Guys, would you be mad if you had 10+ dates and didn't have sex yet?

[KathyM]

See it works differently for different people. I go to a philosophy meetup group once a month and get stimulating conversation there. I also wouldn't be interested in someone into beer and football.

 

And if you are averagely sized down there, and get your sexual satisfation from the standard sex acts, then yes, you will probably have an easier time finding sexual compatibility. So obviously its not such a concern.

 

For those of us at the extremes of the bell curve, it can seem frustrating and virtually impossible. Which is why I have pretty much given up. In 5yrs I have met 1 man who I am sexual compatible with and he turned out to be married to someone else. But I am still happier then if I had met 0, which would be the case if i wanted to hold out for sex.

Well, I have to point out the obvious. Not trying to pick on you, but this pretty much proves what some women on here are trying to say. You had sex with a guy early on, thinking that sexual compatibility is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing before even finding out who this guy really is, and he actually turned out to be married and cheating, and you didn't know it before having sex with him. That's a pretty good reason right there to wait for sex until you get to know the guy, so you can weed out those who are married or committed to someone else and are cheating on their SO, or have some other character flaws that make that person not relationship material.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think I can sum this all up nicely.

 

People who do not choose to or feel comfortable with having sex early on (though "early" is subjective in this thread) are not wrong; they are not necessarily uptight, sexually oppressed, controlling judgmental prudes.

 

People who DO choose to have sex (subjectively) early are not wrong. They are not necessarily promiscuous, they do not "f anything that moves," they are not lower forms of humanity, immoral, loserly sluts.

 

Neither group is morally superior to the other. Sex is not immoral and when / how somebody has it is not a measure of their morals, values or virtue.

 

The choice to have sex on ones own terms does not indicate a dearth of self control, unless they have a problem in that area Some do.

 

People ALL do best when they stay true to themselves and I think that sex is a particularly delicate area of concern about this.

 

People who try to coerce or pressure others into having sex, or not, on THEIR terms are the ones who are doing wrong.

 

That includes manipulating through anger (as the OP put forth for discussion), by harshly judging another person's sexual nature / behavior, and by promoting a power struggle by EITHER something like "3 date rule" OR "making them wait."

 

On the other hand, it is fine and even good for people who don't feel like having sex, whether it's "yet" or maybe they'll never feel like it with that person. AND it is fine, and good, for a very sexual person to choose to move on when then get the idea that someone they're dating is not like that.

 

It is perfectly reasonable for people to seek partners who view sexuality in a compatible way to their own.

 

Also to seek a sexually compatible partner or partners. That is not wrong.

 

So if somebody does not match you, MOVE ON. And if somebody wants to go because they know you don't match, then withhold the ugly judgements.

 

That's what I think about it.

[sillyanswer]

That's what I think about it.

 

I think I love you.

 

 

Erm, I mean, great summary!

[silvermercy]

......

That's what I think about it.

I actually agree with all that.

My only reservation would be with the self-control part. Not being able to wait for a reasonable extra period of time for any situation is a negative trait in my eyes (this extends to issues unrelated to sex). For me, not being able to wait for something you clearly desire is associated with a lot of negative traits such as: impatience, questionable self-control and excessive risk taking. Now if you apply these things in a relationship situation, these are not traits I would like to see in my potential partner.

 

For me, it's just like the famous Stanford marshmallow experiment (delayed gratification).

[JustJana]

I hope the bolded wasn't aimed at me because I shared that I'd gone out with my husband 4 times, and then had sex - especially the "banging everything that moves." It was a very meaningful and important experience.

 

Regarding the rest - what is the problem here? WHY is other peoples' way of experiencing THEIR OWN sex lives a threat or an issue to you and a few others here? Just say NO!

 

YOU are in charge of YOURSELF. NEVER have sex when you do not feel it's the right choice for you.

 

And extend the exact same respect to other people, even if they like having sex on a shorter timeline than you do. You are not more moral or in any way superior to them. And I doubt that they really bang anything that moves, either.

I never said I was why are you being so defensive? I referred to banging everything that moves in ref to the people who do exactly that.There are men and women out there that think that's ok but I don't nor did I postulate that you did. It doesn't make me wrong to not want some guy who's middle name I don't even know to have any of his parts in any of my parts.

Yeah I honestly haven't known many guys who pull that **** though. It's usually girls that can't give up on an ex-flame.

That's just crap. Both men and women do it but it's generally guys that are screwing around behind "the ones" back because she isn't putting out fast enough.

 

You know con artists marry women and have them believe they are who they say they are. There is always that chance that someone will play the role. The old bait and switch that happens lol

They do that a lot, I just had to do an expose for work on a cheater website.I'm still sick over how much people lie.

[RedRobin]

So do you all sit around a fire and have a dialogue about sexual preferences and desires? Like a football team who instead of practicing plays on the field just sits in the locker room and talks about it in front of the chalkboard...?

 

Sure, why not? Good football teams talk plenty before they ever play... because playing involves risk and potential to get hurt or hurt someone else.

