Can anyone provide assistance with XMM's parents

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand why those pastors outed you in church. I thought they were not supposed to do that, ever! Did they ever out anybody who broke the law? I find it sickening that they did that and it's good they no longer are at that church, hope they were punished more and suspended or something once they left. It is very unfortunate that you now have to deal with everything and the fallout. But, I say, put on a brave face, do what you can to just ignore and have faith that things will settle down. Don't let ANYBODY push you around.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is the scripture they used to justify to publicly announce our names in church. Because we were "leaders". We were not, however, elders.

 

I Tim 5:19

19 Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. 20 But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning.

 

And, no, they didn't "out" everyone, or EVERYONE's names would be read. In fact, there was a huge drop in attendance afterwards, giving stopped even by those that continued to attend, people stopped serving (after all, if your name is going to be read if you drop the f-bomb, why try at all?), etc. And even after being confronted by the pastor parish relations committee these two goofballs maintained that what they did was biblically correct.

 

The associate pastor ended up "resigning" about a year later because "God was calling him in a different direction". He, has, however ended up in a very high profile nondenominational church of about 8-10,000 and is a "pastor" over twenty something young people. He is very charismatic and knowledgeable - but he lacks life skills and obviously common sense. He was the one I think I mentioned before that I knew since he was a baby and he decided to side with XMM and completely abandoned our family - even my husband and kids. His mother was a dear friend of mine. He is now besties with XMM and his wife (this was one person I asked xmm and his wife to please stay away from along with my niece and nephew and that is EXACTLY who she went after - lesson is never tell anyone what you love, they will try to take it away.

 

The lead pastor was transferred a year after that to a very poor and depressed area a couple of hours away. This is the 4th move in about 10 years. They aren't happy there either and are now going into the mission field.

 

So, unfortunately the associate can still harm others with his ridiculous way of "ministering" to others. He is actually quite a masterful liar and manipulator. It's very sad because I do care about him very much but he has in turn hurt our family very badly - someone we trusted implicitly- and all in the name of "Jesus". It is interesting to me, however, that xMM is besties with the guy that outed him. It's almost like Stockholm syndrome and makes absolutely no sense to me at all, but whatever.

 

Anyway - there's more to it, but that's the backstory.

 

I could write a book - believe me - and it would sell.

[Pierre]

This is the scripture they used to justify to publicly announce our names in church. Because we were "leaders". We were not, however, elders.

 

I Tim 5:19

19 Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. 20 But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning.

 

And, no, they didn't "out" everyone, or EVERYONE's names would be read. In fact, there was a huge drop in attendance afterwards, giving stopped even by those that continued to attend, people stopped serving (after all, if your name is going to be read if you drop the f-bomb, why try at all?), etc. And even after being confronted by the pastor parish relations committee these two goofballs maintained that what they did was biblically correct.

 

The associate pastor ended up "resigning" about a year later because "God was calling him in a different direction". He, has, however ended up in a very high profile nondenominational church of about 8-10,000 and is a "pastor" over twenty something young people. He is very charismatic and knowledgeable - but he lacks life skills and obviously common sense. He was the one I think I mentioned before that I knew since he was a baby and he decided to side with XMM and completely abandoned our family - even my husband and kids. His mother was a dear friend of mine. He is now besties with XMM and his wife (this was one person I asked xmm and his wife to please stay away from along with my niece and nephew and that is EXACTLY who she went after - lesson is never tell anyone what you love, they will try to take it away.

 

The lead pastor was transferred a year after that to a very poor and depressed area a couple of hours away. This is the 4th move in about 10 years. They aren't happy there either and are now going into the mission field.

 

So, unfortunately the associate can still harm others with his ridiculous way of "ministering" to others. He is actually quite a masterful liar and manipulator. It's very sad because I do care about him very much but he has in turn hurt our family very badly - someone we trusted implicitly- and all in the name of "Jesus". It is interesting to me, however, that xMM is besties with the guy that outed him. It's almost like Stockholm syndrome and makes absolutely no sense to me at all, but whatever.

 

Anyway - there's more to it, but that's the backstory.

 

I could write a book - believe me - and it would sell.

 

Why do you want to return to this church???????????

