Wife doesn't love me anymore

[painandhurt]

Hi everyone,

 

I was wondering if someone on here might have been or is currently going through a similar thing and can give me some advice.

 

We have been married for 4 years. We have 2 beautiful boys, one 2.5 and the youngest is nearly 1. For the past 6 months (pretty much since she stopped breastfeeding) my wife has started to become distance. She never wants kisses, cuddles and definitely not sex. She has started going out with her friends all the time, sometimes till 3 or 4 in the morning. When I question her she tells me "you can't tell me what to do".

 

Things have got worse since. She has told me that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. She has also said that she doesn't enjoy my company anymore, that she wants her freedom back and that she regrets getting married. She says she feels sorry for me but she can't help the way she's feeling. I have asked her if there is someone else and she says no. We tried marriage counseling but it didn't work.

 

We have now been separated for 2 weeks. I have moved out of the home. We are starting to talk about separation of assets and selling the home. I have told her this is not what I want but she just tells me she is sorry but she can't help that she's fallen out of love with me. I have my faults but I am a kind, loving husband and a wonderful father. We have everything any couple could want. It is breaking my heart as my eldest son begs me not to leave when I go.

 

Is there any hope in this marriage? Is this something women go through after children? She admits she has changed but says "what if this is the real me?". Her family try and talk to her about trying to make the marriage work and not giving up but she refuses to listen to anyone.

 

I still love her and don't want the marriage to end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Balzac]

Two toddlers can be exhausting and overwhelming. That being said, her method for regaining her sense of self is not productive to maintaining a marriage. How's her going out and keeping late hours working with you out of the family home?

 

I'm always curious how women acting in this way come to terms with the financial reality. Few men are able/willing to extend the marital standatd of living.

 

Sorry you're having to endure your son hanging onto your leg pleading for you to stay. Hurts. Big hurts.

[coaches24]

The longer I stay on this site the more I see this is a very common occurrence. I am in a very similar situation. We have one 4 yo girl and my wife hasn't been going out much (once in the last month). We have been going to marriage counseling and my wife has said she isn't ready to end the marriage but she sure isn't changing anything at home so we have almost no interaction.

 

I feel your pain and wish I could give you advice to make things better but I don't have any. If you fight for the marriage it's going to hurt whether you succeed or not ( during the process I mean) and if you give up its going to hurt as well for a long while I gather. It's an Fd up situation for sure and there is no easy way around it.

 

Only thing that has helped me is spending time with my daughter. We were very close before all this and have just gotten even closer through this.

[painandhurt]

Hi Balzac,

 

Thank you for your reply. Yes it hurts like hell and I have not stopped crying since he begged me not to get in the car yesterday.

 

In regards to the financial situation, without sounding nasty she came in to the marriage with very little. I already owned the house with minimal mortgage on it before we got married. We now on 2 houses (one we were planning on knocking down and building). I have moved out of the house for the sake of my children as it is easier for them there. But I have told her if she wants to seperate I will have to put the house on the market as it's not fair for me to be living back at home while she stays there. I did the nice guy thing and never made her sign a pre nup so I'm guessing now she will take me to the cleaners. I know that she has already contacted legal advice.

 

She says the years of arguments have taken their toll and that's why she has fallen out of love but I believe marriages are hard work and we owe it to our boys to at least try. But I guess if she's saying things like she regrets getting married then she just doesn't want it at all.

 

Thanks again for your advice. I just think of my boys and it breaks my heart.

[painandhurt]

Thanks Coaches24,

 

Yes it is hard. I am not wanting to end the marriage but she seems so cold and heartless. I sent her a few heartfelt txts about saving our marriage when the separation first started but she never even wrote back. Yesterday when my son was telling me not to go he was asking me not to take the car so I would stay. I started to cry and she started to laugh.

 

There is something wrong with her it's like she has lost any emotions. She doesn't even talk to anyone about what is going on and I have to talk to someone because it's all I think about.

 

Maybe the years of fights have taken their toll but sometimes you have to work hard at it. Can people just fall out of love?

[Balzac]

Are you in a state that recognizes common property? In nearly all jurisdictions, she gets -0- value of premarital assets. It's income + debts to both. You'll have to look at tax consequences for options of cutting the pie.

