my ex has a new "friend"

[scorpiojimi]

I recently seperated with my fiance 4 months ago. We lived together for 1 year and had a very loving and affectionate relationship. We split up because she did not trust me 100% to be responsible, especially when drinking. I had a car accident and an arrest for disorderly conduct. I never intentionally or physically hurt her and I never cheated on her, but my irresponsibility hurt her emotionally and scared her about what might happen in the future.

 

I still want to be with her and she agrees that she wants the "good" us, but the bad is too much for her to take me back right now. In the meantime I am doing everything I can to show her I am a good person and won't repeat the same mistakes. She recently has become friends with someone who wants to be more than friends. She told him she doesn't want a boyfriend but he still does romantic things for her, takes her out and pays for everything and buys her presents. He has been trying to get with her for 2 months now. She said she hasn't shown him any affection like kissing or hugging or anything and I believe her. They hang out two times a week and she is watching a movie at his place right now. She said she doesn't want to take me back now and have it be a mistake and she doesn't want to shut the door on this new guy and have it be a mistake.

 

I don't want her to think I am competing for her because of her new friend. I just want to be the best person I can be and hope that is enough. Basically, I am worried that she will fall for this guy and I will feel hung out to dry. I don't want to move on, but the waiting game is killing me.

 

Any suggestions or relative experiences?

[Mary3]

First of All : She is very smart to be avoiding YOU because of your drinking problem and how you have not adressed these issues and she found comfort in the arms of another man.

 

The chances of her wanting you back are : Ice Storm on Planet Mercury,

 

Isnt going to happen

 

Now your REAL concern is to own up to all the Bull crap you must have put her through. Straighten out your drinking crap and move on with your life and stay away from the Liquor.

[j_nelson]

I disagree with Mary...sounds as though drinking may have affected her life in one way or another....

 

You mentioned in your post that you are doing everything you can to show her you are a good person and won't make the same mistakes. Why Mary says "you have not addressed these issues" is beyond me. As far as we know, you have...that's what you say anyway....by the way, what exactly have you done?

 

The chances of her wanting you back are uknown...only she knows....doesn't make sense for Mary to say the chances of her wanting you back are "Ice Storm on Mercury"....if you truly have done some things to make yourself a better person and learned how to control your drinking, the chances of her wanting you back could be very good.

[Weird]

I too disagree with Mary.

 

Seems Mary is another Beautiful here and can't grasp that people can still have feelings and want to try second chances after a breakup because they realize that just because some things about their partner need to change does not mean all hope is lost. Mary probably is giving advice based on what SHE would do (another one of those women who lacks the ability to forgive and expects her man to be perfect but at the same time is probably flawed beyond belief? Me thinks so) or a situation she has been in rather than logically think about what other human beings can think/feel. What I am left wondering is why is someone who seems opposed to the chance of 2nd chances posting on this forum about.....second chances.

 

 

 

 

To me it sounds like she wants you to straighten up and only then when you can show her you have changed for the better would she think about getting back together.

[UnicornGirl]

let me also say I disagree with Mary. she's describing how SHE would feel had she been your significant other. that's not fair to you! we all make mistakes, we all get into bad situations, be it with alcohol, personal issues, trust issues, the list goes on and on. don't punish yourself for anything you've done -- learn from it, and know that you can be better. feeling ashamed for a while is good, because it lets you know that your value system conflicts with your actions, and that you can be a better person. thinking this way will help you love yourself, which is what you need for a loving relationship with another person.

 

this new guy is of little consequence if you had a relationship that was meaningful and a genuine love for each other. most people who decide to get married do.

 

so, she's obviously testing things out with him. do nice things for her -- take her out, be sweet to her, let her know you love her, but don't pressure her to come to you. the other guy will probably start getting jealous and posessive if he knows she's spending time with you, and then who do you think she'll choose? this new guy that she knows very little about, or you, who overcomes an alcohol problem for her (most women adore it when guys change for the better because of them!) and puts no pressure on her to come back, just treats her with love and kindness every time you're with her, showing no jealousy or contempt for the new guy? by not acting like you own her, you foster a better relationship with her.

 

think back to when you were first trying to date her -- act like that. but it'll be deeper than that, since you already have the advantage of knowing her who she really is, your memories of living together and loving each other, and the genuine love you feel for her.

 

don't think of it as a waiting game -- think of it as loving her and enjoying time you spend together. hey, she's talking to you, that's better off than most people are after a breakup! it may take time for her to come back but i assure you that she won't be able to ignore the way you treat her. and one more very important thing -- don't judge your success by how much time she spends with this new guy. remember that it's a very loving, beautiful gift to her to let her spend time with this new guy.

 

best of luck to you. just keep your self-respect and be the best person you want to be, and you'll be on your way to a good relationship with this woman you love and with yourself. remember that she wants to come back to a self-sufficient, smart, beautiful, healthy, self-controlled man, not one who needs a girlfriend or a fiancee.

[scorpiojimi]

she wants to come back to a self-sufficient, smart, beautiful, healthy, self-controlled man, not one who needs a girlfriend or a fiancee.

 

This is exactly the type of person I am trying to become. I must admit I wasn't ready for the commitment of marriage. I was very much in love and asked her to marry me too early. I wanted to be with her and still act like a rowdy and irresponsible young male when I was away from her. I realize that a woman wants a responsible and secure man who can help his partner be a better person as well. Once she realizes I am all of the things mentioned above and moving forward with a productive lifestyle I think she will come back to me.

