Why do I abuse my wife.

[Change1]

First I'd like to say I've been doing a lot of reading here. And found some great info.

 

My story, I've been with my wife for 23 years

I love her very much. She is my world. If anything happened to her I'd die.

She has the heart of an angel. She is devoted and loyal.

 

When my wife is sick I take care of here, I try to give her all she needs. I do not get upset when supper is not ready or the house is not cleaned. I support our family well. We struggle a bit. But we're ok.

 

 

I don't hit my wife. But I am coming to realization that my verbal abuse is far more damaging than bruises. I neglect her emotional needs, I ignore her, call her names and often have her crying hysterically. I accuse her of cheating when I clearly know she is not. I am an ass to her. But I am realizing as I type this, my flipping from nice and mean is probably worse than just being mean.

 

Why am I like this? I have scheduled sessions for individual and couples therapy. I am now owning upto myself, and have finally admitted to myself that I am the problem, not her. For years I've rationalized that she was being a b***h and she deserved it. But truly she never did a thing to me. I want to fix me and save my marriage.

 

Is there anyone here with insight as to what's going on. I really do love her, I want to be a better husband and father.

 

Thankyou

Edited July 2, 2013 by Change1
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[TaraMaiden]

FOO = Family Of Origin.

 

What has happened, in your past, that has made you want to be controlling, abusive, dominating and manipulative?

What - or who - influenced your attitude to make you replicate, or behave in this way?

 

Have you acknowledged your failings to your wife?

 

What efforts have you made to change your behaviour?

[pteromom]

Is there anyone here with insight as to what's going on. I really do love her, I want to be a better husband and father.

 

Thankyou

 

 

Have you researched BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? Your hot and cold thing sounds like it could fit you.

 

If not that, it could just be that you were taught that conflict resolution in a relationship is about winning and having power over the other person. Did you grow up in an abusive household? How was your parents' relationship?

 

By keeping your wife down, you are "winning". Instead, you need to learn how to view success as BOTH of you getting your needs met. Success is when both people are happy and feel accepted and loved by the other.

 

You have a lot of work to do, but admitting you are the problem is a good first step. I hope you are able to fix your marriage.

[Change1]

FOO = Family Of Origin.

 

What has happened, in your past, that has made you want to be controlling, abusive, dominating and manipulative?

What - or who - influenced your attitude to make you replicate, or behave in this way?

 

Have you acknowledged your failings to your wife?

 

What efforts have you made to change your behaviour?

 

Thankyou for your reply

 

Not to play the victim, but I grew up in a very cold family, no care or loving support. I've never heard my parents say I love you to me or each other. Very sterile. My relationship with my wife is really the only one I ever had. Together since high school. So no real history with other relationships

 

Yes, I have finally admitted to myself and to her that I am the problem. It may be too late to fix the marriage. But I hold hope. She has agreed to come to my idividual session. I need to fix me before I can work on the marriage. She is in a state of we will see what happens. If I can hold true she will engage in couples therapy.

 

As for efforts, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, admitting to myself my own faults. I will no longer accept these actions from me. But I can't do it alone. I need to know my triggers, and coping skills.

 

I think/hope she will give me one more chance. I don't want to take that chance just yet. I want to get the help I need first, then work on my marriage. I know I can't fix the marriage if I'm still broken.

 

She's an angel and I don't deserved her

[todreaminblue]

First I'd like to say I've been doing a lot of reading here. And found some great info.

 

My story, I've been with my wife for 23 years

I love her very much. She is my world. If anything happened to her I'd die.

She has the heart of an angel. She is devoted and loyal.

 

When my wife is sick I take care of here, I try to give her all she needs. I do not get upset when supper is not ready or the house is not cleaned. I support our family well. We struggle a bit. But we're ok.

 

 

I have scheduled sessions for individual and couples therapy. I am now owning upto myself, and have finally admitted to myself that I am the problem, not her. For years I've rationalized that she was being a b***h and she deserved it. But truly she never did a thing to me. I want to fix me and save my marriage.

 

Is there anyone here with insight as to what's going on. I really do love her, I want to be a better husband and father.

