Being Cheated on....

[Slaytharn]

It all started one morning logging in at work and check my emails on gmail. No noticing that my wife had already logged in that night before with her credentials. I saw some mails she sent to one of my friends that looked very suspicous, but before I could save it and show it to her she deleted it from her end. When I approached both of them they admitted they had an affair but only through sms, they never met in person. I was OK with this and told her I dont want her to continue chatting with him. About a week after I was resteless and wanted to know more because something was bothering me about it, so being in IT I hacked all her accounts. My foundings was extremely shocking, we are together for 7 years and married for 6 years now.

 

They starting having an afair in end 2011 and already slept together, two weeks after we realized she is pregrant with my daughter. They kept on going throughout 2012 and meeting each other at cheap hotels and had sex while she was pregrant and did stuff to each other I wont mention in here. I only realized this this year end May. So for a year and a half she was acting like she loved me and acted all the way because I never realized anything. I thought I was living this perfect life, I was happy and did everything possible to make her happy as well.

 

Now she and my friend blames me for everything, they say I am a bad father and I did not give her enough attention. My wife is the type of person that wants me with her 24/7. Everything we do and everywhere we go we are together, but she managed to fake her meetings at work and slip out to meet this guy - some called my friend.

 

I has been little more than a month now and the pain is still tearing me appart, I have given her another chance because I love her and will do anything to keep having that time with my daughter. If I think back I cannot recall that I have been a bad husband or father. Yes there were moments that I played alot of games (being a nerd as I am), but not for so long. I have stood with her when she needed help, when she was down and sick. I was there always.

 

I am at that stage where life has no more meaning to me, depressed and full of anger. I keep on asking question I will never get the answers to, my life feels dark at the moment. The only thing that is keeping me alive is the new life I have brought into this world.

 

I am trying to see a Dr with my problems but not getting myself to actually do it. I have been on google so many time trying to find advise but it seems to the writers that this is a common and easy problem to solve. But for me its harder than that. That is how I got to this site and just open up and let you guys know. Any advise from people who had a similair experience?

[Betterthanthis13]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Whatever problems you had in your marriage, you DID NOT deserve to be cheated on. She should have addressed her concerns in your marriage by communicating with you. In no way was it acceptable for her to carry on a sexual relationship with someone else and lie to you about and then blame it on you. That is outrageous.

 

I'm glad you decided to come here and get some of your feelings out. It is helping me to express my feelings, even if it is just strangers its good to have an outlet when you have nowhere else to turn and your emotions are building up.

 

If you can see a therapist I would definitely recommend doing so. I think you should see an individual therapist before attempting any sort of marriage counseling, your wife sounds like she's pretty manipulative.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

I just discovered my ex gf was cheating on me with a close friend. Found out a week ago and now she's gone from my life completely and living with this guy. Your situation is worse because there are marriage and a kid involved, but being cheated on by people you love and care for hurts all the way around.

 

All I can say is it is tempting to deconstruct yourself and tell yourself it's your complacency or hobbies that caused her to stray.....but THAT'S NOT TRUE.

 

Cheating has something to do with her, not you. SHE SHOULD BE THE ONE SEEING A THERAPIST (if she's not). She should've communicated to you what she wanted before she went off on and did those things.

 

Lying and all that stuff....you don't deserve that man. How can you trust her if when you caught her she said it'd only been on text for a week?

 

I wish I was an IT guy, so I could find out all the other stuff that went on with me....but now I just don't want to know.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully you get the best outcome from this...Be strong though and remember, you didn't cause this.

[BeholdtheMan]

It all started one morning logging in at work and check my emails on gmail. No noticing that my wife had already logged in that night before with her credentials. I saw some mails she sent to one of my friends that looked very suspicous, but before I could save it and show it to her she deleted it from her end. When I approached both of them they admitted they had an affair but only through sms, they never met in person. I was OK with this and told her I dont want her to continue chatting with him. About a week after I was resteless and wanted to know more because something was bothering me about it, so being in IT I hacked all her accounts. My foundings was extremely shocking, we are together for 7 years and married for 6 years now.

 

They starting having an afair in end 2011 and already slept together, two weeks after we realized she is pregrant with my daughter. They kept on going throughout 2012 and meeting each other at cheap hotels and had sex while she was pregrant and did stuff to each other I wont mention in here. I only realized this this year end May. So for a year and a half she was acting like she loved me and acted all the way because I never realized anything. I thought I was living this perfect life, I was happy and did everything possible to make her happy as well.

