?? Relationship Issues

[Niveah]

Seriously Advice Only Please:

I have been separated since August of last year,

from my husband of 12 years. I separated because there was infidelity on both sides. He reconnected with an old high school sweet heart through a social networking site, and continued to message her over the course of 3 years. When I first found the messages, I was outraged, I consider myself a very attractive, educated, hardworking professional who would not tolerate any cheating of any type. However, due to the fact that we had just had our 3rd daughter, I swept things under the rug and asked him to never contact her again. Well he did at various times. Although, he denied ever having a relationship with her or physical contact. Well I myself, began to venture out and had an affair. He found out and I felt that my life was pretty much over. I tried to reconcile with him and felt like I had broke my covenant with God as well as hurt my family. Little did I know until I read through some of his emails that he too at the same time had connected again with this girl.

 

So eventually I separated. I got my own place we shared custody of the kids and life was going okay. He would never sign the divorce papers though and became very obsessive, breaking my phone, becoming physically aggressive, and stalking to an extent. I had to quit the graduate program that I was enrolled in due to his demands of not watching the kids if I was not going to be with him. During our separation I met this man who I fell in love with and could see having a decent relationship with him. However, he was not much of a provider and had difficulty keeping a job. So I decided to enroll back into school, and felt the only way financially I would make it was to move back in with the husband. I put the divorce on hold and gave it a try again. We went through marriage counseling prior to this and I felt as though everything would be a little better. I ended the relationship with the other man.

 

Now I am back at home. I feel devastated now that I am no longer with the other guy. I feel that I have given up all of my freedom even though the husband allows me to go out occasionally. I work all week long and complete my school on the weekends and sometimes dread going home to him. He continuously craves physical intimacy between us in which I am so completely turned off that I do not feel I am romantically attracted to him at the least. I do not feel the way for him that I once felt. I love him as the father of my kids and feel that he is a great provider and father. But I also feel that he is obsessed with me, would do anything to make me happy. My kids seem thrilled that I am back home, but I feel like so much of my happiness is gone. I feel that I am sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of my kids and getting through school. I have a good job and could provide for myself on my own. But he turns into such a noncaring parent, person, monster when I am not with him. So to appease him, family, and kids, I am in a constant state of discontent. I feel happy though to attend family functions again with our family and doing the family thing such as cooking, watching movies, eating out, and vacations, but besides that I feel alone in my own hell. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[jesk]

I'm not sure I can be of any real help to you but my heart goes out to you in your situation. Have you tried to pray about it? God can change your heart/mind about your husband. If you really want to make it work with him, I suggest you give your marriage the good ole college try.

 

I know what it's like to not be attracted to someone you use to be attracted to. It was easy for me to turn him down, he was just my ex. Maybe you and hubby can do different things together, and you can try to remember why you loved him to begin with.

 

Good luck!

Edited July 2, 2013 by jesk
correct spelling error :/

[fibertype]

You better not feel like a victim, the situation has become such because of your act of cheating. Although he did message his exgirlfriend when you didn't want him to he didn't go out and cheat on you. What you did is not justified or lessened because he did that. You guys both went behind each other's back!

 

If you didn't go back to your husband and kids I would say you were running away from responsibility. You're having selfish thoughts and sound depressed after cheating on him and moving back in.

 

Take jesk's advice and maybe remember why you fell in love with your husband, why you said yes, and had kids with him.

 

He is trying to make things work out with you and he forgave you when you cheated. If he is still that into you after all that then you are so lucky in a way.

 

"But he turns into such a noncaring parent, person, monster when I am not with him" that can be applied to you as well if you did leave your family. But if you divorced and shared custody of the kids you wouldn't be living with him which is what you might've thought about doing but that doesn't mean it will definitely change the situation of the above quote. Think about yourself and divorce, think about everyone and possibilities.

 

I'm not saying you should stay with your family or you should leave them, just recognize these things and it'll give you insight into your decision which doesn't have to be soon. You don't want to act and finalize it then realize something pivotal you've missed spotting because of cloudy judgement.

 

Hm, you are happy doing family functions. Your family is so happy to have you as well. Think about why.

[pcplod]

I can't but disagree with the other posters.

 

Trust and respect have flown out the window and once gone, unless there are very peculiar circumstances, there is absolutely no way to recreate that. You have absolutely no trust in him, or respect for him. I suspect that he simply doesn't do trust and respect for anyone, never mind you. He is a control freak who will have what he wants, when he wants, as he wants. He will avoid confrontation over it if he can but if he can't he'll do it anyway.

 

God can offer you no advice on this subject, except the voices of the perverse, never was going to do anything else. Much better instead to go talk to a lawyer to find out what is what in your jurisdiction. If it helps tell yourself that is the advice of God.

 

The simple fact is that he doesn't need to divorce you because he can have his cake and eat it any time he likes. Why would divorce suit him under such circumstances? However, when he tires of you and it suits any new agenda he may have, he will divorce you at a drop of the hat and have no remorse about it whatsoever, except maybe for the financial impact on him.

 

PS. Why did you both marry one another in the first place? I suspect that he never really loved you or at least always had a candle for this other woman that he couldn't and can't let go. Yet you agreed to marry him in the first place? And I know, people make mistakes. I'm not judging you in asking the question. It just happens.