I am a People Pleaser, Can Anything Help Me Overcome it!!!

[rockmusik]

I'm a nice guy. I'm 29, easy going, caring, fun etc.

 

My only problem is that, I'm too much of a people pleaser.

 

I tend to please other people too much or go along with what

other's want, over my own needs. I don't like to rock the boat

and I don't like to hurt other's feelings. If there is someone

Out there that I've been mean to, it bugs me. Friends will call me a Martyr and

Shy or passive and in some ways they are Right. I don't want to be this way.

I've kinda been a bit of a wuss, passive and just a wallflower in my life.

 

Anyway, How can I overcome this? Just start being a nice prick?

I have trouble balancing the two. It causes stress in my life.

 

Any advice would help

[Papillon]

Does it matter what people think?

 

Unless this trait of yours is badly affecting your life, relationships and/or financial success, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

You're the way you are, for a reason. Embrace those reasons.

[Dakini]

Pap - it obviously is affecting his life - that is why he is posting on LS...

 

We all have things that we must overcome... where do you think this people-pleasing stems from? Do you often say yes to too many things and feel overwhelmed? Do you ever do anything for yourself only?

[blind_otter]

our childhood affects the expectations we have from interactions with others. the pop psychology term for the traits you describe is "codependency." many adult children of alcoholics, people who suffered physical abuse as a child, and people who were molested as children display the traits you mention. it's a learned behavior - putting the needs of others before your own needs. this leads to being "walked all over" a lot because you put yourself out to make others feel good. a lot of times codependents get their self-worth from helping others.

 

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

 

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

 

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

 

*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.

 

*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.

 

*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

 

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

 

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

 

For people with codependency, individual counseling can teach assertiveness, listening, and communication. Counseling can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.

 

In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of their own tendency towards codependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the case of codependency, need to present good boundary setting and healthy living themselves during sessions with clients. If a counselor develops a working relationship with a client that has codependent qualities, again, the pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be as helpful. Some statistics show 50-80% of counselors have not addressed their own codependency issues. So one must be careful in choosing a counselor for this kind of support.

 

There are also self-help groups for codependency, called CODA groups. More information is available through local alcoholism services. If you can’t find a CODA group, there’s also ACA (adult children of alcoholics groups) that deal with similar issues CODA groups might deal with.

[rockmusik]

I've had it all my life, I'm pretty sure it stems from Mom.

But I feel lame blaming it on that, cuz I'm 29, I should be more tough.

Even though she did give me a lot of anxiety and stress as a kid, I Never wanted to let her down

or make her mad. She would make me feel bad for causing HER stress.

like "why are you doing this to me?" then i'd feel horrible. I'd go to school

and talk to myself, no friends, afraid of bringing attention to myself. etc.

 

In My adult life, I'm not as bad, but i STILL see a big problem. Yeah, I do find myself

saying YES when I really want to say NO, then I'm stressed out about it. I say YES

because I feel bad. I'm even scared to call a customer back at work to say, Sorry, We don't

have it in stock...Cuz i'm afraid they'll flip out. I HATE letting people down. So i tend to either Avoid

the situation OR try my hardest to be there for them, at the cost of my own well being or needs.

 

It sucks. I just can't find that healthy Medium, where I can do what I need to for myself and

not let the little things bug me so much. I can't confront anything or anyone without my heart Pumping Hard!

 

How can I Chill Out?

[rockmusik]

Thanks for all your help guys and gals!

[Pocky]

Just start being a nice prick?

 

Assertive people aren't pricks. Being confident and assertive doesn't equate to being rude or mean to someone else. People compromise all the time - you need to balance your needs and others needs.

[Lucia]

I'm just like you, could sign under your post. The same problem, consider opinions of others when making decisions, not my own. Hurting others by doing something contrary to their expectations makes me suffer enormously, I would rather do anything to make them happy than to suffer this guilty conscience. I would like to know how to get out of this vicious circle and just to start living, because anything I do ends up hurting someone, I cannot live like that anymore.

