therhythm Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 One thing that needs clarification is whether her prior experience was a one-time thing that she realized she didn't enjoy doing or was a common occurrence where she let her ex do as he pleased with her body. If it was the latter, then she could give any explanation reason or explanation she wanted, but I'd be out the door in a heartbeat, no questions asked. So there's not even a need for her to give an explanation. It just reflects that she doesn't trust OP as much as she did her ex and never will. Thank you! That is exactly what I am trying to say! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMusing Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 I am in every moment speaking about OP's girlfriend... you should not personalize my posts in you because they have nothing to do with you. Well, to be fair, you did quote one of my posts and then implied sex was more important to you than whomever you were talking to. Since you had just quoted me, I don't think it was unreasonable to assume you were talking to me. As for the rest, there's no reason for me to personalize what you wrote. In my own dating experiences I'm almost always the kinkier than my partners, so have no fear that they consider me closed-minded. My responses were not due to personalizing what you wrote, but defending the other POV (i.e., maybe someone who doesn't want to do absolutely anything their partner requests isn't selfish, since there are many legitimate reasons to want to say no). So now you know how the mother of OP's girlfriend said her comment to her daughter... that is called speculation and is just the last resource to keep siding with the woman in this story. The first comment I will do referring to you... you should try to be more objective and not only look to this from the female perspective.... Oh jeez, I'm not objective because I have a different opinion than you.... The OP requested advice on how to get over his jealousy/disappointment regarding the anal thing. He never asked if he should break up with her over it, which seems to be the sole focus of your advice. The best way to get over your own emotions is to step back and try to see things from the other person's perspective, to try to give them the benefit of doubt. My advice attempted to get him to do just that. In fact, I frequently take the position of whomever the OP is talking about; I think it helps round out the perspectives in the thread a bit. Besides, how exactly did I side with the girlfriend? I said at least twice that she was inconsiderate/rude to have said what she said. The comment from the mother is weird, I think most people here will agree with that. Something about the story doesn't fit; there's information missing. Trying to figure out why things don't fit together doesn't mean I'm grasping at straws to try to side with the her. I also never told the poster to drop the idea of anal sex. I advised he talk to her about it rather than getting worked up about something he doesn't fully understand yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Archanaart Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 It's her body! You have no right to say or demand anything from her. You have no control over her body and if she's uncomfortable with it then back off. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 Well, to be fair, you did quote one of my posts and then implied sex was more important to you than whomever you were talking to. Since you had just quoted me, I don't think it was unreasonable to assume you were talking to me. As for the rest, there's no reason for me to personalize what you wrote. In my own dating experiences I'm almost always the kinkier than my partners, so have no fear that they consider me closed-minded. My responses were not due to personalizing what you wrote, but defending the other POV (i.e., maybe someone who doesn't want to do absolutely anything their partner requests isn't selfish, since there are many legitimate reasons to want to say no). Oh jeez, I'm not objective because I have a different opinion than you.... The OP requested advice on how to get over his jealousy/disappointment regarding the anal thing. He never asked if he should break up with her over it, which seems to be the sole focus of your advice. The best way to get over your own emotions is to step back and try to see things from the other person's perspective, to try to give them the benefit of doubt. My advice attempted to get him to do just that. In fact, I frequently take the position of whomever the OP is talking about; I think it helps round out the perspectives in the thread a bit. Besides, how exactly did I side with the girlfriend? I said at least twice that she was inconsiderate/rude to have said what she said. The comment from the mother is weird, I think most people here will agree with that. Something about the story doesn't fit; there's information missing. Trying to figure out why things don't fit together doesn't mean I'm grasping at straws to try to side with the her. I also never told the poster to drop the idea of anal sex. I advised he talk to her about it rather than getting worked up about something he doesn't fully understand yet. :confused: Really, if I quote you in any case is because I am answering to what you were posting not because I am trying to imply anything about you. Regarding the OP case... I have said all what I had to say, I am not going to argue with you... If I would be him I know what I would had done already ... Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 This thread reeks of immaturity. No means no, if she's not comfortable with it don't attempt to coerce, manipulate or give her an ultimatum just so you can put your d/ick in her a/ss. If your sex/love life is otherwise awesome/fun what is the point of causing trouble just for anal. Ridiculous. Is this what the men/boys of America have turned into? And yes, anal can cause damage. Even the gay guys I know have all said it can be painful/uncomfortable afterward. In their words 'using the bathroom afterwards can be like trying to **** glass'. Anal fissures, look it up. She should not have to endure discomfort or pain just so you can get your rocks off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 If you're looking to inject adventure into your sex like, suggest other things or ask her what she wants to do. Have sex in a park or another public place? oral in the car? deep throating? When you're out with your friends, take her into the bathroom and have spontaneous sex. There are a million things you can do to be adventurous. Don't focus on this. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 She should not have to endure discomfort or pain just so you can get your rocks off. But should he have to endure her emotional betrayal, where she let her ex plow her in the butt as he pleased, while she won't let him near it? Are we missing the forest for the trees here...? What if we changed the details a bit...? Instead, let's just say she had sex daily with her ex, but with OP, she insists that they wait until marriage? What result? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonno20 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Share Posted July 4, 2013 If it wasn't a problem for her before, why should it be a problem now? Her ex cheated on her after 1 year but she still stayed, he used to argue with her a lot but she still stayed, she said our relationship is great because we don't argue... I asked her why she stayed with the guy if he was an a hole and she said because the sex was good... This must mean the anal etc, she then seen him for 2 years after just for sex but now then they had a big argument and she cut ties with him. If she is physically damaged then that is really ****ed up she was only 18 with her first boyfriend and he was divorced 39 sounds like she was used but still he allowed it and stayed with him all those years ****ed up Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 But should he have to endure her emotional betrayal, where she let her ex plow her in the butt as he pleased, while she won't let him near it? Are we missing the forest for the trees here...? What if we changed the details a bit...? Instead, let's just say she had sex daily with her ex, but with OP, she insists that they wait until marriage? What result? Um.. An emotional affair or a physical affair is a betrayal. The sex she had in a previous relationship is private business, not a 'betrayal'. She didnt have sex with someone thinking 'I'm only doing this to betray my future boyfriend' Her body, her choice. Also, they are clearly have sex. Not having sex is not the same as not having anal. If it wasn't a problem for her before, why should it be a problem now? Her ex cheated on her after 1 year but she still stayed, he used to argue with her a lot but she still stayed, she said our relationship is great because we don't argue... I asked her why she stayed with the guy if he was an a hole and she said because the sex was good... This must mean the anal etc, she then seen him for 2 years after just for sex but now then they had a big argument and she cut ties with him. If she is physically damaged then that is really ****ed up she was only 18 with her first boyfriend and he was divorced 39 sounds like she was used but still he allowed it and stayed with him all those years ****ed up And what, because you haven't cheated you are automatically owed anal? Where is that in the dating rulebook, because I clearly missed it. She was an 18 year old girl dating a 39 year old man, is that what I'm understanding? That is disgusting. You should be more worried about that than whether you get anal. She dated a man who was clearly much older and most likely took advantage of her. How old are you? Do you realize how f/ucked up the power dynamics of an age gap like that is? I have no doubt that man manipulated her. And now you want it just because that as/shole got it. You should be more angry about the fact that someone had the galls to treat your lady like that, and rather than being angry at her and thinking you now deserve anal from her. Also, as a 27 year old, I can tell you most 18 year old girls don't know what good sex is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonno20 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Share Posted July 4, 2013 Yes I wasn't too happy about it, usually age is just a number if someone is say 25 or over but at 18 you're still yet to mature so yes I think he took advantage an yes this annoys me to... So why did she have to tell me about her sex life ? I did not want to hear it is disrespectful and disgusting really, she can't blame me for getting really pissed off! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonno20 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Share Posted July 4, 2013 I am 28 year old she is now 26 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) Yes I wasn't too happy about it, usually age is just a number if someone is say 25 or over but at 18 you're still yet to mature so yes I think he took advantage an yes this annoys me to... So why did she have to tell me about her sex life ? I did not want to hear it is disrespectful and disgusting really, she can't blame me for getting really pissed off! I've been unnecessarily told about a partners past experiences before as well and I was pissed as a result. It's gross, you don't really want to imagine them with anyone else besides you. The past should stay in the past. If what she said bothered you, tell her. You don't need to hear about that. and yeah, you guys have only been together for 6 mos from what I'm understanding. That guy was an a-hole and a creep, that's no debate. But they were together for 5 years. She doesn't owe you anal. If *she* decides she wants to explore that with you, she will. Do not push it. Edited July 4, 2013 by camillalev 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonno20 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Share Posted July 4, 2013 I've been unnecessarily told about a partners past experiences before as well and I was pissed as a result. It's gross, you don't really want to imagine them with anyone else besides you. The past should stay in the past. If what she said bothered you, tell her. You don't need to hear about that. and yeah, you guys have only been together for 6 mos from what I'm understanding. That guy was an a-hole and a creep, that's no debate. But they were together for 5 years. She doesn't owe you anal. If *she* decides she wants to explore that with you, she will. Do not push it. Thanks for the reply yeah I think he's a creep to, she moved in to his after only a couple of months as well... Silly girl! Anyway I will see what happens, if it proves to be too much for me then I will have to end it, if she shows she cares about me and makes some kind of effort then that might work, I feel she's sort of damaged us and ill always "know" about that when I never had to know about that. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 No means no, if she's not comfortable with it don't attempt to coerce, manipulate or give her an ultimatum just so you can put your d/ick in her a/ss. I actually agree with this part of the post... I don't think OP should ever try to force or coerce his girlfriend for a sexual act... I don't think that is in anyone's mind... I think OP should be thinking if he is ok with being with a person who is not willing to be as adventurous, generous, trusting and flexible with him as she was with her previous partners. If he can then he should just forget about this episode if he can't then I would just fade like the morning fog... The last one would be my option! Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Her body, her choice. Also, they are clearly have sex. Not having sex is not the same as not having anal. Missing the forest for the trees again... This is not about sex; it's about her doing something willingly with a past partner that she refuses to do with a current partner. It doesn't matter whether it's anal sex or regular sex or taking the garbage out on Tuesday nights. She was an 18 year old girl dating a 39 year old man, is that what I'm understanding? That is disgusting. You should be more worried about that than whether you get anal. She dated a man who was clearly much older and most likely took advantage of her. How old are you? Do you realize how f/ucked up the power dynamics of an age gap like that is? I have no doubt that man manipulated her. And now you want it just because that as/shole got it. Clearly, the moral of the story is that if you want buttsecks, date an 18 year old. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Missing the forest for the trees again... This is not about sex; it's about her doing something willingly with a past partner that she refuses to do with a current partner. It doesn't matter whether it's anal sex or regular sex or taking the garbage out on Tuesday nights. Isn't that just the man competing with the previous partner though? 'I can get what he could'? Link to post Share on other sites
Archgirl Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Missing the forest for the trees again... This is not about sex; it's about her doing something willingly with a past partner that she refuses to do with a current partner. It doesn't matter whether it's anal sex or regular sex or taking the garbage out on Tuesday nights. Clearly, the moral of the story is that if you want buttsecks, date an 18 year old. I don't think it is at all. I think this is very clearly a case of a girl who was convinced or forced or emotionally manipulated into a sexual act she wasn't comfortable with by a much older man in a previous relationship. It is hard to deal with this in your own head when you are her age and she probably feels ashamed and guilty and is hence not able to talk about it as something which wasn't pleasant or her fault to her current partner who is only seeing the scenario through his own immature self focused perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Isn't that just the man competing with the previous partner though? 'I can get what he could'? I don't think that is the right way to look at it... is about the attitude of the person you love ... one would expect that if you are the one she chooses she would go miles further for you than for anyone else Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 I don't think that is the right way to look at it... is about the attitude of the person you love ... one would expect that if you are the one she chooses she would go miles further for you than for anyone else ... but this is how men look at it, no? Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 ... but this is how men look at it, no? Nope, I don't think so. I just would expect my partner to be willing to go further with me that she was willing to go with anyone else just because she loves me. If she is not willing to be as generous, caring, adventurous and trusting with me as she was with someone else then it won't work for me... I am not settling for less than that! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Isn't that just the man competing with the previous partner though? 'I can get what he could'? Perhaps, but it would also be a case of "my girl isn't interested in doing things I'm interested in doing, while this other girl would be interested in doing things that I'm interested in doing, so I should probably be with the other girl." Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Nope, I don't think so. I just would expect my partner to be willing to go further with me that she was willing to go with anyone else just because she loves me. If she is not willing to be as generous, caring, adventurous and trusting with me as she was with someone else then it won't work for me... I am not settling for less than that! so you are in fact competing I'm not being mean or anything I'm just aware of what testosterone does to men Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Perhaps, but it would also be a case of "my girl isn't interested in doing things I'm interested in doing, while this other girl would be interested in doing things that I'm interested in doing, so I should probably be with the other girl." but you are introducing a girl who wasn't in the equation in the first place Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 I don't think it is at all. I think this is very clearly a case of a girl who was convinced or forced or emotionally manipulated into a sexual act she wasn't comfortable with by a much older man in a previous relationship. And what's the basis for this "very clear" conclusion...? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 but you are introducing a girl who wasn't in the equation in the first place The "other girl" equates to breaking up with current GF to find someone else who is interested in buttsecks. It didn't refer to anyone in particular. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts