His Heart Was Broken Before & Now He Won't Trust Me

[Onebrownorchid]

About a month ago, I met this incredibly great guy online. We seemed to have so much in common in terms of our relationship experience and through web cam there was an instant connection and mutual attraction. We kind of fell into this pattern of talking every day, text messaging each other often, seeing each other on web cam, and calling each other on the phone every night before we went to bed. He seems/ed perfect. Both of us started dating very late in our lives. We were both overweight and just late bloomers. We both lost a lot of weight and ended up having our first romance being an intense and long distance one (with other people). So, though we'd both prefer dating someone in the same city, we're both familiar with long distance relationships. We've talked alot about relocation as well....and for the past couple of weeks we've been feeling very much like a couple.

 

Now here's the problem. He was very hurt from his first relationship. It was his first love and she completely broke his heart and was cheating on him. The relationship lasted 4 years for him and he felt completely betrayed by this woman. He says that he would like to be able to trust another woman again....but that he's not sure if he can ever do that... I was completely willing to wait and earn his trust realizing he had been hurt. Now after a month, I do feel emotionally invested in him....but just this past week he's out of the blue accused me of cheating on him.

 

As soon as he suspects something, he immediately hangs up with me, turns off the computer and ignores me for a day. When we finally do talk, he says..that something just didn't feel right. Or he completely misconstrues an innocent statement that I have made. I'm honestly not cheating on him. I actually spend a big part of my day and my thoughts on him...and i adore showering him with affections. The two times that this has happened, I've spent the time fighting my case and trying to convince him that I'm not cheating. He eventually says OK. He's willing to give things a try, but that he has no tolerance for cheating of any kind. To which I say, I agree. And I'm not cheating.

 

Now I feel like I'm walking on egg shells afraid I might say or do something to raise unwanted suspicion in him. I really really like him. I've done some dating and I recognize him to be a quality person and a quality individual who wants the same things that I want out of life. Trust is extremely important to me too. I trust that he's not cheating on me and I really really need him to trust that I'm not cheating on him either. But I don't know how to help him get over the betrayal that he felt over the situation with his first girlfriend.

 

I could really use some advice. Like I've said. I've not had a lot of relationship experience. I really do feel like I'm falling hard for this guy. But the two times he's gotten mad and suspicious of me were just too much to bare. My heart completely broken both times. What should I do? Is this a hopeless situation? Or will patience eventually convince him that I am trustworthy?

[Merin]

Well to begin with a month isn't really all that long to have known this guy.. while I understand that you like him, I would caution you to be careful.. all you really know about him, is what he tells you.

 

Secondly.. his behaviour sends up some pretty big red flags. He has zero reason to think you're "cheating" on him.. and the two of you are in a "online" relationship... again I understand that you like him, but gosh you haven't even met him face to face yet and already he is acting like this? Seems very controlling to me...

 

I don't know if you can "fix" this... it isn't you who has issues, it's him. It is unfair for him to make you carry around baggage someone else dropped at his door and to punish you by refusing to speak to you because something "didn't feel right" to him. This is ridiculous.

 

I think you need to have a talk with this guy. Let him know (again) that you haven't done anything wrong, and it is unfair for him to behave in this manner. If he is so familiar with LDR then he should be wise enough to understand the only way for one to work, is through communication and TRUST.

 

Be careful!

[Onebrownorchid]

Thanks for your reply, Merin2. I really appreciate it. Just from talking to him and getting to know him, I really don't think he intentionally was trying to "punish" me or be controlling or anything. I think he was just genuinely and deeply hurt before. My hope is that eventually his wounds will heal enough to let someone inside, again. If not me...then someone else when he is ready. Because he really is a good person and deserves a good person in return.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Onebrownorchid

Thanks for your reply, Merin2. I really appreciate it. Just from talking to him and getting to know him, I really don't think he intentionally was trying to "punish" me or be controlling or anything. I think he was just genuinely and deeply hurt before. My hope is that eventually his wounds will heal enough to let someone inside, again. If not me...then someone else when he is ready. Because he really is a good person and deserves a good person in return.

 

You're welcome... just keep in mind that YOU are a good person as well, and you really deserve someone who is a good person who trusts you in return.

 

Best Wishes