Girlfriend breaks up with me says she loves me but needs to figure herself out.

[marccayen]

Hi I am new here I am looking for advice on what to do with this relationship as I feel its supposed to be over like this... Before I start here is a little background info... I am 22 She is 25 before we started dating she was fresh out of a 5 year relationship.. we both met each other at work im a full time associate at a auto plant and she is a summer student contract and her student contract is up in august.. We hung out for nearly a month in a half before establishing our relationship and actually having any sexual encounters (I held myself back in case she would go back with her ex and I didn't want to be a rebound)

 

Anyways my ex and I have dated for 8 almost 9 months and she broke up with me on Monday saying that she needed time for herself and to figure out what she wanted in life she said these were old feelings coming back and that she may have jumped into a relationship too quick... After she told me this she said she still very much loved me and that she really did hope that maybe one day we would cross paths again and get back together but she also told me not to wait and that she was sure I would find someone else. Now let me back track to a few weeks before this.

 

On June 9th we had a minor argument (nothing huge minor) and its very rare that we would argue( A bunch more better times than bad) after this argument I asked her if she was still happy with the relationship. She said yes but hesitated and said that she had old feelings coming back and that in the back of her head she wanted to be single and alone for a while. She mentioned that she never intended to get into a relationship so quick after she got out of a long term one of 5 years. I then told her to hang on and hopefully that the feelings will pass and that I loved her very much and she said yes and that she loved me very much as well. She also told me the reason she did open herself up to me so quick was because I made her feel special, pretty, beautiful and gave her butterfly in her stomach when ever I kissed her and that her ex never wanted to do things with her one thing she appreciated is that I WANTED to be with her and do things she wanted to do. All these things she never had with her ex who was verbally abusive towards her and never really told her that he loved her. (2 Months in I pulled the love word out and right away she said it back.... We were in love)...

 

After we used the love word for the first time not too long after we started talking about saving for a house and eventually starting a family, picking names for our kids... Then not too long after that she had mentioned that It was probably too soon to start saving for a house and that she just wanted to have fun for the summer and be able to spend money like she wanted so I then held back and said that was fine and I was happy to just do alot of fun things during our summer. (We both live with our parents)... A few months later down the road the whole moving together idea came back but this time it was to rent a house with her brother and girlfriend so it will still be cheap for all of use to live in and we were thinking of doing this around October of 2013.. I told her that I would cover all the expenses and all she had to do was focus on her online course and work part time hours somewhere (Her student contract at the auto plant is done in august) so she can pay for her car insurance phone etc... nothing major...

 

And now back to the conversation of June 9th she did a major 360.... after that conversation she explained the next day what her feelings were. She said that she wanted to do things for herself figure herself out and not have to worry about me in the process... She said she wanted to travel out west to go she one of her best friends for 3-4 weeks and I told her I was completely cool with and that I understood that she needed time for herself. Not long after that she mentioned she wanted to move from where she lived to Toronto and saying how she never had to chance to really experience living there while she was in college and that she wanted to move there with one of her other bestfriends and that it was one of their childhood dreams... I told it her it fine (But I was a little disappointed inside) and that I loved her very much and that the hour drive wouldn't keep me from going to see her.

 

From that time until Friday June 21st she got a little more and more distant doing more on her own but still texting me like she always did called me like she always did but was just spending more time on her own. And I guess it kinda frustrated me

 

On Friday June 21st we were on evening shift (working until 12 am) before work I asked her if she wanted to hang out after work and she replied saying how she wanted to go to a local bar alone with her girl friends.. I said that was cool and to have fun... Lunch came around I asked her if her friends were still going she said she wasn't sure but she was still wanting to go alone (Very small town everyone knows each other in the bar, She is a very social girl and just wanted to be able to walk around the bar talk to people she knew and not have to worry about being with me the whole time to keep me company) After she said that I guess I kinda got my back up and said so what your going to just hang out there alone and talk to random people.. and she replied Yup in a very rude way... I was kinda pissed and just left lunch and went back to work. I trust this girl 100 percent I feel it was just kinda weird but I know all she wanted to have was a couple of hour by herself and I failed to give that to her. I guess I was more pissed by the fact that she didn't want to spend a bit of time with me and she knows I love small bars and that I can easily just be as social as she can.

 

Anyways Saturday came around she texted me in the morning saying "Hey babe hope you had a good sleep im a little upset/angry still and I would like to just be by myself for today".. I said ok and apologized told her that I loved her and she texted me back saying I love you too. So I gave her space and gave her the day to herself. later that night I was drunk and asked her if we could talk and all she said was we will talk tomorrow..

