Feeling hurt by girlfriends revelations

[SensitiveTJ]

Generally, the consensus is, do you feel your girlfriend is an autonomous being, or something who owes you favors via her body.

 

"My question to you is whether you are prepared to tolerate this kind of behavior"

 

Are you willing to accept a woman who has had previous sexual experience through her former partners?

 

Some women experiment, then learn through trial and error whether or not they like a sexual act. she tried anal and decided she ultimately didn't like it. Maybe she didnt like the aftermath, maybe she didnt like what it did to her body. end of story, she does not want to do it any more.

 

NONE of the posters have respected that. They all say, She did it once, she should do it again. PERIOD.

 

Funny thing is, none of the other posters have factored in the fact that she was an 18 year old girl.. seriously just a child, who was with(and probably taken advantage of) a nearly 40 year old divorced man.

 

its honestly kind of sad to read some of these responses.

 

See, all of you are focusing on the sex. That's not really the relevant part of the story for me, at least. It's about causing your partner emotional pain with your words. THAT is the reason OP should consider what is going on here. Like I said, he is dating someone who is either stupid or intentionally cruel. Neither is very good, in my opinion. I personally will not be with someone who uses the mention of their previous sex life as a weapon to hurt me.

 

From my perspective, this thread is not about sex, primarily. It's about appropriate communication and decency between two people in a relationship.

[camillalev]

See, all of you are focusing on the sex. That's not really the relevant part of the story for me, at least. It's about causing your partner emotional pain with your words. THAT is the reason OP should consider what is going on here. Like I said, he is dating someone who is either stupid or intentionally cruel. Neither is very good, in my opinion. I personally will not be with someone who uses the mention of their previous sex life as a weapon to hurt me.

 

From my perspective, this thread is not about sex, primarily. It's about appropriate communication and decency between two people in a relationship.

 

I 100% agree with you. I've been unnecessarily told about a partners past before, and it was shi/tty! No one needs to hear about that. the past should stay firmly in the past.

 

My post was mainly about some of the posters here, who seem to be in the 'anal or no relationship' camp. For no reason than because 'she did it with her ex, she has to do it with me OR ELSE'. sad, really. I've never felt sexually open and safe with someone who had that attitude.

 

 

Oh yeah and let's not forget she was 18 with a 40 year old man.

Edited July 5, 2013 by camillalev

[SensitiveTJ]

I 100% agree with you. I've been unnecessarily told about a partners past before, and it was shi/tty! No one needs to hear about that. the past should stay firmly in the past.

 

My post was mainly about some of the posters here, who seem to be in the 'anal or no relationship' camp. For no reason than because 'she did it with her ex, she has to do it with me OR ELSE'. sad, really. I've never felt sexually open and safe with someone who had that attitude.

 

 

Oh yeah and let's not forget she was 18 with a 40 year old man.

 

 

I'm not sure where I stand on that aspect of things, to be honest. It's true that no one should be forced to do something they don't want to do sexually. Yet it is also psychologically damaging to know your partner has been adventurous with someone else, in ways they won't consider with you. I would probably leave that relationship, but I would contextualize it as due to my inability to be satisfied with the other person. I wouldn't blame them for their actions, I would just excuse myself from the entire situation.

 

In my personal experience, I never considered asking for anal sex from my girl. I just lost all ability to even be around her. All my feelings went goodbye, lol. I can't respect cruel people.

[USMCHokie]

My post was mainly about some of the posters here, who seem to be in the 'anal or no relationship' camp. For no reason than because 'she did it with her ex, she has to do it with me OR ELSE'. sad, really. I've never felt sexually open and safe with someone who had that attitude.

 

So what's wrong with looking for someone else who trusts you and feels sexually open and safe with you...?

[Emilia]

So what's wrong with looking for someone else who trusts you and feels sexually open and safe with you...?

It's not solely what the posts were about

[therhythm]

I have to say that for me the problem has nothing to do with anal sex...