 

Thankyou

 

owning your issues is the first step , seeking counselling another,aqs far as family of origin goes....i feel people make their own choices, once you are an adult, owning any mistakes you make is on you not your dna.....if you can own your successes and not think they are reliant on family history...then mistakes should be the same way....tara maiden bought up how you should look within you i totally agree with this

 

 

you have pointed out that you care for her when she is sick , and when the house is untidy etc you struggle but you are ok....is she sick alot...you could have resentment that is building if she is sick quite often, feeling stressed at the state of the house....so you lash out...i feel the counselling route you are taking with give the best insight and help.......reactions under stress and strategies to deal with this might be the best route to take first, instead of thinking you have a disorder, how you deal with things, whether good or bad may need to be addressed in my opinion

 

 

her side of the equation is also important on how she is feeling...couples counselling is the way to go..verbal abuse rocks you...more so i feel than physical abuse, it wears away at self esteem and also can lower your ability to deal with common issues that crop up

 

verbal abuse is erosion of the spirit

 

 

to be constantly verbally abused and waiting for that abuse to occur...i cannot stress how much it erodes the spirit of your wife...you are doing what si right i wish you much luck and happiness in your future...seek insight in counselling be open and honest and you will find that insight you need with a good therapist and the mindset that you truly want to change.....deb

[Change1]

owning your issues is the first step , seeking counselling another,aqs far as family of origin goes....i feel people make their own choices, once you are an adult, owning any mistakes you make is on you not your dna.....if you can own your successes and not think they are reliant on family history...then mistakes should be the same way....tara maiden bought up how you should look within you i totally agree with this

 

Yes, I agree. While there maybe a cycle, the cycle can be broken. We are each accountable for our own actions and behaviors.

 

 

 

 

you have pointed out that you care for her when she is sick , and when the house is untidy etc you struggle but you are ok....is she sick alot...you could have resentment that is building if she is sick quite often, feeling stressed at the state of the house....so you lash out...i feel the counselling route you are taking with give the best insight and help.......reactions under stress and strategies to deal with this might be the best route to take first, instead of thinking you have a disorder, how you deal with things, whether good or bad may need to be addressed in my opinion

 

Clarify, I was just using an example of how I'm hot and cold. No my wife is healthy. When she has the flu or cold I take care of here, give her what she needs.

 

It seems that I go after her when she's happy. I don't understand this. I get no pleasure from it.

 

 

 

 

Thank-you all for the speedy and insightful replies

[HokeyReligions]

While no one here can diagnose or treat you I commend you for recognizing and getting help.

 

My husband treated me in a similar fashion for many years. I became bitter and angry and full of self blame . People kept telling me it was all him and I began to believe that until we started founseling. A lot of the advice we got from others, well meaning and what I felt was sound advice, was sometimes more damaging than helpful. We went to several therapists until we each found one to help us individually and one to help us as a couple.

 

I did have a part to play in his treatment of me. I love him so much and the more I learned about his abusive parents the more I enabled his treatment of me.

 

It took some years but we worked thru it and we've been together nearly 30 years. We both changef because we made ourselves change some things and we learned how to deal with changes that happen to everyone as they age and mature.

 

I do wish you well and I'm very glad you aredoing what you need to do.

[M30USA]

Pray to God and tell him that you are completely powerless over your abusive tendencies and need his mercy, forgiveness, and (most importantly) the ability to change. You will never achieve this on your own no matter how much knowledge you have or how many therapists you see.

[whichwayisup]

It seems that I go after her when she's happy. I don't understand this. I get no pleasure from it.

 

Because inside you're not happy and on some level seeing her happy subconsciously sets you off and you poo-poo on her to make her feel bad. Then that makes you feel better.

 

Yes, you have some deep rooted issues from childhood, but you know better! And, you're willing to change, get help on your own and do counseling with your wife. That's a positive!

 

It takes a courageous person to admit their mistakes and a brave person to face their painful issues, deal with them and fix them. You're there, so don't give up.

 

Is your wife willing to go to counseling with you?

 

How does she feel about your desire to fix you and make life better between you two?

[CC12]

I need to fix me before I can work on the marriage.

 

.....

 

I want to get the help I need first, then work on my marriage. I know I can't fix the marriage if I'm still broken.

 

I agree that you should get help for yourself, but I don't understand why you're seemingly putting off working on the marriage until after you're "fixed." It's completely selfish - "Me first." Why is that? And what does it mean for your marriage? That you'll continue to be abusive to her until some unspecified point in the future when you're fixed? And then she gets her turn? Surely that's not your plan, so I think you need to rethink the "me first" mentality.

 

You should be able to work on your marriage while you're working on yourself. Your wife deserves a lot of your effort, possibly more than you deserve it, if that makes sense.

 

Your wife has been putting up with this for years (decades?) now. It just needs to stop. Make a promise to yourself that you're not going to hurt her anymore. If you can't stop yourself from hurting her, you need to get away from her. As in, move out until you have control over your emotions.