 

Now she and my friend blames me for everything, they say I am a bad father and I did not give her enough attention. My wife is the type of person that wants me with her 24/7. Everything we do and everywhere we go we are together, but she managed to fake her meetings at work and slip out to meet this guy - some called my friend.

 

I has been little more than a month now and the pain is still tearing me appart, I have given her another chance because I love her and will do anything to keep having that time with my daughter. If I think back I cannot recall that I have been a bad husband or father. Yes there were moments that I played alot of games (being a nerd as I am), but not for so long. I have stood with her when she needed help, when she was down and sick. I was there always.

 

I am at that stage where life has no more meaning to me, depressed and full of anger. I keep on asking question I will never get the answers to, my life feels dark at the moment. The only thing that is keeping me alive is the new life I have brought into this world.

 

I am trying to see a Dr with my problems but not getting myself to actually do it. I have been on google so many time trying to find advise but it seems to the writers that this is a common and easy problem to solve. But for me its harder than that. That is how I got to this site and just open up and let you guys know. Any advise from people who had a similair experience?

 

I'm gonna give you some harsh medicine because you're doing EVERYTHING wrong.

 

1. Morally, she is completely at fault for cheating. No marriage is imperfect. I'm sure your marriage had problems. She could've divorced you, she could've tried to communicate with you to fix the problems...instead she chose to cheat on you behind your back. Now she and the affair partner are even trying to convince you that you're the one to blame. This shows your wife has zero respect for you as a man.

 

2. You forgive her with almost no consequences. Where is your self-respect? You've opted for the path of the doormat. The path of the doormat never ends well. Now, you only appear weak-willed, desperate, and spineless in her eyes. You're no longer a man. You've emasculated yourself. You're her teary-eyed manservant who will provide for her material needs despite her sexual infidelity.

 

What can you do?

 

Grow a pair of balls. Tell her that the cheating itself, the deception, and her attempts to put the blame on you are unacceptable. You have to show her you're not a pathetic, clingy doormat. You're a man who respects himself. Kick her out of the house. File for divorce. If she comes crawling back to you, you can either

 

1) give her a chance to win back your trust by working her a** off to show she's worthy of you

 

OR

 

2) reject her for the cheating liar she is and move on

 

Mark my words, if you continue to behave like a doormat, you're wife will continue to take advantage of you. Now is the time to grow a pair.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm gonna give you some harsh medicine because you're doing EVERYTHING wrong.

 

1. Morally, she is completely at fault for cheating. No marriage is imperfect. I'm sure your marriage had problems. She could've divorced you, she could've tried to communicate with you to fix the problems...instead she chose to cheat on you behind your back. Now she and the affair partner are even trying to convince you that you're the one to blame. This shows your wife has zero respect for you as a man.

 

2. You forgive her with almost no consequences. Where is your self-respect? You've opted for the path of the doormat. The path of the doormat never ends well. Now, you only appear weak-willed, desperate, and spineless in her eyes. You're no longer a man. You've emasculated yourself. You're her teary-eyed manservant who will provide for her material needs despite her sexual infidelity.

 

What can you do?

 

Grow a pair of balls. Tell her that the cheating itself, the deception, and her attempts to put the blame on you are unacceptable. You have to show her you're not a pathetic, clingy doormat. You're a man who respects himself. Kick her out of the house. File for divorce. If she comes crawling back to you, you can either

 

1) give her a chance to win back your trust by working her a** off to show she's worthy of you

 

OR

 

2) reject her for the cheating liar she is and move on

 

Mark my words, if you continue to behave like a doormat, you're wife will continue to take advantage of you. Now is the time to grow a pair.

 

What beholdtheman says might sound harsh and mean and your brain might not want to process this information since you are probably still in a state of shock and mentally exhausted from trying to make sense of all this but what he says is the absolute truth.

 

A person who loves you, has any ethics, and any respect for your marriage is not capable of behaving the way this woman did, period.

[Slaytharn]

WoW! Thanks Guys,

 

@BeholdTheMan, your advise makes sense to me. But with a child, things get complicated. I love her with more than anything else. I have gotten so attached to her already and the time I can spend with her is priceless. Yesterday she started walking, I would have missed that if I filed a divorce.