 

Our original plan for the weekend was Sunday we were supposed to go the drive-in to watch a couple of movies but during the day she had to go to a baby shower with her mom... So during the day her brother and I (Good Friends) went out mudding with our trucks and so on and told her I would see her at her place around 6 pm... So we met up and first thing she did was kiss me and told me she loved me... I asked her if we were still going to the drive in and she said she wasn't sure and that she wanted to go for a quick ride and talk.. So we parked at her old public school and talked she asked me how I felt.. I told her that I felt that I was put on the side burner for the past few weeks and that she seemed a little more distant.. She then told me that she wanted to break up with me and that she was confused felt sick and felt that she needed to figure herself out and be by herself and that she wanted to do things on her own for a while... I was pretty hurt by things and I guess I kinda begged her not to do it and convinced her that we were going to have a good night together and just take the night to think about.. She agreed so we went to the drive in with her brother and his girlfriend had a great time it was fun.. Then when the movies ended we left and go onto a side road and made love in the back of the truck and we spent the night together at her place... We got up the next day I went over to kiss her but the kiss didn't feel real... I asked her what was wrong she told me that her feelings are back and she started crying saying she had to do it and that she loved me and still cared for me... So we both ended up calling in that day and spending the majority of it talking swimming in the pool had some pretty romantic moments where everything seemed good and then everything would go dark again.. I tried to talk her out of it telling her that it just seemed to quick and that we should try to work on things together and that I was there for her. She insisted that it was for her to do this for herself and that it was only for herself. So I eventually left and respected her decision and told her that I loved her very much and still wanted to be friends and she said the same that she loved me and that she will miss me and that I was the best boyfriend she ever had... I left but I forgot my bag of clothes that I brought the night before..

 

So I asked her to bring my bag to work and that I would get it from her the next day at work... That night after work she met me at my truck she handed my bag to me...I didn't really wanted look at her in her eyes because I kinda felt betrayed I didn't really say anything and pretty much gave her a cold shoulder... She looked at me and said your not going to say anything?? Your not going to give me a hug??? I just simply told her that I said everything I had to say the day before and that I thought she was throwing something good away..So I ended up giving in and giving her a hug and kiss and told that I still loved her very much and that she would always be my pretty girl and she said pretty much the same except that I would always be her french boy (I am french )... So after work my original plans were that I was supposed to go to her brothers place for a few beers which I did but then my she showed up.... Asked me if we could talk at her parents place.. So I went to her parents that night.. we talked and I pretty much told her again that I felt she was making a mistake and I really hoped that she would give us one chance.... She accepted and I ended staying the night and we ended up having sex again... Everything was fine we were together again.... Got up the next day everything was good. Went on with our week... So anyways this past weekend we went to her friends place for the Canada day long weekend.. She was there Saturday and went by herself to hangout and go out with her friend(The one she wants to move to Toronto with) and I stayed behind and went out with my friends on saturday and the plan was for me to go up sunday morning... So I ended up getting there everything is cool sunday we went to her friends place for dinner and a fire slept together again that night but the next day everything went to **** again.. She said she had the feelings.. So she broke things off again.. I didn't fight it this time just accepted it and told her I respected her decision told her I still loved her she said the same and that if were meant to be that we will be together again later down the road.... We ended up spending Canada day together with her friend went to the fireworks as friends no kissing holding hands we didn't even sleep in the same bed... Got up this morning had breakfast and one last talk that had her balling her eyes out and saying she loved me and that shes going to miss me...

 

Side notes....

 

I feel that this friend she wants to go to Toronto with is influencing her decision... This friend was gone to Cambodia for 8 months and when she came back.. Around the same time my girlfriend started acting weird... Because before this friend came back my girlfriend was glued to me constantly asking me to do things with her and then boom 360 friend is back and now she wants to be single again..... And yes her friend is single.

 

Anyways what I want to know is what should I do? I really don't want to lose her I love her so much and I feel that she feels the same way about me but has things to figure out.. I dont want to push her away.

 

What should I do if she contacts me a few weeks down the road asking to hang out? Should I initiate contact? Im so confused I love her and I don't want to lose her.

 

Please help!

[hoping2heal]

Is she a marathoner by any chance?

 

I had to ask since she seems to have such a keen knack for running. She just runs and runs and runs from anything unpleasant she'd have to face. She breaks up from a serious relationship and she runs to you. She has woes in her relationship with you, and decides she ought to run off to Toronto. I'm not really sure what you can do except maybe buy her a new pair of sneakers for her next run. In all seriousness, she doesn't want to face or deal with her problems, she wants to avoid them. You can't force her to deal with her sh*t. You can allow her to play around with you for a little while more before she inevitably runs off but that no doubt will be the outcome. I'm sorry you were hurt.

