Being Ok with being an OW

[SweetiePie12]

Why is he not assisting himself in his own happiness by leaving a situation that makes him unhappy?

 

Who said he is unhappy' I think our frustrations in life rest primarily with our professional ambition.

[SammySammy]

What we have here is known as the Cognitive Dissonance Theory, and some of the posters here are proving it. The theory provides that if two cognitions are in conflict with each other, it causes discomfort enough to make the person change one of the cognitions. If a person enters into an affair with a married person, they normally feel guilt for the harm they are doing. Guilt is the discomfort. They have/had the cognition that they themselves are a good person. They also have the cognition that they want the affair. The opposing/conflicting cognitions produces discomfort, which compels them to have to change one of the cognitions so that both are in compliance with each other. Therefore, they have to either think of themselves as a bad/harmful person in order to have the affair, or they have to think that affairs are not bad/not harmful/or not their fault. Most people, in order to maintain self esteem, do not want to think of themselves as harmful to others, so they choose to change their cognitions about affairs to it being not harmful or not their fault, therefore you have the rationalizations that we sometimes hear on LS, such as "I am actually improving his marriage," or "I am not the one betraying someone."

 

Or, in order to relieve the cognitive dissonance, they stop themselves from having the affair or discontinue the affair.

 

I had heard of cognitive dissonance, but hadn't taken the time to learn what it was.

 

It's definitely true and can be seen all over LS as you said. It's the reason I ended to the situation I was in.

 

Thanks for explaining.

[Got it]

But how can you make such decisions if the people in your life are lying to you about their behaviour and their code of conduct? That's the problem with cheating. People are robbed of their choices because other people are sneaking around behind their back being dishonest and encouraging the BS to believe in a false reality. The MM is the one cheating and perpetuating this huge lie and manipulation but the OW knows it's happening and allows it, even encourages it in some cases.

 

You are right. Absolutely. You can only make decisions based on what you know today and allow yourself to amend your decisions if the information changes.

 

That is one thing that is out of your control. It just is. You make a leap of faith but always knowing that tomorrow it could change. There are no constants in life so, for me, the belief that someone will always be whom they say they are today is a fairy tale that while is very lovely just can't be guaranteed. We are not the same people we were 10 years, 20 years, 30 years ago. We ebb and flow and we hope to do it in tandem but life doesn't promise us that.

 

I agree, when one says their marriage vows they are supposed to be making a very good assumption based on a great deal of introspective work and analysis that this is a promise they can maintain for the rest of their life. But unfortunately a large number of people aren't good at the introspection, don't even think about the things they don't know, assume that if today is good tomorrow should be without any work, etc. This is a bit of a threadjack but getting married should be a heck of a lot harder to do. It is very easy to do it and why? You are making some serious promises that you can do with little thought or prepping.

 

So back to your post. We can only control our behavior and can only know what we know today. We have to forgive ourselves of the things we don't know, we have to allow ourselves to flow as things change, and we have to know that there are no constants.

 

I was thinking further about this in the car and I think there are two different arguments happening that I wanted to differentiate. One, I am not saying nor do I think it is unreasonable to not be angry at the OP in one's situation. I think that is a judgement call on a case by case basis and it is an emotion, and no emotion is wrong. I think some cases warrant it to a far greater intensity than others - friends with the OP as well will have two separate and independent relationships with the BS.

 

So, like any emotion, if you feel it rock it. I think, though, at some point one has to evaluate the real estate being taken up in one's mind and decide how long you want to maintain that.

 

The main crux of my argument is I feel it is unrealistic to expected the rest of the world to maintain a code of conduct the person closest to you failed to do so. If they, who is the most invested, caring and involved cannot see the priority and consequences of those actions the expectation of a stranger who doesn't have that additional information/experience is even far less likely. Should someone? Sure. People shouldn't cheat either. But reality says that this is considered a reasonable course of action for many for a multitude of reasons.

 

Let's say that all other women never allowed a married man to cheat. A determined man can still find prostitution, strip clubs, porn, etc. So if we are restricting sex, there will be a means if the determination is strong enough. Now the emotional piece, that is a grayer area and harder for people not to lead down unless we go to segregating all sexes as the easiest way to stop it.

