girl needed space, pushed it, now giving her space - how long to contact?

[alwaysrunnin]

I'm sure there are a million posts on this, but here's my deal...

 

Almost 3 years exclusively dating this girl, we loved each other so much, talked about marriage, our futures, etc...We were completely honest and open with each other, I did EVERYTHING for this girl and never ONCE thought about cheating on her or hurting her and she was the same with me. We're both 23 - she just started her first year of law school after taking a year off; I'm still working and trying to get into medical school (we live about 45 minutes apart now, met in college for 1.5 years, then lived 20 minutes apart in our year off). Two weeks ago, after a rough communication week (I felt like she was pushing me away, so I did the same, then bam! she needed her space). Then I tried to remedy it, made things worse, it went from I love you, to I don't know if I love you, to feelings of annoyance and we should see other people in a matter of a week.

 

I made the mistake - I think - of pushing too fast - but I had to let her know how I felt. I did get my 2nd chance the day after I told her not to call me until she was ready - she called and said ok - but I could tell she really wasn't into yet and instead of the laid back dinner date we had (I came over and played cool - did'n't say anything about how I felt, but she asked, so I had to tell her the truth) and it ended in "I have to let you go - I'm hurting you too much." She was visibly torn, but her mind was made up. I sent her an email basically saying don't respond until you are REALLY ready, maybe I'll be there, maybe I wont.

 

A week later, no contact, and here's the thing I'm worried about. All of my guy friends say don't call her - at all - no matter how long it takes. A couple of my girl friends (and myself) feel that if I don't hear from her in a month, I should just drop her a call. I DONT want to lose her to a rebound relationship - she actually went on a date and kissed some dude a week after we broke up! and she's not that type of girl... I know she is so confused and did it to hurt me - but I didnt do anything to her. I can forgive her for that, b/c if some chick threw herself at me that week I probably would have done the same - and I told her that. The thing is, we had issues that always came up that were never solved - petty issues in retrospect, ones that I know that I can resolve - but I need a real chance to show her that those things aren't that big of a deal that I made them to be - but until I have that chance, I feel that those might be a hang up on our relationship.

 

Basically, question is, do I contact her in a month if I want to still work things out, if I don't hear from her? I feel that if I don't, some dude might creep in (and I know they are already) and I'll never have that chance to show her the man that she fell in love with, as well as the changed man that has happened as a result of this breakup (its crazy - you never know how much you love something until it is gone, and the stuff you thought was a big deal isn't at all). The thing that scares me is that she has been here before after a 2 yr, jumped into a rebound, and then regretted it many months down the line, then met me - something I don't think I can deal with. You either love someone, or you don't - there's no fine line. Anyway, love sucks 2nd time through with this I DON'T want to mess it up again...thanks yall

[Mary3]

Okay STOP :

 

Stop being the giver .

 

She has thought about this breakup long before she crushed your heart.

 

Let it go....she is not into you anymore and a BREAK is BUllCRAP.

 

She is done.

 

.......breaks are just to soften the *I dont want you anymore*.

[Vosser]

I am in the same situation and I just got contacted for the first time in a week. Iwaited for her to call, I figured she would be ready to talk then. Its hard I wanted to call after the 3rd day. I am used to calling her everyday or about anything cool that happens during the day. How long do u think I should wait till next time?

[Weird]

don't call her. If she wants to talk to you then she will when she is ready.

 

Based on the odds, if you call her you will get burned.

[gersanos]

Agreed...let her go. My girl pulled the same thing on me recently. We both just started law school, and what's worse, she picked the same law school as me over the summer to be with me (she did get accepted to better schools). School starts and BAM, 2 weeks, and that's it. My friends (guys and gals) said that I did everything right in those 2 weeks other than 1 thing which was minor. This is her beef, and it's nothing with me. It went from "I love you" right before school started to "feelings not as strong" when we broke up 2 weeks into school.

 

It sux, but I also told her I will let her go, and I did. I havn't contacted or anything, just once after 2 weeks - not to reconcile or anything, called with no expectations, just to know what i did wrong, and she said I did nothing wrong, just that things were different and she didn't want to put forth the effort. Let her be. We had a 90-95% great relationship, very healthy, no problems with friends or family, simialr goals, talked about living together, marriage, future, etc. People thought that we were gonan get married and all. Name it. But, it's clear she doesn't even like me anymore, at least not now, and maybe never again. My brain doesn't understand this, but nothing I can do but move on. And it sucks. It's been 7 weeks for me since we split.

