Can anyone provide assistance with XMM's parents

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Here is my dilemma. My affair has been over for 3 1/2 years, very catastrophic ending as many of you know. I have seen xMM once in the last three years (physically in the same location) and passing in cars a couple of times, but other than that - total NC other than a few weird online things.

 

We are all from the same hometown, his parents live in my town as does her mother. My inlaws and my parents - same town. xMM and his BS left the church long ago and I believe established themselves in another church 45 minutes away - they live out of town by 30 minutes and probably come back under cover of night (lol).

 

Anyway, I have been treated extremely ugly the past few years - worse actually now than in the first few month. His parents and hers attend the same church, I have gone off and on from time to time when my daughter is involved in something and my husband's parents attend one of the services there. We are now getting to the point where we are probably going to be going back to this church (where the whole debacle happened - pastors are now gone, there is a new pastor who completely disagrees with the handling of the situation) because my husband's parents are aging and he is feeling a desire to attend church with his parents and they need some help.

 

I actually went to church there a week ago and was treated horribly by his parents as was my daughter who is 16. I am beside myself. It is so time to let this all go. I am nowhere near their son, I don't impose myself in their life, etc, but they act as if I am totally to blame (he was so weak, you know) and I am uncertain as to what to do. A friend of mine suggested that I either approach them face to face and sincerely apologize or maybe even write a note.

 

I have considered that the next time I run into them face to face to say something like "I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced in this situation and my part in it and I hope that one day you will forgive me" - something like that. I wouldn't mind writing them a note, but I am concerned about how it will be received - like they would think there was an ulterior motive, when in reality I just want peace. Especially with my inlaws situation.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

Edited July 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Thread merge.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Well, if you haven't read my backstory, my xmm and I were leaders at church (on a worship team). When the affair was discovered the second time by my husband (first time was by his bs but she didn't want anyone to know), pastors got involved and read our names before church. Was a complete disaster, caused so many issues, lots of pain and took a long time for healing to happen. Because of their handling of the situation the pastors there at the time lost their jobs basically. There is a new pastor now which completely disagrees and thinks it was totally mishandled.

 

Anyway his parents and her mother continued there (this is a very long story), for whatever reason. In the initial few months they were very kind and gracious and even what I would call forgiving, but one of the pastors (closer in age to xmm) decided to take "sides" and became bbf's with xmm and in essence started making huge hits on my family (even my husband and kids) - again a very long story.

 

Anyway, I came face to face with his mother in a grocery store once about a year and a half later and she was pretty hateful - I tried to remain calm and kind and ask how things were going and she shouted "As good as could be expected under the circumstances" and I just told her to have a good day and she scooted out of the store as fast as she could. I ran into both of them Christmas Eve and I told his dad "Merry Christmas" and he said "HUMPH!" and moved on. Last week - completely ignored - I sat a few rows behind - they ignored my 16 year old who was there with the children because she helped with bible school that week. This is an extremely small service - maybe 60 people there - small sanctuary. Pretty hard during meet and greet to not see "new" people.

 

They can't forgive and maybe they never will, but it appears they like playing victim I guess. I don't know.

 

I just wondered if anyone had suggestions - like maybe I should send an apology note and see if that helps any. I have no animosity towards them. I loved them very much, I really did. I don't know what to do, if anything.

[beach]

Find a new church if you must go.

 

Expecting them to understand your bad behavior and make it ok? Maybe you expect too much of them.

 

I wouldn't engage in any communication - but that's just me...

 

You are the victim of your actions - unfortunately - there's consequences... And it looks like this is part of what your actions created...

[Pierre]

Well, if you haven't read my backstory, my xmm and I were leaders at church (on a worship team). When the affair was discovered the second time by my husband (first time was by his bs but she didn't want anyone to know), pastors got involved and read our names before church. Was a complete disaster, caused so many issues, lots of pain and took a long time for healing to happen. Because of their handling of the situation the pastors there at the time lost their jobs basically. There is a new pastor now which completely disagrees and thinks it was totally mishandled.

 

Anyway his parents and her mother continued there (this is a very long story), for whatever reason. In the initial few months they were very kind and gracious and even what I would call forgiving, but one of the pastors (closer in age to xmm) decided to take "sides" and became bbf's with xmm and in essence started making huge hits on my family (even my husband and kids) - again a very long story.