 

It is just a lot of trying to restrict behavior that, if determined enough, will come out. And for what? For me, it circles back around, that he cheated when the opportunity presented itself. He choose to cross that line regardless of his ties to me. For me, the OP was a nonentity. She was when I was cheated on dating. He was when I found out about my mom's long ago affair. They just haven't matter to me. What matter to me is the person I knew and cared for and their decisions.

 

So at the end of this, I don't think it is possible or realistic to manage other's behaviors. It is impossible to expect or think feasible that there should never be the OW. There will always be another Woman in some way, shape or form. Temptation will always be there. Period. So it is on the person that is attached to know better and to choose differently.

[Pierre]

You are right. Absolutely. You can only make decisions based on what you know today and allow yourself to amend your decisions if the information changes.

 

That is one thing that is out of your control. It just is. You make a leap of faith but always knowing that tomorrow it could change. There are no constants in life so, for me, the belief that someone will always be whom they say they are today is a fairy tale that while is very lovely just can't be guaranteed. We are not the same people we were 10 years, 20 years, 30 years ago. We ebb and flow and we hope to do it in tandem but life doesn't promise us that.

 

I agree, when one says their marriage vows they are supposed to be making a very good assumption based on a great deal of introspective work and analysis that this is a promise they can maintain for the rest of their life. But unfortunately a large number of people aren't good at the introspection, don't even think about the things they don't know, assume that if today is good tomorrow should be without any work, etc. This is a bit of a threadjack but getting married should be a heck of a lot harder to do. It is very easy to do it and why? You are making some serious promises that you can do with little thought or prepping.

 

So back to your post. We can only control our behavior and can only know what we know today. We have to forgive ourselves of the things we don't know, we have to allow ourselves to flow as things change, and we have to know that there are no constants.

 

I was thinking further about this in the car and I think there are two different arguments happening that I wanted to differentiate. One, I am not saying nor do I think it is unreasonable to not be angry at the OP in one's situation. I think that is a judgement call on a case by case basis and it is an emotion, and no emotion is wrong. I think some cases warrant it to a far greater intensity than others - friends with the OP as well will have two separate and independent relationships with the BS.

 

So, like any emotion, if you feel it rock it. I think, though, at some point one has to evaluate the real estate being taken up in one's mind and decide how long you want to maintain that.

 

The main crux of my argument is I feel it is unrealistic to expected the rest of the world to maintain a code of conduct the person closest to you failed to do so. If they, who is the most invested, caring and involved cannot see the priority and consequences of those actions the expectation of a stranger who doesn't have that additional information/experience is even far less likely. Should someone? Sure. People shouldn't cheat either. But reality says that this is considered a reasonable course of action for many for a multitude of reasons.

 

Let's say that all other women never allowed a married man to cheat. A determined man can still find prostitution, strip clubs, porn, etc. So if we are restricting sex, there will be a means if the determination is strong enough. Now the emotional piece, that is a grayer area and harder for people not to lead down unless we go to segregating all sexes as the easiest way to stop it.

 

It is just a lot of trying to restrict behavior that, if determined enough, will come out. And for what? For me, it circles back around, that he cheated when the opportunity presented itself. He choose to cross that line regardless of his ties to me. For me, the OP was a nonentity. She was when I was cheated on dating. He was when I found out about my mom's long ago affair. They just haven't matter to me. What matter to me is the person I knew and cared for and their decisions.

 

So at the end of this, I don't think it is possible or realistic to manage other's behaviors. It is impossible to expect or think feasible that there should never be the OW. There will always be another Woman in some way, shape or form. Temptation will always be there. Period. So it is on the person that is attached to know better and to choose differently.

 

So many convoluted rationalizations coming from a very smart woman like you make no sense.

 

Life would be much simpler for you if you would simply say:

 

It was in an exit affair, relationships end all the time. I am not proud I was involved, but as I said it was an exit affair and the end result was a very good for all involved.

 

 

There, no big deal!

 

No need to use a litany of ethical fallacies. No loss of honor and no need to fear being judged. You are fine and I see nothing wrong with an exit affair.

Edited July 9, 2013 by Pierre

[Got it]

So many convoluted rationalizations coming from a very smart woman like you make no sense.

 

Life would be much simpler for you if you would simply say:

 

It was in an exit affair, relationships end all the time. I am not proud I was involved, but as I said it was an exit affair and the end result was a very good for all involved.