I agree as well with many here who have said you can't and shouldn't ever force anyone do do anything they are not willing to do... That is out of the question!

 

But it is that lack of willingness to go as far and beyond with me as she was willing to go with someone else... the lack of attraction, adventurous feeling, trust or connection that she used to have with that other person what will make me fade like the morning fog... I am not settling for being second in the world of my partner ...

Edited July 5, 2013 by therhythm

[Million.to.1]

My God. I can't believe you are all still arguing over this.

 

OP. talk to you GF. FFS!

 

And remember - 6 months verses 5 years.

 

If you want this conversation with your GF to work, then read what all the woman have written to you here. Let it marinate in your brain. Your GF is a woman, and 2 single blokes agreeing with you on an Internet forum is not going to make a very strong argument for your cause.

[therhythm]

My God. I can't believe you are all still arguing over this.

 

OP. talk to you GF. FFS!

 

And remember - 6 months verses 5 years.

 

If you want this conversation with your GF to work, then read what all the woman have written to you here. Let it marinate in your brain. Your GF is a woman, and 2 single blokes agreeing with you on an Internet forum is not going to make a very strong argument for your cause.

 

Yes...

 

Translation: Listen to me because I am a woman and I know better than you or any guy here how you need to feel or how you need to react to the wrong doings any of the people of my gender does... :o:rolleyes:

 

Really....

Edited July 5, 2013 by therhythm

[Got it]

Yes...

 

Translation: Listen to me because I am a woman and I know better than you or any guy here how you need to feel or how you need to react to the wrong doings any of the people of my gender does... :o:rolleyes:

 

Really....

 

Horrid women on this forum and in the world. How DARE we push for communication and actually trying to get all the information prior to making a relationship decision. SO MUCH better to stay in assumptions, half knowledge and fears. What a healthy and mature way to function.

 

[USMCHokie]

Horrid women on this forum and in the world. How DARE we push for communication and actually trying to get all the information prior to making a relationship decision.

 

How much more information is needed after the following exchange?

 

OP: I'd like to try anal sex because I'm interested and always wanted to do it.

 

Her: No, that will never happen.

 

 

 

You can replace "anal sex" with anything else, and it doesn't change the situation at all. Let's run through a few examples:

 

OP: I'd like to try having a kid because I'm interested and always wanted to do it.

 

Her: No, that will never happen.

 

 

OP: I'd like to try moving to Europe for a few years because I'm interested and always wanted to do it.

 

Her: No, that will never happen.

 

 

It appears sufficient communication has been made, so in what way does OP not have all the information he needs to make a reasonably informed relationship decision...?

[therhythm]

Horrid women on this forum and in the world. How DARE we push for communication and actually trying to get all the information prior to making a relationship decision. SO MUCH better to stay in assumptions, half knowledge and fears. What a healthy and mature way to function.

 

 

Can you quote me where did I say not to speak with his girlfriend? You can see bellow marked in bold how I have asked him to ask his girlfriend about her reasons many times.

 

I don't know how her views are about this because we have not been alble to convince OP to ask his girlfriend about her reasons but in this case I am talking to the OP... I feel sympathy for him and in my opinion his girlfriend is being a jerk with him, not only for volunteer unsolicited information but because after that she told him how she use to do something with another guy out of the blue she proceed to tun off OP for the same thing... and because she knows her boyfriend has a craving for a sexual act he has never tried before, if you love someone you would try something you have done before even if it is only once to give your boyfriend that peace of mind and experience therefore in my opinionhe should look for someone who has less tailor made boundaries

 

Honestly.... till you don't man up and ask your girlfriend for her reasons to not want to do it with you... there is not much that anyone can add to this topic..

 

You already know what different people have told you... analyse everything well and choose your line of actions by yourself... people here has no investment in your relationship at all or are totally biased by their sex when giving advise so whatever decision you take make sure it is your decision and not anyone's else!

