PurpleRadio Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 Okay.... INFO AND HISTORY There's this dude, Jake. He's 26, i'm 27. He used to go out with my girlfriend's friend Lynn, so we'd all four, go out from time to time to the movies, dinner etc. Jake got dumped by Lynn in December... so he moved out. So I befriended him cuz he needed a place to crash for a month etc. I listened to his stories and was a shoulder for him to lean on. I had met him a few times before, we had talked a few times about music etc. ...(He likes to make fun of people and is very opinionated. He is always insulting friends and although he does it in fun, it gets annoying, really annoying.) Anyway, I'd grab dinner with him, we went to a few rock concerts, He considered me his good friend since I was a bro and helped him out in his time of sadness and dispair. He Eventually found his own place after a Month and a half. I moved in to a new place with my GF. He still calls every once in a while to hang or get dinner together with me, my girl and his new girlfriend. Whenever we've hung out in the past, he'd always insult my GF and i've always just laughed it off, but my GF hates it. She doesn't really like him cuz he's not the warmest guy, kinda abrasive, nothing like me. I'm more respectful of people's feelings and just a nice guy, very caring. He's a nice guy, just too insecure, so he's always joking on people and insulting people. has a bad habit. I like hanging out with him every once in a while, but not like we're best friends. He says were like best friends. QUESTION Should I tell this guy the truth, that he needs to lay off, that we don't have that much in common, that he should stop asking me and my girl out to dinner, because she doesn't like him and thinks he's rude.? I feel bad, yet I know, I don't owe him anything. I helped him out a lot. I just don't know how to handle it. How do I tell the guy, without hurting his feelings? He can get realllllly annoying. He calls all the time for us to go out and hang with him and his girl, I'm tired of making up stories of why we can't just to save his feelings...... Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Be honest with him and tell him that your girlfriend doesn't like to be insulted. If you feel the need to "soften the blow" here then tell him you know he is just kidding and it's meant in jest.. but that other people do not percieve his "brand" of humor in the same light. He may have just got so used to behaving this way, that he thinks people are laughing "with him" just like you said yourself YOU just laughed it off.. and he really doesn't understand that people may be laughing it off... but calling him a jackass the minute he is gone. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author PurpleRadio Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 [font=arial]yeah, i guess I just gotta be upfront with him, it's just that i've let it go, TOO LONG. He always calls and he'll ask about how my family is doing, how my GF is etc etc, like he's a "real" friend and I don't get that. Part of me feels that he's trying to hang on to me as a friend, but I don't know why. It almost feels a bit "OBSESSIVE", like he's obsessed with me or something. Because, he's always calling ME to hang, I rarely ever call him to hang. Always emailing... I think that when I helped him out, after his break-up he saw it as a sign of a true friend. But I was just being nice. We like a few of the same bands, Same culture, but we are TOtally different personalities. If i never hung out with him, it would be no problem. Not to be rude. I just don't enjoy hanging out with the guy because he can be very loud and very rude. I just don't know how to tell him. Am I being too damn nice?[/font] Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by PurpleRadio [font=arial]yeah, i guess I just gotta be upfront with him, it's just that i've let it go, TOO LONG. He always calls and he'll ask about how my family is doing, how my GF is etc etc, like he's a "real" friend and I don't get that. Part of me feels that he's trying to hang on to me as a friend, but I don't know why. It almost feels a bit "OBSESSIVE", like he's obsessed with me or something. Because, he's always calling ME to hang, I rarely ever call him to hang. Always emailing... I think that when I helped him out, after his break-up he saw it as a sign of a true friend. But I was just being nice. We like a few of the same bands, Same culture, but we are TOtally different personalities. If i never hung out with him, it would be no problem. Not to be rude. I just don't enjoy hanging out with the guy because he can be very loud and very rude. I just don't know how to tell him. Am I being too damn nice?[/font] LOL You know it is probably because you are a good guy that he "hangs onto" the friendship. If I had to guess, I'm willing to bet other "Friends" in is life got to a point where they were like "Dude, step off!" but so far so good he figures with you... There is nothing wrong with being nice to someone, but not when it effects your relationships or really even if your being nice to someone who is obnoxious. Again, I don't think you have to be an a**h*** to get your point across... but you do need to tell him that you've got other things going on. Don't feel the need to make excuses or give him reasons... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author PurpleRadio Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 Well Thanx for the Help. I guess I'm just SICK AND TIRED of making up stories. He is headed to the same concert I'm going to next week and wants me to Ride with him and his new girl. Do I make something up? or do I Just say No Thanks, I wanna go alone? Should I just stop calling the guy back? Should I just tell him, Dude, Stop calling, I don't want to hang out anymore, it was cool, glad I could help you out way back when you needed Help, Thanks for always calling and asking about the Family, thanks for helping me move into my new place, But, Honestly, I don't see us as life long friends. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 to think that you weren't friends with him? If you acted like his best friend then that's what he thinks you are. He's not a mind reader, as far as he's concerned you're just a busy guy, but still his best friend. If you don't feel that way all you can do is tell him. Ya know, maybe it is a little weird, but maybe he doesn't have any friends, so when someone is nice to him (imagine that) he gets really attached. I've been lonley before- I can relate to that. Maybe you can salvage the friendship. Are you willing to work on his problem with insults with him? Link to post Share on other sites
purrpleradio Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Well, Yeah, we did find a sort of bond somewhere when I was giving him a couch to sleep on and we'd talk about his problems and i'd give him a few stories of my own experiences with My GF and give him advice and we went to a couple concerts together.... Yeah, I don't think he has a whole lot of friends, I Wonder why, cuz he's insulting to people and makes fun of people all the time? Yes. That's just his nature, he's like that ALLLLL the time. There was one time he continued to tease my GF about something he knew about me that she didn't know, about a movie I really liked. But he continued to tease her about it, like "I know something you don't know, ha ha a ha ha". He's 26, this isn't High School. He's just a personality I don't care to be around. That time is over. I helped him out once, but he's acting like I saved his life. Sure he's been thru a lot of crap, so I don't want tell him to F*ck off, but hell, Sometimes I feel like saying "Dude, Stop F*cking Calling, You're acting like a desperate school girl, who's always saying, You're always busy, you never wanna hang out with me, do you still like me?"... Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Well, then be honest with him. Complaining about him is understandable, but unless you DO something about it don't expect your problem to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
pdiddy Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 If you don't like him- tell him not to call Link to post Share on other sites
purrpleradio Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 it's hard. we as people are very sensitive. I wonder how monkies do it or lions. Humans are complicated beings. Anyway, I do performances every once in a while( I play Piano) with a rock type group and This dude always comes. In the beginning, I would always tell him about them, because he didn't have anything to do and he was sleeping on my couch so i'd invite him, But now, He goes out of his way to come to almost all of them. It gets to be a problem, since I want to invite my girl, and my girl isn't comfortable when he's there because he's his normal annoying, joking, insulting self. I guess I just gotta say, Back Off, but How??? I guess that's my question. How do I go about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Be up front and honest but NOT insulting. Do not blame your GF. Say "Listen dude, I KNOW we're friends, but I really don't like the way you talk to my girlfriend. It's rude, and insulting and you talk that way to quite a few people. I am looking forward to going to the concert with my girlfriend, and if we see you there that's cool but I'd rather go on my own" Do NOT make this about an entire situation, right now. It's too much for him to handle, and you'll make him resent you. You don't need his bad mouth working against you. The next time he calls to hang out, say "Dude, I'm a busy guy. If you want to go DO something, like watch the game or whatever, fine but I have stuff to do. And you can't seem to act normal around my girlfriend, so couple stuff is out." See what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 PS-start screening your calls. Let him leave a message, and get back to him the next day. If he complains just say "I was tired, and couldn't get back to you" Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 So let me get this straight- this "friend" is annoying, insults other friends, insults your girlfriend (who doesn't like him), and is abrasive. Why are you so worried about his feelings? He sounds like an a$$. Tell him to cool it for a while and why. You'd be doing him a favor, and maybe he just might grow up. You aren't coming off as too nice, you're coming off here as a doormat. Letting this guy disrespect your girlfriend is spineless. You have to make a decision , it sounds like. Link to post Share on other sites
