laila Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 no, not me. ok so Ive been with my bf for over a year now. we have great relationship.. everythings good and fine.. and then, one day, out of nOWHERE... while in one of his rooms at his house, i find a WHOLE SH*T LOAD of recent porn: magazines, videos, dvds, the whole 9. omg, there were millions! i try not to be the snooping type, obviously im not, since its been a whole year now since ive found it, but im SO SHOCKED! and totally disgusted! not disgusted at the porn itself, well somewhat but just the fact that there were so many. and in varieties. *sigh* i mean, i really wouldnt care if he made it obvious from the start instead hiding a SH*t load. Like one or two lying around somewhere. because i would have never thought. I havent said anything to him yet about my discovery because im so lost and confused.. because again, it was shocking. i dont think its insecurity cuz i am very confident in myself physically and very much satisfied and my bf is as well. but why?? at first i was extremely pissed and wanted to rip, tear, and break everything in sight, and scatter it in, out, and around the house while he was at work. eventually my evil thoughts cleared out of my head. anyways.. but then again, i dont, in a way, want to embarrass him with his obsession.. should i be mad? should i feel bad? how do u react to something like that? what do i do/say? its just too much for me to deal with in one day. id appreciate the opinions and advice. thnx. -LaiLuhh Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Well....haven't you had the whole porn talk with your bf yet? I mean, when I date someone we don't get that much into the relationship until the topic comes up like: Do you watch/read it, do you have any, wanna watch it together? That kind of stuff. What has he said about it before? Mentioned it at all. If it's recent porn, can it really be millions? C'mon, was it really that much. An addiction is something that interferes with your everyday life. If he's great and your relationship is great and the sex isn't suffering, then i would let it go. You could ask him why he never told you and bring it up, but it's nothing to worry or get upset about. All guys have porn. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Originally posted by laila no, not me. ok so Ive been with my bf for over a year now. we have great relationship.. everythings good and fine.. and then, one day, out of nOWHERE... while in one of his rooms at his house, i find a WHOLE SH*T LOAD of recent porn: magazines, videos, dvds, the whole 9. omg, there were millions! i try not to be the snooping type, obviously im not, since its been a whole year now since ive found it, but im SO SHOCKED! Obviously you are the snooping type, since you snooped. Porn viewing is natural. Masturbation is natural. The reason most people do not tell their significant others that they are looking at porn, I think, is because masturbation and porn-viewing are very PRIVATE things, that do NOT concern ANYONE ELSE. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused28 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hi Laila, I feel and hear your hurt. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I still stick to my guns when I say that it is not okay to be secretly into porn, and I don't think all guys are into porn. My ex-husband was interested in porn, but when we discussed it in the beginning of our relationship, he said that he didn't want to be into it if i didn't like it. at the time, i was not into it. it stayed that way until i was ready to introduce it into our relationship, until I was okay with it and ready for it, and comfortable with it. My current boyfriend is the same way. He abstains from it because he doesn't want it. He also conveyed that if I want to watch it together to get aroused, that is something we can discuss, but he is not hiding it from me. I think that it can be fun and okay to have porn in a relationship, but I would be very upset if I found what you found in his home. And I don't think you are a snoop. If you were you would have found that stuff about a month into the relationship. I would calmly discuss it with him and reassure him that the truth will only help the relationship. Obviously you have something with him that no porn could ever provide, that being said... use this as a way to get to know him better. Use this to love and really learn who he is. But, I still think it is not okay to secretly be into porn if you are in a committed, loving relationship. Hope that helps! :-) Link to post Share on other sites
BridetoBEin2weeks Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Again, it amazes me how most people think this behavior is "OK". Porn is not ok in SOOO many ways. Mhm.. I wonder if that's why the bible states billions will die, but only a few will go to heaven. Don't follow the masses in your beliefs, don't be like the rest of the HERD. Do what's right in your life, for your own spirit. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Oh god...shut up. Link to post Share on other sites
