Feeling hurt by girlfriends revelations

[Emilia]

You can argue that in the same way when you deprive something from someone ....while you had no problems to do it with someone else...

I don't know. I suppose fundamentally I don't see someone's refusal to do something for me or give something to me as an aggressive act of depriving me. It sounds as if they set out to do something negative to you on purpose while in fact they are just looking after themselves.

 

What I'm saying is that I don't have an issue with people drawing boundaries.

[Archgirl]

And what's the basis for this "very clear" conclusion...?

 

Her age, her previous parters age, the very fact that she talked about sex with a previous partner to her current guy (we don't do that for no reason even if drunk), the stuff he says about her relationship with this other dude suggests it was a bit not right, the fact that she was drunk and this is the only time it's been mentioned (like if she'd tried it and just didn't like it she'd have just said so when it came up as something he wanted to try), the fact that she obviously cares a lot for OP but just completely shut down anal as an option.

 

Just seems like the best explanation. The OP's interpretation is clearly not right and there's definitely something more going on here.

 

I actually hope i'm wrong because the OP making it all about him is going to really screw with her head more.

 

She's with you dude, not him. She loves you. Anal sex or no anal sex is irrelevant.

[therhythm]

I don't know. I suppose fundamentally I don't see someone's refusal to do something for me or give something to me as an aggressive act of depriving me. It sounds as if they set out to do something negative to you on purpose while in fact they are just looking after themselves.

 

What I'm saying is that I don't have an issue with people drawing boundaries.

 

Neither do I ... I have issues with people drawing boundaries tailor made for me.. which is different

[Emilia]

Neither do I ... I have issues with people drawing boundaries tailor made for me.. which is different

boundaries are always tailor made though, they are different in each situation - which could be for or against your point of course

[therhythm]

boundaries are always tailor made though, they are different in each situation - which could be for or against your point of course

 

I keep agreeing with you... boundaries are built around situations and acts you want to avoid... if they are boundaries or not depending with whom the act is realized is not about the act anymore .... it is about the person

That is not a boundary it is just being a jerk with someone....

[Emilia]

I keep agreeing with you... boundaries are built around situations and acts you want to avoid... if they are boundaries or not depending with your the act is realized is not about the act anymore .... it is about the person

That is not a boundary it is just being a jerk with someone....

in your opinion

[therhythm]

in your opinion

 

Of course! In my humble opinion!

[Emilia]

Of course! In my humble opinion!

That's what I've been saying in the last 6 or so posts. Your views will not necessarily coincide with hers, not because she is a bitch (though she could be, we don't know) but because there is no right or wrong, no black or white. Just different. Different views, different boundaries. That doesn't make her a jerk

[therhythm]

That's what I've been saying in the last 6 or so posts. Your views will not necessarily coincide with hers, not because she is a bitch (though she could be, we don't know) but because there is no right or wrong, no black or white. Just different. Different views, different boundaries. That doesn't make her a jerk

 

I don't know how her views are about this because we have not been alble to convince OP to ask his girlfriend about her reasons but in this case I am talking to the OP... I feel sympathy for him and in my opinion his girlfriend is being a jerk with him, not only for volunteer unsolicited information but because after that she told him how she use to do something with another guy out of the blue she proceed to tun off OP for the same thing... and because she knows her boyfriend has a craving for a sexual act he has never tried before, if you love someone you would try something you have done before even if it is only once to give your boyfriend that peace of mind and experience therefore in my opinionhe should look for someone who has less tailor made boundaries

Edited July 4, 2013 by therhythm

[Jonno20]

To OP:

 

Since thread got long and relevant info is scattered throughout multitude posts on unknown pages nobody bothers to peruse, it would be good to have relevant info all in one place for all to know the context and not blindly guess.

 

Questions:

 

1. How did you find out your gf had anal sex with ex?

2. Was she pressured or coerced into it or did she actually enjoy it? If answers do not come directly from your GF, state who it is.

3. Have you thought a lot about having anal with her BEFORE you found out she had it?

 

1. She talked about having experiences with anal whilst drunk.

2. No she was not pressured she told me she found it pleasurable at the time but isn't interested in it now.

3. It's always been a fantasy and something I've always wanted to at least "try"

[USMCHokie]

2. No she was not pressured she told me she found it pleasurable at the time but isn't interested in it now.

 

Oh snap.