 

Anyway, I came face to face with his mother in a grocery store once about a year and a half later and she was pretty hateful - I tried to remain calm and kind and ask how things were going and she shouted "As good as could be expected under the circumstances" and I just told her to have a good day and she scooted out of the store as fast as she could. I ran into both of them Christmas Eve and I told his dad "Merry Christmas" and he said "HUMPH!" and moved on. Last week - completely ignored - I sat a few rows behind - they ignored my 16 year old who was there with the children because she helped with bible school that week. This is an extremely small service - maybe 60 people there - small sanctuary. Pretty hard during meet and greet to not see "new" people.

 

They can't forgive and maybe they never will, but it appears they like playing victim I guess. I don't know.

 

I just wondered if anyone had suggestions - like maybe I should send an apology note and see if that helps any. I have no animosity towards them. I loved them very much, I really did. I don't know what to do, if anything.

 

Go to another church.

 

Become a Catholic or Episcopalian. They are less judgmental.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Find a new church if you must go.

 

Expecting them to understand your bad behavior and make it ok? Maybe you expect too much of them.

 

I wouldn't engage in any communication - but that's just me...

 

You are the victim of your actions - unfortunately - there's consequences... And it looks like this is part of what your actions created...

 

I would totally agree with you, but as I said, my husband's parents are there - they have been members of this church for over 50 years and are aging rapidly and need assistance and I think my husband would like to attend with them.

 

I suppose I am, but there are other "sinners" that are being treated with compassion - I suppose I'm different.

 

At any rate, I am asking if a note of sincere apology might be helpful to open the door to some healing. If you can't help please don't post.

[Snowflower]

I know this kind of stinks for you and your H's reconciliation, but could he attend that church with his parents while you go to another church of your choice during that same time?

 

ETA...I wouldn't bother with the letter either. It won't make a difference.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

What a mess. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I really don't think a letter or a face to face apology will do much at this point. It's been over three years and they've obviously not forgiven you. What about finding another church? I can't imagine going to worship and dealing with all this drama. Again, so sorry, but I really don't think there is much you can do (outside of a public flogging) to appease these people. Some people just can't forgive.

 

Well, I think I was pretty publicly "flogged" - short of putting a scarlet A on my chest. He got to run away and I stayed (due to work commitments, house, business, etc) and faced it all. Even though those early days were hard, I found I had a great deal more support than I realized and I am stronger for having walked through it.

 

But, this is something that has been recommended by a few others in the church because then the ball is in their court.

 

Can anyone suggest a possible wording for something like this?

[MissBee]

I would totally agree with you, but as I said, my husband's parents are there - they have been members of this church for over 50 years and are aging rapidly and need assistance and I think my husband would like to attend with them.

 

I suppose I am, but there are other "sinners" that are being treated with compassion - I suppose I'm different.

 

At any rate, I am asking if a note of sincere apology might be helpful to open the door to some healing. If you can't help please don't post.

 

Perhaps you can ask your pastor to sit you both down for some mediation to work through these feelings? Maybe pastoral counseling will help. It is part of pastor's jobs to mediate conflict in the church and it's the Christian way to work out these kinds of dramas in a compassionate fashion.

 

Maybe you could write the apology and ask the pastor if he could set up a sit down between you and your husband and the parents, where you read your letter and try to come to a more peaceful existence. That may work better when you have the pastor there as mediator and may open up healing, versus if you just sent a letter.

 

If you don't want to do that, then you could simply send a letter and see how it goes. However, that's all you can do. If you've extended an olive branch, you can't make them take it. If after that they still want to ignore you and so on, then it's taking lots more energy and head space for them to do so and is hurting them as well...and all you can do is simply make peace with their decision to behave that way and just leave them to it.

[seren]

Maybe speak to the pastor and ask him/her to give a reading or lesson in forgiveness being a Christian thing to do. I don't imagine you speaking to them will do any good, in fact it might just kick off a scene, maybe ask the pastor to act as mediator. One of the thing that really pees me off with A's and religion is the hypocrisy of not practising what is preached, maybe the pastor is the way to go. TBH I don't think it is any of their business (it's XMM's parents right). I also don't see why anyone should not go to their church because of the actions of other churchgoers, that just smacks of bullying.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Go to another church.

 

Become a Catholic or Episcopalian. They are less judgmental.

 

I was raised Catholic (as in I no longer am); they certainly were not less judgmental. You must know some very laid-back ones...