 

I am giving her freedom to do whatever she wants as long as she is honest with me. My trust in her is very high so it is pretty easy from that standpoint. The hardest part is finding confidence in myself to not be intimidated by another man in the picture and stay focused on my personal goals for myself and for our relationship.

 

Thanks for the kind words! I will use them to help me achieve my goals

[Mary3]

This answer was based on the belief that you had a drinking problem ( in the past ) but if since then you have been sober and trying to work things out then thats good

I only said from my previous post based on a former relationship with a person with a drinking problem. If you did not have that type of problem then my apologies for assuming ....

 

Everyone deserves a second chance

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by scorpiojimi

I am giving her freedom to do whatever she wants as long as she is honest with me. My trust in her is very high so it is pretty easy from that standpoint. The hardest part is finding confidence in myself to not be intimidated by another man in the picture and stay focused on my personal goals for myself and for our relationship.

 

it's easier to be confident if you eat well, exercise, sleep well, etc. so try to do that. Also know that the less jealousy you show about this other guy, the closer you are to getting back together with her. Some women like to be with another guy after a break-up to "prove" to their ex that they're attractive and successful, but this new relationship is NOT about really really liking the other person -- it's about making themselves feel good and making the ex feel bad. I'm not saying that's entirely what she's doing, but that may be part of it, so be aware of that and use it to your advantage. I know in my case, even if the most attractive, successful man in the world were to fall in love with me, I'd still rather have my ex over him. There's an attachment to someone you've really shared a lot with that can not be replaced -- but it can be forgotten through jealous behavior and posessiveness and other unattractive, destructive behaviors.

 

Originally posted by scorpiojimi Thanks for the kind words! I will use them to help me achieve my goals

 

You're welcome Here's hoping that we all achieve our goals!

[Gilly1]

I think that if you want your ex back it's going to take a lot of time and effort on your part. There are probably many past hurts that need to be healed. One part of the healing process may involve you listening to her - without comment - as she tells you some of the things that you've done in the past that have hurt her and eventually led to her decision to leave you. If you really want her back, it's going to take a lot of work to gain her trust. I don't think she's using the new guy to make you jealous, especially if nothing has happened yet. However, you must realize that her ideal guy may come along and then you will have to be the big person and let her go so she can be happy. She deserves to be happy. I am sure she always stood by you. I think it's funny how men always seem to wait until the woman is fed up and leaves to realize what they had. In an ideal world the woman would find a real man and not take you back. And all you can do is try harder with the next one.

[teck21]

scorpiojimi,

 

It appears you have recognized your problem and not shied away from it, and only with recognition can any fix be effective.

 

You say you are trying to change, but it would be good if you had a plan. People who quit smoking/drinking/etc almost always have a plan. If you don't trust yourself to stick to it, or are not sure, why don't you keep a diary detailing how you have addressed each issue, what concrete steps you have taken. Share it with people, let people help you.

 

I can't be certain about this, but unless your willpower is tremendous, I doubt you will succeed in changing for the better if you think you can go it alone. Support is always important. If no-one's watching, assessing, the tendency to not change will be very strong.

 

Tell her you mean it, tell her to give you time (and I mean a fixed amount of time, maybe six months), a reverse ultimatum of sorts. Unless you have made and broken a million of such promises previously, I think it's only right and proper that she gives you a chance if she truly loves you, because that would mean she's not given up on you, and will not so easily. That to me, is what love is. And as for support, well, she alone would probably be worth much more than everyone else here put together.

 

Get alist, write down everything you feel you have done wrong, every major character flaw you feel has made you be the person you don't want to be. Do not hide. Write down everything you think you can do to make improve yourself, and exactly how you plan to do it.

 

A therapist can help you out, hell, even the people here can if you can't afford one. Other people can offer different perspectives, and qute often, see thngs that you cannot because they stand outside. I've never been to therapy, but I suspect that it can get ugly, embarrassing and even hurtful, but I think often it's the only way to purge.

 

Share these with your girl, prepare well, look focused and be organized. Get a powerpoint presentation (okay, being facetious there!). Don't just show up and say 'I will change'. That's not good enough, although I think you already know that.

 

Start by being honest with yourself, and I mean Brutally honest.

 

Good luck.

[scorpiojimi]

Well, I actually am seeing a therapist right now. I have only gone twice, but I really enjoy talking to someone who helps you rationalize how you are feeling so you can face your problems rather than hide from them. he reccomended I see a physician about getting on medication like Prozac or something similar. I would rather do without any medication, but if it can only help then it is worth a shot.

 

I also have a plan in place to save money and start investing towards my future. I feel really good about actually having goals and facing problems that I have hid from for years. I also realize that I have only taken baby steps towards achieving anything. I'm sure there will be tough times ahead where I will have to make some tough decisions. However I am gaining more confidence in myself everyday.

 

I went out to dinner with my ex yesterday and she told her new friend and he actually got jealous that she is spending more time with me than him. She wishes he only wanted to be friends because that would make things easier on her right now. She also admitted that she is flattered by the attention she is getting from him and she has thought about what it would be like to kiss him. She said she hasn't done anything intimate with him because she knows that would probably be the end of us. He is taking her out to dinner tomorrow night and I think he is planning on asking her to be exclusive with him. I am not sure how to react yet. i guess I'll have to wait and see how she reacts first.

[UnicornGirl]

I knew he'd get jealous ...

 

As long as you don't act possessive or upset about this, she's on her way to coming back to you. His being uncomfortable with you shows that he's insecure and posessive, and that's not a good basis for a new relationship. Your ex knows that.

 

Encourage her to do what she wants -- tell her you love her but that you understand if she needs to spend more time with the other guy and tell her that you want her to do what makes her happy.