How long before....

[Queen of Sheba]

If you are the BS how long before...

1) you can stop being fine one minute and think you can reconcile and then anything can trigger you off being angry or sad?

2) certain dates when you know WS was spending time with AP when should have been with you/spending time with you/thinking about you be normal again? e.g Xmas time

3) you know whether reconciling is going to work

4) you think you can trust WS not to have another affair

5) your WS stops making an effort/thinks its time you just got over it and does it all come back then and go downwards?

6) you stop wondering what the AP is doing/thinking about?

7) you stop looking all over the Internet for information about affairs and stop spending loads of time on this forum posting questions, reading stories, some help when some of which are wholly irrelevant to own situation but interesting!?

8) you know that you have gone as far as you can with couples of counselling? Days you think you don't need it days you think we'll be in it forever but does it get to the point when you think that's it, we don't need it we will be fine (or otherwise)

9) you forget the date you found out?

 

Obviously every case is different but just wondered if there were any common themes.

Edited July 2, 2013 by Queen of Sheba

[Zenstudent]

If you are the BS how long before...

1) you can be fine one minute and think you can reconcile and then anything can trigger you off being angry or sad?

Don't know, but two years after I can still turn sad.

 

2) you can let certain dates when you know WS was spending time with AP when should have been with you/spending time with you/thinking about you be normal again? e.g Xmas time

Get's better after one-year anniversaries. 2.nd year hasn't been as hard as the first year. More of a Meh.... But it's still there.

 

3) you know whether reconciling is going to work

I think you'll maybe never know for sure - it's a process, not a goal in it self.

 

4) you think you can trust WS not to have another affair

Never. Nothing in this world is certain, that's for certain. Once you realize this, you won't set yourself up for disappointments or devastating pain.

 

you forget the date you found out?

Never. I don't forget my wedding day either.

 

5) your WS stops making an effort/thinks its time you just got over it and does it all come back then and go downwards?

 

6) you stop wondering what the AP is doing/thinking about?

I did that within the first 6 months. He's not going to control me, my thoughts or my world. I'm the one who do that.

 

7) you stop looking all over the Internet for information about affairs and stop spending loads of time on this forum posting questions, reading stories, some help when some of which are wholly irrelevant to own situation but interesting!?

It would be nice to spend less energy on this. But I'ts part of me now, and it'll never go away, I accept that. I try to focus on adding perspective to other posters in need of help and support.

 

8) you know that you have gone as far as you can with couples of counselling? Days you think you don't need it days you think we'll be in it forever but does it get to the point when you think that's it, we don't need it we will be fine (or otherwise)

I think it would be usefull in many years to come. Wish I could make my wife want it as well.

 

Obviously every case is different but just wondered if there were any common themes.

Sorry you're here. If all of the above bothers you, I would suggest more in-the-moment-thinking. I try to learn it myself, it's hard, but it helps.

[jnel921]

Unfortunately it does take time to heal. Whether you chose to reconcile or not. It took about 3 years after my first H cheated and we divorced. My current H and I are trying to R after his A almost 1 year ago.

 

I can't say that there are bad days, maybe some sad ones. For me it is getting easier because there is a true effort going on.

 

Cheating sucks but what's done is done. You can either split or work on it. both take its toll on you.

 

lurking the net and posting here has been very helpful and necessary for me. It has helped me to see a few sides of this this thing called Infidelity. I share some of the posts with my H. it has helped him as well although he doesn't post here.

 

We can talk about things without me getting as upset as I did. Some of that trust has come back. It is not 100 percent by any means but there definitely is some progress. I have not said I loved him since D-Day. I know he is working on hearing those 3 words although he tells me that he knows I do although I haven't said it. The day I say it will be a big day for him. But I will hold off until I feel I have fully recovered and we have our marriage back on track.

 

We went to counseling for a few months then I decided I didn't want to go anymore. I went to IC for many years after my first M and I already knew the basics and already had the tools to deal with this. It wasn't my fault. My H was very remorseful and he wanted to do the work, so we went from there.

 

This is a time to create a new relationship. We have so many things to look forward to and share. I can't be sad about that. Thinking about the OW only brings back a negative energy that I really don't care for at this point.

 

In this case the A brought my H back to me, helped to improve our relationship. I hate that he did this, but I love the strength of our love that has helped to continue to overcome this day by day.

 

Stay positive and you will be fine. Good luck to you.

[underwater2010]

If you are the BS how long before...

 

1) you can stop being fine one minute and think you can reconcile and then anything can trigger you off being angry or sad?

 

At 6 months I stopped triggering everyday. At a year it is maybe once a month. Now it is focusing on our communication and our marriage. I DO NOT watch romantic movies, but have been able to watch movies about affairs.