purrpleradio Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 THIS GUY... Walks around thinking he's a Good Guy. He is a environmentally, politcally aware kinda guy and he talks a lot about how he Helps the homeless and doesn't care about material things and likes his music that means something..etc so in many ways, he's very opinionated, yet, super-super-Self-concious, So THAT's why he tears people down and makes fun of people. He admitted this to me in his darker days when he was sleeping on my couch and crying about his girl leaving him about how he's really not that cool, if people really knew the "real" him, blah blah blah. But yeah, He Teases My girlfriend, rather than Insults her. He likes to tease people, A LOT mainly about the things they do, or the cars they buy or things like that, because he disagrees with them. Anyway, Thanks for all of your help guys. I appreciate it. I should be able to handle it. I've been ignoring his calls and emails to hang out and chill, and If he says anything about it, I'll tell it like it is. I have no problem being honest, I just don't wanna hurt the guy, cuz that's not my nature. But you guys are right....I don't owe him anything, so what's the harm in being honest? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted November 2, 2004 Share Posted November 2, 2004 Don't cut him off without an explanation-you seem to be too kindhearted for that. Pick a day where you and HIM can just hang out together and get a feel for him, then tell him your concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
purrrpleradio Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 I'm just trying to understand this guy.... He also will bring up ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME all the stuff we did or the music we listened to While he was staying at my house.. And he constantly asks me about how my Mom is doing (he's never met her, Her health wasn't great at the time he was living with me, so I talked about it with him, way back when). Is he just trying to bring stuff up to make me remeber that we bonded a bit?? He's not Gay. He's got other friends. He's got a girlfriend he's really crazy about. WHY IS HE CONTINUING TO HANG ONTO ME? Were dudes. I've never experienced this sort of thing from a dude. If he was my best friend for many many years, i could maybe see why he's acting like i'm hurting him. But the guy seems to have some sort of attachment to me. My GF says she thinks he's obsessed with me, in a joking way. I haven't called him or talked to him for a few days...and he just sent me an email that said: hi. That's it. All stalker-ish and stuff like that. Whenever I DO see him, he'll say "Yeah, like we'll EVER hang out, Someone doesn't like to Hang Out anymore." I just tell him I'm busy, Cuz I usually am. I barely have time to hang with the good friends i've had for years, let alone hang with this guy. Anyway, It seems like i'm ranting and raving and not doing anything about it. I know I can handle it I'm just trying to figure out what this guy's deal is. I guess He just really wants a best friend, but he's got a Girl. It doesn;t make sense to me. Yeah we bonded a bit way back when, but that time is over, He's not depressed anymore with nothing to do or nowhere to turn. So what Gives?? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Like someone else said...this guy has driven off most other potential friends with his rudeness, so he clings to the ones he has left. It's totally unacceptable for him to taunt your girlfreind or be rude to her. At a minimum, you must let him know very frankly that you won't sit still for any more of this. If you are together, and he is rude to her, guess what? The dinner, concert, whatever, is now OVER. That's right, get up and walk out if you need to. All in all, I think it would be easier just to always be "busy" whenever he calls. And say "I'll get back to you when I can." Which may end up being never. I understand why you pity him, but you have already given him plenty. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Anyway, I'd grab dinner with him, we went to a few rock concerts, He considered me his good friend since I was a bro and helped him out in his time of sadness and dispair. That is the main reason why he is hanging on to you! WHY IS HE CONTINUING TO HANG ONTO ME? Were dudes. I've never experienced this sort of thing from a dude. If he was my best friend for many many years, i could maybe see why he's acting like i'm hurting him. But the guy seems to have some sort of attachment to me. Just because you and him have not known eachother for years and years doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for you (plantonic caring I mean!) and honestly he seems really sensitive, just covers it well. Be honest with him. Do not lead him on. If you have no interest in the friendship then tell him. If you want him around as a friend, set the rules, draw lines in the sand and don't let him cross them. If he is rude to your girlfriend, CALL HIM ON IT. IF he pisses you off...CALL him on it! Otherwise, accept him and his faults and just don't try and figure him out. Link to post Share on other sites
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