Child support is what it is.

 

As to her career options, it's a well established fact that men recover financially rather quickly.

 

Often the most difficult part of the divorce process is detailed defining of child decisions. Education, activities, hobbies, sports, summer camps. Seems easy but two adults who are not able to negotiate/compromise but seek joint custody means no vote = no power. Think on this.

 

You're young and you'll be an involved dad but watching her move in a replacement is rough. You'll move on and your focus will expand to your own social interests. What a crappy deal.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife needs to go see her family Dr and have a full physical done. She could be suffering from PPD and with the help of some meds, will get better.

 

Your kids are soooo young! It's a mistake to split up, without finding out what is really going on.

[painandhurt]

Your wife needs to go see her family Dr and have a full physical done. She could be suffering from PPD and with the help of some meds, will get better.

 

Your kids are soooo young! It's a mistake to split up, without finding out what is really going on.

 

I know. It breaks my heart every time I leave.

 

She has been to the GP and asked about medication to stop her feeling like this but apparently the GP told her it's not mental, it's just that she's unhappy in her relationship. Maybe she should get a second opinion.

 

She is on strong anti depressants and just changed them recently as well. Not sure if all this has anything to do with it all. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses to avoid the truth

 

Thanks for your help.

[Balzac]

I think you are correct about coming to acceptance. It's impossible to change another person. It's tragic she willingly had children if in fact she was miserable in the marriage. She could have spoken up at any time.

[painandhurt]

Thanks guys. All of your advice is really helpful. She just keeps saying she's sorry but she can't help how she feels so I'm just going to try to give her space and move on. I just break inside for our two boys and cry every time I think about my eldest begging me not to go. It's really strange because when she was pregnant were the times we were most happy. No fights, so in love. I just don't know anymore or how she can fall out of love for me do easily when we have 2 beautiful boys and everything we could want. I know a marriage isn't based on that but it breaks me to think she can throw it all away because she "doesn't love me anymore".

[Gunny376]

Nannnnanaaah, nannaaanahha, Hey, hey! Goodbye.

 

Of course there's someone else! Or at least there's the propensity ~ possibility, probability of someone else as soon as she's gotten you out of the picture.

 

Your going to be one of those that finds her tied up with someone else 2.5 nanoseconds after the ink is dried on the divorce papers. With the by-line, "Oh we just meet!"

 

Women don't leave ~ jump out of one relationship without having a parachute. Especially with two small preschool children in tow. And the bad thing about it is? Its probally just some clown wanting a booty call that she's meet out on her late night roping's with "tha girls" ~ who they themselves are probally going through a divorce and marital troubles or relationship troubles.

 

Some clown out just looking for a piece of azz with a pocket full of money and a line of BS twelve miles long. As soon as he hits that azz? He'll be gone and moved on. Not giving a damn about the Hell, hate, discontent, and havoc he's wrought!

 

Hate to be the one that breaks the news to ya, but I"m not going to dress it up, shape it up and sprinkle sugar on a turd and call it 'brownie' for ya!

 

I'd get a pit-bull 'junk-yard' lawyer go for full custody, and everything up to and including her dreams in life. Nothing but scorch earth!

 

She's "Not feeling it for ya!" ~ because she's feeling it for someone else. You can't dump her irresponsible, immature, little azz quick enough!

 

You deserve better and your kids deserve better.........................

Edited July 3, 2013 by Gunny376

[Gunny376]

BTW, before you decide wheather to believe me or your "lying eyes?" Look back at some my over six or seven thousand posts, and find where posters have come back and said, "Yep! Gunny you were right all along!"

 

I admit I'm not always RIGHT! But I'm seldom wrong when it comes to such things!

[grassisorisntgreener]

BTW, before you decide wheather to believe me or your "lying eyes?" Look back at some my over six or seven thousand posts, and find where posters have come back and said, "Yep! Gunny you were right all along!"

 

I admit I'm not always RIGHT! But I'm seldom wrong when it comes to such things!

 

The words your wife spoke (speaking to the original poster), are all the things I want to say to my husband.

 

And there is someone else...

