Girlfriend "Cheated" when we were "exclusive"

[hurt_girl]

Any advice would be helpful and I guess I'm only posting because I feel so confused and hurt. Sorry this may be a bit long.

 

I came out of a 6 year long term relationship (same sex) last year. It was terrible, and I think I stayed too long because the ex tried to kill herself in front of me when I tried to leave early on. I was not ready to be in another relationship but I decided to meet lots of people. Now I wasn't really intentionally playing the field, I just felt so trapped for so long. I met three women and dated them concurrently ... now I am in a relationship with one of the women, let's call her J.

 

The thing is I was always honest and open about seeing other people and J kept pretending that she was fine with it. In fact she made it appear like she was playing the field too. She wasn't really, she slept with someone she didn't even like once or twice when we first started seeing each other because she said that was the only way she could justify that I was doing the same thing. Anyway, I did like the women I was seeing and I wasn't using them, I was genuinely getting to know them and enjoyed their company and everyone knew where I was at because I am open about it.

 

Now I obviously started liking J a lot but she kept putting up a front and when we went out she would get really drunk (I thought she was alcoholic! she really is not) and flirt outrageously with others. She's kissed a few people in my presence, to be fair I have done the same. She didn't sleep with anyone else this whole time except for the girl at the start but she stopped seeing her very quickly because she really liked me apparently. However the way she was acting, none of it made it look like she wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. Anyway, things progressed this way for about 3 months and then I felt like we needed to talk about things as I was starting to feel guilty for seeing other people .. like I felt we had more between us. Still, I was very conscious that I wasn't ready to be committed after my recent 6 year relationship ... she finally blurted out that yes it hurt her that I was sleeping others but she refused to tell me anymore than that, that she wanted to be with me and date me or anything. So I got upset, freaked out (afraid of how I was falling for her so quickly and she was giving me nothing ... it was a mixture of fear and vulnerability), I went out the next night and I slept with one of the other girls I was seeing.

 

When J found out she was so mad and made me grovel for days but decided to give us a chance... I made the decision to stop seeing other people because I really really like J and I acknowledge I messed up because I freaked out. She "took me back" and I kept telling her that I don't want to get hurt because I've just been through something major in my life with the end of the relationship, selling up my house, coming out to my family etc. I think she was still angry with me and acted so.

 

Anyway very soon after she "took me back" we went on a whirlwind trip to Japan and then she returned to Australia and I was out of the country for a few weeks more. During that time it seemed like she was getting constantly angry with me but I know now is that she didn't know how to deal with her hurt by what I did. When I came back to Australia we carried on and things were good ... except she would start acting up on me about how I hurt her by sleeping with someone after she told me that it would hurt her and how she had to put up with me sleeping with these other people the whole time we were dating and she felt she had no choice but to put up with it or stop seeing me which she didn't want to do.

 

ANyway I got a bit frustrated with the way she continued to treat me, like everything I did wasn't good enough, that I was moving too slowly for her I didn't like her enough. Anyway this whole time I had assumed we were seeing each other exclusively as she made it very clear that she would not tolerate me seeing other people. Well finally one day she came clean and told me that whilst I was overseas she slept with the friend and yes she had lied to me about it when I asked (this happened about a month after I hurt her by sleeping with the girl). I went berserk and accused her of cheating on me. She was very upset and crying when she confessed (she had hidden it for 3 months), she said she didn't know how to handle her emotions, she was so angry and upset with me and so hurt she felt like the only way she could justify my actions was if she did the same thing. She confessed that she was putting up a front and flirted and drank so much back then because that was the only way she knew how to deal with it and pretend to me that she was ok about what I was doing. She said it happened once and she didn't even like the girl and that it was bad. She said she only wanted to stop feeling that much for me and she didn't tell me and had to lie because she was a coward and she didn't want to lose me. It didn't make her feel any better about things.

 

I was furious because I had been in the presence of this other girl and feel like the fool for not knowing what went all. This girl was also hurt by J as she genuinely liked J. Anyway I thought I would give it a chance and she wanted us to be exclusive and she didn't want us to sleep with anyone else, she looked really traumatised when I angrily said, how would you feel if i got back at you by sleeping with someone!. Anyway I see it as cheating and the worse thing is lying. I hate lying. Further on I realised that she had lied about not having spoken to others about it so I feel even more the fool that other people knew. This was lie after lie. We "officially got together" about 3 months ago and she's been very good , treats me well, is patient with me, open to discussing things and assures me that the person she was was not who she really is, she was just really hurt by me. I think I only tolerated it because I know she acted out of hurt and we were officially not "together" though I was being exclusive at that time because that was what she made it clear she wanted.

