Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 The "other girl" equates to breaking up with current GF to find someone else who is interested in buttsecks. It didn't refer to anyone in particular. What I mean is that I thought you introduced a straw man anyway, why I am debating on a thread I have no interest in I have no idea sorry, carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 so you are in fact competing I'm not being mean or anything I'm just aware of what testosterone does to men If you want to put it this way... maybe I am but are we not all (not just men) doing that in a sense? What would you think if your boyfriend bought a big diamond to his ex girlfriend in her birthday and he would bring you just a fake zirconite ear rings? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 If you want to put it this way... maybe I am but are we not all (not just men) doing that in a sense? What would you think if your boyfriend bought a big diamond to his ex girlfriend in her birthday and he would bring you just a fake zirconite ear rings? He/she doesn't love me as much and/or may never love me as much. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 If you want to put it this way... maybe I am but are we not all (not just men) doing that in a sense? What would you think if your boyfriend bought a big diamond to his ex girlfriend in her birthday and he would bring you just a fake zirconite ear rings? Now this is interesting. This kind of thinking is so alien to me that I don't even know how to explain why I would never end up in this situation I value the way I connect with someone on an individual basis. I have absolutely no idea what gifts or whatever men have boughts for exes or the exact nature of previous relationships. I can tell you hand on heart that I never compare which is why I don't get this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 I value the way I connect with someone on an individual basis. I have absolutely no idea what gifts or whatever men have boughts for exes or the exact nature of previous relationships. I can tell you hand on heart that I never compare which is why I don't get this thread. So rather than go the "comparison" route to de-legitimize OP's concern, you could simply look at it on its face. He wants buttsecks and she doesn't. At the end of the day, does the reason (her ex) even matter? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 So rather than go the "comparison" route to de-legitimize OP's concern, you could simply look at it on its face. He wants buttsecks and she doesn't. At the end of the day, does the reason (her ex) even matter? No, I wouldn't even ask the question or start a thread like this, it just screams of insecurity. If there is no compatibility, move on. Simple. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Now this is interesting. This kind of thinking is so alien to me that I don't even know how to explain why I would never end up in this situation I value the way I connect with someone on an individual basis. I have absolutely no idea what gifts or whatever men have boughts for exes or the exact nature of previous relationships. I can tell you hand on heart that I never compare which is why I don't get this thread. That is a nice trait from you then! Most humans do compare, we do it every day... at work, or just walking in the streets... To measure your success you need to be able to compare it. I understand that for you as long as your boyfriend loves you it is not important how he loved someone else... it is great that you can feel that way and very safe. I believe you, I know more people who feel like you. Other people (I include myself in this group) to be able to settle with someone need to have the absolute certainty that she loves me above anything and anyone else... I will never settle in love to be second one... and yes that is a very competitive assert... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Other people (I include myself in this group) to be able to settle with someone need to have the absolute certainty that she loves me above anything and anyone else... I will never settle in love to be second one... and yes that is a very competitive assert... What you are asking for is that the person loves the same way as they loved their previous. If they loved them so much to start with, how come they aren't together anymore? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 What you are asking for is that the person loves the same way as they loved their previous. If they loved them so much to start with, how come they aren't together anymore? You can love someone very much and not be compatible with that person... I have experienced that in my own... I have not been able to find a person I can love as much as I loved my ex.. But not... I don't want to be loved as they loved their previous lovers... I want to be loved more and above than anyone else... not just the same 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 You can love someone very much and not be compatible with that person... I have experienced that in my own... I have not been able to find a person I can love as much as I loved my ex.. But not... I don't want to be loved as they loved their previous lovers... I want to be loved more and above than anyone else... not just the same but you are asking them to be with you exactly the same way that didn't work before. Maybe acts of service isn't her thing after all? Maybe that's what she was doing by providing anal and she realised it wasn't what she could sustain long term because she prefers to show her love differently after all? I think comparing limits the relationship too much. I prefer to grow and to have my partner to grow with me. Comparisons to me are meaningless for this reason. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 What you are asking for is that the person loves the same way as they loved their previous. If they loved them so much to start with, how come they aren't together anymore? If you view love on a graph, what we're looking for is max amplitude, or the degree or potential degree that one can or is willing to love another. Whether that value is sustained with previous partners is not particularly important. If the most she ever loved someone is a 7, and she loves him at a 3, how should he feel? That her love is half-assed? She doesn't care as much for him? She's settling? What rhythm is saying is that love should move linearly (or exponentially) in an upward fashion for the entirety of a relationship. It shouldn't stay in a horizontal line, and it certainly shouldn't have a negative slope. And the love line he wants with a woman should surpass any previous lines that she has had with other people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 but you are asking them to be with you exactly the same way that didn't work before. Maybe acts of service isn't her thing after all? Maybe that's what she was doing by providing anal and she realised it wasn't what she could sustain long term because she prefers to show her love differently after all? I think comparing limits the relationship too much. I prefer to grow and to have my partner to grow with me. Comparisons to me are meaningless for this reason. The key word the is maybe... the fact that she wouldn't even want to try with me is enough information.... If she felt comfortable enough or she trusted or desired enough other guy to try that act but she is not willing to go the same way with me... is over! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 If you view love on a graph, what we're looking for is max amplitude, or the degree or potential degree that one can or is willing to love another. Whether that value is sustained with previous partners is not particularly important. If the most she ever loved someone is a 7, and she loves him at a 3, how should he feel? That her love is half-assed? She doesn't care as much for him? She's settling? What rhythm is saying is that love should move linearly (or exponentially) in an upward fashion for the entirety of a relationship. It shouldn't stay in a horizontal line, and it certainly shouldn't have a negative slope. I think my post to him above yours is relevant to this. Though I do feel we are going slightly too abstract on this as per usual I understand the worry about settling. However, you would need more information to work that out than what the OP has provided (not that I've thread through beyond the first page). Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 The key word the is maybe... the fact that she wouldn't even want to try with me is enough information.... If she felt comfortable enough or she trusted or desired enough other guy to try that act but she is not willing to go the same way with me... is over! I fear we don't (or I feel I don't) have enough info to go beyond this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 I think my post to him above yours is relevant to this. Though I do feel we are going slightly too abstract on this as per usual The love languages are wholly relevant to this. You're suggesting that OP will never feel loved the way he wants to be loved (through acts of service) because his GF is incapable of or simply unwilling to speak that language to him. Makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Archgirl Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Yes I wasn't too happy about it, usually age is just a number if someone is say 25 or over but at 18 you're still yet to mature so yes I think he took advantage an yes this annoys me to... So why did she have to tell me about her sex life ? I did not want to hear it is disrespectful and disgusting really, she can't blame me for getting really pissed off! I don't think she was necessarily trying to tell you about her sex life. Is it possible that she was trying to normalise something, have something from her sexual past that she was uncomfortable with accepted by you but could only do it like this while drunk? It's always worth questioning the framework of interpretation Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 The love languages are wholly relevant to this. You're suggesting that OP will never feel loved the way he wants to be loved (through acts of service) because his GF is incapable of or simply unwilling to speaking that language to him. Makes sense. No I'm suggesting that he is focusing on hers too much - though it does seem to coincide with anal sex so perhaps that is indeed his love language Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 It's always worth questioning the framework of interpretation I agree with that part... I doubt anyway that anything that is not a physical impediment to do the act would work for me as a valid reason to deprive me for what she was willing to give to other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 I agree with that part... I doubt that anything that is not a physical impediment to do the act would work for me as a valid reason to deprive me for what she was willing to give to other guy. This is quite a self-centered view. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 This is quite a self-centered view. The reverse is very self centered from her... but yes... I can be self centered if you want, in love I want it all and I don't settle for less that I want! Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 The reverse is very self centered from her... but yes... I can be self centered if you want, in love I want it all and I don't settle for less that I want! So if the person doesn't give you what you want, you view them as selfish? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 This is quite a self-centered view. But isn't her refusing to offer it equally as self-centered, just from the opposite end? Whether she 100% refuses it or he 100% wants it, there is no compromise, so both are being equally self-centered in their stances, no...? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 So if the person doesn't give you what you want, you view them as selfish? Nope... I just move on... I don't need to define them... it is just not a good match for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 But isn't her refusing to offer it equally as self-centered, just from the opposite end? Whether she 100% refuses it or he 100% wants it, there is no compromise, so both are being equally self-centered in their stances, no...? I think when you request something from the other person you put them in the position where they have to take a stance. They have no choice but to be self-centered since you ask them to be. Unless they give in to your requests every time of course. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 I think when you request something from the other person you put them in the position where they have to take a stance. They have no choice but to be self-centered since you ask them to be. Unless they give in to your requests every time of course. You can argue that in the same way when you deprive something from someone ....while you had no problems to do it with someone else... Link to post Share on other sites
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