 

I don't understand this. I get no pleasure from it

You get something out of it. We don't repeatedly do things unless there's a benefit of some sort. It might not be a pleasurable, positive payoff, but there's one there, nonetheless. Maybe it's simply that you want her to be as miserable as you are. No offense, I hope. Are you generally unhappy, do you think?

[TaraMaiden]

I completely agree with the above post:

 

There is some payoff, some satisfaction that you gain form subjecting your wife to this abuse.

There is some underlying psychological reward you gain, and it is by no means healthy or sound.

But it's there, nevertheless.

 

And again, I agree:

You cannot eliminate working on your marriage, while 'working on yourself'.

The two go hand in hand - indeed, I would go so far as to say that working on your marriage, and in turn, therefore also working on yourself, would be more positive, productive and compassionate.

 

It's time you put your wife first, above all other things: It's time you took care of her in health, as well as in sickness. It's time to step up to the plate, and as well as telling her you are wrong to treat her that way, to actually show her, demonstrably, that you can treat her right, in every way.

[jennaflorrie]

My post here "I was abused for 22 years and then he changed" tells the story from the wife's side.

 

My husband too states he loves me and I am an angel and that he loves no one else. He too has accepted blame for his terrible verbal abuse of me. He used to flip from hot to cold and it is an erosion of the spirit and YOUR marriage.

 

One day your wife will just go. I did.

 

I gave him another chance though. And so far he is proving himself.....had a few flips but he is determined to be a good dad a good man a good husband.

 

He comes to church with me and says he needs all the help he can get.

 

I hope and pray that you too, can make steps to change. Your marriage vows were not just for Better and Worse but to LOVE HONOUR and CHERISH. Which is what I reminded my husband when we split up in 2012.......he said "You are meant to be with me till death do us part" and I said "You were meant to LOVE Honour and CHERISH".

 

So, so important for the husband and wife to Respect each other, to speak kindly to each other.

 

Verbal Abuse....any kind of abuse will KILL your marriage just as much as Adultery. Good luck. x

[pcplod]

Hi

 

I am going to try to be a tactful in saying what I am going to say as possible while at the same time knowing that really isn't possible. It isn't possible because otherwise it would be tantamount to being disingenuous.

 

I'm presuming you are at the stage you are, absolute crisis point, because your long-suffering wife has uttered the words "I want a divorce". Or words to a similar effect. After 23 years or so of suffering, of arguments, and complaints and pleas, she has absolutely had enough. The horse has well and truly left the stable.

 

Marriage or any similar relationship, as I see it, is based primarily on trust and respect. Things like sexual affinity, friendship, compatibility, general affinity, love even, are actually secondary to that.

 

In other words, without that inherent, intrinsic trust and respect, the other aspects can't be maintained, sustained. It is inherent, intrinsic in the relationship because unless you have behavioural issues of your own that you bring into a relationship, you accept that those values are there, will be there. You don't consciously look for them, you just expect them to be there. You can't make them, you can only destroy them and you destroyed your wife' trust and respect in you by not having trust and respect for her.

 

I don't know to what extent she may or may not have made her own contribution to that. I would never take it for granted that she has not, even if you say she has not. Judgement on these issues will inevitably be flawed, either by virtue of taking none of the blame or all of the blame. Finding a true representation of you own part is always difficult to arrive at in times of extreme stress, anxiety, depression and, inevitably, despair.

 

The bottom line is your wife's trust in you and respect for you died a long time ago. I think, for the sake of your salvation, not your marriage, you have to accept that simply for what it is. If by some miracle, and it indeed would be a miracle, if there was somehow some of the trust and respect still alive, that would be an undeserved blessing.

 

I think you also have to accept the strong possibility that even if she and you were to somehow patch the marriage up, there is no way of putting the genie back into the bottle. It is impossible to 'unknow' that which you have already experienced. It really is as simple as that. You effectively so badly want to travel back in time and reset the clock, but how is that possible? Where or what would you actually be resetting it to?

 

I'm guessing that you have cried and pleaded for one more chance, possibly not for the first time and that you have promised, again, that you can and will change. Any value that may have dubiously had the first time around will have been spent a long time ago. So, is it useful, to you, to say, please don't go, give me another chance, I'll get help? Or is it best to accept that, as you have acceded, that it is maybe already too late and this is not about the marriage now, but about you. About your future, as a more agreeable, self-aware, mature, capable person, no matter what your own future brings you.

