camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 At the end of the day... say he goes and asks for it, and tells her how he feels that this is a deal-breaker for him... and she gives in. Do you realize what that's going to mean? Her feelings on it probably won't change at all. She will simply force herself to do it because she loves him and doesn't want him to leave. There is more to human interaction than black and white. The above scenario sounds an awful lot like using her love for him to get her to do something she doesn't want to do. You may not call it forcing her, but I do. Jesus, I try to put myself in his position, and it just doesn't compute in my mind. If there was a sexual act that was a deal-breaker for me, and my man agreed to do it only for my sake, I would NEVER be able to actually enjoy it, knowing that he's just doing it for me. He might enjoy seeing me enjoy it, but that's simply not good enough to me... he needs to derive sexual satisfaction from it too, in order for me to be fully able to enjoy it also. Therefore, if he said "no, I don't want to do X", I would try to understand why not... but if ultimately he just doesn't want to, then that's that. I'll do without because my relationship with him matters more than that one single sexual act. This is why I just don't get the OP's mindset. He would rather have his GF force herself to do something she doesn't want for his sake. To me, that shows very clearly where his priorities lie. That does sound very slimy.. manipulative :sick: Hopefullly the op isnt more obsessed with curing his own retroactive jealous and 'getting' something(anal) from her, rather than just sharing new experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I do understand your point. I really do. Like I said, I just don't really want to argue with you, since it has proven fruitless already. I simplified the issue to "give me anal or else" because that's basically what the issue boils down to for him. He has stated that he's going to ask for it, and if she says no, then that's that. That position seems hard-headed and uncaring to me. At the end of the day... say he goes and asks for it, and tells her how he feels that this is a deal-breaker for him... and she gives in. Do you realize what that's going to mean? Her feelings on it probably won't change at all. She will simply force herself to do it because she loves him and doesn't want him to leave. There is more to human interaction than black and white. The above scenario sounds an awful lot like using her love for him to get her to do something she doesn't want to do. You may not call it forcing her, but I do. I wouldn't say that there's a middle ground here, at this point. She has stated how she feels about it. He can either accept it, or leave her. Jesus, I try to put myself in his position, and it just doesn't compute in my mind. If there was a sexual act that was a deal-breaker for me, and my man agreed to do it only for my sake, I would NEVER be able to actually enjoy it, knowing that he's just doing it for me. He might enjoy seeing me enjoy it, but that's simply not good enough to me... he needs to derive sexual satisfaction from it too, in order for me to be fully able to enjoy it also. Therefore, if he said "no, I don't want to do X", I would try to understand why not... but if ultimately he just doesn't want to, then that's that. I'll do without because my relationship with him matters more than that one single sexual act. This is why I just don't get the OP's mindset. He would rather have his GF force herself to do something she doesn't want for his sake. To me, that shows very clearly where his priorities lie. Yes, discussing with me has been fruitless because I have not agreed with you... if you look at it from the reverse side discussing with you have been fruitless too as you have not changed your mind either I understand your point of view too, I also would not want to have my girlfriend doing something with me that she doesn't want or will enjoy... I would though wonder why would she not want to do it or would not enjoy it with me if she used to enjoy it with someone else... As I have said many times for me the issue has nothing to do with anal or not ... is about the logic behind her denial to do something she has said she enjoyed ... but just not with OP...:confused: When you enjoyed something in the past... if there is not a physical impediment, why would you deny that same thing to the person you claim to love ?? I agree with you that she has said how she feels about this act but if I would be OP I would want to know the "why" of that change of approach... if I feel it is something that has to do with me I will be gone! Anyway this is OP thread, if you don't get his mindset then just let him be, he is the one asking for advise not his girlfriend and most of what he is getting is just harsh judgment and passive aggressive insults.. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Yes, discussing with me has been fruitless because I have not agreed with you... if you look at it from the reverse side discussing with you have been fruitless too as you have not changed your mind either I understand your point of view too, I also would not want to have my girlfriend doing something with me that she doesn't want or will enjoy... I would though wonder why would she not want to do it or would not enjoy it with me if she used to enjoy it with someone else... As I have said many times for me the issue has nothing to do with anal or not ... is about the logic behind her denial to do something she has said she enjoyed ... but just not with OP...:confused: When you enjoyed something in the past... if there is not a physical impediment, why would you deny that same thing to the person you claim to love ?? I agree with you that she has said how she feels about this act but if I would be OP I would want to know the "why" of that change of approach... if I feel it is something that has to do with me I will be gone! Anyway this is OP thread, if you don't