Feeling hurt by girlfriends revelations

[Got it]

It couldn't have been so bad as she went back to this person a couple of times for over a year after they broke up so I don't know what the deal is really :-/.

 

Then ask!!!! The fear of the unknown is far worse. Who knows if when she went back that was still on the menu, who knows if it was because he was smaller/slimmer in size so easier that way, etc. Anal is not the best for a women if the guy is hung with a tree trunk so you could actually be bigger than she wants to put back there. I know THAT would suck to learn.

 

There are 100 different explanations that are possible but you don't know unless you ask. You are tearing yourself up on this, you are contemplating on ending the relationship and just throwing yourself a major pity party based on inconclusive and incomplete information. You are in an adult relationship, step up to the plate, swallow the fear, and start talking. Learning the full complete truth is no way more awful than what is going through your head.

[Got it]

Boundaries should be a barrier only if you had them consistently... No one likes to know your girlfriend used to be wilder or more permissive with other guys, the least she should do is at least try it with OP, if she doesn't like it then she can say she tried and it didn't work... but just reject it this way is nonsense and telling OP about it when he didn't ask and then reject the act with him is just disrespectful...

 

OP seriously, this woman is playing games with you... move on, there are plenty of open minded women who would want to be adventurous with you in sex and who would not make you feel less than anyone else!

 

And how do you know it is a barrier unless you experience it? This is completely asinine advice and assumption. You know many men know that once they are middle age they are going to find women that were younger in their earlier years. These men are confident in themselves that they don't throw the baby out with the bathwater because their ego is so fragile.

[Got it]

I agree that is her body and her boundaries but it is a relationship of two persons...

If she has strong reasons not to do anal she has failed to unveil them... but she volunteer that she had anal sex with previous guys and that she was not willing to do it with him...

If OP feels down about this precise matter is in his right to move on and look for someone whom will not have to see how the boundaries are stronger for him that they were for other people

If I am not the most adventurous and wild sex my girlfriend ever had then it is a deal breaker for me and you will find that it is a very common deal breaker for men.

 

I would like to see how people would see this if OP would have been in holidays around the world with his ex but since he is tired of traveling now he just want to stay home even when his girlfriend has never traveled and is craving to see the world....

 

My ex husband, whom I was with since high school, while we were together/married, never drank, never liked to go out, wasn't in shape, and didn't want to do much.

 

Now he is does all of these things with his current wife. Big freaking deal. I am happy for him as he seems to be very happy. While it would have been nice if he did it with me, I respect that he didn't want to. I am happy if he is happy.

 

It's called maturity.

[Got it]

So anal can cause physical damage? I didn't know that :-/ if it did then te guy is a real scumbag, he was much older to, she was only 18 at the time and he is 21 years older then her so maybe she felt she had to impress him?

 

Jonno, if you are really interested in anal you need to research it. It is not like in porn where you just stick it in. There is a lot of prep work that should be done and yes the receiver can be injured.

 

This is definitely one area where it takes a lot of gall from the giver to get upset with the receiver. There is a lot to handle with anal and unless you are willing to catch as well as throw better fully understand what you are asking of the other person.

 

I think every man who wants to have anal should be open, willing, and interested and in experience the receiving end as well. It is very pleasurable moreso for a man since you have a prostate and women don't and should know all the ends and outs.

 

So OP - are you willing to learn all areas of anal? Are you open to a dildo?

[therhythm]

My ex husband, whom I was with since high school, while we were together/married, never drank, never liked to go out, wasn't in shape, and didn't want to do much.

 

Now he is does all of these things with his current wife. Big freaking deal. I am happy for him as he seems to be very happy. While it would have been nice if he did it with me, I respect that he didn't want to. I am happy if he is happy.

 

It's called maturity.

 

Don't compare please... it is your ex!

 

I am not an insecure person... you know little from me and that is fine.

There are few things that I would consider a deal breaker when I like a woman but what OP has done is one! If you love a person above anyone else you would not deprive that person of things you didn't mind to do with someone else... At least you would try with that person... but that is the meaning of love for me... Generosity and giving yourself totally to the other person... If I knew my partner use to do things she deprive me for (moreover as OP who craves for anal and has never done it) I will just realize she just don't love me enough or at least not in the same way she did to the other guy...

