RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) I've had LTRs come out of early on casual sex. FWB that turned into full blown BFs. Having sex early or not does not determine whether a relationship is going to be serious or not. It's whether you're compatible with the person and whether you share the same interests and values. Saying that odds are low that early sex or FWB's will lead to a relationship... is not the same thing as saying it never happens. Most people who use your approach aren't looking for a relationship... so it is no mystery that they don't really find much correlation between their chosen 'style' and actually having LTRs. Serious LTR = a year or more in my book... not the few months where they chose to be monogamous. Although I get it that is what some people consider 'serious' these days. Edited July 2, 2013 by RedRobin Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Damn, I like this chick! Hmmm, glad you like what I have to say, but I'm no "chick." 100% dude here! Sorry to burst your bubble! Oh, the rose must have thrown you off! Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Saying that odds are low that early sex or FWB's will lead to a relationship... is not the same thing as saying it never happens. Most people who use your approach aren't looking for a relationship... so it is no mystery that they don't really find much correlation between their chosen 'style' and actually having LTRs. Serious LTR = a year or more in my book... not the few months where they chose to be monogamous. Although I get it that is what some people consider 'serious' these days. No, I am talking about relationships longer than a year. There is also no correlation that waiting will lead to a serious LTR. It might. But it might not. Just like if you have sex on the 3rd date or whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 No, I am talking about relationships longer than a year. There is also no correlation that waiting will lead to a serious LTR. It might. But it might not. Just like if you have sex on the 3rd date or whatever. Exactly. There's no point in waiting. It shouldn't happen on date 1, but by date 3 you know how things are looking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I'm afraid you're wrong there. Those other things are valuable to me, and I seek emotional intimacy and compatibility in many areas. It's just that I explore and seek sexual compatibility as well (not instead of) early on while getting to know someone. Not valuable enough. I disagree that those things you call facts are facts. I think they are your opinions. There's more than one way to skin a cat. I agree with you that the OP's desire isn't out of line for looking for an LTR, but I also think that it's not the only way to find an LTR. Hopefully, for anyone seeking an LTR, they'll follow a path that leads to them finding someone with compatible views about enough of the important things (to them both). That doesn't mean that the only way to an LTR is to avoid early sex (but I'm definitely not saying that your way is wrong). Good, then we agree. The go with the flow method doesn't usually end up in LTRs. The track record of people here who use that style is plenty of evidence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 No, I am talking about relationships longer than a year. There is also no correlation that waiting will lead to a serious LTR. It might. But it might not. Just like if you have sex on the 3rd date or whatever. I'm sorry. That is just wishful thinking on your part. While waiting won't guarantee a LTR... not waiting will certainly guarantee you end up f*cking a lot of losers. Anyone can do that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I'm sorry. That is just wishful thinking on your part. While waiting won't guarantee a LTR... not waiting will certainly guarantee you end up f*cking a lot of losers. Anyone can do that. Can anyone do that? You can't .... your superiority feeling would not allow you to enjoy yourself even when you would like to... anyway go on with your battle against the world and telling others how inclined for relationship they are... you know it better than them of course :lmao: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 While waiting won't guarantee a LTR… Agree not waiting will certainly guarantee you end up f*cking a lot of losers. Only if you choose losers to f***. Sex is possible with neither the promise of a LTR OR anybody taking advantage of somebody else. Even lots of sex with various partners. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Not valuable enough. um. How do you know how valuable those things are to me? I don't think we've ever met, and all I've said is that I value sexual compatibility at a similar level... and I value that highly. I value these things highly enough to not enter a relationship with someone holding incompatible views/values. How is that not valuable enough to me? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) A person who wants to wait 10 or so dates is perfectly NORMAL. I hate it when people these days are pressured soooo much to have sex by a certain numbered date that they have in their mind!!! I would never date such a person in a million years! I will also not date people whose motto is "I go with the flow when looking for an LTR". I will only date people whose motto is "I look for an LTR and I then I will let things flow". I hope people understand the difference... I wait longer not because I don't feel chemistry or passion or attraction or because I want to manipulate a guy (or whatever excuse is thrown out there these days like "life is short" etc). It is because I want to PROTECT myself from emotional and even physical trauma! I'm sorry but I just cannot have sex with a practical stranger (because, let's face it, that person still is a stranger