[marccayen]

Is she a marathoner by any chance?

 

I had to ask since she seems to have such a keen knack for running. She just runs and runs and runs from anything unpleasant she'd have to face. She breaks up from a serious relationship and she runs to you. She has woes in her relationship with you, and decides she ought to run off to Toronto. I'm not really sure what you can do except maybe buy her a new pair of sneakers for her next run. In all seriousness, she doesn't want to face or deal with her problems, she wants to avoid them. You can't force her to deal with her sh*t. You can allow her to play around with you for a little while more before she inevitably runs off but that no doubt will be the outcome. I'm sorry you were hurt.

 

I don't think she is a "marathon runner" The reason why she broke up with her ex was because he was verbally abusive and she wanted more... She wanted kids a house and to get married with this guy but he never commited so she gave up and I guess she wanted to be single and live that kind of life for a while but then she met me... This girl is a dreamer, scatter brain or w/e you want to call it because that's what her brother calls her and her parents... She finds something that she wants to do but a week later she will find something better...

 

And for the the moving to Toronto part... I feel that this is another one of her dreams... Because honestly she is not financially able to do this... I really hope all this is .. is time for her to breathe and realize what she really wants and in the end I hope she realizes that shes throwing away the one thing she wanted for all those years.

[hoping2heal]

I don't think she is a "marathon runner" The reason why she broke up with her ex was because he was verbally abusive and she wanted more... She wanted kids a house and to get married with this guy but he never commited so she gave up and I guess she wanted to be single and live that kind of life for a while but then she met me... This girl is a dreamer, scatter brain or w/e you want to call it because that's what her brother calls her and her parents... She finds something that she wants to do but a week later she will find something better...

 

And for the the moving to Toronto part... I feel that this is another one of her dreams... Because honestly she is not financially able to do this... I really hope all this is .. is time for her to breathe and realize what she really wants and in the end I hope she realizes that shes throwing away the one thing she wanted for all those years.

 

She's flakey and she runs from everything. I'm not trying to be argumentative. The thing is if she's this flighty then by the time she realizes what she's lost she will have found herself in another "situation" more than likely. She needs to do some growing up. She's willing to put herself into a situation that she can't even afford - in other words she's still trying to grow up and be an adult.

[flitzanu]

i don't think you're going to have a good outcome.

 

"i need to figure myself out" = "i'm breaking up with you to pursue other things"

[marccayen]

She's flakey and she runs from everything. I'm not trying to be argumentative. The thing is if she's this flighty then by the time she realizes what she's lost she will have found herself in another "situation" more than likely. She needs to do some growing up. She's willing to put herself into a situation that she can't even afford - in other words she's still trying to grow up and be an adult.

 

Thanks for your honest opinion... I guess she does in a way need to grow up and I have said it before... Just not to her.

 

But now another question is what should I do...

Say a week from now she texts or calls me asking me to come over and hang out or just talk in general.. Should I go NC or being very simple and try to avoid getting to close to quick? And get her to fight for me for a change? I just want her to also realize that she cant keep doing this.. even though it is our first break up... But deep down inside I feel she will eventually want me back.. weeks, month or months

[marccayen]

I agree, normally this is the case and many times it can be the ex who is back in the picture.

 

What do you mean by " many times it can be the ex who is back in the picture"?

Edited July 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Art_Critic]

What do you mean by " many times it can be the ex who is back in the picture"?

 

I'll bet it means that there is a possibility that her ex is back in the picture.

It doesn't mean he is but there are many times a girl gives the ole I have to go find myself line that it is her ex or someone else she is lining up.

[marccayen]

I'll bet it means that there is a possibility that her ex is back in the picture.

It doesn't mean he is but there are many times a girl gives the ole I have to go find myself line that it is her ex or someone else she is lining up.

 

 

I know 100% that this isn't the case... The ex has moved on with his life and has a new girlfriend... And well I would know if my girlfriend was taking to her ex because I did have access to her facebook and cellphone and she did mine as well..

[marccayen]

Basically guys what I am really asking is if I should go NC and Run

Go NC and allow her to come to me...

Or say next few days she asks me to go over and hangout as friends should I allow that?