 

It sounds like they are fundamentalists.

 

The bible is full of contradictions. You may wan to read:

Judges 22-25

 

22 While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.”

 

23 The owner of the house went outside and said to them, “No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this outrageous thing. 24 Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don’t do such an outrageous thing.”

 

25 But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. 26 At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.

 

Please go to another church. I suggest the Episcopal Church because they are tolerant and liberal.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Why do you want to return to this church???????????

 

It sounds like they are fundamentalists.

 

The bible is full of contradictions. You may wan to read:

 

 

Please go to another church. I suggest the Episcopal Church because they are tolerant and liberal.

 

The denomination itself is NOT fundamentalists - it was these two rogue pastors that made this decision and the district was unaware of what they did until after the fact. The congregation was blindsided. It took awhile to remove them, but it was done. I don't think anything like this will ever happen again - lesson was well learned. And, honestly, I had a meeting with the lead pastor right before he left because I just felt like I needed to clear the air. It was actually a good conversation where he shed many tears. I could tell he regretted many things and he even said I was a "guinea pig". I just hope lessons were learned and he will never harm anyone else that way. The associate, however, is another story. I believe he is so arrogant and prideful that his fall will be big.

 

Why do I want to return? Pastors are gone, it's my home church as well as my husbands, my inlaws are there and honestly it's almost like reclaiming space in a way. It's weird, but after his parents are gone there will be no reason. But right now, I would like to honor them.

[Pierre]

The denomination itself is NOT fundamentalists - it was these two rogue pastors that made this decision and the district was unaware of what they did until after the fact. The congregation was blindsided. It took awhile to remove them, but it was done. I don't think anything like this will ever happen again - lesson was well learned. And, honestly, I had a meeting with the lead pastor right before he left because I just felt like I needed to clear the air. It was actually a good conversation where he shed many tears. I could tell he regretted many things and he even said I was a "guinea pig". I just hope lessons were learned and he will never harm anyone else that way. The associate, however, is another story. I believe he is so arrogant and prideful that his fall will be big.

 

Why do I want to return? Pastors are gone, it's my home church as well as my husbands, my inlaws are there and honestly it's almost like reclaiming space in a way. It's weird, but after his parents are gone there will be no reason. But right now, I would like to honor them.

 

 

OK, it is part of the healing process and part of your cultural heritage there. Good for you!!!:cool:

[Eddie Edirol]

Not sure how the wording of an apology letter will matter, but you might want to try this approach. The xMM's father probably will be pretty stubborn to care, but you might be able to reach his mother by putting in lots of "feel" type words in the letter. How you feel that they might not have the full story, how she might have felt finding out about her sons affair. But dont in any way make it look like you will owe them any kind of debt, meaning guilt. Dont let them think you will continue to be afraid of what they think of you, of course as youre an adult and you make your own decisions. You dont need their forgiveness, but you'd like to be civil. I cant think of much else that you can say without giving them your side of the story, which of course wouldnt be good because it could look like youre trying to break up their family again.

 

As far as seeing his mother in public, dont talk to her unless she talks to you. No need to say hi to her to break an awkward silence, youve already seen how that sets you up for jabs.

[underwater2010]

Quite simply you need to ignore them and definitely DO NOT write them a letter.

 

They DO NOT have to forgive you. Please do not throw the Christian way out there as a reason as to why they should. You follow and had a leadership position within the same church/religion yet messed around with a married man.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh. But it is the simple truth. You and your husband also need to stop worrying about your exAP's marriage. They will find their way or they won't. They did the decent thing and left for another church.

 

It is sad that they ignore your daughter but this is part of the fallout of an affair. Not everyone will be able to forgive you or him.

 

If all of this bothers you so much, maybe you should consider moving.

 

Also what constitutes them coming back under the cover of night?

[underwater2010]

Let me add that the church belongs to NO ONE. Just because your family has been there longer than his, does not mean that the should be the ones to walk away.

 

FYI I don't attend church and believe that my relationship is with God. I do not need someone/something to act as a go between.

 

I think it is sick and sad that they chose to out the both of you in front of everyone. That is all the reason I would need not to go back. And it would bug the heck out of me if my family chose to continue in that church.

