Need to save marriage

[Nofrnds]

Hi all

 

I'm from Brisbane Australia

My wife and I have been together for nearly 7 years and married for nearly 3 I am 25 my wife is 24, and we have 3 beautiful kids together

 

Just this Thursday she told me she has had enough of living like house mates and it needs to be fixed, she still loves me but is no longer in love with me.

I know we have not been as close as we should be for some time, she says we are both to blame, but I know this is mostly my fault as for too long now I have taken her for granted assuming she would always stay by my side no matter how rocky we got, now I am disappointed and angry at myself for letting it get to this point to open up my naive eyes.

 

I love my wife and kids with all my heart and will do anything to make this work, but I'm afraid it may be too late as she is undecided as to wether or not she will stay with me, and said she has given up trying to be close, but I have been making more effort these last few days and want to make it more of a lifestyle change.

 

She is not the sort to keep me from seeing our kids, and we are seeing a counsellor Friday.

 

This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and grow old together, the thought of not being with her literally breaks me down in tears every time

 

Anyone please help, how can I get her to fall in love with me again.

 

P.S we are supposed to be moving house in 2-3 months (renting) but I she wants it sorted before then just in case we don't stay together then it will be a fresh start..

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry to say that there is nothing you can do to make another person feel a certain way about you.

 

Why don't you wait to see what advice your counselor offers since they'd be more familiar with what works and what doesn't?

 

Just be honest there and don't make promises that you can't keep. And stop crying. It's not over yet so quit thinking that it is.

 

Be strong.

[Nofrnds]

Thanks,

I understand I can't make her love me again what I probably should have said is "is there any way I can assist her in rediscovering her love for me"

That is probably still worded wrong.

 

Do you think there is any chance of her falling in love with me again or finding that spark we had if she has already "emotionally checked out"

[amaysngrace]

Do you think there is any chance of her falling in love with me again or finding that spark we had if she has already "emotionally checked out"

 

I don't know to be honest. Maybe the counselor can help her achieve that but it can only happen if that's what she truly wants.

 

I think that her going through with counseling is a very good sign though. It means she's not given up yet.

 

Why don't you try and think of things that you want to say to your wife before you go to counseling and try to speak from your heart and be apologetic.

 

For the record I think it's a bit of a tough time for many married people when there are small children around. They take the attention and focus away from the marriage sometimes and marriages take effort.

 

You and your wife are not alone with your struggles. Many couples experience that.

[elfman]

Hey bud, sorry to hear of your marriage troubles...

 

The "I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you" speech is the most common denominator for when a partner wants out. I do not know if you have read about NC and The 180. They work extremely well when applied to a partner that REALLY does not know exactly what they want, it gives them a jolt.

 

You have to be sure, however, that there is no third party involved... most of the time there is either a phisical relationship, an emotional one, or the promise or premise that there CAN be one. It is hard, but gather as much information as you can without being confrontational, especially since in the beggining you do not have proof and can be hurtful if you accuse your partner of doing something she hasnt.

 

Seeing a counselor is a good step, as long as both of you have the will to make it work.

 

Hope you work things out asap, I've been where you are, and can truly relate to what you're going through.

 

Take care and good luck

 

E.

[Nofrnds]

Thank you both for your advice.

 

Elfman: I have not heard of "nc and the 180" could you please educate me or provide a link please

 

I had already asked her if she had been unfaithful physically or emotionally and she said no, and she has been very truthful and straight forward to this point so I do trust her although,

The other night I did try look through the messages on her phone (not something I ever do) and found it odd that she had deleted all her msgs, some of which I had heard her receive since she had been in bed.