 

Anyway l know I've gone on long enough, but at this point it still haunts me, I still have a hard time trusting her and now I'm psycho if she so much as touches another person. I am also obsessing over an ex fling of hers who wants her back and who is really hot and I can't stop being jealous and constantly compare myself to this ex fling. I don't care about the friend she 'cheated' on me with because I know she didn't like her, that was more about the humiliation and the lying. Anyway I'm just confused, the whole experience has just turned me into a paranoid insecure obsessive and controlling person. I really want to be with J, if we hadn't started off like this I think we could have been really good but now we're fighting all the time (mainly cos of me) and I am depressed and anxious and it's really getting her down. I reiterate she has been very good and transparent since everything's happened and assures me she loves me all the time but I can't stop obsessing over her ex fling, and the "cheating" and humiliation (the circle is very small) and the lies. What would you do? I know she loves me and I love her too.

Edited July 3, 2013 by hurt_girl

[salparadise]

As a hetero guy I'm about as far from the lesbian world as one can be, but certain aspects of this story are simply about human qualities essential to pretty much all relationships...

 

I'm talking about trust, integrity, respect, dedication and the intent to have a faithful, monogamous relationship based in these qualities. It seems like none of these things are a priority though based on behaviors. You all are driven by libido and emotion without much in the way of restraint, loyalty or intention. Hooking up and jealousy are the constants throughout your narrative. There also seems to be a competitive nature to it all. Your theme seems to be that you've always told the truth, so therefore you deserve a loving, faithful partner who meets your needs, and you don't understand why this isn't happening.

 

Here's my take... if you do indeed want a loving, faithful relationship then you need to start it out that way, with a person who inherently possess those qualities. And the best way to do that is to put integrity and emotional stability at the top of your list of priorities. You're probably not going to find such people in venues where hooking up indiscriminately is the norm.

 

In the hetero world, we generally accept that if you don't have trust you simply don't have the basis for a relationship. Nobody wants to be with someone they always have to worry about because they know they'll cheat if the get a chance. We move on for our own sanity, with the knowledge that you can't change someone's basic nature. You also have to consider whether you're capable of trusting and are worthy of being trusted, since the common denominator in all of your relationships is you.

 

I think you just need to do some big-picture reassessment of what you want in this life, and decide if your current partner is capable of the kind of relationship that will meet your needs, irrespective of the attachment. And consider that what you seem to be wanting is not really consistent with the lifestyle you've been leading or the people you've met that way. Maybe it's time for a paradigm shift?

Edited July 3, 2013 by salparadise

[hurt_girl]

Thanks for your response. I need to clarify that I was definitely acting out after the break up. It has never been who I was. I was always conservative (in fact that's what my ex accused me of when she left me). I definitely feel that I'm trustworthy. I have never cheated on anyone I've been with before, not even in my 6 year relationship where we were living such separate lives in the same house. I have always been responsible towards my ex's emotional well being to a point where I felt like it sucked all the life out of me. She suffered from depression and tried to kill herself in front of me at one point because I tried to leave her. I ended up with anxiety during the relationship. After the break up (I hung in there for six long years), only one of the 3 women I met at a club, the other were not through the hooking up routine and I did not go out and sleep with them when I first met them. We did go out partying though and it was then I guess she was trying to 'show me up'. I understand that what was happening wasn't right but we were both not wanting to get hurt or to seem vulnerable. She said that I had made it clear i wasn't ready for a relationship so what was she to do?

 

I have seen who she has been since we settled into an exclusive relationship. She's been transparent and trustworthy but because of what happened before that, I am having trouble letting go of my insecurity. Now is this my problem? Should I be able to let it go? I must admit my self-esteem isn't very high especially when I start falling for someone, I become very vulnerable and not who I like at all. She is willing and ready to seek counselling with me so we can start working on our relationship. I know at this point I can trust her, it's just that I can't let go of her past fling (over a year ago) who is trying to reconnect with her whom I know she really had a thing for and who I feel is prettier, smarter and younger than me. I think what she did at the start of us seeing each other really crushed my confidence in myself.

 

I am hoping that counselling will help but I would like to know how people have managed to get past this jealousy and trust issue especially when the start was so rocky. Now that we are definitely committed I know we are both really wanting this to work. Can it? Has anyone gotten past something like this?

Edited July 3, 2013 by hurt_girl

[salparadise]

Based on your second post, it seems that your issue is specific, not generalized as I interpreted it from the original. Is your partner communicating with this other person whom she had the fling with? It seems to me that a big part of the solution is for the two of them to have no further contact (which is not unreasonable), and for you to work on just letting it go. The outcome is not within your realm of control, therefore it's irrational to have all of this anxiety over it. If you really do trust her, and if she's not doing things to trigger your jealousy, then just try to relax and enjoy being in the moment.

 

It seems to me, based on you saying that you get this anxiety in response to feeling vulnerable when you start caring for someone, that it's more your issue than a couple's issue, although she can do things to help. I do believe that you can improve this through therapy and would encourage you to pursue that avenue specifically. Also, adapting your philosophical perspective may help––if you can truly learn to accept that you cannot control outcomes, that you are worthy and lovable, that love and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin, then you allow yourself to love by accepting and embracing the vulnerability and not being afraid of it.