 

Men who take unnecessary risks and are communication challenged are not men I care to play with.

 

Edited: and if they lie about their sexual interests/abilities, it is a good bet they lie about other things as well. Takes longer than a few dates to figure that out.

 

I've never had a situation where the walk didn't match the talk when it came to sex.

Edited July 4, 2013 by RedRobin

[joystickd]

Sure, why not? Good football teams talk plenty before they ever play... because playing involves risk and potential to get hurt or hurt someone else.

 

Men who take unnecessary risks and are communication challenged are not men I care to play with.

 

Edited: and if they lie about their sexual interests/abilities, it is a good bet they lie about other things as well. Takes longer than a few dates to figure that out.

 

I've never had a situation where the walk didn't match the talk when it came to sex.

Are you for real?

[joystickd]

 

That's just crap. Both men and women do it but it's generally guys that are screwing around behind "the ones" back because she isn't putting out fast enough.

 

 

Just like there are women that while making a man wait will be banging someone. Men and women both be on some BS. It's not just the men doing dirty.

[kaylan]

I leave for two days and this thread is still on the first page.

 

Smh

 

Give it a rest guys. This doesnt deserve anymore discussion to be honest. Some people will wait for sex, others wont.

 

/thread

[Mme. Chaucer]

I actually agree with all that.

My only reservation would be with the self-control part. Not being able to wait for a reasonable extra period of time for any situation is a negative trait in my eyes (this extends to issues unrelated to sex). For me, not being able to wait for something you clearly desire is associated with a lot of negative traits such as: impatience, questionable self-control and excessive risk taking. Now if you apply these things in a relationship situation, these are not traits I would like to see in my potential partner.

 

For me, it's just like the famous Stanford marshmallow experiment (delayed gratification).

 

Who said the person was not ABLE to wait? I even said that I know some people do have a problem in that department.

 

It's a matter of choice.

 

I do believe that if a man really likes a woman a lot and she is not comfortable with having sex at the same time that he wants to, he WILL chill until she's feeling good about it. That willingness can indeed be a good indicator of what he's thinking regarding relationships. If it's going to be a long one, sex waxes and wains for sure. But not everyone finds their true love because they are shopping for a wife or a husband. Many of us just … find them and then, that's that. And in cases like that, sex often just comes along at a favorable time for the relationship to benefit from it.

 

But, there are a lot of messages being communicated on this thread that would run me off fast if I were on the receiving end of them. One of them is yours; that sexual desire is something that rightfully should be repressed, and if it's not, it signifies a lack of character. Another is that people who have sex and like it are somehow lesser than those who do not. It's been said more than once, "anybody can f**k strangers." So what. Anyone can eat a sandwich or watch TV, if they have one. Anyone can be celibate, too. Whatever, if I were interested in a person and those kind of attitudes were revealed, I would no longer be interested.

 

FYI, I am not and never have been promiscuous and honestly when I quit drinking I thought I probably would never have sex again, because I was so shy and awkward about that situation. Still, as I've said, I did have sex after 4 dates w/ my husband. That's because I felt 100% right about it AND I really really wanted to at that moment. I would not have felt one speck better about myself if I had used patience, control, whatever. In fact I probably would have regretted it, since it seemed unbelievable that I was not overthinking and fearful in that situation. I wanted to go with it! And I did! I still remember it very fondly …

 

Also, I have been on the receiving end of pressure. First time was my first real boyfriend who was 3 years older than me (I was 16). I was a virgin and I had strict boundaries for myself that way; I was not going to bend. He plagued me endlessly and ultimately got drunk and banged a friend of mine on high school graduation night. I'm happy to report that he still regrets it now, decades later!

 

The second time was my ex husband. We were separated for almost 4 years and I never saw him once. There were a lot of serious issues there. He got it together and came back. I wanted that. But he pressed to resume our sex life (which was great before). He was manipulative, he let me know in subtle ways that he wasn't going to hang around waiting for long. He was very desirable to many women. I felt threatened and I gave in. It was a huge mistake for many reasons.

 

I shared that so you would really understand that I DO think it's good for us to follow our clear and true inner voices when it comes to this.

 

But I was no better a person when I chose to wait (or intended to wait) than I was with my current husband when we got started with the dirty deed. Really.

[Phoe]

I can't see how a guy would want to wait so long with a girl like you assuming that is your pic in your avatar.

 

 

 

I would hope that what I LOOK like has no bearing on whether he will or won't wait... I just hope that he likes me enough to get to know me for a few weeks first. It's not too much to ask, I think.

[SJC2008]

I would hope that what I LOOK like has no bearing on whether he will or won't wait... I just hope that he likes me enough to get to know me for a few weeks first. It's not too much to ask, I think.

 

One would hope. You're Phoe, he's faux (see his threads).

[one goal]

One would hope. You're Phoe, he's faux (see his threads).

 

Im not fake. I just wanna bone hot chicks!