Can anyone provide assistance with XMM's parents

[pureinheart]

I agree with alexandria.

 

Lilmiss, can you please clarify? Are xMM's parents ignoring you and "treating you like the plague" and answering curtly OR are they spreading rumors and lies and gossip about you?

 

The two are very different. If they are just avoiding you and not being friendly, that's not treating you horribly, and contrary to what pureinheart suggested, that is NOT bullying and being a "hater" (lol how can you be a hater because you choose not to be friendly with your son's former OW??? ). So please clarify.

 

Granted hater was a bit much of which I clarified. The two are different and both were communicated.

 

One states, "I don't like you and wish to avoid you", which IMO should be respected. The other states, "I don't have the guts to speak to your face, and feel the need to rally those around me to share in my discontent".

 

The latter is a form of bullying.

[crederer]

Everyone in this story sounds very religious, indeed.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I will try to explain a little. The associate pastor (28 at the time) who was involved in this public outing was a long time family friend of ours. In fact (this is ironic), my husband was on the board when the church started experiencing growth and this guy was fresh out of seminary and we were old friends of his parents and like I said I basically diapered this boy - he was friends with my son, etc. So based on his knowledge, his seeming love for god and people, he seemed like a fit for the church. He was very charismatic and seemed like what the church needed for growth. We really took care of him during this time. We provided free housing for him for over a year, he came in and out of our house, late nights, ate with us, drank with us, we provided cars when his broke down and housed his fiancee, etc. but during that time there were about 35 people that he offended and left the church. We believed what he told us and thought these people were leaving because of their inability to conform with the direction of the church. These were long time residents of town (this pastor was not) and we were duped. Now both my husband and I wonder what the real story was, but that's another topic.

 

Anyway, new lead pastor comes in who is only about 5 years older than this guy and he seems a good fit too, but people are leaving the church right and left (although new ones were coming) and it mostly had to do with the way these guys were treating people (it was a boys club mentality). We were sort of on the inside and couldn't really see what was happening. Actually right before my affair got into full swing, my husband who was the head of the board that hires and fires basically started to be concerned about these people leaving the church and began making phone calls to find out and it started to be concerning - the things they would say about how they were treated by the pastor staff. Still, the smoke blowing by the associate especially continued.

 

Also, this associate absolutely loved my xom - in fact there are many of us that think this guy is a closet gay (this is just a side note).

 

So, when everything blew up with me, this guy was obviously very disappointed and angry. He was the deciding factor really when our names were read before the congregation. My husband was deeply hurt, he had no real confidants or friends to talk to and he considered this associate like a son, so he would talk with him and in the end every time this guy came into my house, my husband would get so angry - he was constantly bringing anger - probably because he really wasn't equipped to dealing with anything like this. At the same time he was trying to counsel the other couple/family. It was really a disaster.

 

After about 6 months or so, things seemed to be getting better relationship wise with this guy and his now wife. XOM and his wife had moved to another church, but the parents kept on coming to this one. During this time, more stuff was going on and people were leaving the church like flies. It started to become more apparent that these two leaders were not good leaders at all. If people left, they didn't try to find out why, they just felt like it was separating wheat from the tares - good riddance, basically. Now mind you during these months, xom's father and his wife had been courteous, I had exchanged a few emails with his mother and they were loving, they were sweet with my daughter when they saw her and one of the last things xom wanted me to do was set up a meeting with his sister because she was confused and we had gotten close during that time and so I had mentioned to his mother I would love to sit down and talk with her. She said she needed time and I gave that to her but about two months later, I figured we weren't going to meet, so I just wrote her a note apologizing for any hurt I had caused her and assuring her that anything she had shared with me I had not shared with anyone. She immediately emailed me back and wanted to meet - so we set up a time. A few days later this rogue pastor was in our house and I overheard him talking with my husband and he was angry again and I heard him shout "I told xom's sister NOT to meet with her". So, when it came time for the day of the meeting I texted her to confirm and she came up with an excuse as to why she couldn't. I knew then he had intervened in that. Later we had a conversation and I confronted him on that and he said he hadn't told her that and I told him I had overheard the conversation with my husband where he had said that. And then he told me she didn't want to meet with me anyway. I said that was strange since she was the one that contacted me and set up the meeting.

 

Then about 10 months after the name reading, XOM's father calls my husband. He is now on the board and in charge of pastor hiring and firing and he was put there by these two pastors. The congregation wants the pastors gone and he has no experience with this stuff, knows my husband does and basically he was put there to "save" the pastors' jobs (which ended up failing btw) and says that the church is in a financial and spiritual crisis and people are spreading false accusations about the pastors (in reality his father had drank the koolaide too and wasn't listening to what the people were saying). So he thinks my husband can help. So my husband meets with xom's father, the pastors, etc and basically tells them that it's a perception issue on the part of the congregation. He tells them that it can be fixed, but they basically need to stand up in front of the congregation and apologize and admit where they are falling short and agree to listen and change. They didn't want to hear that - the associate says that it's good these people have left, they don't bring anything to the church anyway and then says they need to tell the congregation to give more money (People were witholding their giving because it was the only way they could get the board to listen and tell them they wanted these guys gone).