 

 

Anyway OP: That is pretty dreadful. It's been over three years, and not only are they treating you like garbage, they're treating your husband and daughter that way as well?

 

Your husband and daughter have done nothing to deserve their callous attitudes.

 

I do have to wonder, though; why do you bother trying to greet them in public? Personally, I wouldn't. If I did, I'd fully expect their reactions.

 

You made a bad choice, sure; but I can't even begin to fathom why they're reacting so strongly. Did your affair result in the xMM being divorced, or are they reconciled? If the latter, there is absolutely no reason for them to keep carrying on this way. It is the past, it had nothing to do with them, and if you and your husband have been repairing things over the last 3 years, they need to move passed this situation.

 

If the former, then I could understand their attitudes.

 

Apologize to them if you feel it necessary, but frankly, I would just ignore them as they've ignored you. It's one thing for them to hate you-but their treatment of your family is every bit as unforgivable as the affair.

[Pierre]

I was raised Catholic (as in I no longer am); they certainly were not less judgmental. You must know some very laid-back ones...

 

 

 

Any religion would be judgmental, but Evangelical types tend to be more conservative and puritanical in the US bible belt. Maybe it is the other way in Canada. However, switching religions is a consideration. Episcopalians should be a consideration. Trying to go back to the same church is difficult.

 

Why did the priest of this church had to humiliate the affair participants? I say switch to another religion.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Any religion would be judgmental, but Evangelical types tend to be more conservative and puritanical in the US bible belt. Maybe it is the other way in Canada. However, switching religions is a consideration. Episcopalians should be a consideration. Trying to go back to the same church is difficult.

 

Why did the priest of this church had to humiliate the affair participants? I say switch to another religion.

 

True, most religions would be. I'm not sure if Catholics here are more so than the Evangelicals in the US bible belt. I do agree though, that switching may be the answer-unless the OP is strongly against it, and is very immersed in her faith.

 

This is why I opt for spiritualism, personally, over religion. There was no reason for them to publicly shame them like that; brings the dark ages to mind...

[JustAReformedGirl]

Stop apologizing. Don't ask for any more forgiveness, understanding, or civility. Why do you need to support your husband's supporting his aging parents? Does he support you in your 3 + years of public stoning? I'm pretty sure you do enough for them at home, would probably wipe their bottoms if the need arose. You do enough. Instead, you should plan an exit. While your 16 year old preps for college, you should make plans to abandon your husband and church. You don't have to do it. You can change your mind. But you have to practice private defiance. You have not forgiven yourself, which is why you allow this. Be the harlot who skipped town. The comfort you seek is no more there than it was in your A. Your church is hell on earth. Don't impale yourself on its spire. Seek out new horizons. This is some crazy-ass buuuuuullls&"t!!!

 

I would agree with this, if the OP's husband hasn't been defending her. I'm not sure whether she's said what her husband has been doing, or not.

 

And before anyone says it: if he decided he is reconciling with her, it is not right for him to allow the church and everyone else to treat her poorly. Reconciling means working together, and in their case, sticking by each other through thick and thin. If they weren't reconciling, then I wouldn't be making this point. It can be assumed though that they are, since they are still together, 3+ years after the fact. Again, this is only if he's allowed others to treat her poorly after all this time.

[MissBee]

I'm sorry but I don't think ignoring you in church or refusing to say Merry Christmas to you is actually treating you horribly. Maybe they think you are treating them horribly by repeatedly approaching them when they wish for you to leave them alone. They don't owe you anything and if they don't want to talk to you why should they have to? Maybe I'm misunderstanding but by reading your post it sounds like these parents don't actually do anything offensive or deliberate to offend you, they just don't want to talk to you and they shut you down when you insist on trying to approach them. Why can't you respect that they simply don't like you or wish to be friendly to you and just leave them alone? Let them ignore you and go about their lives. What's the big deal?

 

This was going to be my other comment, that what you've delineated, them ignoring you at church or saying "things are as well as can be in the circumstance" are not treating you badly. I thought you meant they called you names or went out of their way to be rude to you when they see you and harass you and so on. You talk to them and they answer curtly and if you don't talk to them, they simply don't talk to you. That's not being treated horribly in my opinion. It's them keeping their distance, which they're entitled to do. But my advice still stands if you feel that uncomfortable and want a more amicable relationship, you can try pastoral mediation.

