Why do i still feel?

[meinemel]

I have had a complicated love life for a long time now. For the past nearly three years I've been in a (semi-)commited relationship with a generally good guy who I am fully aware loves me and is completely commited to me. There are a couple things like his general temperment and lackluster sex life that are certainly what I consider small negatives in the relationship, though I do see a potential long-term future with this man. I'm generally at a point in my life where I'm looking to settle down within the next 5 years and eventually start a family and such. Well for the first almost 2 full years of my relationship with this man, who we'll call 'Luke', (for storyline purpose), I was cheating on a semi-consistent basis with one other man who we'll call 'Ben'. Ben was a man I used to work with and initially felt an extreme attraction to, at the time we worked together however I was in a different and unrelated commited relationship, and cheating never once entered my mind. (And just know I've never once cheated in my life before this recent scenario.) I moved and didn't see Ben for a while but when I returned to the city I ran into him at a party. (He's a DJ) And saw him at several after that before things started to heat up between us and despite Luke being my boyfriend at the time, I conciously decided to cheat. I went as far as to move in with Ben for a little while (and some other friends), but he always had a girlfriend himself. And eventually when my feelings had deeply developed for him he chose his girlfriend over me. And even walked away with over a thousand dollars I gave him towards my portion of moving. (which needless to say never happened). At that point I moved in with Luke and have been faithful since. The couple times I've seen Ben since I moved with Luke, he's hit on me constantly like nothing was out of the ordinary. And though he lied a lot to me, and practically robbed me, I still feel some type of feelings for him. I'm pretty happy with Luke, things have gotten better than ever between myself and Luke, so I just need to figure out. Why do I still on some level care for Ben? To others it nearly seems insane, that he has done me so wrong that how could I even be around him. Will it ever go away? I never actually had a relationship with him. I literally haven't seen or spoken to him in about half a year. But I still think about him all the time, why?!

 

Any sort of advice in this is appreciated.

I've just always felt permanantly lost in this.

[jphcbpa]

Your relationship with "luke" started out as a lie and continues to be a lie. You were cheating on him. This relationship is a sham as a result and you are doing both of yourself a disservice by pretending it will be anything better in the future. Your subconscious will never allow it or allow you to be fully committed to "luke".