 

Just keep your head up and continue on.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Also what constitutes them coming back under the cover of night?

 

He can't face anyone here because he ran - everyone knows it. He has been embarrassed. He hasn't even faced my own husband (while I faced his wife on at least two occasions) and never even apologized to him. He can't - he spineless in this area. There is a great deal more support for me (more than I ever realized) because I held my head up and walked through it while he ran away. So, what I am saying is, if he does come back to town it's at night - never during the day - and only to visit family - and it's sad really - it's his hometown too as well as his BS.

 

I guess I would agree with you that the do not need to forgive me except that the pretend to be Christian - isn't that what Jesus preached? forgiveness? I don't think there was an exception to that rule from what I have read. I'm not throwing the "Christian" way out there at all - but if you are a follower of Jesus and you espouse to be one, isn't that what you should do? Please don't stone me here (that's already happened - lol), but if you claim to be that, then you do as Jesus did.

 

It's okay - I don't need their forgiveness, really. It was just a well meaning person who said that it might help pave the road to some healing.

 

Moving isn't an option as I have explained in other posts. My husband's business is firmly planted in this community. That's not to say that it won't happen eventually when we get an opportunity to sell down the road, but right now it's not practical financially - not at all.

[underwater2010]

Also what constitutes them coming back under the cover of night?

 

He can't face anyone here because he ran - everyone knows it. He has been embarrassed. He hasn't even faced my own husband (while I faced his wife on at least two occasions) and never even apologized to him. He can't - he spineless in this area. There is a great deal more support for me (more than I ever realized) because I held my head up and walked through it while he ran away. So, what I am saying is, if he does come back to town it's at night - never during the day - and only to visit family - and it's sad really - it's his hometown too as well as his BS.

 

It is sad....how do you feel knowing that you helped put him and his wife in that position?

 

I guess I would agree with you that the do not need to forgive me except that the pretend to be Christian - isn't that what Jesus preached?

 

Yes but didn't he also preach kindness to others. That includes not sleeping with someone else's husband/wife.

 

forgiveness?

 

If we were all as great a person as Jesus was, then we would not look up to him and try to walk in his shoes. Just because someone professes to be Christian, does not mean that they live by the values.

 

I don't think there was an exception to that rule from what I have read. I'm not throwing the "Christian" way out there at all - but if you are a follower of Jesus and you espouse to be one, isn't that what you should do? Please don't stone me here (that's already happened - lol), but if you claim to be that, then you do as Jesus did.

 

I tend to live my life the best I can. That includes forgiveness when earned and treating people with kindness and compassion. I also do not steal, try not to gossip and hold my vows before God and society true to my heart. I live by the golden rule from childhood too.

 

I was not trying to stone you. You just seem to still be angry that there were consequences for your/his actions. And I get it. You have stood up and faced the music. That is more than some do. I give you big kudos for the work you have put in, but you need to realize that not everyone is capable of forgiveness whether they are Christian or not.

 

It's okay - I don't need their forgiveness, really. It was just a well meaning person who said that it might help pave the road to some healing.

 

I really don't think it will be taken that way. Right now they most likely feel as though you have chased their children off and are flaunting yourself in their face. Even if you are well meaning. I think you should let sleeping dogs lie. And continue on your path.

 

Moving isn't an option as I have explained in other posts. My husband's business is firmly planted in this community. That's not to say that it won't happen eventually when we get an opportunity to sell down the road, but right now it's not practical financially - not at all.

 

Then you stay and face the music. It will all work out in the end. You just have to not let it bother you so much.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think you should write them a letter.

 

I personally don't feel that they are treating you horribly. It doesn't sound like they are spreading rumors, calling you names, or saying mean things to you. It sounds like they simply do not want to interact with you. And that's OK. They have no obligation to be welcoming. It's likely that you remind them of a very difficult time in their lives. They are keeping their distance, and you should respect that.

 

Why should they have to be phony in order to make you feel more comfortable?

 

They have formed an opinion of you based on your actions. Written or verbal apologies are just words. Your words will not override your actions.