 

I know I am down in the dumpster and there is no man left in me, but fighting real hard to stand up again. I recently started smoking and drinking, it is actually helping me to feel normal again. But that is only for a short while off-course. LOL!

 

Now she is putting everything behind her and want to move on and expect me to forget what happened so that she can carry on with her life. I love her but not in love with her anymore and not sure how I will get that flame back.

 

At the moment I am blaming myself for what has happend, maybe I could have been stronger, better and more observant towards her. I am taking a stand of some sort where I am not allowing her to walk all over me like before. I have lost the interest to go that extra mile.

 

I want this marriage to work again, but surely this needs to be done from scratch and not repairing it. Do you guys think this is possible?

 

Nice to talk to people who actually gives a 5_h_1_T

[Chi townD]

Dude, she blameshifting, shows NO remorse and is trying to rug sweep this whole thing.

 

You are never going to reconcile the marriage if she isn't truely remorseful for what she has done to you. As a matter of fact, she'll probably cheat on you again! She did it once and you stayed with no consquences to her actions. What's stopping her from doing it again?

 

And here's the hard question, how do you know that your daughter is actually yours? I would consider doing a DNA test if I were you.

 

And blaming you because she didn't precieve you as a "good Dad"? What the hell that that have anything to do with her screwing another guy?!?!?! That was weak!

 

Dude, I think it's time to put the screws to her.

[drifter777]

WoW! Thanks Guys,

 

@BeholdTheMan, your advise makes sense to me. But with a child, things get complicated. I love her with more than anything else. I have gotten so attached to her already and the time I can spend with her is priceless. Yesterday she started walking, I would have missed that if I filed a divorce.

 

I know I am down in the dumpster and there is no man left in me, but fighting real hard to stand up again. I recently started smoking and drinking, it is actually helping me to feel normal again. But that is only for a short while off-course. LOL!

 

Now she is putting everything behind her and want to move on and expect me to forget what happened so that she can carry on with her life. I love her but not in love with her anymore and not sure how I will get that flame back.

 

At the moment I am blaming myself for what has happend, maybe I could have been stronger, better and more observant towards her. I am taking a stand of some sort where I am not allowing her to walk all over me like before. I have lost the interest to go that extra mile.

 

I want this marriage to work again, but surely this needs to be done from scratch and not repairing it. Do you guys think this is possible?

 

Nice to talk to people who actually gives a 5_h_1_T

 

Everyone on here will tell you not to blame yourself, but lots of us know it isn't that simple. You are shocked, hurting, and you feel as though the world as you knew it has been turned upside down. Its horrible and those of us who have been victims of a spouses betrayal understand what you are going through. Know a couple of facts:

 

1) your wife & her fu*k-buddy are gas lighting you. They know they did a selfish, disgusting, dishonest thing and it isn't your fault but are trying to justify it so they don't feel like the scum they are. They may still be having contact - even sex - and are trying to use your guilt to hide what they are doing.

 

2) Not only can you be a great dad for your daughter if you divorce, you will likely be better. This is because you will be providing a great role-model for her by being a strong, honest man with good self-esteem. Your daughter will use you as the model for the men she chooses in life so try to be the man you want her to marry.

 

Get to a counselor as fast as possible. You are in an emotional crisis and waiting can be dangerous. When you have thoughts of suicide think of the legacy you will be leaving your daughter and then call a hotline for help. Don't give up your life and hurt the daughter you love just because your wife is an un-remorseful cheater.

 

The advice you are getting urging you to get tough is spot on. You must harden your heart toward your wife until she is willing and begging you to give her a chance to prove she loves you and is desperate to earn back your trust. Until then don't even attempt to reconcile as it a waste of time and your precious emotions. Remember that reconciliation will take years and be the hardest thing you've ever done and, in the end, you may end up divorcing anyway.

 

If she is the primary caregiver for you daughter then you need to walk away. If not, kick her out. See a lawyer first to make sure you do it in the "right" way, but you need to separate from her to end her dishonest attempts to manipulate you. File for divorce and then see how she reacts. If you decide to attempt reconciliation you can always stop your divorce proceedings. You need to show her you will not tolerate her cheating or the disrespectful treatment she is showing you now, and divorce papers are the best way to do this. Be strong and be tough.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

The advice ChiTownD gave you may sound far fetched...but this happened to a coworker of mine a little bit ago...he had a weird feeling after he caught his wife cheating and demanded a paternity test....turns out, the child wasn't his. Even suggesting one will make your wife see that she has pushed you to a level where you don't trust her.