[bicyclejunk]

I'm Officially joining the Club.

 

 

I TOO, was guilty of the people pleasing scar. It's tough. But at the end of the day, You

Have to do what makes YOU happy. I was just like you and like Lucia. It was hard to voice my

own Opinion or stand up for what I believed in, Because even if I did, I'd start second guessing

My own Opinion, as if I was like: "Okay, I just stood up for myself & was brave & went against everyone else

with my own opinion, But was it the smart move? did I make the right Decision?"

 

It seemed hopeless, but only you can help you. And You truly need to do what feels right to YOU. If you don't like something,

Say something. If you can't do that Favor your buddy Really wishes you could do for him or her, Tell Him/Her.

And DON'T FEEL BAD. DO Not. You can't be expected to please Everyone, All the time. It's impossible.

Relax and do the best job you can with your life.

 

Don't worry about others feelings. As long as you are kind and willing to help, Help. It's a great atribute to have.

But don't stress out thinking you have to be a certain way to make everyone happy or to NOT "rock the boat" as you say.

 

Last Thing: I Have a friend, David. Known him for a long time. He goes around in life not caring about what others

think about him. I love it. I get inspired by him. He's always been that way. He's not Obnoxious about it. But he doesn't

care about what people say about him or what types of music he "should" be listening to or what's "cool" or whatever.

All he cares about is his Own music. Keeping the few close friends he has and Making his wife a happy woman and

teaching his little ones, good morals and giving them lots of love. He's onle 31, but he's super young at heart and

totally kind and down to earth. He hardly ever stresses out. He's SUPER honest too. He'll tell ya if he doesn't like something

and you have to respect him for that. It's almost like he Can't Lie. He's not angry, he's not mean, he's super easy going, but he jus lives by his own code: Be yourself. Be honest. Be a good person. Like what you like. Don't care about what others

think about you, what is it going to do to you? If someone judges you, that's their problem, not yours.

[Mary3]

I too used to have that problem quite a bit...when I was a teen I read a book about being assertive and one of the first examples it gave was : If a salesman calls you on the phone , Just say " No Thank You " and hang up. You dont owe that salesman an apology , a sale, a commision or anything else. So I practiced that " No Thank You " and it worked . !

 

To this day I have no problem saying No Thank You to anyone because you can practice this in your personal life.

Other ideas I have learned. : Just because someone calls you does not mean you have to answer the phone. Just because someone knocks on your door uninvited doesnt mean you have to open the door.

 

When I was a teen someone passed around a reefer ( weed, joint , ect ) and I had made a decision that I was not going to smoke that anymore. My friends gave me an incredilous look when I said " No Thanks " and seemed to have a new respect for me.

 

In your daily life : If someone is being disrespectful to you, kindly pull them to the side and say " You know what you are saying is hurting me and is unfair , I am bringing this to your attention " In most cases that person was now made aware that what they were saying was hurtful. You gain respect again

If you continue to practice practice everyday you can be more assertive.

 

Yes I am still guilty of being the pleaser in a relationship but you know you have to take your blinders off if after a period of time that person is being unfair or abusive or disrespectful. Why ? Because you DESERVE respect and dignity and to be treated right !

 

Even a former sap like me has gotten alot stronger.

You can too.

Get a book on Self Assertiveness.

Its not the same as being Agressive.

The book will teach you

Invest in this and invest in your life

[cms7605]

I am 25 years old and just now realizing that I am a people pleaser to the max. I get involved with guys the have so many issues and want to fix them. Yet I just want to make everyone like me and it works b/c everyone says that everyone likes me. Is that bad?

 

 

I think all of this stems from my mother who I was always trying to please and nothing that I did ever really made her happy. It's hard b/c I relate to what everyone here has said and I don't know what to do. I fear I will never enter into a healthy relationship b/c of my issues. Along with people pleasing comes fear of committment b/c then I will have less people to please if I committ to 1 person. It's a crazy mixed up mess!!