 

There is no other guy in my case. And if there is, I'd want her to go out with him, and she'll realize eventually her mistake and regret. It always happens. Happened to me when I pulled stuff like this when I was younger. Would I take her back if that's the case? Dunno, worry about that if it happens.

 

Don't contact her, and heal. I know man, easier said than done, but you'll get through it. You'll move on. There is nothing you can do, and if you do contact her, she'll resent you even more. If she calls one day down the road, then deal with that then.

[alwaysrunnin]

thanks for the advice yall...

 

so she emailed me the morning after i posted this, said she thought of me before she went to bed the other nite and got sad for a moment...but that she is still not ready for "us" yet, but maybe that was a start. i was just getting over her too (not all the way - that'll probably be forever - but from a functional standpoint), but then when you get stuff like that you get hope again...probably false hope, but i sent her an email back late that same nite (she emailed me early in the morning), just saying whats up, reassuring her that she was going to do fine in school, dropped the note that i was gonna start a bartending job friday nites on top of my other job and school - gotta keep busy, so might as well get paid to go out - tried to lighten the mood and be silly like i used to be...hopefully not too friendly...guess i'll just let it be though, and hope she calls me. in the meantime, i'll do my thing.

 

its hard to accept though - how can you show someone good times if they don't let you? i know i kinda pushed her away, and vice-versa - a lot of little things - i felt so comfortable w/ her the past two weeks going over there, i pretty much fell asleep after talking for a bit b/c i've been working like crazy...but she misread that as not interested...so she lost interest...i didn't make an effort for conversation when i had a lot to say - b/c i felt that she wasn't feeling me...i acted up a little too much - so i'm a little bit of a redneck but not really geez i'm trying to get into med school here so i'm educated as well, and can definitely handle my own in conversation...guess i shouldn't had said i was going to wear a beater to the dance we were supposed to go to (i was joking!) and other little stuff like that...oh well...live and learn. made a big deal about europe (why go?!) when it really isnt tha big of a deal...just little things...

 

then she leaves those away messages on IM...she never used to do that when we were together...probably just b/c she's talkin to old friends, but maybe to remind me that she's keepin busy doing her thing too...oh well don't ever say you love someone unless you are planning to work on a relationship, b/c there will always be some rough patches along the way...

[gersanos]

Right now you are going back and overanalyzing all the things that you did wrong which is natural. The joke about wearing a beater to a dance? Come on man, you know that's not what this is all about. Don't beat yourself up over it.

[Weird]

It is frustrating to have a person not want to see that things can be great and instead just avoids even finding out if things would be changed. You can't do anything about it except have faith that one day she will get to that point and will want to see if things would be good or if they would not be good. Basically, no matter what people think they know will be the outcome of something, they end up getting curious and wonder if what they thought was for sure would be the outcome really is or if they were just way off base.

[head/heels]

let her go...go out and make yourself talk to new girls/....

 

go out with your mates and have the most fun you can have ....soon enough you will be having fun and not worying about her and then is when she will come around....

 

Make sure you dont sacrifice yourself for some rebound or floosy one night stand though or she might not like that ...just live life exactly like you did the day before you met her....and keep the same morals, ideals, and what you look for in another and you will be fine until she is ready for "us". dont sweat the little **** either...it is not the real reason for this...

 

just make yourself a better person and be content with loving her as well as you did and make sure that you will be a better partner when you get the chance...

 

if you dont, make the next girl thank god the last girl was immature and didnt want you....she is out there too you know

 

DONT CONTACT HER OR HER FRIENDS ON THE SUBJECT OF HER AND YOU OR HER AND SO AND SO>>>>

ACT INDIFFERENT AND SHE WILL WONDER HOW YOU GOT OVER HER SO FAST!

 

STAY STRONG

 

come to the thread in "coping" with the title of "if its meant to be they will come back to you"

we are all in the same boat in there

[Weird]

agree 100% with head/heels. Got to keep living your lfie and realize your life existed before she was in your life and will continue after. As has been stated, she msot likely will contact you sometime down the line when she gets curious or maybe regrets things.

 

As head/heels said, better yourself so if you get a chance to reconcile (meaning by that time you still want to) then you will show her you are a better man and will be a better partner...and hey, maybe she won't better herself and you will see she isn't worth the time anymore.