I'm new to friends with benefits (and a smidge confused too!)

[Miss Thunderpants]

I’m in a friends with benefits situation for the first time and in some ways, it’s kind of thrown me.

 

We’ve been friends for a few months now. He was very keen to get to know me when we met and I suppose you could say that we were both surprised at how well we get along. He has told me on numerous occasions that he really likes me and he also said he has a bit of a ‘soft spot’ for me. He’s affectionate towards me when we’re alone, even if sex isn’t on the cards. He’s often very complimentary and has commented numerous times on how well we click, again when sex isn’t on the cards (e.g. when we’re walking down the street or he’s cleaning his kitchen). Bear in mind, this is a FWB situation, which clearly means that sweet-talking and buttering me up is not necessary. We’re both mature adults who won’t stand for bull.crap games.

 

I really like him too, although I’m not sure it would go anywhere at this point in time (or even it’s meant to) because he’s still recovering from a bad breakup, which was not his fault. His ex burned him big time so he’s not ready for a relationship with anyone. He told me himself the timing is bad.

 

Also, he’s often thrown in comments about other women i.e. he really appreciates a good-looking woman. He’s a self-confessed perve, which doesn’t bother that much, but when he says things like, "there’s so many good-looking women in this city", "I really like being single" and sometimes talks about experiences with women he’s had in the past, I just don’t know what to think. I do know for a fact that he’s not a shy boy and he’s incredibly open with this thoughts. Doesn’t hide a thing. Is this strange, or am I just not used to such an open, honest person?

 

Here’s the real problem: is there any protocol or etiquette when it comes to FWB? I mean, we haven’t spoken to each other in nearly 4 weeks. From what I can gather, he’s a very thoughtful person and people I know, who have known him for quite some time, say the same.

 

I just don’t know if this is normal to not speak for so long. The communication (which has always been fantastic, even he commented on it) seems to have plateaued. I’ve called him a couple of times and sent messages to his phone and he always replies, practically straight away, but he doesn’t seem to be initiating the contact anymore. But how often, from your experience or someone you know, should you contact each other? How much is too much? He’s a very social person and has a lot of friends, so I don’t doubt for a moment that he’s quite busy. He was meant to call me recently but didn’t. I don’t want to read into things too much, there could be a number of scenarios. He has forgotten to call me before (maybe not one of his strong points).

 

I’m just not up to scratch on how to conduct a friends with benefits situation. Quite frankly, I’m very confused because we get along extremely well and have great conversations (as well as fool around sometimes). I know he likes me, I like him, so how should I conduct this? Should I contact him one more time and throw the bait out there and see if he bites?

 

Don’t get me wrong – I’m open to meeting other people, but yeah…I guess you could say I kinda have a soft spot for him too.

[faux]

Whether this guy wants to admit to it or not, he is in a relationship with you. I find it odd that, people who do not want relationships, get into... relationships. These people simply insist that it is not a relationship. If this man got you pregnant, and you were "friends with benefits", he would still have to be a daddy no matter what. Feelings are going to develop with one, or both people, and it seems as though you already have begun to feel something.

 

I do not think that remaining in this situation is fair to you. I think you might do well to discuss how you feel with him. You two are fooling around, and when a person fools around with another person, he is having some type of relationship with that person. Ask him what he would do if you were to get pregnant and see what happens.

[Miss Thunderpants]

So this friends with benefits situation is not working out. We could see that from my last post.

 

Why is it eating at me so much? I’m nearly 30 for pete’s sake. Maybe I thought I could handle it. Maybe it’s because I’m developing feelings for a guy who’s not available to me. It also bugs me that we can get along so great and have so much in common, yet he can talk to me about other women as though I’m his buddy. I can’t do this anymore because the thought that he’s probably doing the horizontal bop with other women gets to me.

 

I want him to still be in my life (no, I’m not hoping he will change and oneday want me, that’s just ridiculous) because honestly, I can’t tell you the last time I got along with a person so well. But I don’t want to see him because I’m attracted to him and I don’t want to get intimate with him again. I don’t want to hear about other girls he’s been with in the past. I feel a bit torn actually, because I really value the rapport we have when sex isn’t involved e.g. over the phone, or just general conversation when we’re out. It really is something I haven't experienced in a long, long time with another guy.

 

This is getting me really down to the point where I feel like I need a good cry. I’m actually upset that I got into this situation thinking I could handle it. I’m upset that I’m attracted to him. I’m upset that we haven’t spoken for over a month. I feel a bit lost to be honest.

 

He hasn’t deceived me or anything. We were both upfront from the start.

 

Most of our FWB relationship has been based on excellent communication between the two of us. It hasn’t been based on sex. We’ve only had sex once (and everything but sex on another occasion) but I just don’t know what to do. Should I call him for a chat? What do I say?

 

FWB is worse when you don’t know what you want :-(

[Stellar]

I hear ya Miss Thunderpants, I hear ya (cool name by the way....do you fart a lot or something?? ). I'm in a very similar situation myself, having not heard from him for just on 3 weeks now.

 

I don't think I can really offer any advice except to say that friends with benefits is difficult. I do agree that it's even more difficult when you don't know what you want. I sometimes find myself thinking that the intimacy I get from friends with benefits makes me long for a boyfriend, then I think that it's good to have the intimacy and sex without the relationship strings attached. You really do swing between the posts when you don't know what you want.

 

Either way I find myself stuffed right now - not sure I want a boyfriend (but want intimacy), but find myself getting attached from the intimacy I get. I too get along with my friend like a house on fire. We get along so well and have such awesome communication that one night, when were in a cab on the way back to his place (the first time we went out), the cab driver asked us how long we'd been married for. I thought it was quite funny at the time.