 

Don't let her tell you any of this is your fault. If she had problems with you in the relationship, she should've tried working them out with you, and only you.

[Slaytharn]

Thanks all of you.

 

I am a bit motivated to go and see a shrink. Made an appointment with one for tomorrow. I need to wake up and stop feeling sorry for myself. Will use all of the advise and apply it. Thanks.

 

I really appreciate you comments and thoughts. It has been of great help, I was starting to loose it there for a moment.

[BeholdtheMan]

@BeholdTheMan, your advise makes sense to me. But with a child, things get complicated. I love her with more than anything else.

...but why? You love an ideal image of her you have in your head. That ideal image doesn't exist. Your in love with an idea.

 

The real person and the idea don't match up. She doesn't love you enough to refrain from cheating, lying, and then blaming you. Why would you love someone who doesn't even respect you?

 

I have gotten so attached to her already and the time I can spend with her is priceless. Yesterday she started walking, I would have missed that if I filed a divorce.

Harden your heart. Find someway to do it. It will be hard but you have to do it. You must. Right now you're primary goal should be to reclaim your self-respect.

 

I know I am down in the dumpster and there is no man left in me, but fighting real hard to stand up again. I recently started smoking and drinking, it is actually helping me to feel normal again. But that is only for a short while off-course. LOL!

Stop smoking, stop drinking. These two activities do not help you and they only weaken your body. Your mind can't be strong if your body is weak.

 

Instead of smoking and drinking, EXERCISE, WORKOUT. Whip yourself into shape. Start respecting your own body. Show your wife strength, not weakness (relying on alcohol and tobacco to get through the grief). If you don't know how to work out, I can give you some very simply but effective routines.

 

Now she is putting everything behind her and want to move on and expect me to forget what happened so that she can carry on with her life. I love her but not in love with her anymore and not sure how I will get that flame back.

Why would you let her get away with that. File for divorce.

 

I want this marriage to work again, but surely this needs to be done from scratch and not repairing it. Do you guys think this is possible?

This marriage won't work because you wife neither loves nor respects you. Please, you deserve a better woman. Don't cling to someone who has betrayed you remorselessly and now trying to convince you that it's all your fault. She's treating you as nothing more than a provider of money. Don't lower yourself for her. Reclaim your manhood and leave.

 

2) Not only can you be a great dad for your daughter if you divorce, you will likely be better. This is because you will be providing a great role-model for her by being a strong, honest man with good self-esteem. Your daughter will use you as the model for the men she chooses in life so try to be the man you want her to marry.

This is stated beautifully right here. You can still be a good father even if you divorce your cheating, rug-sweeping, gas-lighting wife. Please, show some strength TS. In my youth (OK, which wasn't that long ago), I behaved like a doormat in one relationship. NEVER AGAIN.

 

Women do not feel attraction to doormats, being a doormat is contrary to our natural state of manhood. Be a man, and women (and men) will respect you as a man. Be a doormat, and women will walk all over you as a doormat.

[aliveagain]

Read the "180" and make this your mantra. Use the 180 to give yourself some distance while you decide on what you want from her to stay married to her. She needs to win you back not the other way around, you are the prize, not her. Do not sleep with her until you have both been tested for STD's, some don't even show up for 6 months to a year after the event. Her cheating has very little to do with you, it has to do with her brokenness, her selfishness, do not accept her blame shifting throw it back at her. She didn't just have a drunken one night stand, she planned to meet him around your schedule, it was intentional and premeditated. It lasted for 1 1/2 years. They didn't use protection they always lie about that specially in a long term affair, she risked your unborn child, she risked your health. This man was never your friend, a friend doesn't betray you for a year and a half meeting your wife in cheap hotels, back seat of their cars, probably your bed too. If he is married or in a relationship expose him immediately, they need to know what kind of a dirt bag he is, other friends need to know not to leave their spouses alone with this predator.

 

Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights regardless of your decision to stay or move on. You have to protect your child, you also need to know if this is your child. It happened to me so I understand the pain you are feeling. Get her into counseling immediately, she is very broken. 180,180,180, make it your way of life, the 180 is about you and not a way to win her back. You need to appear strong, begging is not an desirable quality that women are attracted to. You can not nice her back into loving you, stop being so available, do things for yourself and your daughter. Stay strong until you are.