 

 

There, no big deal!

 

No need to use a litany of ethical fallacies. No loss of honor and no need to fear being judged. You are fine and I see nothing wrong with an exit affair.

 

Pierre, I was not speaking of myself or my situation. Nor was I looking for your opinion or assumption on myself.

[Got it]

Got It thanks for the response. I won't write a long reply because we are probably thread jacking.

 

I think what Pierre says is correct. I don't think all OW are bad people or that they should rot in hell. I think they are being selfish and that they are assisting someone in hurting another person or even entire families while the affair is going on. I don't think it's any other person's responsibility to stop someone who is determined to cheat from doing so. I can't stop anyone from being a bank robber if that's what they really want to do but I don't want any part of it. I'm not going to drive them to the bank and wait patiently for them to rob the bank so I can give them a lift home once they're done. So yes, I think OW are doing themselves and others wrong while they are actively participating in an affair. I have done wrong in my life, I have hurt myself and other people along the way. I have done my best to learn from my errors, make amends and become a better person. The only way for me to do that was to be honest with myself and not coddle my own ego with all these rationalizations of how what I did was actually okay because of this or the other thing. It's okay to admit ones errors, actually it takes character and strength to do so. Some people here and I'm not talking directly to you, act like the world will implode if they were ever to accept that they actually did something wrong. Like they would rather die than say " I did wrong and I'm sorry". They think they are saving face but actually they are just pushing everyone away and isolating themselves because nobody can understand or get close to someone who is unable to ever accept and blame or responsibility for their actions.

 

Alexandra but that is a totally different point than what we have been discussing. What I am saying is what is realistic and what isn't. I have not discussed ownership.

 

So you want a public declaration from people here on their accountability? Why? What does it matter? Why do you need to hear that people feel their accountable? Why do you need to hear a stranger's apology especially in a situation that you are not in?

[Pierre]

Alexandra but that is a totally different point than what we have been discussing. What I am saying is what is realistic and what isn't. I have not discussed ownership.

 

So you want a public declaration from people here on their accountability? Why? What does it matter? Why do you need to hear that people feel their accountable? Why do you need to hear a stranger's apology especially in a situation that you are not in?

 

You are taking this personally. I think she is simply exploring a philosophical point in a vacuum.

Edited July 9, 2013 by Pierre

[Toots]

I am wondering if there is anyone else in this type of situation and if they have been casual with a MM for a long time?

Here is my story:

I have been sleeping with a MM for almost a year now. I don't think of it as an affair more like a casual situation. I know I should stop but I don't want to.

I am not in love we just have a good time once a week. I date other people, have an active social life but just sleep with him. We text funny emails and suggestive stuff often. He is my secret and I am his secret.

 

I was in a similar situation a long time ago. It worked well for me at the time. When I got bored I ended it.

[HopingAgain]

Got It thanks for the response. I won't write a long reply because we are probably thread jacking.

 

I think what Pierre says is correct. I don't think all OW are bad people or that they should rot in hell. I think they are being selfish and that they are assisting someone in hurting another person or even entire families while the affair is going on. I don't think it's any other person's responsibility to stop someone who is determined to cheat from doing so. I can't stop anyone from being a bank robber if that's what they really want to do but I don't want any part of it. I'm not going to drive them to the bank and wait patiently for them to rob the bank so I can give them a lift home once they're done. So yes, I think OW are doing themselves and others wrong while they are actively participating in an affair. I have done wrong in my life, I have hurt myself and other people along the way. I have done my best to learn from my errors, make amends and become a better person. The only way for me to do that was to be honest with myself and not coddle my own ego with all these rationalizations of how what I did was actually okay because of this or the other thing. It's okay to admit ones errors, actually it takes character and strength to do so. Some people here and I'm not talking directly to you, act like the world will implode if they were ever to accept that they actually did something wrong. Like they would rather die than say " I did wrong and I'm sorry". They think they are saving face but actually they are just pushing everyone away and isolating themselves because nobody can understand or get close to someone who is unable to ever accept and blame or responsibility for their actions.

 

I think for some of these people, it would hurt too much to admit the truth. Noone wants to be seen or thought of as heartless or uncaring.