective because I can't or won't tell my friends. It's nice to know that their are others who are OW and not miserable.

I started out ok with the whole FWB/NSA thing... but I noticed you commented that you exchange funny stories, emails, texts. That's how we ended up a lot more.

I'm still ok with being the other woman, there isn't the "he must leave her for me" thinking in my head, but we are very much in love.

I think relationships work based on what people want out of them.

I do encourage you to stay honest with yourself about what you really want.. and to not let what you need/want be passed by or pushed aside. If you are ok with it then it sounds like you've found something that works for you.

As for why you are here, hey, it's not in TOS that you have to be miserable to post here.

I didn't come here looking for support. I actually got linked here and came to clear something up. I stayed because I think I have something different to offer.

[SweetiePie12]

I am probably looking for people who are ok with being the OW. I probably should have said that from the beginning. I am new to posting here. I did a quick search and could not find any posts about just being ok with being the OW.

 

Here I am! He makes me very happy. He is a dear, dear friend. Everything is working out wonderfully.

[georgia girl]

LFH,

 

I think you summed up your situation well and you really do add a great perspective here. WhycantI, I think you will, too. It will round out discussions as people post.

 

Sweetie, what happened? I just congratulated you on your engagement days ago?

[SweetiePie12]

Sweetie, what happened? I just congratulated you on your engagement days ago?

 

...just thinking about things; nothing official.

[jlola]

I think OP has feelings, that is why.

 

In addition, despite the short hours and lack of time married men pay more attention and court women with more dedication.

 

I agree MM can court like no other. I live in an area where there are lots of rich men in search of OW. I can be courted all day long if I chose to compromise my integrity.

 

But I do not. And if FWB is what was truly wanted, would you not choose a young man with no baggage who was at his sexual prime to be your "friend"? Because most women would know not to take a man who was early 20's seriously. So it's a win-in. No lies, no guilt,no baggage,no going back to family.

 

But I think it is as you say. they really want a man who will court and would rather be compared to wife than younger women .

 

That way even if it is FWB's you are competing with the wife which most OW blame for not "making hubby happy". Better ego boost for OW.

[canuckprincess]

I guess this is just a forum for when I develop feelings and have the heartbreak. If 100 women responded that they were in the same situation then I would have 100 women I could ask questions to. Like scheduling issues' date=' level of questions to ask or not ask, I guess I thought this was a support forum for OW but really it is a forum for people trying to not be an OW or getting over a MM.[/quote']

 

I can't speak for others but I'm not trying to stop being the other woman and I'm not trying to get over married man. The difference is I have developed very deep feelings for my boyfriend who just happens to be married.

[HonestNeurotic]

I had a FWB relationship with a married dude for 4 years. And it had nothing to do with any romance - no one was in love and then he moved on to some other person. I'm in a sexless marriage.

 

As Miss Bee stated - I would never have come to a relationship forum because everything was fine. I had no problems with it. I'm really very happy with my husband.

 

After the FWB was over - after awhile, well, I wanted the sex again. I purposely sought out a MM, because I did not want the emotional thang. I rather thought that was kinda standard with an MM - they'd only want sex. Nope. I picked Emotional Guy and rather fell in love and it drove me to this place. Because it just complicates things. It can never be anything more than what it is, but at the same time it's really addictive. I enjoy it too much I think.

 

I am now in an open marriage - but my MM is not. I also fear that he really will one day want to be with me. It's not really REAL.

 

So - yes - it happens. But like I said - I never gave it a second thought or wanted/needed advice on it. That is why many will find it perhaps odd that you've come here. It's a forum filled with a variety of relationship issues with people that are in committed relationships. Some want to be with their OW/OM - some don't. It's a fairly wide spectrum of experience to draw from.

 

Some people will say that you must be in love. Only you can know that.

 

I will tell you that if you are his friend - you will lose that if his wife finds out about the affair. That part of FWB kinda sucks.