[Jonno20]

To OP:

 

Since thread got long and relevant info is scattered throughout multitude posts on unknown pages nobody bothers to peruse, it would be good to have relevant info all in one place for all to know the context and not blindly guess.

 

Questions:

 

1. How did you find out your gf had anal sex with ex?

2. Was she pressured or coerced into it or did she actually enjoy it? If answers do not come directly from your GF, state who it is.

3. Have you thought a lot about having anal with her BEFORE you found out she had it?

 

P.s at NO point did I ask her about her previous sexual history or boyfriends I really did NOT want to know but she told me stuff anyway, I found it weird she was with the older guy but I didn't ask about her sex life or anything like that...

[therhythm]

P.s at NO point did I ask her about her previous sexual history or boyfriends I really did NOT want to know but she told me stuff anyway, I found it weird she was with the older guy but I didn't ask about her sex life or anything like that...

 

Honestly.... till you don't man up and ask your girlfriend for her reasons to not want to do it with you... there is not much that anyone can add to this topic..

 

You already know what different people have told you... analyse everything well and choose your line of actions by yourself... people here has no investment in your relationship at all or are totally biased by their sex when giving advise so whatever decision you take make sure it is your decision and not anyone's else!

[Emilia]

P.s at NO point did I ask her about her previous sexual history or boyfriends I really did NOT want to know but she told me stuff anyway, I found it weird she was with the older guy but I didn't ask about her sex life or anything like that...

I've read to about page 4 so far.

 

Have you asked her yet why she is denying something for herself that she used to find so pleasurable?

[Got it]

Have you told her how much you want to try it and would she do it for you?

 

And have you asked why exactly she doesn't want to do it?

 

Did you tell her in the beginning how important anal was for you?

 

Did you tell her how important it is for you to either be the most experienced partner for your girlfriend or be completely in the dark about any previous history and that any new knowledge can cause a relationship decision for yourself?

 

 

 

All I have to say is I REALLY LOVE MY HUSBAND and his complete 180 view from some of the men here. God love him!

[therhythm]

Have you told her how much you want to try it and would she do it for you?

 

And have you asked why exactly she doesn't want to do it?

 

Did you tell her in the beginning how important anal was for you?

 

Did you tell her how important it is for you to either be the most experienced partner for your girlfriend or be completely in the dark about any previous history and that any new knowledge can cause a relationship decision for yourself?

 

 

 

All I have to say is I REALLY LOVE MY HUSBAND and his complete 180 view from some of the men here. God love him!

 

Yeah,... I love my dog too... he does what I ask him to do

 

So your hubby loves to hear how you enjoyed and experienced various acts with other guys and you are not willing to do them with him? That is 180 of what we are saying

Edited July 4, 2013 by therhythm

[Got it]

Yeah,... I love my dog too... he does what I ask him to do

 

So your hubby loves to hear how you enjoyed and experienced various acts with other guys and you are not willing to do it with him? That is 180 of what we are saying

 

My husband finds your line of thinking to be like the muscle head dudes at the fitness club. All testosterone and and less. . . .

 

Just like I don't care what my husband has done with other women, and we do share the experiences, the vice versa is true. We spend the time to discuss why we are or are not interested in repeating the act, and respect each others's thoughts and feelings on it.

 

Does I love to hear about it? Not always. I have jealousy moments but burying my head in the sand and pretend it never existed is asinine approach in my eyes. I don't think he is riveted on it but he wants to know all about me as well.

 

My husband had a lot of experience with anal but was completely cool that I wasn't interested. It was from this complete lack of pressure that allowed me to get used to the idea, discuss it with him and then over time change my mind. If there had ever been a hit of pressure or condescension that I would not "do for him what he deserves" my heels would have dug in.

 

Based on this line of thinking he should be outraged I gave my virginity to another guy and I refuse to give it to him! How dare I!?! I dare I have prior experiences that doesn't include his male ego. Darn me and my wicked ways.

 

Some people are long term material and some aren't.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Got it

[therhythm]

My husband finds your line of thinking to be like the muscle head dudes at the fitness club. All testosterone and and less. . . .

 

Just like I don't care what my husband has done with other women, and we do share the experiences, the vice versa is true. We spend the time to discuss why we are or are not interested in repeating the act, and respect each others's thoughts and feelings on it.