 

It's unfortunate that the two of you got off on the rocky start, but perhaps you [both] can mentally and emotionally relegate that to a distant era, totally separate from the way things are in the present. You both need to do everything possible to enhance confidence, trust and commitment, and put each other at ease with regard to any possibility of outside interference.

 

The best thing I can say to you now is to make sure to choose an excellent therapist and invest yourself in the hard work of therapy.

Edited July 4, 2013 by salparadise

[hurt_girl]

Based on your second post, it seems that your issue is specific, not generalized as I interpreted it from the original. Is your partner communicating with this other person whom she had the fling with? It seems to me that a big part of the solution is for the two of them to have no further contact (which is not unreasonable), and for you to work on just letting it go. The outcome is not within your realm of control, therefore it's irrational to have all of this anxiety over it. If you really do trust her, and if she's not doing things to trigger your jealousy, then just try to relax and enjoy being in the moment.

 

 

It seems to me, based on you saying that you get this anxiety in response to feeling vulnerable when you start caring for someone, that it's more your issue than a couple's issue, although she can do things to help. I do believe that you can improve this through therapy and would encourage you to pursue that avenue specifically. Also, adapting your philosophical perspective may help––if you can truly learn to accept that you cannot control outcomes, that you are worthy and lovable, that love and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin, then you allow yourself to love by accepting and embracing the vulnerability and not being afraid of it.

 

 

 

It's unfortunate that the two of you got off on the rocky start, but perhaps you [both] can mentally and emotionally relegate that to a distant era, totally separate from the way things are in the present. You both need to do everything possible to enhance confidence, trust and commitment, and put each other at ease with regard to any possibility of outside interference.

 

We are both trying to say we are starting afresh, that we weren't really who we were. I was trying to deal with a horrible break up and she was trying to pretend to be ok with the way I was behaving and coping the only way she knew how. When I have bad days which happens way too often, nowadays it feels like everyday, I run over the things she has lied about or done to make me feel hurt and I feel like I can't cope.

 

The best thing I can say to you now is to make sure to choose an excellent therapist and invest yourself in the hard work of therapy.

It's irrational because the girl is in another country but I get stressed thinking that they might meet whenever J goes back to that country. She has been pretty transparent with what goes on with the girl and shows me if she gets texts from her. She showed me a text where the girl told her she misses her and she did not reply for a few days ... when she finally did she said "I don't know what to say to you ... you already know that I am in a relationship now". J admitted that she used to like her but that she's with me now and she knows she's now in a committed relationship and that she loves me. The girl has stopped texting her for a few weeks now which is good and J assured me that she will let me know if and when she hears from her. I guess I just feel that the girl is more J's type and she's younger and better looking perhaps. Very subjective I'm sure but insecurity does that do you and I really need to stop stalking her facebook page.

 

She has also said to me that she will not see this girl when she goes back but she may see some common friends. Based on the lies she has been able to tell me before, I find it really difficult to trust what she says and still suffer anxiety over this possible event that may or may not happen in a few months. And I get so jealous of even the thought of them together ... before I knew that she had lied / "cheated" I seem to have been ok, or maybe because I have just fallen for J a lot more now.

 

I know that it is my issue and when I try to work on it, the only way I end up being able to feel in any control is to distance myself from the person. Things get cool and uncomfortable and then distant and comfortable and then I can feel in control again, but then unable to feel connected or intimate with my partner (through past experience), otherwise I am a jealous insecure wreck. In this case, having J having lied to me a few times on top of "cheating" on me when she made me feel like we were exclusive, when in actual fact I suppose we never did have the conversation, she just wanted ME to be exclusive. Her rationale is that she had to make herself feel better, she was feeling terrible about being one of three women and she didn't know how to cope. I think I am only tolerating this because I keep telling myself that no matter how she made it out to seem, we were actually NOT officially together and that no matter how immature it was by going behind my back and lying about it and other things was because she herself didn't know how to deal with her emotions about my previous actions and that it was because she really liked me. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I just hope that this is all true and that she won't lie to or cheat on me again ... I am just so terrified.

 

Thank you, we have put ourselves on a waiting list for a counsellor and I am glad that J is open about this as she really wants us to work. She has otherwise been very loving, supportive and and affectionate partner and she makes it known how much she wants to be with me and is dealing with my mood swings as best as she can. She keeps saying it's just a bad patch, we will get through it together and it is not just your problem, it is both our problem. I really really want to trust her, I guess I'm just too hurt.

 

Your words have been kind and they make me feel a little better. Ranting on here and getting it down in words in some way also makes me feel like i have an outlet. This is not something I feel comfortable discussing with too many of my friends because it makes me feel humiliated for some strange reason.