[cocorico]

 

But I do not. And if FWB is what was truly wanted, would you not choose a young man with no baggage who was at his sexual prime to be your "friend"? Because most women would know not to take a man who was early 20's seriously. So it's a win-in. No lies, no guilt,no baggage,no going back to family.

 

 

Seriously, you consider men in their early 20s to be at their sexual prime? unable to last more than a few minutes, focused almost exclusively on their own pleasure, with little knowledge of how really to satisfy a woman... And no pillow talk beyond sport or how wasted they got the night before? You're welcome to it. Give me a real man any day over a boy!

[Got it]

I agree MM can court like no other. I live in an area where there are lots of rich men in search of OW. I can be courted all day long if I chose to compromise my integrity.

 

But I do not. And if FWB is what was truly wanted, would you not choose a young man with no baggage who was at his sexual prime to be your "friend"? Because most women would know not to take a man who was early 20's seriously. So it's a win-in. No lies, no guilt,no baggage,no going back to family.

 

But I think it is as you say. they really want a man who will court and would rather be compared to wife than younger women .

 

That way even if it is FWB's you are competing with the wife which most OW blame for not "making hubby happy". Better ego boost for OW.

 

Obviously different strokes for different folks. Why the need to fit everyone in the same box? The OP does not feel this way. Obviously. Good for you but I don't necessarily agree for myself nor do I think that in every way this would be an absolute for everyone.

[Got it]

Seriously, you consider men in their early 20s to be at their sexual prime? unable to last more than a few minutes, focused almost exclusively on their own pleasure, with little knowledge of how really to satisfy a woman... And no pillow talk beyond sport or how wasted they got the night before? You're welcome to it. Give me a real man any day over a boy!

 

I agree, give me a man in his late 30's, early 40's, been around a bit, learned a thing or two, understands that it is more than just pumping the barrel, and has mellowed with experience and Life's lessons. And more likely to be established in their career.

 

What a man, what a man, what a mighty fine man . . .

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am wondering if there is anyone else in this type of situation and if they have been casual with a MM for a long time?

Here is my story:

I have been sleeping with a MM for almost a year now. I don't think of it as an affair more like a casual situation. I know I should stop but I don't want to.

I am not in love we just have a good time once a week. I date other people, have an active social life but just sleep with him. We text funny emails and suggestive stuff often. He is my secret and I am his secret.

I am recently divorced from a serial cheater and so I have the prospective of a BS so I do feel bad for the wife but not enough to quit.

 

I think I find this interesting because you were a BS. But I digress.

 

I know that people justify the affair because they were (sometimes) not the one who made the vow. I agree with the previous poster who said that this kind of a situation eats away at your soul.

 

I compare to this...you are with someone who requently robs people. You aren't "directly" involved, but he buys you things and you go out to nice dinners on the money he steals. One day he robs someone and he punches the homeowner in the face in front of their small child. He brings home the money and you all have a nice lobster dinner.

 

The homeowner goes to get treated for injuries, the child suffers from trauma, and yes they are out the money.

 

You didn't go to the house, nor did you throw the punch, but are you not as culpable?

 

I know, I know, your MM is 1)in a loveless sexless marriage 2)the spouse is "crazy" suicidal etc, 3)is staying for the children 4) they have an "arrangement" or whatever lies they tell you or themselves...

 

Is it ok to be ok "just" being th OW?

 

No. Sorry. It's not right for them or for you...there are plenty of people free to (and want to) have whatever kind of relationship you do without the negative impact on others. It's never alright to purposefully hurt someone whether you know them or not.

 

My opinion, but you asked.

[Got it]

I think I find this interesting because you were a BS. But I digress.

 

I know that people justify the affair because they were (sometimes) not the one who made the vow. I agree with the previous poster who said that this kind of a situation eats away at your soul.