 

 

I don't think women in this thread are horrid... but in my opinion they are totally biased and one sided, looking to this only from the girlfriend perspective and not trying even once to put themselves in the skin of OP.

 

I was not the one trying to disqualify anyone here, I just answer to someone trying to imply that OP should only look to the female answer..:rolleyes: (it wasn't you)

 

Having said that, I would not need much more explanations in his case... and that is just my opinion... not a fact... OP needs to take his own learning from this and then his own decisions...

[Emilia]

It appears sufficient communication has been made, so in what way does OP not have all the information he needs to make a reasonably informed relationship decision...?

Because he doesn't know (or doesn't post about) why. As a woman - as someone mentioned one of those reasons on page 2 or 3 - I know of two good reasons why it is something I would consider it a problem potentially:

 

1) That it physically damaged her or is worried that it might pysically damage her

2) That her ex became desensitised to having vaginal sex since the pressure isn't usually the same (the lure of anal sex) and maybe she is worried that it would happen again.

 

I merely speculate but it amazes me how self-centered men can be when it comes to something that a woman has to deal with physically.

[therhythm]

Because he doesn't know (or doesn't post about) why. As a woman - as someone mentioned one of those reasons on page 2 or 3 - I know of two good reasons why it is something I would consider it a problem potentially:

 

1) That it physically damaged her or is worried that it might pysically damage her

2) That her ex became desensitised to having vaginal sex since the pressure isn't usually the same (the lure of anal sex) and maybe she is worried that it would happen again.

 

I merely speculate but it amazes me how self-centered men can be when it comes to something that a woman has to deal with physically.

 

It amaze me how self centered women are when it comes to something that a men needs to deal with psychologically ...

 

It works both ways!

[Emilia]

It amaze me how self centered women are when it comes to something that a men needs to deal with psychologically ...

 

It works both ways!

Jesus Christ man you realise how immature you are sounding right now?

[therhythm]

Jesus Christ man you realise how immature you are sounding right now?

 

Why? Am I immature because I think OP should not settle for less than anyone else? Or because I don't agree with you?

 

So he should be respectful with the fact that she doesn't want something with him that involves her body but he can't be disgusted that she volunteer information that changed his whole appreciation of their sexual life and is making him pay a psychological tool? Why can't anyone of you just for a second try to look to the things from the guy's perspective.. just for a second...

Edited July 5, 2013 by therhythm

[USMCHokie]

Because he doesn't know (or doesn't post about) why.

 

Does the why even matter? Let's analogize and say that OP's girlfriend suddenly starts smoking, and OP never wanted to date a smoker. What reason could she give him that would be persuasive in making OP stay in the relationship? Does it even matter why? Is the fact that she smokes enough to leave? Likewise, is the fact that is not sexually open to anal sex reason enough to leave?

 

I merely speculate but it amazes me how self-centered men can be when it comes to something that a woman has to deal with physically.

 

So I presume that you believe OP is obligated to stay with her...?

[Emilia]

Does the why even matter? Let's analogize and say that OP's girlfriend suddenly starts smoking, and OP never wanted to date a smoker. What reason could she give him that would be persuasive in making OP stay in the relationship? Does it even matter why? Is the fact that she smokes enough to leave? Likewise, is the fact that is not sexually open to anal sex reason enough to leave?

 

So I presume that you believe OP is obligated to stay with her...?

I suppose it's hard for me to imagine that anal sex makes or breaks a relationship BUT I suppose in some cases that's possible.

 

If it's not a non-negotiable then I believe her reasons should be taken into account. If it is a non-negotiable then the OP should leave yes.

[Million.to.1]

 

 

So I presume that you believe OP is obligated to stay with her...?

 

Of course not! We are just saying to talk to his GF more about it first!

 

whether or not he leaves her cause her back door is closed is another thread. Let's focus on the why and get more info.

[USMCHokie]

I suppose it's hard for me to imagine that anal sex makes or breaks a relationship BUT I suppose in some cases that's possible.