 

After that meeting, something changed. This associate pastor blocked my husband on facebook, blocked my kids, stopped taking our calls, essentially cut us out of his life. And then full force infused himself into xOm's life. He eventually "resigned" about 4 months later because he saw the writing on the wall - the money wasn't there to pay his salary.

 

This guy is a gossip (it is widely known in this town). He harmed a lot of people and my family cannot understand it. I understand why he would be hurt by my actions, but my husband and kids did nothing to him and to all of a sudden choose a family you have known for 3 years over one you have known since birth - it was hurtful to say the least. Also my niece and nephew hang out with them too - we have done nothing but be kind to them, but they no longer return phone calls or anything. My husband's father just had surgery and they do not know - they live 20 minutes away. My daughter invited them to her birthday party last year and invited their newly adopted son who is about the same age to get to know the family and they acted like they might come, but never showed up, never even called. It's very interesting to me that xom's wife wants these people around because they wouldn't even know them if it wasn't for me - so they have to be constant reminders of me.

 

Anyway, after that meeting with Xom's father, this is when the behavior went south. They went from treating us all fairly well under the circumstance to treating us like crap. And you know what, the week after our names were read, xom's father came up to my husband at church and said "it was xom's pride and arrogance that caused this" - so at the time he was placing all blame squarely on his son's shoulder. But after that meeting, something really changed. And we all believe it has to do with this rogue pastor.

 

Our feeling is if he were not in the mix, this could have been resolved and between the families it could have been on the road to healing much much faster. But he is the one that keeps it going.

 

I could provide more information but this is already a long read. I hope that helps you guys understand a little more my heartache over this whole thing.

 

It's a mess.

Edited July 5, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[The Way I Am]

Thanks for sharing details. I'm still not clear on whether xMM's parents are spreading lies and rumors about you.

 

What I gather is that they were initially being nice but you think the former associate pastor poisoned them against you. Unfortunately, you can't control what influence other people will have on your xMM and those around him. It doesn't matter why they don't want to be friendly with you. You should just accept that they don't and stop trying to seek validation from them. It seems like you want everything to go back to the way it was pre-affair instead of accepting the ramifications.

 

If the xMM's parents are in fact spreading lies and bullying you, then you should ask for a mediation with you current pastor and ask them to stop for the sake of your daughter. But understand they don't have to be friendly to you or your family.

 

Also, you said you already wrote them an apology note. I don't see why another would help.

[spice4life]

Lilmisscantbwrong, the details do not really matter; the only thing that does is you worrying about what others are thinking. Who cares if they are spreading rumors? If you are working to understand the message in this, so you can learn and evolve as a person, then that is all that matters. They are not living your life - you are. Continue on your path to healing and growing from this experience and the rest will not matter.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Of course I am to blame also - never said I wasn't. And yes they have a right to choose to not be a part of their lives and I don't want that - that was not what I was asking for nor was it the initial question. Someone wanted more detail, I gave it.

 

I only asked about whether writing an apology note would be the way to go considering the circumstances we are in only because a friend suggested I do this. I was thinking to myself that it would not be the way to go because I felt like it would not be received well. I just wanted to get some outside advice.

 

The only thing I would say is if they don't need to be nice to my family, then he (xom's father) should step down from leadership as well because his job is "pastor/parish relations". He is (and was) too close to the situation to make good decisions - the very reason my husband stepped down immediately after it all blew up.

 

Thanks for your responses - I think I have my answers.

[So happy together]

Here is my dilemma. My affair has been over for 3 1/2 years, very catastrophic ending as many of you know. I have seen xMM once in the last three years (physically in the same location) and passing in cars a couple of times, but other than that - total NC other than a few weird online things.

 

We are all from the same hometown, his parents live in my town as does her mother. My inlaws and my parents - same town. xMM and his BS left the church long ago and I believe established themselves in another church 45 minutes away - they live out of town by 30 minutes and probably come back under cover of night (lol).

 

Anyway, I have been treated extremely ugly the past few years - worse actually now than in the first few month. His parents and hers attend the same church, I have gone off and on from time to time when my daughter is involved in something and my husband's parents attend one of the services there. We are now getting to the point where we are probably going to be going back to this church (where the whole debacle happened - pastors are now gone, there is a new pastor who completely disagrees with the handling of the situation) because my husband's parents are aging and he is feeling a desire to attend church with his parents and they need some help.

 

I actually went to church there a week ago and was treated horribly by his parents as was my daughter who is 16. I am beside myself. It is so time to let this all go. I am nowhere near their son, I don't impose myself in their life, etc, but they act as if I am totally to blame (he was so weak, you know) and I am uncertain as to what to do. A friend of mine suggested that I either approach them face to face and sincerely apologize or maybe even write a note.

 

I have considered that the next time I run into them face to face to say something like "I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced in this situation and my part in it and I hope that one day you will forgive me" - something like that. I wouldn't mind writing them a note, but I am concerned about how it will be received - like they would think there was an ulterior motive, when in reality I just want peace. Especially with my inlaws situation.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

 

 

Just one. Never, ever, EVER put anything in writing like that. It could be held against you later. I know it's been over for a long time, but still, just don't.