[Pierre]

True, most religions would be. I'm not sure if Catholics here are more so than the Evangelicals in the US bible belt. I do agree though, that switching may be the answer-unless the OP is strongly against it, and is very immersed in her faith.

 

This is why I opt for spiritualism, personally, over religion. There was no reason for them to publicly shame them like that; brings the dark ages to mind...

 

For many a specific faith has some cultural value. Maybe that is why she wants that specific church. Spirituality without the church leaves the culture aspect out. Otherwise, I agree.

 

It may also be that she sees re-acceptance into this sect as part of her healing journey. Nevertheless, i am not fund of religious people that look down on others. I think Catholics and Episcopalians do it less. Just a thought for OP.

[PhoenixRise]

I would totally agree with you, but as I said, my husband's parents are there - they have been members of this church for over 50 years and are aging rapidly and need assistance and I think my husband would like to attend with them.

 

I suppose I am, but there are other "sinners" that are being treated with compassion - I suppose I'm different.

 

At any rate, I am asking if a note of sincere apology might be helpful to open the door to some healing. If you can't help please don't post.

 

 

Yes. To them you ARE different.

 

I don't think a note of apology will do you any good in terms of improving their attitude toward you.

 

I think you are going to need to grow thicker skin.

 

You can't control what they do, say, or think.

 

I get what it is to live in a small community and attend a small church and all the social pressure that brings. But 3 years later if I was determined to attend that church I would absolutely walk in there with my held high and a smile on my face. Even if I had to fake it. I would warmly greet anyone there who loved and supported me and I would absolutely ignore XMM parents. No good morning greetings. No holiday wishes. Not even a smile in their direction. During meet and greet I would just meet and greet the other 58 people in attendance.

 

Maybe I'm just more comfortable having enemies than you are. But I think if you Won't / can't change your church, then you are going to have to change the way you let them affect you.

 

Good luck.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I was raised Catholic (as in I no longer am); they certainly were not less judgmental. You must know some very laid-back ones...

 

 

Anyway OP: That is pretty dreadful. It's been over three years, and not only are they treating you like garbage, they're treating your husband and daughter that way as well?

 

Your husband and daughter have done nothing to deserve their callous attitudes.

 

I do have to wonder, though; why do you bother trying to greet them in public? Personally, I wouldn't. If I did, I'd fully expect their reactions.

 

You made a bad choice, sure; but I can't even begin to fathom why they're reacting so strongly. Did your affair result in the xMM being divorced, or are they reconciled? If the latter, there is absolutely no reason for them to keep carrying on this way. It is the past, it had nothing to do with them, and if you and your husband have been repairing things over the last 3 years, they need to move passed this situation.

 

If the former, then I could understand their attitudes.

 

Apologize to them if you feel it necessary, but frankly, I would just ignore them as they've ignored you. It's one thing for them to hate you-but their treatment of your family is every bit as unforgivable as the affair.

 

As far as I know they are still together. That is what is weird and my husband agrees. If things are rosey and they are okay, why act in such a hateful way? It makes no sense. Even if things weren't okay, if I were then I would ACT as if they were. It leads me to think things really aren't for whatever reason. I am nowhere near their son. My husband and I are still together right now - trying to work things out albeit it hard - but their behavior doesn't make it easier.

[HopingAgain]

I'm sorry but I don't think ignoring you in church or refusing to say Merry Christmas to you is actually treating you horribly. Maybe they think you are treating them horribly by repeatedly approaching them when they wish for you to leave them alone. They don't owe you anything and if they don't want to talk to you why should they have to? Maybe I'm misunderstanding but by reading your post it sounds like these parents don't actually do anything offensive or deliberate to offend you, they just don't want to talk to you and they shut you down when you insist on trying to approach them. Why can't you respect that they simply don't like you or wish to be friendly to you and just leave them alone? Let them ignore you and go about their lives. What's the big deal?

 

This, exactly. You cannot force these people to forgive you, or even be cordial with you in order to assuage your guilt. Forgive yourself, move on, leave these people alone and if it would help you feel better, find another church.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm sorry but I don't think ignoring you in church or refusing to say Merry Christmas to you is actually treating you horribly. Maybe they think you are treating them horribly by repeatedly approaching them when they wish for you to leave them alone. They don't owe you anything and if they don't want to talk to you why should they have to? Maybe I'm misunderstanding but by reading your post it sounds like these parents don't actually do anything offensive or deliberate to offend you, they just don't want to talk to you and they shut you down when you insist on trying to approach them. Why can't you respect that they simply don't like you or wish to be friendly to you and just leave them alone? Let them ignore you and go about their lives. What's the big deal?