[amkxoxo]

I'm legit going through a similar experience with a guy right now. He likes me a lot but doesn't want a relationship right now. We are going to continue to talk and I'm trying to give him space to figure his life out. I would suggest you do the same. She probably does love you a lot, but needs to figure herself out internally. It really has nothing to do with you, and I know it hurts, cause I'm still feeling it, but you have to remember its all about her. My guy, as well had just gotten out of a long relationship, and as over it as it was, its still a big part of his life. She could be terrified of all the future plans you are making. In her mind she might have been at this place in her life before and each time it ended with her broken heart. This could scare her. Again, its nothing to do with you. She might need to do some soul searching and get her heart and mind in a better place to totally be with you. If you continue to act like your in a relationship but in your head you think your helping them and are waiting for them, they will keep pushing you away. I know its hard and I'm still struggling with it myself now, but be her friend. Be there for her. But be there for yourself first. She is focusing on herself now, that is why she is taking a break with you. You should do the same. I'm not quite ready to date yet, and I might not, but I hope he wants me back like he says he will eventually. I hope the same for you. Good Luck

[marccayen]

I'm legit going through a similar experience with a guy right now. He likes me a lot but doesn't want a relationship right now. We are going to continue to talk and I'm trying to give him space to figure his life out. I would suggest you do the same. She probably does love you a lot, but needs to figure herself out internally. It really has nothing to do with you, and I know it hurts, cause I'm still feeling it, but you have to remember its all about her. My guy, as well had just gotten out of a long relationship, and as over it as it was, its still a big part of his life. She could be terrified of all the future plans you are making. In her mind she might have been at this place in her life before and each time it ended with her broken heart. This could scare her. Again, its nothing to do with you. She might need to do some soul searching and get her heart and mind in a better place to totally be with you. If you continue to act like your in a relationship but in your head you think your helping them and are waiting for them, they will keep pushing you away. I know its hard and I'm still struggling with it myself now, but be her friend. Be there for her. But be there for yourself first. She is focusing on herself now, that is why she is taking a break with you. You should do the same. I'm not quite ready to date yet, and I might not, but I hope he wants me back like he says he will eventually. I hope the same for you. Good Luck

 

Thanks! Good luck to you as well.

[itto ogami]

When somebody breaks up - walk away. Give them immediately what they want. It's a win-win and healthy and mature.

[marccayen]

When somebody breaks up - walk away. Give them immediately what they want. It's a win-win and healthy and mature.

 

alright thanks

[Chi townD]

Meh....sounds like a case of the GIGS. But, what's concerning to me is that she kept telling you that "old feelings" were coming back. I have to wonder if she's been in contact with her Ex.

 

Here's what you need to do. Go NC on her complete no contact. Remember, she has decided that she wants you out of her life. This is her choice, not yours. Therefore, you give her exactly that. You need to block her on Facebook and not respond to any texts or phonecalls. She made the choice to have you gone, now she has to live with her choices. You need to be firm on this.

[marccayen]

Meh....sounds like a case of the GIGS. But, what's concerning to me is that she kept telling you that "old feelings" were coming back. I have to wonder if she's been in contact with her Ex.

 

Here's what you need to do. Go NC on her complete no contact. Remember, she has decided that she wants you out of her life. This is her choice, not yours. Therefore, you give her exactly that. You need to block her on Facebook and not respond to any texts or phonecalls. She made the choice to have you gone, now she has to live with her choices. You need to be firm on this.

 

I talked to her about her "Old Feelings" and about it with her brother (Good friend of mine) She told me that her feelings were that she wanted to be alone for a while and just things without worrying about being restricted or hurting me... Her brother explained to me that those type of feelings were why she left her ex boyfriend a while back.. (She wanted to go to Toronto etc)... Her ex boyfriend would never want to do anything with her and always argued with her about her wanting to do certain things.

 

The thing about NC is that I do agree with it but I don't want to completely throw the chance of being together away.. I really love this girl and she loves me and cares about me and says she sure or hopes that we can eventually cross paths again in the future but then she also says she needs time on her own to focus on herself....

 

Its going to be extremely hard for me to shut her out because she still works where I work and she wants to be friends.. When I left her the last time I told her I had to go NC for a few weeks to try and get over the strong feelings I have for her and that's why she started balling her eyes out... When she originally broke up with me on the monday the next day when we got back together for a brief moment that night she said she was scared of taking a risk of trying to work things out now and throwing away the chance of us being able to do it later down the road...

 

Like im so confused I understand she needs to be alone and focus on herself try to get a career going or for her to just realize that she needs me now.. Idk

 

Complete NC is kinda scary for me.

[Chi townD]

It is a scary thing. No one wants to lose the person that they love. But, we do it for our own sanity and gives us the opportunity to heal. You have to remember this, she making the choice to have you gone! You are not a boyfriend, lover, significant other....you have no title to her, you have no ties to her. Right now, you're nothing to her.