get his mindset then just let him be, he is the one asking for advise not his girlfriend and most of what he is getting is just harsh judgment and passive aggressive insults.. This is the part you're not getting: People and their sexual preferences change over time!! I lost my virginity at 15... I am 29 now. I can tell you that the things I enjoyed back then are VASTLY different from what I enjoy now. Some I don't do anymore, others I love now when before did not appeal to me. Those changes have had NOTHING to do with my partners. To you, it's black and white. If she doesn't want to do it anymore, it must mean it's a problem with you, so you dump her. You don't accept that it could be an unrelated reason, one which she might not even be able to verbalize other than "I simply don't feel like it". I guess I misspoke. I do "get" his mindset. I just think it's self-centered and inappropriate behavior in a relationship where LOVE is the main driving force. The OP wanted advice. Often, the best advice one can be given is by someone who does NOT share our perspective. Both you, and I, and many others, have been trying to provide different perspectives... and they're all valuable. Or, perhaps, all he really wanted was validation to feel less guilty for dumping his girlfriend over her not providing anal sex. If that's the case, then please carry on.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Again you are making a mistake by measuring the importance of the issue using your own standards rather than OP's. For OP it is a huge issue that his girlfriend would be more willing to trust and experiment things than with him, and it is his deal breaker... not the anal itself. How is trust built? If a guy were to say 'we are breaking up because you don't trust me enough to have anal with me' I would have to laugh. Trust isnt built that way. Its built over time, when mutual respect has been well established, and you both only want the best for the other. Their 6 months vs her previous relationships 5 years. No contest. Of course she felt more comfortable with the other guy - half a decade under that belt. Also, the op hasnt stated whether shes just not adventurous or willing to be sexually adventurous in general - the only sex act hes mentioned is anal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 This is the part you're not getting: People and their sexual preferences change over time!! I lost my virginity at 15... I am 29 now. I can tell you that the things I enjoyed back then are VASTLY different from what I enjoy now. Some I don't do anymore, others I love now when before did not appeal to me. Those changes have had NOTHING to do with my partners. To you, it's black and white. If she doesn't want to do it anymore, it must mean it's a problem with you, so you dump her. You don't accept that it could be an unrelated reason, one which she might not even be able to verbalize other than "I simply don't feel like it". I guess I misspoke. I do "get" his mindset. I just think it's self-centered and inappropriate behavior in a relationship where LOVE is the main driving force. The OP wanted advice. Often, the best advice one can be given is by someone who does NOT share our perspective. Both you, and I, and many others, have been trying to provide different perspectives... and they're all valuable. Or, perhaps, all he really wanted was validation to feel less guilty for dumping his girlfriend over her not providing anal sex. If that's the case, then please carry on.... Ohh I do think all perspectives when giving advise are valid as long as they are not dressed as judgment or passive aggressive insults (I hope she will dump you, you don't deserve her, how do you dare to ask that, you are insecure, etc). That are not perspectives are plain uncalled for judgments. And not, for me is not acceptable that a person just tell me I don't feel like it... if is something you really hate it could have never been enjoyable, I don't believe that. I am 30 years old and I have done many things sexually I don't even like (my story is very different that most of the people) but I would not sit in my horse and tell my girlfriend how I enjoyed x but since I have changed my mind I don't care if she really would like to try it... I don't .... is that not self centered? Why not just give it a try if it is so important for the person you love and is nothing you have not done yet... If my girlfriend would want to try something I would always give it a try, even when I tried before and I didn't like it... It may happen that I actually like it with her... Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 How is trust built? If a guy were to say 'we are breaking up because you don't trust me enough to have anal with me' I would have to laugh. Trust isnt built that way. Its built over time, when mutual respect has been well established, and you both only want the best for the other. Their 6 months vs her previous relationships 5 years. No contest. Of course she felt more comfortable with the other guy - half a decade under that belt. Also, the op hasnt stated whether shes just not adventurous or willing to be sexually adventurous in general - the only sex act hes mentioned is anal. It doesn't work that way with me. If you are my girlfriend you have my 100% trust from the very beginning... If you don't proof me wrong I don't have any reason to distrust you. Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I guess I misspoke. I do "get" his mindset. I just think it's self-centered and inappropriate behavior in a relationship where LOVE is the main driving force. Agree. My sexual preferences have changed as well - I would not be turned on by some of the stuff I did when I was 18. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 It doesn't work that way with me. If you are my girlfriend you have my 100% trust from the very beginning... If you don't proof me wrong I don't have any reason to distrust you. Really! You must be an exceedingly trusting person! You would date a girl and as soon as shes given the 'girlfriend' title youd give her the keys to your house, passwords to your email, etc? Most women and many men will agree they prefer trust and intimacy to develop over time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Agree. My sexual preferences have changed as well - I would not be turned on by some of the stuff I did when I was 18. Great for you and for Arabella... I am sure you both have husbands or boyfriends who are ok with that... I don't have any issue with it either, it is your life...but it doesn't add anything to this as for OP it is a problem... And here we are again... I do think he is totally allowed to feel that is a problem and act on it! Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Really! You must be an exceedingly trusting person! You would date a girl and as soon as shes given the 'girlfriend' title youd give her the keys to your house, passwords to your email, etc? Most women and many men will agree they prefer trust and intimacy to develop over time. I wouldn't have any problem with a girlfriend of mine (it is not that easy to get that status) to get my keys if she would want them. I never give my passwords, I trust blindly and I ask the same in return, when it comes to trust you either trust or you don't... if you don't then why are you in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Great for you and for Arabella... I am sure you both have husbands or boyfriends who are ok with that... I don't have any issue with it either, it is your life...but it doesn't add anything to this as for OP it is a problem... And here we are again... I do think he is totally allowed to feel that is a problem and act on it! Honestly rhythm, do you believe it's a healthy attitude to want something just because someone else has it? Not only for this, but in general? Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Honestly rhythm, do you believe it's a healthy attitude to want something just because someone else has it? Not only for this, but in general? I don't think it has anything to do with that... it is not about the subject itself... it is about the attitude of someone you expect to go above and beyond for you telling you that there is something other guys could get but you can't! It is not wanting the particular item or act , is about the reading that comes from it when that comes from the person you love. How would you feel if you hear that your boyfriend/husband used to buy to his ex a diamond in her birthday and now in your birthday you get a zirconite? Is more he tells you that he used to buy a diamond every birthday to his ex girlfriend so you always wanted to have a diamond and you never had one so you ask him... will I get one too? He says... no you won't! It is not about the fact that you want the diamond... it is about the comparative between your zirconite with the diamond from someone you expected to loved you above anyone else ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Also, wanting to share a beautiful, well rounded, adventurous sexual life in general isnt why the OP came here. He posted because he found out about his gfs previous anal experience(which she should not have told him about, her bad) with her ex and now he's retroactively jealous wants in. that's it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 And not, for me is not acceptable that a person just tell me I don't feel like it... if is something you really hate it could have never been enjoyable, I don't believe that. And this is why I feel arguing with you is pointless. You don't accept the basic premise that our argument is built on, even though it's just factual information. Other women have confirmed it's possible, so why do you try to deny it? People's sexual preferences change overtime, and often it has nothing to do with their partners. FACT. You don't have to accept it for it to be true... it simply IS. Now, once we've accepted that, it's much easier to understand how the OP's girlfriend simply doesn't want to do anal sex, and it has nothing to do with him. I am 30 years old and I have done many things sexually I don't even like (my story is very different that most of the people) but I would not sit in my horse and tell my girlfriend how I enjoyed x but since I have changed my mind I don't care if she really would like to try it... I don't .... is that not self centered? That makes her tactless, NOT self-centered. Different issue. What you're essentially saying is she should force herself to do a sexual act she doesn't want to do, out of love, so he can get his rocks off. Otherwise, she's self-centered. Lol, ok... And that, my friend, is exactly the manipulation I was talking about. If she has low self-steem, she may do it for fear of losing him, but that won't make her enjoy it! Why not just give it a try if it is so important for the person you love and is nothing you have not done yet... If my girlfriend would want to try something I would always give it a try, even when I tried before and I didn't like it... It may happen that I actually like it with her... Sure, that's a reasonable enough stance if it's something that she's just "blah" about. But we don't know what her actual level of dislike is now, given that the OP hasn't actually communicated with her about this. If she just hates the notion of anal sex now, then what? Should she still do it just for his sake? Moreover, how could he possibly let her go through with it, even if she agreed, knowing how she feels about it? I would feel REPULSED with myself for making someone I love do something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Also, wanting to share a beautiful, well rounded, adventurous sexual life in general isnt why the OP came here. He posted because he found out about his gfs previous anal experience(which she should not have told him about, her bad) with her ex and now he's retroactively jealous wants in. that's it. Whatever his reasons are... he is the one asking for advise and not his girlfriend... I am getting out of here... OP if your girlfriend doesn't have any physical impediment to have anal with you then you are totally entitled to find that a dealbreaker and move on. As you can see most of the people here have made the same changes of mind than your girlfriend and they feel somehow judged by your decision and are totally in a defensive stand. As I said... it is your life, after this thread is over you will still have to live with the decision you are going to make so think very well what you are going to do and what will be the consequences of that decision. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 And this is why I feel arguing with you is pointless. You don't accept the basic premise that our argument is built on, even though it's just factual information. Other women have confirmed it's possible, so why do you try to deny it? People's sexual preferences change overtime, and often it has nothing to do with their partners. FACT. You don't have to accept it for it to be true... it simply IS. Now, once we've accepted that, it's much easier to understand how the OP's girlfriend simply doesn't want to do anal sex, and it has nothing to do with him. That makes her tactless, NOT self-centered. Different issue. What you're essentially saying is she should force herself to do a sexual act she doesn't want to do, out of love, so he can get his rocks off. Otherwise, she's self-centered. Lol, ok... And that, my friend, is exactly the manipulation I was talking about. If she has low self-steem, she may do it for fear of losing him, but that won't make her enjoy it! Sure, that's a reasonable enough stance if it's something that she's just "blah" about. But we don't know what her actual level of dislike is now, given that the OP hasn't actually communicated with her about this. If she just hates the notion of anal sex now, then what? Should she still do it just for his sake? Moreover, how could he possibly let her go through with it, even if she agreed, knowing how she feels about it? I would feel REPULSED with myself for making someone I love do something like that. I would not let her go over with it... but I would like to know that she was willing to go ahead with it ... that knowledge would be sufficient for me Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I don't think it has anything to do with that... it is not about the subject itself... it is about the attitude of someone you expect to go above and beyond for you telling you that there is something other guys could get but you can't! It is not wanting the particular item or act , is about the reading that comes from it when that comes from the person you love. How would you feel if you hear that your boyfriend/husband used to buy to his ex a diamond in her birthday and now in your birthday you get a zirconite? Is more he tells you that he used to buy a diamond every birthday to his ex girlfriend so you always wanted to have a diamond and you never had one so you ask him... will I get one too? He says... no you won't! It is not about the fact that you want the diamond... it is about the comparative between your zirconite with the diamond from someone you expected to loved you above anyone else ... Childish way of thinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I would not let her go over with it... but I would like to know that she was willing to go ahead with it ... that knowledge would be sufficient for me If she agreed to do it, even though she doesn't want to, all it means is that she's letting you force her into it! After all, she had already stated she didn't want to! So, it was just about "winning" and imposing your will, and getting the same as the other guy did. Wow, now I'm just all-around disgusted. I'm done responding to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Childish way of thinking. Yes... your post is really mature! Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 If she agreed to do it, even though she doesn't want to, all it means is that she's letting you force her into it! After all, she had already stated she didn't want to! So, it was just about "winning" and imposing your will, and getting the same as the other guy did. Wow, now I'm just all-around disgusted. I'm done responding to you. There ya go, it has nothing to do with sharing a great experience that two people enjoy, just about getting your own way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Yes... your post is really mature! Sorry, never really been a 'they have it so i want it too, give it to me' thinker! Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 If she agreed to do it, even though she doesn't want to, all it means is that she's letting you force her into it! After all, she had already stated she didn't want to! So, it was just about "winning" and imposing your will, and getting the same as the other guy did. Wow, now I'm just all-around disgusted. I'm done responding to you. I thought it was clear from the very beginning... it was all about her willingness to go as far with me as she has gone with anyone else... yes.. You may stop answering to me as soon as you want... there is a great button in LS called ignore... you are all welcome to use it as well Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I thought it was clear from the very beginning... it was all about her willingness to go as far with me as she has gone with anyone else... yes.. Regardless of whether or not she enjoys it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Regardless of whether or not she enjoys it. PRECISELY! Oh gosh, my blood pressure. Someone get me a doctor now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Sorry, never really been a 'they have it so i want it too, give it to me' thinker! I have never been a "I have tried already so if you want to screw you" thinker either... I have explained you various times already that it is not about the act itself... it is about attitude in the person that you love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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