BridetoBEin2weeks Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Wow, very tightly woven! Link to post Share on other sites
kiteebang Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 bride2bein2weeks...... just provide the link next time, anyone can c&p Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 O.k, so everyone who has looked at porn is a bad person? Man, we must all be going to h*ll. I think that saying that by looking at porn your cheating on your SO is stretching it a little much. Guys must cheat on girls on a daily basis with anyone who passes their line of sight if that's the case. I watch porn sometimes with my boyfriend, does that mean we cheat on each other together when we watch it, or does that just make it a foursome (or a fivesome, sixsome, etc.) I guess I must degrade women also by watching it and want to inflict violence on them, even though I don't find women attractive but hey! I watch it so it must be true. I agree, shut up. Link to post Share on other sites
1113109238 Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 laila; if it makes you feel a bit cheated then say so. looking at porn is NOT natural!!! i know so many people do it but sex is love not the other way round hey. sex and love go hand in hand.. sorta thing well i wouldn't torelate it from my boyfriend, but it's up to you what you do i guess. it's true MOST boyfriends look at porn so it's not like it's unusual or anything but i still wouldn't like it one bit. i wouldn't want him getting pleasure out of looking at other people having sex. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Personally I think if someone is single and they want to look at all that, then have at. Or even if the couple wants to view it together then thats fine as well. However, if someone is in a relationship with someone and the other person doesn't like it, then I think they should be considerate of the other ones feelings and stop. Talk with him about it and if he doesn't stop then maybe he has a actual problem or addiction. Some people have addictions and not realize it until they lose something or someone close to them. But the person they lose first, is themselves. Good luck. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
sunseed Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 I'm with 1113109238 and The Analyzer--as in the rest of sex, porn should be consensual in a relationship. Hiding it is unfair to a partner. Using it is by no means "natural" (it's a cultural phenomenon), though it is widely accepted and need not be a bad thing. Not every guy uses it, but I think almost all have at one time in their lives and that's something that we should all be realistic about. All this said, you are well within your rights to tell him how you feel, and then the two of you can decide what to do next. Good luck! My two cents: I think I'd be cooler with porn if it was better. It's really horribly produced and just plain skanky. It makes the sex it depicts feel dirty and that's just a shame of the industry. Hope it changes some day. Link to post Share on other sites
Ihateporn Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 When is using us ladies EVER going to STOP? porn is a way of men using women in a slave way! everything you see is controlling them, dear ladies when are we going to stand up as women and do something besides saying it's ok. they use our daughters. our lifes our boy's. Girls Gone Wild KIDS!! DRUNK KIDS!!! WAKE UP LADIES!!!!! you are saying it's ok. to be used as a slave for men. you are whoop into this thinking! in my relationship it started off me finding tapes of my husband having sex with women, then it became photo's I would find of women, to porn and to everything else! Well my husband is so hook now we don't even have sex at all! it all goes on the computer him playing with himself! not me! am pretty and look good he doesn't. yet he cheats I don't! so WAKE up LADIES! it goes from porn to cheating to everything else! so you all can fight it or put up with it! am fighting it! am sick of porn and I'm sick of everyone saying it's ok. I have boy's growing up that I want to respect women not treat them like a slave! and long as you feel it's ok. then you are no better then telling you're own kid's to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
JulieInTx Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 I think this topic can be debated until hell freezes over. It's funny - my man doesn't want me fantasizing about men with huge penises (yes ladies there are magazines of just hunky men that are just as nasty as the girlie mags..) while I mastubate - but he thinks it's ok for him to masturbate to porn magazines. Double standard? All I can say is we need to see more men exploited - MEN GONE WILD - bring it on! Link to post Share on other sites