 

I really, really reallyyyyyyyyy wish I could say that maybe she genuinely isn't feeling it for you, but I just don't think that is the case. There has to be some sort of distraction. With two small children, I just find it really hard to believe that she is okay with being single. I suppose it's possible... but I know that as much as I am unhappy with my husband, I would never even entertain the idea of sharing my children 50/50 with him, unless I was leaving for a GIG situation.

[hayewils]

Sorry that you are here with us..

It is hard to get a woman who is acting the way your wife is, to see the wrong that she is doing. Begging and pleading will just make her pull further away.

I am like you in the regard that marriages are not easy, they do require work. Unfortunatly there are those who feel differently and dont want to have to work.

My wife left me almost 4 months ago over stupid little disagreements. Granted there were some nasty things that happened between my son and i, but nothing real serious between myself and my wife. Ive come to accept that she wasnt in love with me. For better, for worse doesnt mean crap to some. My wife made a choice instead of working to make corrections which in my view wouldve been simple. But it takes two.

I havent seen or heard from her since she left.

Goid luck to you and keep posting. It helps to get it out..

[Bluesandy]

Nannnnanaaah, nannaaanahha, Hey, hey! Goodbye.

 

Of course there's someone else! Or at least there's the propensity ~ possibility, probability of someone else as soon as she's gotten you out of the picture.

 

Your going to be one of those that finds her tied up with someone else 2.5 nanoseconds after the ink is dried on the divorce papers. With the by-line, "Oh we just meet!"

 

Women don't leave ~ jump out of one relationship without having a parachute. Especially with two small preschool children in tow. And the bad thing about it is? Its probally just some clown wanting a booty call that she's meet out on her late night roping's with "tha girls" ~ who they themselves are probally going through a divorce and marital troubles or relationship troubles.

 

Some clown out just looking for a piece of azz with a pocket full of money and a line of BS twelve miles long. As soon as he hits that azz? He'll be gone and moved on. Not giving a damn about the Hell, hate, discontent, and havoc he's wrought!

 

Hate to be the one that breaks the news to ya, but I"m not going to dress it up, shape it up and sprinkle sugar on a turd and call it 'brownie' for ya!

 

I'd get a pit-bull 'junk-yard' lawyer go for full custody, and everything up to and including her dreams in life. Nothing but scorch earth!

 

She's "Not feeling it for ya!" ~ because she's feeling it for someone else. You can't dump her irresponsible, immature, little azz quick enough!

 

You deserve better and your kids deserve better.........................

 

I agree 100% with that statement.. My wife of 23 years left me 4 months ago, and kept telling me and my 3 girls she was away to think about our relationship, but in the same time, she looked so hard and cruel in any of our conversation.. After one month, we discovered she left the house to live with her boss who had left his family and two kids as well.. I found out that last week, he was so jaleous that for some reasons he beat her, was arrested and they have split since, so she is looking for an appartment to leave by herself, apparently unhappy and start to follow a therapy... What is funny is that day2 of the split, I registered to a dating site, met a great girl one month after my split, and we are really in love and more than 3 month together.. So there is always clouds and sun, you have to try to get the sun as much as possible ;-)

Courage, I can feel your pain...some people don't deserve all the strength we want to put in the marriage...

[GorillaTheater]

It's time to shift mindsets, understanding that at this point it's ONLY about looking after you and your kids. Disconnect the emotional hose with your wife, and do "the 180". If your unfamiliar with that (and it's a common principle you'll see on sites like this, and is not peculiar to either me or this site), I'll find you a link.

 

Move back home. Firstly, because it's your home, and if your wife is so damn unhappy, she should be the one who's hugely inconvenienced and cut off from the familiar and the family, not you. Reclaim your bed, welcome her to stay if she wishes, and be okay with it if she moves out of the bedroom.

 

DO NOT beg or plead, ever. It demeans you and WILL push her even further away.

 

Above all: calm, cool and collected at ALL times. Understand that even though you're going through the worst time in your life, you can handle it. You WILL get through this, whatever happens.

[Yasuandio]

You state your wife is "going out all the time with her friends till 3 or 4 in the morning." That sounds like the "Singles Life.

 

Perhaps your wife has some medical issue related to child birth or child-raising. If that is the case - medical intervention is always possible.

 

However, this is not an excuse for a married woman to keep the party house of a 21 year old, period. Her conduct is UNACCEPTABLE.