 

Instead, let your actions speak for themselves. Help out at church. Do nice things for others without expecting anything in return. Be a good role model to your daughter. Be honest. Behave with integrity. Don't gossip. Don't act too friendly with other men. Honor & respect your husband, your daughter, your entire family.

 

If your actions consistently show that you have changed, over an extended period of time, then maybe their opinion of you will change. Maybe they will soften up a bit.

 

Until then, you have to understand that you have no control over what others think of you. It does you no good to focus on them. There is a church full of other people to be friendly with. You can't erase the affair. All you can do is move forward and try to be a better person. If they recognize your growth & eventually welcome you...then great. If they continue to ignore you, that's their perogative. You will be OK.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I don't think you should write them a letter.

 

I personally don't feel that they are treating you horribly. It doesn't sound like they are spreading rumors, calling you names, or saying mean things to you. It sounds like they simply do not want to interact with you. And that's OK. They have no obligation to be welcoming. It's likely that you remind them of a very difficult time in their lives. They are keeping their distance, and you should respect that.

 

Why should they have to be phony in order to make you feel more comfortable?

 

They have formed an opinion of you based on your actions. Written or verbal apologies are just words. Your words will not override your actions.

 

Instead, let your actions speak for themselves. Help out at church. Do nice things for others without expecting anything in return. Be a good role model to your daughter. Be honest. Behave with integrity. Don't gossip. Don't act too friendly with other men. Honor & respect your husband, your daughter, your entire family.

 

If your actions consistently show that you have changed, over an extended period of time, then maybe their opinion of you will change. Maybe they will soften up a bit.

 

Until then, you have to understand that you have no control over what others think of you. It does you no good to focus on them. There is a church full of other people to be friendly with. You can't erase the affair. All you can do is move forward and try to be a better person. If they recognize your growth & eventually welcome you...then great. If they continue to ignore you, that's their perogative. You will be OK.

 

I love this post.

 

I am sorry you are having a hard time. Church is somewhere you should feel welcome, by everyone, it sucks that you do not. I hope it gets better.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Thank you everyone - I do appreciate it. I have really felt that a note was not the way to go I just needed some help walking through it, I always felt that if I ever had the opportunity face to face I would apologize and leave it at that.

 

None of this has been easy. I sometimes envy those who live in different states than the AP or they weren't involved in each others lives or had history. To me it seems if would be easier, if there is such a thing.

 

I have really come to understand what true forgiveness is all about. I never understood it nor the desire for it until this happened. I truly get it and know in my heart that I am to able to see the other side of things now and hope that I will be able to offer the kind of forgiveness in whatever circumstance I find myself in in the future. I know that I am able to offer that to my husbands Xow should I ever see her or have interaction with her.

 

I do understand all of what you have said underwater and I am horrified that I have put them ( him and her) in this position. But I disagree with what you say about professing Christians. The idea is that you are to become "like jesus". That is the goal of a Christian. I think all of the time about the passage where Jesus is talking to the people who have "caught the woman in adultery - in the very act" and they were ready to stone her. I always wondered, where was the man? At any rate, he told them that "he who was without sin cast the first stone" and one by one they all walked away until it was just Jesus and the woman and he asked where her accusers were. She said there wasn't anyone there and he told her he didn't condemn her either and "go and sin no more". This is what I hang into - his compassion toward her.

 

Also, if he had actually stood up under the heat ( he did not), he would be viewed much differently. If he had asked for my husbands forgiveness ( he did not). That was one thing I did for his bs - I asked for her forgiveness.

 

So Quiet Storm has probably the absolute best advice, allowing my actions to do the talking. This is what I have tried to do.

 

Unfortunately you do not know the story - there is a constant gossip and rumor spreading among them - it is talked about constantly - they cannot let it go. It's really too bad.

 

But I agree, a note is probably not the way to go at all.

 

Thank you all so much for your help.

Edited July 3, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Praying4Peace]

What Quiet Storm said.

 

DO NOT write a note! It sounds like you are a kiss up who can't take it that they don't like you or forgive you.

 

Hold your head up dignified and polite. Ignore them unless they greet YOU and then greet them back.

 

They have issues, nothing to do with you or their religion.

 

Let all the long well-composed apology notes be written by their son to THEM.