 

And today I searched her Facebook private messages (once again not something I do) and found a lot of msgs between her and a guy she used to work with, nothing really incriminating, but she seemed to ask him a lot if he was working that particular night or asking him his weekend plans, could of genuinely just been her being friendly but I'm not sure as this guy seemed to have a partner who is pregnant

[KathyM]

It's good that you're going to see a marriage counselor. I do have some suggestions on how to bring the spark back to your marriage. Increase your sexual repertoire and become a better lover. Make sure your appearance is the best it can be. Don't neglect your appearance. Increase your level of affection and playfulness. Take her out on a date once a week, and make it exciting! Be creative. Be exciting. Develop some new interests, and share them with her. Call her or text her in the middle of the day to tell her you love her, you miss her, or some other cute thing about her. Buy her flowers, surprise her with a gift. Romance her. One of the biggest mistakes husbands make is they let the romance go out of their marriage. They let boredom seep in, and stop making an effort to maintain interest. There is a lot you can do. Marriage counseling is a good start, but do be proactive and start changing your level of attention towards her.

[elfman]

Thank you both for your advice.

 

Elfman: I have not heard of "nc and the 180" could you please educate me or provide a link please

 

And today I searched her Facebook private messages (once again not something I do) and found a lot of msgs between her and a guy she used to work with, nothing really incriminating, but she seemed to ask him a lot if he was working that particular night or asking him his weekend plans, could of genuinely just been her being friendly but I'm not sure as this guy seemed to have a partner who is pregnant

 

Hey bud, sure, find The 180 here

 

In there there are expanations on NC (which means NO CONTACT)

 

Deleting messages and weird unwarranted personal messages on facebook or the web are bad signs IMO. The guy having a pregnant wife, or lover, or GF means nothing... a cheater cares little if the other person is cheating too, in fact it makes it more appealing sometimes.

 

Be careful, start gathering information, and DO NOT confront her with ANYTHING until you're ready and have a PLAN to move on... I made this mistake and it cost me dearly, I should've played stupid and it would've been a lot easier. AGAIN, YOU CANNOT SAY ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT HER INDISCRETIONS... THIS IS PARAMOUNT TO YOU BEING ABLE TO COME OUT ON TOP IF THERE IS ANYTHING HAPPENING.

 

Good luck, hope the 180 helps, if nothing else it gets you moving toward being fulfilled on your own, so there is no wasted effort in applying it.

 

Take care

 

E.

[Techie Artist]

You have to be sure, however, that there is no third party involved... most of the time there is either a phisical relationship, an emotional one, or the promise or premise that there CAN be one.

 

Hi, Bud. You're clearly in a lot of pain. Sorry to read that.

 

I disagree with Elfman on the quoted part. You're a fairly young couple and family. You're growing into a well defined adult. Three little ones are a handful for any marriage. You can inquire about whether there is someone else, but don't go snooping around. The seed of doubt can grow when there's no one else. There is always a PREMISE of another person being in one's future...unless you KNOW you're going to die soon.

 

Counseling is a good step, and you should ask whatever is on your heart/mind at that time. Be specific and blunt. You should also apologize as Amays recommends. Most importantly, share how much you love her and your kids with words and deeds. If she needs help with cooking, cook. If her back is sore, offer her a rub or send her to the spa. If she needs quiet time away from everyone, ensure that she gets it. Sounds to me like she's exhausted.

 

Good luck,

 

TA

Edited July 4, 2013 by Techie Artist
missed word

[elfman]

There is always a PREMISE of another person being in one's future...unless you KNOW you're going to die soon.

 

I think when you're in a healthy marriage there is never a PREMISE for another person in the future... the PREMISE comes forth when the marriage is sailing in shallow waters...

 

I agree that counseling can be a big help.

 

E.

[Nofrnds]

Thanks again everyone

 

I can easily see how the 180 would work in most cases but it was pretty much these actions that got us to where we are now.

 

I did ask her again if she had been speaking to anyone, and she said she had been chatting to randoms this week in chat rooms to see if that's what that what she wants and she has assured me its not.

 

I know it may sound like I am not listening to your advise, but she has been honest with everything I ask so far.

 

Counselling is in about 11 hours and I'm absolutely crapping my pants.