 

Plus, NC makes her think too. By her own choice, you're not there anymore. You're not going to be able to give her advice. Your not there to lend an ear when she wants to vent about her day, you're not available to cuddle with her and make her feel safe and secure, you're not there to make her laugh when she feels like she's going to cry. She wants to remain friends with you so you can still provide those things to her without her giving anything back because you're "just friends". But, once she finds someone else to fill that role, I guarantee, you'll be kicked to the curb because you've been replaced. And she'll give you some dumb excuse like, " My new boyfriend doesn't like when we talk so much, so I don't want to rock the boat with him. So, we need to cool it for a while." And you're stuck holding the bag and your heart broken.

 

She needs to miss you. She needs to see what her life is going to be like without you in it.

 

So, you need to go NC and live your life as if she isn't coming back, because chances are she's not. Sorry.

[marccayen]

It is a scary thing. No one wants to lose the person that they love. But, we do it for our own sanity and gives us the opportunity to heal. You have to remember this, she making the choice to have you gone! You are not a boyfriend, lover, significant other....you have no title to her, you have no ties to her. Right now, you're nothing to her.

 

Plus, NC makes her think too. By her own choice, you're not there anymore. You're not going to be able to give her advice. Your not there to lend an ear when she wants to vent about her day, you're not available to cuddle with her and make her feel safe and secure, you're not there to make her laugh when she feels like she's going to cry. She wants to remain friends with you so you can still provide those things to her without her giving anything back because you're "just friends". But, once she finds someone else to fill that role, I guarantee, you'll be kicked to the curb because you've been replaced. And she'll give you some dumb excuse like, " My new boyfriend doesn't like when we talk so much, so I don't want to rock the boat with him. So, we need to cool it for a while." And you're stuck holding the bag and your heart broken.

 

She needs to miss you. She needs to see what her life is going to be like without you in it.

 

So, you need to go NC and live your life as if she isn't coming back, because chances are she's not. Sorry.

 

Alright thanks Chi TownD

[amkxoxo]

It is a scary thing. No one wants to lose the person that they love. But, we do it for our own sanity and gives us the opportunity to heal. You have to remember this, she making the choice to have you gone! You are not a boyfriend, lover, significant other....you have no title to her, you have no ties to her. Right now, you're nothing to her.

 

Plus, NC makes her think too. By her own choice, you're not there anymore. You're not going to be able to give her advice. Your not there to lend an ear when she wants to vent about her day, you're not available to cuddle with her and make her feel safe and secure, you're not there to make her laugh when she feels like she's going to cry. She wants to remain friends with you so you can still provide those things to her without her giving anything back because you're "just friends". But, once she finds someone else to fill that role, I guarantee, you'll be kicked to the curb because you've been replaced. And she'll give you some dumb excuse like, " My new boyfriend doesn't like when we talk so much, so I don't want to rock the boat with him. So, we need to cool it for a while." And you're stuck holding the bag and your heart broken.

 

She needs to miss you. She needs to see what her life is going to be like without you in it.

 

So, you need to go NC and live your life as if she isn't coming back, because chances are she's not. Sorry.

 

You seem to have some really good advice....im in a similar situation. We went steady for 3 months and he said he didn't know what the summer would bring....us being 3 hours away, and he wanted to just wait and see how things would progress instead of jumping into a relationship that could fail depending on his life. He met me fresh out of a relationship that left him hurt and vunerable. Well his life has been crap since he's been home. He's stressed, depressed, and is trying to get his whole life together, since he just graduated. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship right now, and he feels guilty all the time. He says he still really likes me, and he won't say were just friends. "What we have has no title" as he puts it. He says that when his life is better, and more put together he will probably be more apt to wake up and realize "I can't live without you and need you".Then he said that he will fight for me and make it known he needs me. When I saw him in person he gave me a romantic hug with a head nuzzle into my neck, but when i asked for a kiss he said he didn't think it was a good idea. Mixed Signals??. He asked me if I loved him, and I said I couldnt be sure yet, but I actually really do. he tells me all this stuff about, "i could be such a great boyfriend, I would want everyone to know you were mine, and show you off, be so romantic." All that he says he can't give me right now, but in the future. I would love him indefinitely if he could give me more of what he talks about. We are on good terms and I assured him I wasn't mad at him or anything. I'm not. At this point I don't know if I should wait around, see other people. He told me I shouldnt wait around. I want to keep contact, so maybe we can get into something more serious in the future, but I'm unsure about how much. Any Advice??