 

Does I love to hear about it? Not always. I have jealousy moments but burying my head in the sand and pretend it never existed is asinine approach in my eyes. I don't think he is riveted on it but he wants to know all about me as well.

 

My husband had a lot of experience with anal but was completely cool that I wasn't interested. It was from this complete lack of pressure that allowed me to get used to the idea, discuss it with him and then over time change my mind. If there had ever been a hit of pressure or condescension that I would not "do for him what he deserves" my heels would have dug in.

 

Based on this line of thinking he should be outraged I gave my virginity to another guy and I refuse to give it to him! How dare I!?! I dare I have prior experiences that doesn't include his male ego. Darn me and my wicked ways.

 

Some people are long term material and some aren't.

 

 

Yes... I guess I am a muscle head with little brain...my testosterone is the replacement of any sense of intelligence that I ever had...

 

Yet I advise OP to think very good about this... I would not want to be with a woman who feel not as comfortable or as trusting or as generous or as adventurous with me as she was with pass partners.

 

Often people accept this kind of situations for their lack of opportunities... I find it quite emasculating... and at the end of the day I prefer to be a testosterone idiot that a toy in the hands of my partner!

[USMCHokie]

My husband had a lot of experience with anal but was completely cool that I wasn't interested. It was from this complete lack of pressure that allowed me to get used to the idea, discuss it with him and then over time change my mind. If there had ever been a hit of pressure or condescension that I would not "do for him what he deserves" my heels would have dug in.

 

And this is exactly what we're talking about. You were willing to do it out of love, intimacy, and most importantly, trust in him. Without this love and trust, you would not have changed your mind. So doing a little bit of logic:

 

(1) You love and trust your husband; therefore, you changed your mind and did anal.

 

Now let's take the contrapositive, which is always true if the original premise is true:

 

(2) You don't change your mind and refuse to do anal; therefore, you do not love or trust your husband.

 

 

Changing your mind is a sign that you love your husband above all others and are willing to provide something that he desires. It has nothing to do with pressure or entitlement. OP, or anyone else here, does not assert that he's entitled to anal. He simply feels that if she loved and trusted him enough, she would have anal sex with him just like she did with her previous partners. Perhaps they need to date a while longer to establish this trust. But it seems she has established a hardline stance on it.

 

Therefore, the reasonable conclusion to be drawn is that she does not love and trust OP enough to do it with him.

[GoodOnPaper]

Yet I advise OP to think very good about this... I would not want to be with a woman who feel not as comfortable or as trusting or as generous or as adventurous with me as she was with pass partners.

 

Agree. Here's the shorthand notation for my thinking process -- I suspect a lot of guys think similarly:

 

more adventurous = less inhibited = greater attraction/trust

 

That said, it's not unreasonable for a greater amount of trust to build in a 5-year relationship vs. a 6-month one. This isn't a situation where a woman has only been doing missionary with her "nice" husband of 20 years while she did anything and everything with a bunch of ONS/FWB partners in her past.

[therhythm]

Agree. Here's the shorthand notation for my thinking process -- I suspect a lot of guys think similarly:

 

more adventurous = less inhibited = greater attraction/trust

 

That said, it's not unreasonable for a greater amount of trust to build in a 5-year relationship vs. a 6-month one. This isn't a situation where a woman has only been doing missionary with her "nice" husband of 20 years while she did anything and everything with a bunch of ONS/FWB partners in her past.

 

I almost fully agree with your post... The only thing I don't agree with is that I don't think connection and comfort with a person are totally related to the time you expend with that person.

My best relationships were with persons I connected from the first second like we were born to be together... (I still think we were born to be together with one of them ... just a pity she had to screw that up!).

 

more adventurous = less inhibited = greater attraction/trust exactly what I meant!

 

I would not have any problem if OP's girlfriend would have said she needed more time to try to do anal with him... but from OP's post I read that she just didn't wanted to go that way ...at all!

Edited July 4, 2013 by therhythm

[MissBee]

Me and my girlfriend have been together 6 months now and we were having a drink together when she revealed intimate details about her ex and her. I'd always maintained I wouldn't discuss my previous history as its disrespectful and in the past.