[spice4life]

Thank you everyone - I do appreciate it. I have really felt that a note was not the way to go I just needed some help walking through it, I always felt that if I ever had the opportunity face to face I would apologize and leave it at that.

 

None of this has been easy. I sometimes envy those who live in different states than the AP or they weren't involved in each others lives or had history. To me it seems if would be easier, if there is such a thing.

 

I have really come to understand what true forgiveness is all about. I never understood it nor the desire for it until this happened. I truly get it and know in my heart that I am to able to see the other side of things now and hope that I will be able to offer the kind of forgiveness in whatever circumstance I find myself in in the future. I know that I am able to offer that to my husbands Xow should I ever see her or have interaction with her.

 

I do understand all of what you have said underwater and I am horrified that I have put them ( him and her) in this position. But I disagree with what you say about professing Christians. The idea is that you are to become "like jesus". That is the goal of a Christian. I think all of the time about the passage where Jesus is talking to the people who have "caught the woman in adultery - in the very act" and they were ready to stone her. I always wondered, where was the man? At any rate, he told them that "he who was without sin cast the first stone" and one by one they all walked away until it was just Jesus and the woman and he asked where her accusers were. She said there wasn't anyone there and he told her he didn't condemn her either and "go and sin no more". This is what I hang into - his compassion toward her.

 

Also, if he had actually stood up under the heat ( he did not), he would be viewed much differently. If he had asked for my husbands forgiveness ( he did not). That was one thing I did for his bs - I asked for her forgiveness.

 

So Quiet Storm has probably the absolute best advice, allowing my actions to do the talking. This is what I have tried to do.

 

Unfortunately you do not know the story - there is a constant gossip and rumor spreading among them - it is talked about constantly - they cannot let it go. It's really too bad.

 

But I agree, a note is probably not the way to go at all.

 

Thank you all so much for your help.

 

Lilmisscantbewrong, this is a wonderful post. It's filled with integrity and pureness of heart. This is what evolving is all about. You are doing the right thing and you should be very proud of that. As long as YOU know that your actions are coming from the heart it doesn't really matter what they think anymore. If they are holding onto anger and judgement that is their journey and it's up to them to find peace. It is out of your hands and has been for a long time and it is not your job now to "fix" them. They may or may not come to peace with it, but that's is not your fault anymore. You paid a heavy price already and now it's time to stop worrying about what they think. They are not living your life - your are. It's up to you to find the message in all of this, so you can learn and grow and live a more fulfilling life. If they want to stay stuck then let them; it's their road to hoe.

 

And by the way, you have made tremendous progress and that's awesome. Learning the true meaning of compassion is a huge step in and of itself. Keep up the great work!

[beach]

I don't see value in wasting energy on people that are gossiping.

 

If needed - find a new church.

 

I'm glad you are taking steps to repair the damage you caused. Stay on path.

[pureinheart]

Well, if you haven't read my backstory, my xmm and I were leaders at church (on a worship team). When the affair was discovered the second time by my husband (first time was by his bs but she didn't want anyone to know), pastors got involved and read our names before church. Was a complete disaster, caused so many issues, lots of pain and took a long time for healing to happen. Because of their handling of the situation the pastors there at the time lost their jobs basically. There is a new pastor now which completely disagrees and thinks it was totally mishandled.

 

Anyway his parents and her mother continued there (this is a very long story), for whatever reason. In the initial few months they were very kind and gracious and even what I would call forgiving, but one of the pastors (closer in age to xmm) decided to take "sides" and became bbf's with xmm and in essence started making huge hits on my family (even my husband and kids) - again a very long story.

 

Anyway, I came face to face with his mother in a grocery store once about a year and a half later and she was pretty hateful - I tried to remain calm and kind and ask how things were going and she shouted "As good as could be expected under the circumstances" and I just told her to have a good day and she scooted out of the store as fast as she could. I ran into both of them Christmas Eve and I told his dad "Merry Christmas" and he said "HUMPH!" and moved on. Last week - completely ignored - I sat a few rows behind - they ignored my 16 year old who was there with the children because she helped with bible school that week. This is an extremely small service - maybe 60 people there - small sanctuary. Pretty hard during meet and greet to not see "new" people.

