Draco Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Sup guys, Wanted to bring up an annoying habbit that my gf has and see what you guys think. Everytime she enters a new environment (ie. new job, grad school, etc.) she always somehow manages to get one really close male friend and somehow always talks about him to me. Most recently, I noticed this one guy friend's name just randomly pops up in our conversation. For example, when we'd be watching baseball, she'd be so-and-so really likes baseball. When we walk pass a restaurant or something, she'd be like...so-and-so comes to this restaurant all the time. Now I can appreciate and respect her friendship with this guy, but please, it is pretty damn annoying to keep hearing about some other dude. My take is that my gf needs to feel secure by doing this since she is insecere, or she really has strong feelings for this guy and is unconsciously mentioning him all the time, or maybe she just feels the need to constantly test me and keep me on my toes. My question is: 1.what is your general take on this situation? Is it common? 2.how should I handle it so I appear confident at the same time expresses my frustration? I would appreciate any opinions or personal accounts of similary situation! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Hello, I think it is would be very irritating for that to continue to happen. I would suggest the following to cure her of this happen. Makes friends with some girl on a superficial level. Everytime she brings up this other guy you respond that this girl likes something very similiar. See how she likes a dose of her own medicine. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Aww, it's cute. She likes you. With girls, nothing is 'random'. Everything she says to you is calculated and has been run through a complex payoff matrix that would put Pascal to shame. She does it to get a rise out of you. She wants to remind you that you're not the only one who finds her attractive and desirable and worthy of time. I guess there's an element of insecurity, but guys do it too, in way less intelligent ways. You could tell her that you totally know what she's doing, and she'd deny it, and it would ruin her fun, and lead to scapegoating, and the emergence of other issues--or-- you could just let her have her fun, maybe even bait her with a bit of nondestructive jealousy, and be secure enough to know if she wasn't into you, she wouldn't bring it up. If it makes you feel any better, it's entirely possible that this guy doesn't exist at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Confissledone Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Well dude, I had a similar thing happen with my girl...I noticed she always mentioned this guy lookin scary and acting weird and everything in school and she always mentioned it, since we went to the same school. About a month later I found out that they were talking and went to the movies behind my back and she never told me. I'm just letting you know what happened in my case and I am not saying this will or is happening to you but just watch out. My give said negative things about him so she assumed I wouldn't suspect, which I didnt. Sorry I didnt really answer your questions, If I think of any other things to answer your questions, I'll let you know. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Be VERY wary. This happened to my best friend in college, his girlfriend had a class with a guy and she talked about him quite a bit, and apparently they had an "inappropriate relationship" which my best friend didn't know about until they were married. I say screw it, be up front about it with her. You have a bad feeling because it's a bad situation. Your gut could be right. Tell her it bothers you that she talks about it all the time and ask her if she's interested in this guy. I guaranTEE you that she'd be bothered if the shoe was on the other foot. "Oh my friend Rebecca loves coming to this place. Oh, my friend Rebecca has that shirt! Oh, my friend Rebecca uses those tampons!" Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin Be VERY wary. "Oh my friend Rebecca loves coming to this place. Oh, my friend Rebecca has that shirt! Oh, my friend Rebecca uses those tampons!" Tampons. I've got to remember that one. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Not a big deal. Check your other thread. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Don't say that. It COULD potentially be a big deal. And it could potentially not be. But definitely don't dismiss it as nothing because it could be something. I've seen this happen to a close friend of mine, EXACTLY as it is described here. "Oh, Rafe goes there! Oh, today Rafe said the funniest thing." etc. and ended up having a trist with him. Is that not a big deal? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Draco Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 Dyermaker, I appreciate your comments. First of all, it's the first positive one. If you noticed, my other thread has lots of guys warning me to trust my gut feelings and all... I like you comments b/c they are very cohenrent and seem to make sense. Especially since this seem to be a costant theme with my girl, i think it may very well be true she just needs attention. But my problem is, how do you reconcile between a real red flag and a benign one that you described? And btw, the dude is not made up, he is one of those flirtatious popular guys at her school...very very annoying. Also, please let me know if have any other practical advise just so I can internally deal with this irritating dude's name popping up so often thanks bud! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 It could be a big deal, I just believe there's not enough information to freak out. I mentioned payoff matrixes in my post, so I might as well do one here: Values: -2 = Effect of making a big deal of nothing on relationship 1 = Effect of not being insecure about it +/- 5 = Effect of infidelity [_____________] [Tryst] [Flattery] [___Big Deal___] [5]_____ [-2] [_Not A Big deal_] [-5]_____[1] Total : 0, -1 The bigger payoff would be in not making a big deal out of it, unless there is other evidence of infidelity. Remember that personal anecdotes, especially from a relationship forum, aren't going to be as helpful as thinking rationally because a story of relationship tragedy (infidelity) is much more memorable, and, in turn, anecdotal, than a story of making a big deal out of nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Ah...right... Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 She does it to get a rise out of you. She wants to remind you that you're not the only one who finds her attractive and desirable and worthy of time. Boy, if that's the case, this chick's bad news. Like that girl in Sixteen Candles. "There are dozens of guys who would line up to go out with me," or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Being female I agree with Kevin and Dyer.... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 If you're concerned about infidelity, keep a watch out for signs of infidelity, but this isn't enough of a case for it. Remember what I said in the other thread--people who have stories about this ending up to be a huge red flag are much more likely to retell their story to others than people who had this come up, but it turn out to be nothing. If your girl is the type who needs a lot of attention, she fits the profile of someone who'd play the game I mentioned above. If you choose to play the game back, make it in a comical enough manner that you don't appear half as threatened as you are. If she mentions she likes to wear flowery panties, confide in her that you heard "guy's name" likes to wear flowery panties too. Sieze your oppurtunity to make light of it. If she laughs, then she gets it, and you didn't look like an a**h***. If she's overly defensive of this guy, you might want to reexamine a relationship, either yours, or his. Originally posted by UCFKevin Boy, if that's the case, this chick's bad news. Like that girl in Sixteen Candles. Ha! Like Kevin wouldn't give his left nut to date Rachel Leigh Cook. If he's not already. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Oh man. For once, you're showing your age. You may wanna check out IMDB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Draco Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 Hey USFKev, I appreciate your comment. I definitely know that it could be a red flag or it could be a benign mind game like Dyer mentioned. Let's dissect this a little. I think given the fact that we DON'T know what exactly the nature of this annoying habbit it, I think I should just hold steadfast and be confident. I was wondering, did your friend start to question his gf about the guy? I think when guys start showing insecurities, it could very well drive the gf away even if in the beginning it was just her slight curiosity in the other guy. I think maybe if I start behaving like it's nothing to me when she mentions it, she could then maybe be pleasantly surprised at the confidence level and eventually drop the game or her interest in the other guy. By behaving like it's nothing...I think I generate confidence and a stronger sense of mystery then the other guy. Here's the thing though. I need you guys' help. I get so freakin' annoyed when I hear his name that it makes all of the above easier said than done. Can you give me some practical advice on how I can go about holding steadfast next time his name is mentioned? ...I sure hope it's not "oh, XX really likes to use this brand of condom!" ;p Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 http://www.hqp.free.fr/rlc/serie1/flag300-Rachel_Leigh_Cook_004.jpg Consider your nut given. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Shortbus, how can you agree with the both of us when we both have different opinions? Draco: Nope. He never questioned her. Never even saw anything wrong with it, even though I and the other members of our close knit group of friends did, and we told him our feelings and he blew it off. It was only when she got married that she told him about what happened with that guy. You're acting, though, you're pretending it's not bothering you when it really does. WHy should you have to do that at all? It sure as hell won't make YOU feel any better to pretend it doesn't bug you and pretend to be all confident when in reality you're wondering, "What the hell is up with this?" Be yourself. Don't pretend to be someone you aren't. The other shoe will drop eventually. ALways does. Maybe next time she mentions him, say, "He sounds like a cool dude. Maybe we could all hang out sometime." And take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Or, in other words: Rachel Leigh Cook wasn't in Sixteen Candles. She was probably two years old at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Shortbus, how can you agree with the both of us when we both have different opinions? She agrees with you, and goes " " to me, citing her female-ness. Few girls would admit they play this game. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Oh. I feel stupid. I wonder how I connected the two? Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 I'm not sure why women like to play this mind game. Even though 95% of the male population is going to have some issues about things like this they get mad at us when we say anything about it. I don't have any practical advice for you. I have experienced the same situation in my relationship with my wife and it always ends badly. She feels you don't trust her. In my situation it was a guy that didn't have "just friends" intentions, but by me knowing that, he didn't have to do much of anything to damage our relationship. All he had to do was just stay in the picture and I ended up causing problems in my marriage because my wife didn't see the situation the same way I did. It did alot of damage to our relationship and prevented us from getting things back on track alot. Everytime we started to make things better he would pop into the picture and destroy everything. Women think it is no big deal, but it is for most guys. I think you should make your concerns known, but don't be too pushy about it. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 The other guy will almost always not have "just friends" intentions. Hasn't anyone seen When Harry Met Sally?!? Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Tell her you are starting to be concerned she is always mentioning this guy....ask her if there is something you should worry about. Her reaction will tell you a lot, IMO. Also, she probably does not realize it's bugging you...once she knows it, she'll hopefully stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Draco Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 On the light note of Miss Cook, I would like to invite more female perspectives to all this! thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
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