everydayporn Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 You know, I don't mind that my boyfriend looks at porn sometimes. I know he loves me and finds me incredibly sexy. HOWEVER...he looks at it EVERY SINGLE TIME I AM NOT HOME!!! Let me restate, I have no problem with porn. I just feel awkward that he feels the need to look at it everytime I leave the apartment. He says he does it for fun, and that it's funny. Great, that's fine, but every single day? I'm just concerned because I don't think he can help himself. Now he's starting to hide it by deleting his history on his computer. He knows how I feel, why can't he cut back???? Anyway, as far as your situation goes, you should definitely talk to him about it and tell him how it makes you feel. If you don't mind that he does it once in a while, let him know that. If you have a BIG problem with him looking at porn, make that clear too. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Your boyfriend looks at porn when you're not home...and you have a problem with this. Am I missing something here? What exactly are you losing out of the deal? You're not home. He can't have sex with you. Therefore, he jerks off. Again, where's the problem? I'm serious. Explain how that works. Are you somehow offended by the fact that his sex drive works independently of your presence? If you were to get abducted by aliens, guess what? The guy'll still have hard-ons from time to time. Should he only feel horny when you're within 30 ft of him? Sorry to be so sarcastic, but as a guy, that post just made me laugh a little. *slaps you with a trout* Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 lol! This is exactly it! I says bring on the role reversal and you'd soon have message boards full of men saying how they hate their SO's porn collections "Those young men with their perfect bodies, seeing women in these magazines inserting things into them and degrading them, seeing page after page of man-on-man action, it makes me sick to think of my wife getting off to this stuff and wonder how she can masturbate over that and then claim claim she finds me attractive?" - bring it on! Originally posted by JulieInTx It's funny - my man doesn't want me fantasizing about men with huge penises (yes ladies there are magazines of just hunky men that are just as nasty as the girlie mags..) while I mastubate - but he thinks it's ok for him to masturbate to porn magazines. Double standard? All I can say is we need to see more men exploited - MEN GONE WILD - bring it on! Link to post Share on other sites
arcadia Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Originally posted by Grinning Maniac Your boyfriend looks at porn when you're not home...and you have a problem with this. Am I missing something here? What exactly are you losing out of the deal? You're not home. He can't have sex with you. Therefore, he jerks off. Again, where's the problem? I'm serious. Explain how that works. Are you somehow offended by the fact that his sex drive works independently of your presence? If you were to get abducted by aliens, guess what? The guy'll still have hard-ons from time to time. Should he only feel horny when you're within 30 ft of him? Sorry to be so sarcastic, but as a guy, that post just made me laugh a little. *slaps you with a trout* well, being in a similar situation, i can try to explain the logic in us girls being upset by this (i am not saying it is TOTALLY rational, as a lot of fears and insecurities aren't ) But it's not the fact that he is enjoying himself without me that bothers me, it's the fact that him seizing the opportunity to jerk off every time i step out of the house, even if it is just to run to the store, makes me fear there is a serious addiction there.. and we all know an addiction of any kind is never good. There's also the fact that if i go out, and he jerks off, and i come back, he wont be in the mood. doesn't always happen, but it does occur. And then with the whole deleting history and trying hard to cover up his tracks, well.. that goes with the addiction thing again. my boyfriend went to such great lengths to hide his porn that he changed all the file extensions to something random and put them in his work folder. I just don't appreciate the dishonesty.. and hiding stuff is a sign of addiction.. so.. boo. I guess i just find it hard to understand the need to view it so often.. i mean.. i watch porn alone like twice a month.. so watching it for hours a day seems like overkill.. so it is hard for me to view things from the other perspective, you know? so it's not like i get mad that he has his own sex drive when i am not around.. that's just silly. i am just worried that the addiction will start affecting his life and mine, yadda yadda yadda.. Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Who can say that looking at porn is right or wrong? It either bothers you or it doenst. If you have a problem with your man looking at it, tell him so. If you and your man watch it 2gether or u dont mind him looking when u arent there, or u look at it by yourself, then keep doing what you're doing! I have a bf, and we watch it 2gether. I dont think its spectacular...but I think sexuality and masturbation and your deepest fantasies are your own, and I'm not going to climb into his head and try to control how he thinks. It's not hurting me, its not hurting him, its not hurting anyone. Bb Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 porn is a way of men using women in a slave way I love when my man uses me as his sex slave. Pleasing him gets me so turned on, and makes me feel totally female. As far as porn, I have no issue with it. I like it. I think it's fun. I use it with him and without him, so why would I care what he does with a few mags or videos when I'm not around. Jeez, I BUY my man porn. I even bought him a VCR for his bedroom b/c he didn't have one to jerk off to in there. I'm wondering if this is an age thing. When I was in my twenties, I would get very jealous of porn, but a mid 30s woman can change her mind about a lot of things sex related and do things she never though she would. I've reached my prime. Bring it on!!! I think I need to get laid tonight ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
PrissyMe Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Porn its what makes the world go around!! And up and down, and side ways...woooooohooo, yeah girl sounds like you need to get laid. Good for you in a healthy porno relationship. If we don't have anything else in relationships thats meaningful at least theres that. Porn is great to have something to fall back on when everything else sucks, oops pardon the pun. Excuse me while I go see if my b/f wants to play naked twister while watching porn! Yippie!! Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 but surely there are questions to be raised about types of porn... For example, let's just say that as a hetrosexual woman my taste in porn is for porn that displays and represents men, either solo, man-on-man, or as subject to the sexual predilictions of women (the first two being found principally in gay porn, the latter more difficult to obtain - which in itself says much about inequality and the cultural manipulation of the female sexual gaze), then assuming that i am able to access this material with the same ease, volume and frequency as hetro-male orientated porn, what are the chances of most men being willing to A) accept my liking for this material, and B) being willing participants in my usage of this material? Just something to mull over, since the question is unfortunately theoretical... Link to post Share on other sites
surrealgrl1 Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Hello there! I have a similar situation than some of you. My boyfriend is severely addicted to porn and I am left without any options. The first time cought him with porn it wasnot a big deal and so was the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and so on. I have known that he has been addicted to porn for almost two years now and i didn't care until now. About 2 months ago, I had been studying for a test and i come out of the bedroom and he is watching porn on my computer jerking off. He heard me open the refrigerator door and quickly put up his boxers. I asked him what he had been doing and he lied and said nothing. I stormed out of the house and went for a drive. WHen i came back he gave me the bullsh*it that our sex life is not great and that he is insecure with himself. blah blah blah. So we talked about the whole situation and i told him that i am not upset i just want him to be open with me and theat we can work through this together. If he had not have lied and been disrespectable enough to do it whil i was in the next room than i would not have felt so disrespected. Then, about a week later i had to get a wisdom tooth pulled outand i was all drugged up on meds and could not drive. I asked him if he can take me to the supermarket that is only two blocks away and he said he was too tired to take me. So i drove while all messed up on meds to get myself some baby food and yogurt and I come home to a sink full of cum. While i ran to the grocery store he had been jerking off to porn, meanwhile he said he was too tired and i could have risked my life driving. I approached him again and he denied the incident for a second time. He told me that he did not kknow what i was talking about and it was not until i said "you can't lie to me i saw it in the sink", he admitted to it. I am starting to think he is a compulsive porn addict and a compulsive liar? Again he said he is embarrased and sorry, but he still continues to do it. I try and talk to him nicely about it and he agrees that we need to work together, but he still hides and does it. I iniciate sex all the time. Our relationship is awesome we have so much fun together, bu this is the only problem and i do not know what else i can do. I understand that men have to do this and for that matter people, but don't lie and hide when a significant other is reaching out to help. I am starting to feel like i am going to throw up everytime i see him and i don't want this to happen. I am left without options? Link to post Share on other sites
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