 

They can't forgive and maybe they never will, but it appears they like playing victim I guess. I don't know.

 

I just wondered if anyone had suggestions - like maybe I should send an apology note and see if that helps any. I have no animosity towards them. I loved them very much, I really did. I don't know what to do, if anything.

 

Hey there, I haven't read your backstory and am Christian too, but a real ornery one...so forgive my response ahead of time:o

 

Haters are going to hate and I would avoid them like the plague- now if they were putting their bad spirits in my direction I'd rebuke them by confrontation either passive or verbally. They sound like adult bullies...never give a bully the slightest indication that they affect you and don't be nice to a bully. You are not a doormat and my Creator never expected us to be.

 

Seriously, it's none of their business and I would tell them that...if it were me and it was that bad I'd get in their face...again, sorry, but I have zero tolerance for this behavior and it's no longer permitted in my life...don't allow it in yours.

 

GBU and I hope all of this turns out ok ((((((((hugs)))))))

[pureinheart]

Unfortunately you do not know the story - there is a constant gossip and rumor spreading among them - it is talked about constantly - they cannot let it go. It's really too bad.

 

But I agree, a note is probably not the way to go at all.

 

Thank you all so much for your help.

 

Girl, watch a "Madea" movie or take this before the Pastor...Personally I think this is happening because you've allowed it. What people perceive to be weak, they walk on, that's how society is today and the Church can be the very worst offenders...ok, I'll shut up now...but I'd be going off on these fools.

[The Way I Am]

I agree with your decision not to write the note. The situation isn't ideal, but their behavior is pretty close to the best can realistically be expected. Just learn to accept that they're not going to like you and that doesn't matter.

 

Writing a letter could just make things worse. They could take it as rubbing salt in the wound and actually start treating you nasty. And if they're gossiping about you, a letter could just make them feel empowered over you and give them more amo for their gossip.

 

Best of luck.

[KathyM]

I would suggest joining another church. It's doubtful things will improve at your current church. Too much has happened. Your XMM and his family were publicly humiliated in front of the whole church, as were you and your family. There is no living that down. People are going to gossip, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Better to start over fresh at a new church where this stuff is not known and you don't have to see these people.

[Summer Breeze]

The first thing that came to my mind was this. I think I'd probably ask my H to ask them for a quiet talk. Have him explain that he understands their feelings for what you and their son did but he felt like recently their actions to he and your D has changed. With his parents there and needing him it's brought you to the church on a more frequent basis and none of you is doing this to be offensive to them. Out of respect to his parents he hopes they will at least try and treat your D as they always had.

 

To me that creates a united front for you. It's not you getting all up in their grill. It's not asking them for the world and it's showing you and your H are healing and not looking to hurt anyone. You're not asking for anything for yourself or your H only your D. Short and simple and respectful.

 

It amazes me what you've gone through and how you have come to where you are now. You rock!

[Praying4Peace]

Lilmiss,

I wanted to add that I know your note was really intended to help them let it go and find peace. If I thought for a second, based on your description, that this would be the case I'd tell you to do it. It won't help. I don't care if Shakespeare himself wrote the note, it won't help.

 

As to people's suggestions on finding another Church- No. I understand that your H's parents go there but even if they didn't- No.

 

If that is your church and that is where you are comfortable, you stay there. Don't put other people's reactions over your faith. I don't care what religion or religious sect you are, that is your choice and it should transcend any haters that may be scuttling about in the background. Think of it as a test of your faith.

 

I suspect your xMM's parents have this view that you have tainted him and exposed him to hell, etc. etc. Seems like he and his M are fine. Yeah, a note isn't going to help those people unless its a permission note to go get an exorcism bc they just are warped. Almost 4 years and still housing the demons.

 

Sorry, I know that's mean and they are elders but especially after everything you've been through (and they know it) they act like this...spreading rumors and gossip! They are ENTITLED and remember who their son is...I know you guys were close but he seems to have a bit of the entitled thing going on too. I wonder if he knows that they say this stuff and keeps quiet.

 

Anyways, take care. It's your intention that counts. Stay strong!