 

To be honest, I have no idea what has driven you to behave as you have done and do. You offer your own view as to what that might be, ie your upbringing, your childhood I wonder whether you might be reading too much into it. I, like you, was brought up in a similar environment and I would say, purely personally, that it may well not engender a positive attitude towards personal relationships because you have not had the practical experience to develop the natural skills to allow you to cope in such relationships. Whether that extends to a wholly negative attitude to such relationships is another matter entirely. I guess, purely as a hunch, that if the dynamics of such a relationship put you under psychological and emotional pressure because you have never learnt to deal with what such intimacy involves, then, I guess, it is possible that your non-emotive upbringing may have created the catalyst for your destructive behaviour.

 

I assume that you are throwing yourself into therapy as a manifest gesture in an effort to save your marriage, but I would counsel you to see this exclusively about you.

 

There are and will be no overnight miracles and that is maybe what your marriage needs right now. but you have to realise that it could take weeks, months, years of such therapy, self-development effectively, before any significant gains are experienced. Your marriage probably doesn't have that time.

 

It isn't about learning, it isn't about understanding, it is about knowing, it is about behaving, it is about reacting, maybe in a way that is still never instinctive but at least is always at the fore in your conscious thoughts and that when you fail to adhere to it, that you do admonish yourself, but that you don't despair over it or self-flagellate over it but calmly accept that each and every time you do fail that you will strive, strive and strive again to do better in the future.

 

You aren't seeking to do favours for anyone else in this, It is truly about you and in that sense there is nothing selfish about that, only potential good, potential benefit. You gain and the world gains.

 

I hope that you do find your salvation and that even if you can't save your marriage, that you can save yourself. The right to save your marriage you have passed entirely over to your wife. I am sure you already appreciate that. If your marriage should collapse, don't give up on this essential process, don't give up on yourself. It will still be worthwhile. Others will notice and they will be grateful.

 

Good luck, I know it is going to be tough for you.

[spiderowl]

What you have described suggests that you have reached a point where your wife has given you some sort of ultimatum. While you do sound as if you want to do something about it now, why didn't you spot the problem before? Quite honestly, it may be too late because she's probably had enough and once feelings change deep down, they rarely change back.

 

Having said that, I think that people do often follow the trend they found in their own families. My family was loving but not physically affectionate and the loving was mixed with a lot of criticism and bullying. When I saw an elderly couple recently being loving and respectful towards each other, after over 30 years or marriage, I was astonished. I don't think my parents were like that towards each other for an hour, that I recall. Obviously, it does affect one in later life as parents teach you how you should be treated and what we think most people will expect. Have a think about what lessons your family taught you about how to love and respect another person.

[spiderowl]

Could it be about insecurity and control? A bubbly, happy wife might seem more out of control than a cowed, quiet lady. She might also seem more attractive to other guys. Maybe it stems from a need to control and/or fear of loss.

[Downtown]

My flipping from nice and mean is probably worse than just being mean. Why am I like this?

Change, I agree with Pteromom that your rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde -- i.e., between loving her and devaluing her -- is one of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). What you are describing sounds like the "black-white thinking" that occurs when a person categorizes everyone as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). This all-or-nothing thinking is believed to occur because -- probably due to a childhood trauma that interrupted emotional development -- the BPD sufferer never learned how to regulate his own emotions very well and did not develop a strong sense of who he is.

 

Yet, if you actually do have moderate to strong pattern of BPD traits, you would be exhibiting several other classic BPD traits as well. Moreover, those traits would have been persistent throughout your marriage and would not have shown up only in recent years. Hence, if your repeated cycle of push-her-away and pull-her-back behavior has been persistent since your mid-teens, I would suggest you read more about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar.

 

If you are interested, an easy place to start reading is my description of such traits at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you -- and I imagine that Pteromom would as well.

 

I caution that you will not be able to determine whether your BPD traits are sufficiently severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD." Only a professional like your IC can determine that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs for BPD if you take time to learn what red flags to look for. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, easily triggered temper tantrums, and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde behavior. This is why hundreds of the leading hospitals and mental health clinics are bringing these symptoms to public attention by posting them on their websites. Take care, Change.

[Emilia]

I don't hit my wife. But I am coming to realization that my verbal abuse is far more damaging than bruises. I neglect her emotional needs, I ignore her, call her names and often have her crying hysterically. I accuse her of cheating when I clearly know she is not. I am an ass to her. But I am realizing as I type this, my flipping from nice and mean is probably worse than just being mean.

Agree with pteromom and Downtown after being on the receiving end of this. Follow their advice. Good luck.