 

I am not jealous, I can watch the person I love having sex with another guy without winkle but this is disgusting!

[Got it]

There are both sexual acts ... but I guess that touch a nerve...

 

Have you been on the receiving end of anal? Are you open and experience first hand what it likes to catch? I think that is only fair and really the only way you can argue this point.

 

If not you have a lot of gall.

[therhythm]

Have you been on the receiving end of anal? Are you open and experience first hand what it likes to catch? I think that is only fair and really the only way you can argue this point.

 

If not you have a lot of gall.

 

Yes, I have been in the receiving end of an strap-on so I know what you are talking about

[Got it]

Don't compare please... it is your ex!

 

I am not an insecure person... you know little from me and that is fine.

There are few things that I would consider a deal breaker when I like a woman but what OP has done is one! If you love a person above anyone else you would not deprive that person of things you didn't mind to do with someone else... At least you would try with that person... but that is the meaning of love for me... Generosity and giving yourself totally to the other person... If I knew my partner use to do things she deprive me for (moreover as OP who craves for anal and has never done it) I will just realize she just don't love me enough or at least not in the same way she did to the other guy...

 

I am not jealous, I can watch the person I love having sex with another guy without winkle but this is disgusting!

 

And if you love someone you don't ask them to do things they don't want to do.

 

And the ex comparison is valid, even if you don't agree.

[USMCHokie]

My ex husband, whom I was with since high school, while we were together/married, never drank, never liked to go out, wasn't in shape, and didn't want to do much.

 

Now he is does all of these things with his current wife. Big freaking deal. I am happy for him as he seems to be very happy. While it would have been nice if he did it with me, I respect that he didn't want to. I am happy if he is happy.

 

It's called maturity.

 

Or desperation...?

 

Lack of self-esteem or self-respect to accept a partner who did not care about himself or about you?

[Got it]

Yes, I have been in the receiving end of an strap-on so I know what you are talking about

 

Great. Then you should school the OP on that piece of things and have him offer that up. I think the double standard is done a lot and a lot of men will push a women to have anal and refuse to experience it themselves.

 

But all of this is based on not even a full conversation. Why not actually deep dive what the girlfriend means and meant before say, she is unfair, mean, and should be left immediately.

 

If one feels that anal, or anything, is a must have and a deal breaker if not given, performed, or done, then they need to state that up front in the beginning and not wing it out after the relationship is established. That is unfair.

[Got it]

Or desperation...?

 

Lack of self-esteem or self-respect to accept a partner who did not care about himself or about you?

 

What?

 

Because someone doesn't want to drink???

 

Or because one is happy for another?

[therhythm]

And if you love someone you don't ask them to do things they don't want to do.

 

And the ex comparison is valid, even if you don't agree.

 

That is the problem that she doesn't like it with OP but previously she loved , even I have my limits in sex... but they are my limits for everyone!

 

And not, you don't have any claim on your ex... he is your ex... op is in a relationship with this person and therefore he can accept this or not.. big difference!

[USMCHokie]

And if you love someone you don't ask them to do things they don't want to do.

 

Eh, this is no different from saying that if you love someone, you'll do anything for them.

 

I guess the happy medium is a place called compromise, which I presume is a foreign concept to many a relationship.

[Got it]

That is the problem that she doesn't like it with OP but previously she loved , even I have my limits in sex... but they are my limits for everyone!

 

And not, you don't have any claim on your ex... he is your ex... op is in a relationship with this person and therefore he can accept this or not.. big difference!

 

Again, if anal was that important, or if the premise that one's significant partner could never have been more sexual adventurous with someone else than they are with you, that premise should be stated clearly and firmly in the beginning of the dating so the other party can decide if they agree to the terms or not.

 

Who are you (general you) to throw that out midway like it is a cold hard, universal fact?

[Got it]

Eh, this is no different from saying that if you love someone, you'll do anything for them.

 

I guess the happy medium is a place called compromise, which I presume is a foreign concept to many a relationship.

 

I agree. And compromise takes communication. Which is what I have been telling the OP he needs to do so he can make a well informed and educated decision. For god's sake this could be all to do about nothing once he levels with his girlfriend. They may actually come to a better understanding about each other and achieve a deeper level of intimacy because of it.

 

Crazy idea.

[USMCHokie]

What?

 

Because someone doesn't want to drink???

 

Or because one is happy for another?

 

No, I was speaking more towards your tolerance for it in your past marriage.

 

Never mind.

[USMCHokie]

Again, if anal was that important, or if the premise that one's significant partner could never have been more sexual adventurous with someone else than they are with you, that premise should be stated clearly and firmly in the beginning of the dating so the other party can decide if they agree to the terms or not.

 

And this is why, gentlemen, your first time with a lady should always be in her butt.

[Got it]

No, I was speaking more towards your tolerance for it in your past marriage.

 

Never mind.

 

Because it was the way it always was from when we were 17.

 

There is the saying that a woman marries a man hoping he will change and a man marries a women hoping she will never change.

 

He was who he was, what right did I have to ask him to change? Either accept or leave. Those areas were not deal breakers for me.

[therhythm]

Again, if anal was that important, or if the premise that one's significant partner could never have been more sexual adventurous with someone else than they are with you, that premise should be stated clearly and firmly in the beginning of the dating so the other party can decide if they agree to the terms or not.

 

Who are you (general you) to throw that out midway like it is a cold hard, universal fact?

 

I don't throw anything as a cold hard universal fact... I just give my impression of it, my point of view... which is far from being a fact... OP is the ultimate responsible of which advise (if any) he will follow as it is his relationship the one we are talking about...

This has never happened to me... it wouldn't ... so the only thing I can do is try to sit in his place and give him an "I would do...." and then sit in my ass and see what he does.

My advise is not better nor worse than yours... is just my advise

[Got it]

I don't throw anything as a cold hard universal fact... I just give my impression of it, my point of view... which is far from being a fact... OP is the ultimate responsible of which advise (if any) he will follow as it is his relationship the one we are talking about...

This has never happened to me... it wouldn't ... so the only thing I can do is try to sit in his place and give him an "I would do...." and then sit in my ass and see what he does.

My advise is not better nor worse than yours... is just my advise

 

I stated "general you" so what I posted wasn't about you personally. It was actually geared to the OP and to the general public.

 

Don't be so sensitive.

[Jonno20]

Those of you who have done anal sex, does it in fact cause damage?

[USMCHokie]

Because it was the way it always was from when we were 17.

 

There is the saying that a woman marries a man hoping he will change and a man marries a women hoping she will never change.

 

He was who he was, what right did I have to ask him to change? Either accept or leave. Those areas were not deal breakers for me.

 

And here's where the idea of compromise comes into play. I think people in a relationship have every right to express their grievances or ask the other person to "change." So you would rather keep silent on something that was bothering you and either deal with it or leave without a trace? That just sounds too self-disrespecting...

[therhythm]

Those of you who have done anal sex, does it in fact cause damage?

 

Man... it can cause damage, is more once it does cause damage a woman can have strong pain if she try it...

Anyhow why don't you just ask her.? Are you so afraid to hear the truth?

[Got it]

Those of you who have done anal sex, does it in fact cause damage?

 

Yes it can. Has it? No but I am married to a man who has prior experience plus I bought and made him read many books about it with me so we were set up for success.

 

But there are times that it does hurt and so we stop doing it. It really depends on mental state, position, excitement, whether we are also using "big red", etc.

 

Educate yourself. There are some great books out there on it. It is a great thing to read together and start playing with toys.

 

Talk to her, maybe she is willing to try toys, beads, etc. Find out why she isn't interested in it. We can't give you her answers, only she can do that.

[USMCHokie]

Anyway, she told me that she and her ex of 5 years used to have back door fun together, so I was a bit upset by that as we haven't tried that together and it's one of the last things I have yet to experience, so I brought up the subject asking if we could "try" that together sometime as I've never experienced it and she shot me down and said she's not interested in it anymore at all...

 

One thing that needs clarification is whether her prior experience was a one-time thing that she realized she didn't enjoy doing or was a common occurrence where she let her ex do as he pleased with her body. If it was the latter, then she could give any explanation reason or explanation she wanted, but I'd be out the door in a heartbeat, no questions asked. So there's not even a need for her to give an explanation.

 

It just reflects that she doesn't trust OP as much as she did her ex and never will.