after 3 or 4 dates. I could be dating a player or a charming ex prison convict for all know!) I also cannot have sex without making sure first that we have personality compatibility. Because lust goes but personality stays. And that's important to those who want an LTR. For those who are not seriously looking for a LTR I have found it to be the other way round. Edited July 2, 2013 by silvermercy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Only if you choose losers to f***. Sex is possible with neither the promise of a LTR OR anybody taking advantage of somebody else. Even lots of sex with various partners. Well, if you don't wait, then you have no way of knowing if he is a 'loser'... or mean, or dishonest, or anything else, now do you? Anyone can f*ck strangers. Seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 A person who wants to wait 10 or so dates is perfectly NORMAL. I hate it when people these days are pressured soooo much to have sex by a certain numbered date that they have in their mind!!! I would never date such a person in a million years! I will also not date people whose motto is "I go with the flow when looking for an LTR". I will only date people whose motto is "I look for an LTR and I then I will let things flow". I hope people understand the difference... I wait longer not because I don't feel chemistry or passion or attraction or because I want to manipulate a guy (or whatever excuse is thrown out there these days like "life is short" etc). It is because I want to PROTECT myself from emotional and even physical trauma! I'm sorry but I just cannot have sex with a practical stranger (because, let's face it, that person still is a stranger after 3 or 4 dates. I could be dating a player or a charming ex prison convict for all know!) I also cannot have sex without making sure first that we have personality compatibility. Because lust goes but personality stays. And that's important to those who want an LTR. For those who are not seriously looking for a LTR I have found it to be the other way round. Exactly....... Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Hmmm, glad you like what I have to say, but I'm no "chick." 100% dude here! Sorry to burst your bubble! Oh, the rose must have thrown you off! Yeah, after my reply I thought "What if this is a dude". Oh well..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 When they say they will not wait, what they are saying is that they are screening for people who share their sexual values Agree. Isn't it healthy to look for someone who shares your own sexual values? And aren't you doing exactly the same thing? and who also place a low value on developing emotional intimacy. That's not true. Many, many people I know personally found their way to emotional intimacy at the same time that they were exploring their sexuality together. In fact I'm not thinking of any who didn't. I am married to a man I had sex with on the 4th date (a month of dating). My first husband - we fell into bed after a party one night and that's how we got together, though we'd been in the same social circle for a few years so we knew each other. It's a matter of personal choice and style. I have trouble with your stance that your personal moral / sexual code is absolutely more virtuous and "higher" than different ones. You are right to stand by your own standards. Everyone is. But your own feelings about this stuff really have NO bearing on general reality and how other people feel and conduct themselves. Certainly there are men who just want to have quick, hopefully fun sex and move on. Some of them are dishonest about how they try to get that. At the same time, there are masses of men and women who have NO problem getting sexual … when they feel like it. They are not necessarily sleazy users. People who go with it when they feel sexual are in NO way less likely to have love and relationships in their lives than those who won't. These types of screening methods (3 date rule) are for people who aren't relationship oriented. Yes, I do agree with that. It's not the issue of having sex after 3 dates or whatever that signifies that they're not relationship oriented, though. It's the fact that they have a "rule." If a guy is very interested in you and in having a relationship in this time of his life, he probably won't mind taking time and letting you be comfortable. As long as the time spent together is fun and enriching for BOTH people rather than a gauntlet of the man needing to "prove" himself, which, personally, would send me packing instantly if I were on the receiving end. It sounds like drudgery. And if I knew that I'd been, as you say, "vetted" before a man would ask me out on a date … I would NEVER go on a date with that man. Also, if during this time a man learns that your ideas about sex and its role in society and relationships is tremendously different from his, he'll probably move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I don't really know what is the problem... No one is telling OP that she should not wait to have sex as long as she wants. Is more some of us have told her that she should wait if it is the way she feels about it. OP asked about how was the personal approach of people about this and some of us have shared how we see relationships and sex... Why some people need to proof their way is the only one that leads to relationships? What is what annoys you of other people enjoying casual sex or living their dating in the way they want? I am not telling anyone that you should have sex at any moment... or that you won't get in a relationship if you wait... so tell me why do you need to sell your way of seeing relationships? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Well, if you don't wait, then you have no way of knowing if he is a 'loser'... or mean, or dishonest, or anything else, now do you? Anyone can f*ck strangers. Seriously. If I liked a man well enough to have sex with him, I was sure that it was a risk worth taking. I have a great deal of trust in my own intuition and it's served me well. I challenge you, with all the vetting, harsh judging and hoop jumping required, to trump me in the finding true love department. Most of the people around you who are in relationships, as you put it, "f***ed strangers." According to your definition of "stranger." As I said, any person with some lame idea like "3 date rule" is … lame. But approaching men and sex as if it's all bad, loser infested creepiness? Well, it's no way to find love. You have to be in a place of openness to find love. And by that I do not mean sexually free. It's highly possible to adhere to your own standards without denigrating those of other people. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) so tell me why do you need to sell your way of seeing relationships? I suppose for the same reasons those who approach relationships casually do so. And it's annoying because such people simply waste the LTR-oriented people's time, most of the times, by promoting their own lifestyle and making the serious LTR-people feel that there's something wrong with them if they wait. Edited July 2, 2013 by silvermercy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
boaaaar Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) If she can keep me entertained enough during all these dates so that I have so much fun being with her without thinking about having sex, why should I be angry ? On a more realistic note, it's not gonna happen. Edited July 2, 2013 by boaaaar Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Say you really enjoyed her company and thought she was both attractive and interesting. Would you be annoyed with not having sex by dates 10-14? Would you even think to be in a relationship with her BEFORE having sex? Just taking a quick poll If you have any other comments feel free to share! I would NOT be annoyed if she were interesting and wanted to get to know me. I always aim for relationship before sex because I want it to be meaningful. My last few relationships I waited 2+ months (15+ dates) before we had sex. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I suppose for the same reasons those who approach relationships casually do so. And it's annoying because such people simply waste the LTR-oriented people's time, most of the times, by promoting their own lifestyle and making the serious LTR-people feel that there's something wrong with them if they wait. I respect this view. I am not coy about my sexual expectations. It is for this very reason, the reason you express, that I bring up such expectations very early in the relationship. So, if you are comfortable with my perspective, it can be stopped before it begins. I have yet to meet a woman (and they are ladies who have their act together for the most part) who didn't appreciate this talk. I have been fortunate to find women who have similar feeling about sex, so that helps, of course. After said discussion, I don't go into the relationship reminding her of what we talked about or giving her deadlines, etc. After the talk, it is very clear how the relationship is progressing and there should be no pressure to comply by some pre-described time. At least I hope not. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I suppose for the same reasons those who approach relationships casually do so. And it's annoying because such people simply waste the LTR-oriented people's time, most of the times, by promoting their own lifestyle and making the serious LTR-people feel that there's something wrong with them if they wait. I am sorry but can you please quote anyone doing that? I have only seen people who advocate for waiting for sex telling the rest that they are wrong.... but not the viceversa... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 If she can keep me entertained enough during all these dates so that I have so much fun being with her without thinking about having sex, why should I be angry ? On a more realistic note, it's not gonna happen. So basically she needs to be in the entertainment business (comedian, actress..) to keep you entertained enough...? Is this why people get girlfriends these days... The entertainment factor...!? That's the only way not to be pressured into sex early on? okay... I just... give up... Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 So basically she needs to be in the entertainment business (comedian, actress..) to keep you entertained enough...? Is this why people get girlfriends these days... The entertainment factor...!? That's the only way not to be pressured into sex early on? okay... I just... give up... Well to be fair, entertainment is pretty high on my list too. When I spend my spare time with someone I want to have fun some of the time. He needs to have a good sense of humour and smarts. That tends to be a mutual requirement. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I am sorry but can you please quote anyone doing that? I have only seen people who advocate for waiting for sex telling the rest that they are wrong.... but not the viceversa... How about the 3-date RULE? Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Well to be fair, entertainment is pretty high on my list too. When I spend my spare time with someone I want to have fun some of the time. He needs to have a good sense of humour and smarts. That tends to be a mutual requirement. Yes, I agree. But the way he expressed it is that that's the only acceptable way for a woman not to have sex early on. What's gonna happen later if she gets an illness? He'll dump her because she's not entertaining enough? Link to post Share on other sites
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