[Praying4Peace]

Lilmiss, I'm confused. When Rebel dynasty asked you what specifically were these parents doing to treat you horribly you replied with this,

 

 

 

Now you say they are spreading rumors and lies about you. Not sure why it took 4 pages before you mentioned that. If they are spreading rumors and lies about you then that is wrong and you should ask for a meeting with the pastors to get guidance on how to deal with that. If however they are simply ignoring you and not giving you warm Christmas greetings than I say you have very little to complain about.

 

I think a whole lot of people here are assuming a whole lot of things about these parents which are probably untrue. If my son cheated on his wife I would totally hold him responsible. I wouldn't be blind to his faults and blame it all on the OW. I wouldn't be seething with hate and unforgiveness towards her. I couldn't imagine having any feelings for her at all other then mild disdain. However she would be delusional if she thought we were going to smile at each other and share warm Christmas greetings. Why on earth would I be expected to be on friendly terms with my sons ex OW? That boggles my mind!! I love my daughter in law and I really love my grandchildren. The affair would have hurt my loved ones and to be expected to smile and be friendly with the one that participated in hurting my loved ones sounds crazy to me. Like everyone is supposed to pretend that everything is still the same and all of that pain never really happened. We'll all smile and exchange pleasantries with each other like we always have. Talk about being inauthentic and doing some major rug sweeping! That sounds dysfunctional and like mentally ill behavior to me.

 

They are spreading rumours. Her story is in other posts and pretty complicated. I think knowing that they are doing that in the community coupled with the attitude in Church makes it a very uncomfortable situation.

[MissBee]

I agree with alexandria.

 

Lilmiss, can you please clarify? Are xMM's parents ignoring you and "treating you like the plague" and answering curtly OR are they spreading rumors and lies and gossip about you?

 

The two are very different. If they are just avoiding you and not being friendly, that's not treating you horribly, and contrary to what pureinheart suggested, that is NOT bullying and being a "hater" (lol how can you be a hater because you choose not to be friendly with your son's former OW??? ). So please clarify.

[pureinheart]

The first thing that came to my mind was this. I think I'd probably ask my H to ask them for a quiet talk. Have him explain that he understands their feelings for what you and their son did but he felt like recently their actions to he and your D has changed. With his parents there and needing him it's brought you to the church on a more frequent basis and none of you is doing this to be offensive to them. Out of respect to his parents he hopes they will at least try and treat your D as they always had.

 

To me that creates a united front for you. It's not you getting all up in their grill. It's not asking them for the world and it's showing you and your H are healing and not looking to hurt anyone. You're not asking for anything for yourself or your H only your D. Short and simple and respectful.

 

It amazes me what you've gone through and how you have come to where you are now. You rock!

 

Ok, I have a feeling this was based on my comment- let me do a little clean up here and communicate this better.

 

Here's a link to a thread in the Spirituality in which a poster describes proper direct communication (post #51 and #56)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/spirituality-religious-beliefs/401283-nice-guys-finish-last-4.html

 

OP- this is about mind games and mind games are about control. I believe in being direct. IMO OP should do this on her own without her husband being involved because this is about her. There's times when we should have people by our side and times when we need to take a stand in the singular sense. By doing this on her own she is showing that she doesn't need for anyone to fight her battles for her...the minute she's alone, they'll pounce.

 

These people are unlikely to change, but the perception of OP can be changed, which in most cases will cut off what she's been dealing with. They will realize she will address any further uncool issues. If this is done in a passive apologetic manor it won't be taken seriously. She doesn't have to apologize for their actions and as for the past, she has apologized already if I read this thread correctly. If I didn't there is no need to apologize to them in the first place technically as there are actually four people involved, let them work it out.

 

Now on the onset of this I would have changed churches, but I have a church on every street corner here. Kathy M is right as it creates less conflict.

 

I've dealt with these issues many times and have always found being direct is the best course of action. There were some at work that felt the need to gossip about a friend and myself- my friend took the passive approach and the gossip continued to the point of abuse. I confronted all of them directly in a cool, collected, and matter of fact manor. Surprisingly these workplace bullies respected me after that.

 

 

Anyway, good luck to your situation, and wanted to give clarity to my above post.

Edited July 4, 2013 by pureinheart