 

I don't approach them EVER. I ran into her at a grocery store - came around the corner and we were face to face. At Christmas, I passed him and spoke - AT CHRISTMAS!. Whenever I am in church, I sit in the back, I am courteous, I do not invite conversation.

 

And I'm certain you don't understand where we live or how small it is. We all have to exist together - the town is less than 1000. We all live in the same community and believe me others have been through this and have faired FAR better - in fact have been forgiven.

 

I only brought this up because a friend of mine suggested that I write a note of apology and maybe that would start the road of healing.

 

Revolutionary Road - your post rocks.

[JustAReformedGirl]

As far as I know they are still together. That is what is weird and my husband agrees. If things are rosey and they are okay, why act in such a hateful way? It makes no sense. Even if things weren't okay, if I were then I would ACT as if they were. It leads me to think things really aren't for whatever reason. I am nowhere near their son. My husband and I are still together right now - trying to work things out albeit it hard - but their behavior doesn't make it easier.

 

I have to ask the question everyone else has been pondering-are they simply just ignoring you and giving curt replies? If so, I know it's difficult to hear, but you do need a thicker skin. It's better not to exchange any words with them, at all. If there is more to this than just curt replies and the silent treatment, what else have they been doing?

 

When it comes to ignoring, I find it rude that they do this to your daughter; she is in no way involved with what occurred 3+ years ago.

 

But, like I said; if this is the case, it's best to ignore them, too. They want to be callous toward you? Fine. But there is no justification for them acting so coldly toward your daughter. However, they will do as they please, so you're all better off not even acknowledging their existence.

 

The previous pastors outing you and the entire affair as they did is despicable, in my opinion. What sect of Christianity are you a part of?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have to ask the question everyone else has been pondering-are they simply just ignoring you and giving curt replies? If so, I know it's difficult to hear, but you do need a thicker skin. It's better not to exchange any words with them, at all. If there is more to this than just curt replies and the silent treatment, what else have they been doing?

 

When it comes to ignoring, I find it rude that they do this to your daughter; she is in no way involved with what occurred 3+ years ago.

 

But, like I said; if this is the case, it's best to ignore them, too. They want to be callous toward you? Fine. But there is no justification for them acting so coldly toward your daughter. However, they will do as they please, so you're all better off not even acknowledging their existence.

 

The previous pastors outing you and the entire affair as they did is despicable, in my opinion. What sect of Christianity are you a part of?

 

It's just ignoring, treating me like I have the plague (like some sort of spirit will rub off on them - idk), the hmmph I got at Christmas after him actually telling the pastor they would be fine if I came back to church - NOT. As far as my daughter is concerned, they used to come up to her and hug her and talk to her (even after the fact), now they ignore her completely. You are probably right - maybe it's just over-sensitivity on my part.

 

Anyway, it was just a suggestion my friend had to actually apologize and maybe it would help the healing process. My gut said it wouldn't matter if I apologized or not, it would be seen as some sort of ulterior motive - that's why I asked for help in possibly wording something.

 

It's a major denomination - you can choose between Lutheran, Methodism, Presbyterian, etc. - I won't name it specifically. But, the public outing is not something that this denomination does - it was something these pastors decided to do.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Again, they don't want to be friendly with you and they wish to ignore you. That is not treating you horribly. If my son cheated on his wife and then reconciled with her I would not be in any way friendly with the OW in that situation. How would my daughter-in-law feel if she saw me having a friendly chat with the OW in the local grocery store or giving her big warm Merry Christmas greetings at church? No way. Wouldn't happen. Not because I can't forgive or because I'm acting like a victim (I believe you said something earlier about the parents acting like victims because they won't be friendly to you), but simply because I can't think of any good reason for why I would choose to be friendly with the OW who became involved in an affair with my son. An affair that hurt lots of people and threatened the happiness and security of my grandchildren. I think it would be nuts for me to remain in friendly contact with the OW and I'd think she would be nuts if she expected that from me. and it would be an obstacle to healing and letting the past become the past.

 

The MM's parents are probably just as upset about this new situation as you are. They want to move on and they don't want to be friends with you. They have every right to feel that way and they have every right to ignore you. If you're going to attend their church than please just leave them be. Let them ignore and you can just ignore them back.

 

I get that. But this isn't just THEIR church. This is my inlaws church for over 50 years (they just started coming here maybe 7 years ago), my husband's church since he was born, my church, my kids' church (all baptized there and one married there), etc. Most people wonder why they just haven't moved on to another church.

 

I guess we will just ignore each other.

 

But that really wasn't my question - my question was what to say in an apology letter so I can at least say what I need to say and offer up some apology - their choice to accept or not.

[JustAReformedGirl]

It's just ignoring, treating me like I have the plague (like some sort of spirit will rub off on them - idk), the hmmph I got at Christmas after him actually telling the pastor they would be fine if I came back to church - NOT.

 

I don't understand why they said they'd be fine with it, only to turn around and act differently.

 

As far as my daughter is concerned, they used to come up to her and hug

her and talk to her (even after the fact), now they ignore her completely. You

are probably right - maybe it's just over-sensitivity on my part.

 

It's unfair in regards to your daughter. As to over-sensitivity, I don't entirely blame you for that; but I really don't think there's anything more you can do for your family or yourself, at this point.

 

Anyway, it was just a suggestion my friend had to actually apologize and maybe

it would help the healing process. My gut said it wouldn't matter if I

apologized or not, it would be seen as some sort of ulterior motive - that's why

I asked for help in possibly wording something.

 

I'd say go with your gut on this one; by the sound of it, it won't change anything.

 

It's a major denomination - you can choose between Lutheran, Methodism, Presbyterian, etc. - I won't name it specifically. But, the public outing is not something that this denomination does - it was something these pastors decided to do.

 

Sorry, I wasn't trying to make it sound like whatever denomination you're part of is prone to this; I figured it would just be these pastors (since your current one doesn't agree with their methods) with an more extremist view.

 

Best of luck with things; whatever you decide to do, I hope things smooth over.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think it's fairly common during reconciliation for the wandering spouse to join 'teams' with their BS and completely denigrate the affair partner, putting ALL the blame on that person. Both of them focusing their hatred and blame on the OW or OM creates a kind of psuedo 'united front' for them, a shared commonality by which they can vent their anger outside of each other.

 

No doubt, over the last 3 years, your ex-MM has managed to paint himself as a complete 'victim' of you, and you the aggressor. He probably told them you were relentless and that you blackmailed him into continuing the affair or you'd expose him to his wife. These liars have absolutely NO limits and no bounds to the lies they'll tell in order to save their own pitiful asses when it all hits the fan.

 

And no doubt, these hideous 'truths' were told throughout the family, causing them to see you as some kind of soul sucking she devil.

 

In all fairness, the BS and both sets of parents only know what they were told by him. They believe him.

 

That's why I don't believe for a nano-second they're going to become all forgiving after the probably heinous things he's told them about you. I actually think you're better off with these people ignoring you. It's better than them calling you hideous names in front of your kid(s) and the congregation.

 

Honestly? I wouldn't 'fix' it if it ain't broken, and silence is GOLDEN.

 

Thank you for this - this I believe is EXACTLY what has happened (even though he said it never would). I, on the other hand, never painted him as anything other than 50 percent of the issue. I never blamed him for anything (although he did pursue me in my husband's home, under his wife's nose and she knew about the affair for 3 months BEFORE my husband and didn't want anyone to know and still continued to come to my house, we went to dinner, etc.) - these are things that I am certain that they do not know. I had letters (my husband read them) that I could have given to his parents but I didn't. I protected him more than he protected me I guess - my bad.

 

Anyway, you might be right....

[2sure]

Stop apologizing. Don't ask for any more forgiveness, understanding, or civility. Why do you need to support your husband's supporting his aging parents? Does he support you in your 3 + years of public stoning? I'm pretty sure you do enough for them at home, would probably wipe their bottoms if the need arose. You do enough. Instead, you should plan an exit. While your 16 year old preps for college, you should make plans to abandon your husband and church. You don't have to do it. You can change your mind. But you have to practice private defiance. You have not forgiven yourself, which is why you allow this. Be the harlot who skipped town. The comfort you seek is no more there than it was in your A. Your church is hell on earth. Don't impale yourself on its spire. Seek out new horizons. This is some crazy-ass buuuuuullls&"t!!!

 

As a recovering catholic, this was Inspiring!!