 

That said, as long as you accept this type of conduct -- you will see her continue. I suggest, as the MAN of the household, that you sit her down, and lay down the law. No talky talk, no request, no analysis of her mental condition, no feely feelings BS, - but LAW DOWN THE LAW.

 

Here it is, plain and simple,

 

Married women (particularily married women with young children) do not go out with their friends all hours of the early morning all the time. Period. End of story. The late hours and partying are now over. Be a wife and mother OR start packing, right now.

 

That's it. You leaving due to her conduct is dumb. Now when you say the above statement -- you better best mean it. There should be nothing else talked about, no discussion, no negotiation, no blah, blah, blah. If she trys -- put your hand up like a stop sign, and repeat the following like a broken record:

 

Single lifestyle means Marriage is over.

Single lifestyle means Marriage is over.

Single lifestyle means Marriage is over.

 

This is the "short version: you will use when topic comes up. Done and done. There is nothing else to say. Her choice.

 

Don't antagonize the little kid anymore with the thought of you leaving. That is insane.

 

One more day of single lifestyle - go straight to attorney. Take a time-stamped photo of her coming into the house drunk with your cell phone. Keep doing some documentation like this. For God's sake - do not leave your home and child(ren) with a party animal. Yas

 

PS When you need a little motivation, think about the kind of stuff likely going on that you don't know about! You can count on this, for sure. I mean -- if you were out till 3 or 4am, what would you be doing? I sure know what I'd be doing!

[Steadfast]

I am not wanting to end the marriage but she seems so cold and heartless. I sent her a few heartfelt txts about saving our marriage when the separation first started but she never even wrote back. Yesterday when my son was telling me not to go he was asking me not to take the car so I would stay. I started to cry and she started to laugh

 

Either she is very bitter or hostile due to pent up anger for you, or laughing is her way of side-stepping the guilt she's feels. Either way, she's checked out and has been that way for some time. It's only new to you.

 

Of course there's someone else.

 

Go back home. Tell her you understand (not like, understand) her feelings and support her decision to end the marriage. In exchange for this, she is to move out immediately and return to you the property that you had before the marriage. Depending on where you live, it probably will have to be divided. Perhaps you can buy her out? No way around finance issues.

 

As it stands your devastation and willingness to bend over backward is enabling her to cheat while you foot the bill. No wonder she's laughing! Because of the situation she has zero respect for you. Business is being conducted and you're too busy reeling to notice. Time to wake up!

 

Not easy, I know. But, the sooner you 'get in the game' the sooner some clarity will arrive to you. Do not allow her to call the shots. Don't do that.

[Techie Artist]

It's time to shift mindsets, understanding that at this point it's ONLY about looking after you and your kids. Disconnect the emotional hose with your wife, and do "the 180". If your unfamiliar with that (and it's a common principle you'll see on sites like this, and is not peculiar to either me or this site), I'll find you a link.

 

Move back home. Firstly, because it's your home, and if your wife is so damn unhappy, she should be the one who's hugely inconvenienced and cut off from the familiar and the family, not you. Reclaim your bed, welcome her to stay if she wishes, and be okay with it if she moves out of the bedroom.

 

DO NOT beg or plead, ever. It demeans you and WILL push her even further away.

 

Above all: calm, cool and collected at ALL times. Understand that even though you're going through the worst time in your life, you can handle it. You WILL get through this, whatever happens.

 

OP, sorry about the situation. As a mother of young twins, I can tell you that I NEVER had ANY concept or desire to stay out all night away from MY CHILDREN. I can't stress this enough. I would go to work and rush home to be with them. Her behavior is NOT NORMAL. It sounds like PPD or the realization that she's truly committed in married/mommy life. Some women sense this after a second child and it scares them. It's kind of a midlife crisis.

 

In line with Gunny, I do kinda think there is another man. In my mind, there is no way a mom leaves her kids (babies) while she burns the night oil and then returns exhausted (no good) to you. How is that anyone else's fault? Seems like she is using her girlz as an excuse to go ride some other dude, or she is enjoying the attention at the club. Either way, it's not good for you.

 

I agree. Go back home, get a good lawyer, and be the parent your children need you to be. Send her packin'!