 

I compare to this...you are with someone who requently robs people. You aren't "directly" involved, but he buys you things and you go out to nice dinners on the money he steals. One day he robs someone and he punches the homeowner in the face in front of their small child. He brings home the money and you all have a nice lobster dinner.

 

The homeowner goes to get treated for injuries, the child suffers from trauma, and yes they are out the money.

 

You didn't go to the house, nor did you throw the punch, but are you not as culpable?

 

I know, I know, your MM is 1)in a loveless sexless marriage 2)the spouse is "crazy" suicidal etc, 3)is staying for the children 4) they have an "arrangement" or whatever lies they tell you or themselves...

 

Is it ok to be ok "just" being th OW?

 

No. Sorry. It's not right for them or for you...there are plenty of people free to (and want to) have whatever kind of relationship you do without the negative impact on others. It's never alright to purposefully hurt someone whether you know them or not.

 

My opinion, but you asked.

 

Actually no she didn't ask if others felt it was okay to be an OW. She asked if there were others in a similar situation. So no, she didn't ask for your above opinion.

[Pierre]

Actually no she didn't ask if others felt it was okay to be an OW. She asked if there were others in a similar situation. So no, she didn't ask for your above opinion.

 

OP is seeking the opinion of the pro EMR sector of the forum. I think OP has been informed of the drawbacks:

 

OP has no issues with remorse or guilt.

[jlola]

I agree, give me a man in his late 30's, early 40's, been around a bit, learned a thing or two, understands that it is more than just pumping the barrel, and has mellowed with experience and Life's lessons. And more likely to be established in their career.

 

What a man, what a man, what a mighty fine man . . .

 

Confused. Is she looking for FWB's or a "boyfriend" to have "conversation" with. Also, you are correct. Everyone has different experiences. I do not think because a man is older he will be better in bed. I also do not think a man is a man because of age. I hav seen lots of immature men in 30's,40's,50's and even 70's. Age has nothing to do with empathy,skills,character or integrity. In fact there are many 20 something men I find to be on the ball.

 

Ex: 24 year old. Occupational therapist. Has been working in his mother's business with children since he was 16. Hard to find a more respectable, compassionate young man straight out of the Midwest. Very close to parents and had his head on straight. Also,handsome as hell. That is a man.

 

many men are boys and wome confuse age with maturity.

 

No, I would never date anyone so young.

[LilGirlandOW]

OP, as the OW I ask you this...

 

Do you ever wonder after a year why MM doesnt develop strong feelings for you? That would mess with my head big time, hell it did until at 5mnths my MM professed his love to me... I think sex with feelings is much more fulfilling, and amazing. Our sex life was great before we knew we were in love but after it was AMAZING!

 

And I know your a MOW, but regardless, I would be worried my MM had many OW if he refused to invest emotionally in me.

 

But thats just me:love:

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sorry, I see upon further review she only wanted validation of her choices. Such that they are.

[LilGirlandOW]

I also wanna touch on the sex topic, regarding older men/younger men/married men/single men.

 

Sex with my married boyfriend, he has been married going on 20yrs, and our intimacy and sex was like a re awakening for him so to speak, after being in his marraige so long and very bland vanilla sex, small pecks for kissing and no cuddling, it was like we sparked passion in eachother that hadnt been there in quite some time. I remember our first kiss, a goodbye kiss, it was quick, light, like a "kiss of duty", like how he would kiss his wife, it had been so long since he had passion in his life that he was unsure of how the dance went. It was like at first dating a 40yr old virgin, lmao. Fast forward a couple encounters and it was like dating a stallion thats been caged for 20 years, like he had been saving all his emotion, passion and zest for me all these years.

 

Unlike a young kid who has a new piece of ass every weekend he goes to the bar,

 

It was amazing to go through all this together,

 

Older men just a confidence about them, and swagger and comfort in knowing who they are.... Younger guys are still trying to discover this, not all but in general, IMHO of course,