I don't know what I am supposed to expect from it

[elfman]

Good luck in there man! Counseling should not be making you crap your pants, what you want to do at first after all is LISTEN, you do not have to say anything, listen to what she has to say and do it as attentively as posible, and build from that...

 

I truly wish you are correct about her being honest and that your case is one of the 0.0009% where there is noone else or the clear idea of someone else. In any case, you must do what comes from your own conclusions, the advice here is based on our own experiences, and at the very least you can expect it to be an honest attempt to help. I do not think anyone in LS would take it to heart if you heard their advice or not, believe it or not, a lot of posters here are also venting their own issues by helping someone else.

 

Take care and break a leg in there...

 

E.

[Nofrnds]

So we both agreed that the counsellor was good, she picked up on both our personalities perfectly.

But we left with wife saying she feels worse as all she really did was point out how different we really are and didn't offer any real solutions (I understand one session won't fix it all)

 

But the conversation we had on the way home was , when/if we end up splitting who gets what, which really hurts to know she has thought that far along.

 

She says she feels completely numb and the only feelings she has are for the kids.

 

It was Friday we went and she wants me to boon in another for tomorrow (Monday) is this too soon, should we wait at least a week?

[amaysngrace]

Uh-oh...the opposite of love is not hate, it's numb.

 

Your marriage is over. Start separating assets now. Close joint accounts, cancel your credit cards and find a good lawyer.

 

That's what you need to do on Monday.

[Yamcha]

Yeah, the marriage is dead. Time to pull the plug and bury it. Better yet, cremate it so there is no remains ever again.

[WreckedDan]

I was trying to think of a better way to tell you that you're screwed here but there is no way... sadly if she's numb to emotional feelings with you, she has allowed negatives to fester for so long it's burned you out of her heart. Honestly she sounds like she's being cool about it, but she is done. I would suggest you listen to the above posts. Begin cutting ties and prepare yourself for a rough couple of months. Really am sorry to have to say that. The faster you get on track to moving forward into a life without her the better off you will be. Get some supportive friends and family around you ASAP too cause yyou're in for a bumpy ride friend.

 

My 2©

Dan

[beach]

Sounds like she's cheated or getting ready to cheat.

 

Start checking her phone (records too) and computer.

 

She's checked out - usually it's because someone else is tempting her!

 

Check - and hurry it up!

[WreckedDan]

Only bother doing the above if you live in a state that it will help you in the divorce... otherwise your just going to crush yourself if you find out something like that. Let her go, plan a future without her and keep your head up. One day at a time friend.

 

Dan

[elfman]

So we both agreed that the counsellor was good, she picked up on both our personalities perfectly.

But we left with wife saying she feels worse as all she really did was point out how different we really are and didn't offer any real solutions (I understand one session won't fix it all)

 

But the conversation we had on the way home was , when/if we end up splitting who gets what, which really hurts to know she has thought that far along.

 

She says she feels completely numb and the only feelings she has are for the kids.

 

It was Friday we went and she wants me to boon in another for tomorrow (Monday) is this too soon, should we wait at least a week?

 

I disagree that the marriage is over because of a SINGLE CONSELING SESSION, come on, it takes more than that. She might be numb now, but start yourself on the 180 man, maybe she reconsiders... if she sees you moving forward with confidence, she might be like "WTF" I am about to lose this guy!

 

If she wants to talk about separating things and who gets what, be as calm and logical as possible... tell her what you would like to get, and dont go all emotional about separating the estate... this works toward her thinking you're considering her opinion of where this is headed, even if you do not agree with it.

 

Take care.

 

E.

[koskimomin]

Brother, These are great problems for the couples nowadays. Husbands and wives sometimes change their mind to break their relationship and to no longer continue it. But It shouldnt be. Because relation between husband and wife is the greatest good thing for little kids. When the parents are broken up kids fall in great problem. Try counselling and try to make up the problem. Contact some counsellers to do that if u like.

marriage counseling naperville

Thanks everybody.