 

2) certain dates when you know WS was spending time with AP when should have been with you/spending time with you/thinking about you be normal again? e.g Xmas time

 

I guess I am lucky that the time he devoted to her was while I was working or out of town. The times that hurt the most are the date of my father's death and my nephew's birth. He was busy talking to her and she was making plans to met up with him because I was out of town. Thank god it did not happen. I use the day to celebrate my father's life and send happy birthdays. I will not let her own that day.

 

3) you know whether reconciling is going to work

 

It fluctuates....I say a year to decide if you want the marriage. Then it depends on how much work they have done to help save the marriage.

 

4) you think you can trust WS not to have another affair

 

I have just recently gotten to the point where I realized that I can only correct my actions that lead the marriage to the point of an affair being an option. Other than that.....it is on him. If he does it again, I am done.

 

5) your WS stops making an effort/thinks its time you just got over it and does it all come back then and go downwards?

 

I am lucky that my husband understands it is going to take awhile. Hell, I was even shocked when he admitted he would have left me if the roles where reversed.

 

6) you stop wondering what the AP is doing/thinking about?

 

I still wonder....that is how the hell she got away with multiple affairs. As long as she doesn't contact my husband all is good.

 

7) you stop looking all over the Internet for information about affairs and stop spending loads of time on this forum posting questions, reading stories, some help when some of which are wholly irrelevant to own situation but interesting!?

 

No I still surf most days. But work helps ease the desire to search. As does books.

 

8) you know that you have gone as far as you can with couples of counselling? Days you think you don't need it days you think we'll be in it forever but does it get to the point when you think that's it, we don't need it we will be fine (or otherwise)

 

We never went to MC.

 

9) you forget the date you found out?

 

It was a few day before Father's day for me. I don't think that will ever go away.

 

Obviously every case is different but just wondered if there were any common themes.

 

See responses in bold

[Queen of Sheba]

I think of it several times a day without getting angry or upset, but its certainly loads of times a day still. I'd love to get to the stage where its just less! i know I've got lots of triggers to come, all the important dates in a calendar where he put her first.

[krazikat]

If you are the BS how long before...

1) you can stop being fine one minute and think you can reconcile and then anything can trigger you off being angry or sad?

 

 

There were many things that occurred in my marriage prior to the affair. I had a r with OM before we were married. During a time we weren't together. I later found out my now husband was planning to propose to me before this happened. Even though technically I didn't cheat, it broke him. Thinking of how things could have been of this didn't happen makes me sad...because my h changed after that. I honestly think that this A would not have happened and that he would not have become alcoholic. It led to the toxic period in our marriage, with resentment and lack of trust.

 

With that said, I do not.excuse his affair at all. What he did to me was.effed up. I am sad.that I married a man who would do this to me, and I am mad I didn't find out sooner. Well, ok I am sad and mad about slot of things. I am not sure when that will go away.

 

2) certain dates when you know WS was spending time with AP when should have been with you/spending time with you/thinking about you be normal again? e.g Xmas time

 

This is not a factor for me.

 

3) you know whether reconciling is going to work

 

So far, so good. I believe that of both of us continue to want the marriage to work and keep lines of communication open, then it will.

 

4) you think you can trust WS not to have another affair

 

I will never blindly trust again. Of he makes that decision, then I will walk, but I know I can't control him. I do know he loves me and his actions show that.

 

5) your WS stops making an effort/thinks its time you just got over it and does it all come back then and go downwards?

 

Of he stops making the effort, then I would reevaluate.

 

6) you stop wondering what the AP is doing/thinking about?

 

I don't really think of her along those lines. I do occasionally wonder why she lashed out at me like she did, but she is a broken person. I hope she finds her happiness with an available man.

 

7) you stop looking all over the Internet for information about affairs and stop spending loads of time on this forum posting questions, reading stories, some help when some of which are wholly irrelevant to own situation but interesting!?

 

I find this activity a form of therapy, I doubt that I will ever completely stop.

 

8) you know that you have gone as far as you can with couples of counselling? Days you think you don't need it days you think we'll be in it forever but does it get to the point when you think that's it, we don't need it we will be fine (or otherwise)

 

I am still debating on the MC/ic...I have had bad past experienced.

 

9) you forget the date you found out?

 

That will never happen.

 

Obviously every case is different but just wondered if there were any common themes.

 

I am only 5 months out from dday...and still alternating between anger and sadness and ok. I agreed to give my H another shot, but will never go.thru this again. This is one of those situations where emotions are high, pain is deep, and healing takes time.

Edited July 4, 2013 by krazikat