 

I really don't know what to say, except that I can empathise with you. We know what we're getting ourselves into (well, I've been there before), yet we don't know what to do with it. And it's conflicting when you actually have a really good friendship and rapport and don't want to lose that.

 

What do you do, eh?

 

P.S. Take a leaf out of my book and hit the town on the weekend. There's plenty of nice guys out there to gawk at

[sami]

FWB simply means no formal committment from either side. Partners get together when they need each other most ( shoulder to cry on or sexual relief). It simply means no one should go out of his way for the other otherwise it is not FWB at all. Either party is as free as a bird to go wherever he/she wants and to do whatever he/she likes. No question asked and no answer expected. Further, no one has any right to complain of any from of inconvenience. Simply put! If you don't like it that way just walk away. You do not need to tell anybody. In my own humble opinion, FWB is the most abusive kind of human relations I have ever known. It works well for boys who want to move around with as many young and nice-looking girls as possible w/o costing them anything materially or emotionally. Female human system do not work that way. It may be very exciting at the beginning but it will leave you with a terrible negative feeling of confusion and tension to say the least. This feeling will continue to grow from inside you. It'll develop in buried anger, frustration and disappoinment to eventually drive you creasy unless you both decide to either commit or you let go. You will soon discover that every good and positive thing you have been thinking and saying saying about your " wonderful" man is baseless and false. Thank God you are smart and mature enough to communicate and understand. It is your choice Ms FWB.

[EC]

I agree with some of what Sami says..

 

FWB is not for everyone. There is no commitment and its like how I like to call it "renting" a person. You rent them out for a while and then when your done you return them.

 

Your guy just went through a break up and misses the comfort of having someone always there, the sex, and the comfort level that you have with a bf/gf.

 

You keep going on and on about what a connection you have but you would have to have some sort of connection in oreder to sleep with that person right?

 

The problem with FWB is that one person no matter how hard you try not to will develop feelings and that's when things get difficult. Think about it your giving yourself to a person, committment or not, and when that person moves on or doesn't call you get a feeling of rejection..even though "its not supposed to bother you". You start to associate that sex "good feeling" with that person and so ytou get confused to how you feel about that person.

 

I think he wants to be single he told you he's enjoying it and no you are not going to change his mind. Your one of many stepping stones to come for him.

 

I think you really need to stop the FWB because it's affecting you emotionally and that defeats the whole purpose of having an FWB. It happens and I know because it happened to me and I was confused and not thinking clearly and once I took myself out of the situation I thought to myself

"What was I thinking? "

 

So anyways..I think you are getting "attatched" and need to get away. Thats another thing with FWB..you spend time with them and are getting everything you "think" you need from them that you feel somewhat satisfied and so you stop looking for someone. You stop looking for someone that could actually give you a real relationship and give you what you want.

[findinmyway]

I only have a second....just wanted to say your name rocks!!!

[deb0735]

Casual sex more or less is sex without any real responsibility for the heart or spirit of the other person. You call when you have an urge.

 

FWB is a Friend who treats you like a friend, but on occassion will engage in sex with you. The key seems to be---do they treat you like a true friend. Do they remember things like your birthday? Do they call just to talk? Or, do they seem to 'forget' to call you when they say they will? Do they change when they want to have sex, ie saying kind/loving things to make you think they respect you as a friend? If you don't feel respected and honored as a friend, then you may be in a casual sexual relationship.

[netrie]

we only had sex once (and everything but sex on another occasion) but I just don’t know what to do.

 

 

 

YOU ONLY HAD SEX ONE TIME? This guy is just NOT into you at all. It sounds like he is leaning towards the FRIENDSHIP ONLY clause of a relationship. Why do you call it FWB? It is not...

 

This guy is not interested in you romanitcally at all-----if he had sex with you ONE time and never calls you, he is telling you something!

 

Please forget him and find some "help" to get a hold of yourself and your self-esteem...

 

Good luck and do not call him---NEVER. You deserve so much better than this stuff.

[sully35rq]

Ok let me tell you from a males point of view!! Im 33 and met a girl who is the same age as me!! we both are single parents!! well we hit it off pretty good, I spent some time with her, before I had to go back home!! i was visiting some family when I met her!! we did not have sex at all while I was up in MA, im currently in Texas!! anyways I leave, and the next day when I get home she calls, so we started talking, almost everyday!! hours on end!! then to my surprise she purchased tickets to come down and see me!! let me tell you my ego went threw the roof!! anyways while she was down her we had tremendous sex!! we clicked liked there ws no tomorrow!! anyways she did this twice coming down to see me for a week at a time!! well I decided to go up there for a week a stay with her, but things went south, she was seeing another guy while I was down in texas!! she would call this guy while I was sitting in front of her!! after we had just gotten done with sex!! so I asked her why did you sleep with me if you want to see this other guy!! "because your great in bed" here I am thinking that she loves me and all that crap!! now she just wants to be friends!! ohh we had a pretty bad fight before I left, in fact I left without her knowing!! we were hating each other for about a week!! it took me awhile to actually sit down and think about what was all involved in out relationship!! SEX.. we have great sex together and she told me flat out while I was up there, thats all she wanted out of me!! even when she was sleeping with this other guy!! so I came to my senses and said to myself!! why do I want to throw all that we have done together away, we still talk to each other and I would want more than anything to remain friends with her!! and even if she is in another relationship she knows who she can turn to get her rocks off!! trust me it took me awhile to get over my heartache but I put two and two together and this is where I stand!! ohh yes i thought about totally giving her up!! but me and her have so much in common!! and we get along great!! to me fwb are no big deal!! just try to keep your heart open and make sure you tell your friend your feelings at any time!! trust me it will save your relationship! life is too short to go around hating people!!! I have learned that much, but I still have allott more to learn!!