how do i confront him

[Ami]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I see him mostly at weekends because we are both busy and work during the week. On Tuesday I went to his house while he was out to pick up a coat I had left there. I didn't tell him I was popping in because I have a key and It's no big deal. I found a note from some girl who he has been buying vitimin supplements from, she owns her own company. So thats fine but the note from her was very friendly, things like "last time I saw you and you were obviously busy last week" and "You can come and get the stuff immediately" signed love and kisses Caroline. So am I overeacting? I need to ask him about this because it's driving me mad but if I do how do I approach the subject without sounding like Im accusing him? He will not be impressed if He thinks Im prying and will become defensive and angry. Help!

[Tony T]

Yes, he could become defensive and angry. So you need to approach this carefully. I'm with you, the salutation on the note goes beyond a business relationship. But you could be overreacting. Depending on the lady and just how she's put together, the love and kisses thing could be something harmless she puts on everything without thinking about it.

 

Onw approach may be to make a joke of this. In a joking manner, say something to your guy like, "Your vitamin gal must really be getting a lot of good out of the stuff she sells. She's got love and kisses for everybody, I see." Laugh in a joking, sincere way...not put on and don't overdo it...maybe just a chuckle. Then see what his reaction is. If he gets upset, don't participate in an argument. Act like you don't understand why he's upset and then blow it off. Let him know you thought it was cute. If your boyfriend is sane and without guilt, he will make a short remark that this is just the way she is.

 

If you really want to get him, don't even mention the note. Ask him where or from whom he gets his vitamins. Tell him you want to consult with someone and go on a special vitamin regimen that your friends have been encouraging you to do. Let him know it would be nice if both of you purchased your vitamins from the same source. Either he will freely give you her name and phone number or the address of her store if she has one, or he will go into a mad panic. This may be the better choice since you can avoid letting him know you saw the note.

 

If he gives you the name of another vitamin person...other than the one in the note...you will be in bad trouble. You will pretty much know there is something else going on here. This strategy should surely flush things out if something's going on.

 

If you really want to get technical, if they have the sense of language that President Clinton acquired during the Lewinsky affair, your guy and this gal may define vitamins as anything that energizes you and perks you up. That's why he would have to visit her rather than her deliver the vitamins along with the note...if you know what I mean.

 

If he gets upset in any way when you ask him who he gets his vitamins from or if he suggests you just go to any vitamin store, he is guilty as hell of something...in my opinion. It would seem he would be happy to refer business to someone who was a friend, especially a love and kissy friend.

 

I feel so terribly sorry for so many people in the world who are in relationships where trust is always on the edge. It seems to be getting worse. It's really sad.

 

But it's nice to know people are taking their vitamins!!!

[Deejette]

But before you confront him, there are two things to think about: (1) He may think you were snooping around in his things and become offended, (2) This girl may be coming on to him but it doesn't necessarily mean he is receptive to her.

 

For example, one of my friends found a birthday card in with her husbands stuff from a female colleague. It had a gushy note in it about a business trip they took together and about the wonderful "talks" they had in his room. It turned out that this girl was coming onto her husband, making all the advances, and he was not responding.

 

My girlfriend said, "What about all that affection in the card?" He told her that if he were really trying to hide something, he would not have kept the card for anyone to see. Furthermore, this woman had a reputation for coming on to everyone, married or not, and was a home-wrecker.

 

So, consider this before you confront him.

Yes, he could become defensive and angry. So you need to approach this carefully. I'm with you, the salutation on the note goes beyond a business relationship. But you could be overreacting. Depending on the lady and just how she's put together, the love and kisses thing could be something harmless she puts on everything without thinking about it. Onw approach may be to make a joke of this. In a joking manner, say something to your guy like, "Your vitamin gal must really be getting a lot of good out of the stuff she sells. She's got love and kisses for everybody, I see." Laugh in a joking, sincere way...not put on and don't overdo it...maybe just a chuckle. Then see what his reaction is. If he gets upset, don't participate in an argument. Act like you don't understand why he's upset and then blow it off. Let him know you thought it was cute. If your boyfriend is sane and without guilt, he will make a short remark that this is just the way she is.

 

If you really want to get him, don't even mention the note. Ask him where or from whom he gets his vitamins. Tell him you want to consult with someone and go on a special vitamin regimen that your friends have been encouraging you to do. Let him know it would be nice if both of you purchased your vitamins from the same source. Either he will freely give you her name and phone number or the address of her store if she has one, or he will go into a mad panic. This may be the better choice since you can avoid letting him know you saw the note. If he gives you the name of another vitamin person...other than the one in the note...you will be in bad trouble. You will pretty much know there is something else going on here. This strategy should surely flush things out if something's going on. If you really want to get technical, if they have the sense of language that President Clinton acquired during the Lewinsky affair, your guy and this gal may define vitamins as anything that energizes you and perks you up. That's why he would have to visit her rather than her deliver the vitamins along with the note...if you know what I mean. If he gets upset in any way when you ask him who he gets his vitamins from or if he suggests you just go to any vitamin store, he is guilty as hell of something...in my opinion. It would seem he would be happy to refer business to someone who was a friend, especially a love and kissy friend. I feel so terribly sorry for so many people in the world who are in relationships where trust is always on the edge. It seems to be getting worse. It's really sad. But it's nice to know people are taking their vitamins!!!