 

Anyway, she told me that she and her ex of 5 years used to have back door fun together, so I was a bit upset by that as we haven't tried that together and it's one of the last things I have yet to experience, so I brought up the subject asking if we could "try" that together sometime as I've never experienced it and she shot me down and said she's not interested in it anymore at all, so now I'm left knowing she would be more adventurous/intimate with her ex despite him cheating on her and by the sounds of it, not being as good a boyfriend as me!

 

I'm very hurt by this and almost feel "second best" her mum was talking the other day how one of her daughters favourite sexual endeavours is anal and I was in the room and felt really embarrassed as we haven't tried it together.

 

I feel sad about it how do I make myself feel better about the situation?

 

Thanks

 

Ahhh I know this isn't the major point but: you heard her MOM saying anal is her daughter's favorite sexual endeavor???? Ahhh...woww...that's very weird.

 

Anyway, I get how you feel. She shouldn't have brought it up, I see no reason to go into details about your sexual encounters with your ex to your current partner. I certainly would be uninterested in hearing the details about my SO's sex life with their ex. Have you told her you heard what her mom said? If she's not into anal anymore, she's just not though and I don't think you have a right to pressure he into it just because she did it before. Maybe later in the relationship she'll change her mind, but I do not think it will turn out well if you attempt to guilt her into it by saying things like "But you did it with HIM." I wouldn't look at it as her being more adventurous with him. She tried it before and if it wasn't her thing, she doesn't have to do it with you. She can be adventurous with other sexual things.

[TheGuard13]

I think, had this been something you discussed with her as wanting to do, regardless of whether she brought this up drunk or not...if she brought this up, I'd be upset as well. It was pretty insensitive on her part, and I'd be having a serious discussion with her about it.

 

Pay attention to how you're feeling, though. You were hurt. Unless it's just an ego thing, there's likely a reason for that. Regardless of what it means about her, you're obviously not that okay with the idea of being in a relationship where you will be denied anal sex. I think you definitely need to have a chat with her.

[SensitiveTJ]

OP, this is an interesting thread for me because I was once in the exact same situation. The girl I was dating at the time saw fit to inform me, totally unsolicited, about her anal experience with a previous lover. To make a long story short, I dropped her like a hot potato.

 

There are ten pages of text in this thread arguing about whether you could justly request the same from your girlfriend, but that's not really the point. My question to you is whether you are prepared to tolerate this kind of behavior. You apparently are dating someone incredibly stupid or completely callous to your feelings. Speaking to your current partner about your explicit sex life with someone else is unbelievably insulting, and I think you deserve better.

 

For me personally, my relationship was over as soon as the words came out her mouth. I can't stand on an altar, look into a woman's eyes, and marry her knowing she got rocked in the back door by some other dude. I just won't have that in my life.

[camillalev]

OP, this is an interesting thread for me because I was once in the exact same situation. The girl I was dating at the time saw fit to inform me, totally unsolicited, about her anal experience with a previous lover. To make a long story short, I dropped her like a hot potato.

 

There are ten pages of text in this thread arguing about whether you could justly request the same from your girlfriend, but that's not really the point. My question to you is whether you are prepared to tolerate this kind of behavior. You apparently are dating someone incredibly stupid or completely callous to your feelings. Speaking to your current partner about your explicit sex life with someone else is unbelievably insulting, and I think you deserve better.

 

For me personally, my relationship was over as soon as the words came out her mouth. I can't stand on an altar, look into a woman's eyes, and marry her knowing she got rocked in the back door by some other dude. I just won't have that in my life.

 

 

Generally, the consensus is, do you feel your girlfriend is an autonomous being, or something who owes you favors via her body.

 

"My question to you is whether you are prepared to tolerate this kind of behavior"

 

Are you willing to accept a woman who has had previous sexual experience through her former partners?

 

Women experiment, then learn through trial and error whether or not they like a sexual act. she tried anal and decided she ultimately didn't like it. Maybe she didnt like the aftermath, maybe she didnt like what it did to her body. end of story, she does not want to do it any more.

 

NONE of the posters have respected that. They all say, She did it once, she should do it again. with me. PERIOD. If she doesn't IT'S NOT LOVE.

 

Funny thing is, none of the other posters have factored in the fact that she was an 18 year old girl.. seriously just a child, who was with(and probably taken advantage of) a nearly 40 year old divorced man.

 

its honestly kind of sad to read some of these responses.