 

I don't think it's necessarily the anal sex that's the issue, but her relative close-mindedness about certain sexual activities. It doesn't have to be anal sex. It could be BDSM, swallowing cum, or even ear sex. A simple sexual incompatibility, wouldn't you say?

 

If it's not a non-negotiable then I believe her reasons should be taken into account. If it is a non-negotiable then the OP should leave yes.

 

Note that if you examine the perspective of the GF (not his), it is non-negotiable. She herself is unwilling to compromise, so is OP expected to be the only one to compromise? I think that's where the conflict of opinion comes, where you have an imbalance of compromise.

 

Women will praise OP's GF with a "you go girl!" and chastise OP for being unwilling to compromise, but if you stop for a second between all the hollering and cheering, you'll see that you're simply encouraging the GF's refusal to compromise. Is that what you expect out of your own relationships? One-sided compromise?

[Emilia]

I don't think it's necessarily the anal sex that's the issue, but her relative close-mindedness about certain sexual activities. It doesn't have to be anal sex. It could be BDSM, swallowing cum, or even ear sex. A simple sexual incompatibility, wouldn't you say?

 

Note that if you examine the perspective of the GF (not his), it is non-negotiable. She herself is unwilling to compromise, so is OP expected to be the only one to compromise? I think that's where the conflict of opinion comes, where you have an imbalance of compromise.

 

Women will praise OP's GF with a "you go girl!" and chastise OP for being unwilling to compromise, but if you stop for a second between all the hollering and cheering, you'll see that you're simply encouraging the GF's refusal to compromise. Is that what you expect out of your own relationships? One-sided compromise?

 

Am I talking to you or Hokie because if it's the latter I can't be arsed to explain it further.

[KungFuJoe]

It's not about the sex itself. It's just op being jealous that someone before him got something he didn't and now he wants it too, irregardless if what his gf feels or wants.

 

I bet op didn't give two ****s if he ever got anal sex from his gf before her "revelation". So why does he care now?

 

Competition, that's why.

 

It's a guy thing. We're stupid like that.

[GorillaTheater]

It's not about the sex itself. It's just op being jealous that someone before him got something he didn't and now he wants it too, irregardless if what his gf feels or wants.

 

I bet op didn't give two ****s if he ever got anal sex from his gf before her "revelation". So why does he care now?

 

Competition, that's why.

 

It's a guy thing. We're stupid like that.

 

That, and the mental vortex which sets in, the one where you start questioning whether your SO is as attracted to you as she was to the ex, what did this guy have that she was willing to things with him that she's not with you, etc. It can be quite the mindf*ck.

[USMCHokie]

It's not about the sex itself. It's just op being jealous that someone before him got something he didn't and now he wants it too, irregardless if what his gf feels or wants.

 

I bet op didn't give two ****s if he ever got anal sex from his gf before her "revelation". So why does he care now?

 

Competition, that's why.

 

It's a guy thing. We're stupid like that.

 

Eh, so would it be correct to say that if the relationship ended and he were to meet another girl who had never had anal sex, he wouldn't be interested, as there would be no competition before him...?

[USMCHokie]

That, and the mental vortex which sets in, the one where you start questioning whether your SO is as attracted to you as she was to the ex, what did this guy have that she was willing to things with him that she's not with you, etc. It can be quite the mindf*ck.

 

And what if you meet a girl who is as sexually open-minded as you are and won't say no to trying anything at least once...? Does this even become a concern...?

[KungFuJoe]

Eh, so would it be correct to say that if the relationship ended and he were to meet another girl who had never had anal sex, he wouldn't be interested, as there would be no competition before him...?

 

Different now as the "seed" has been planted and anal sex is now a "trigger" of sorts to feed his insecurity.

 

Because of this, it now has "significance" to him. I would say that op would now have an overall higher level of interest in anal sex than before his gf "spilled the beans". Beyond that, I don't know how op would react in the future if he ended up with someone who didn't care for anal sex but ALSO never had it before.