the questions we ask ourselves

[happy stillmore]

I am so thankful I found this site. I can't tell you how much better I have felt about myself since learning there are other people in the same situation as me. My story is pretty basic. I married a man whom I thought would give my life stability. I met him when I was 18 (1 year after my mother died of cancer) and married him at 23. Three of those years was a long distance relationship since I was in college. Anyway, I married him and thought I would eventually feel the closeness you see in true love. I have felt like we were roommates since day one. Through therapy, I have learned I have trust issues. One reason being the loss of my mother who I was very close to. The second reason, and this is going to around prudish and silly in the year 2013: H peeped on me once while I showered at his mom's house. This was before we ever had sex and I was still a virgin. I was saving myself. I, for some reason, was in shock and repressed what he did. I didn't have the guts to face him about him. This tells you how screwed up my sense of self was. I was so lost then and thought getting married was a grown up thing to do and got me out of the house. Remember this is the late 80s. Right away, we had three children which we love greatly. The problem is my H and I are not intimate. I am not attracted to him and never was. H drinks a lot (not enough to be labeled an alcohol) but I felt I was the responsible one always since I was always either pregnant or breastfeeding. There has always been a sense of resentment in me towards H. I can't explain why but I'm thinking because I felt forced to get married. He is five years older than me. I know I had a say in the matter then but I went with my head and not my heart. H was going to give me a stability as my life was confusing without my mom.

 

Fast forward, 10, 15 and 20 year anniversaries. They didn't excite me. Instead, I felt sad as my marriage is empty. I reached out to someone who was in the same situation as me. I so desperately wanted to know what true love is. This man, MM, shared the same crazy sense of humour and interests as me. It wasn't long before we were close and called each other Big and Little Lovey. We shared everything, innermost secrets, you name it. His three daughters are grown, youngest 19. My youngest is 13. We talked about our future and how we couldn't wait to do all of these things we had planned. I even told my H about him! Here is the sticky part. He and his wife have a huge debt and mortgage. She is the main breadwinner and he makes 30k. His income is needed. Without it, wife would have to sell the house and it would disrupt the girls lives, still living at home. BS knew of our relationship. The ground rules were he was not allowed to text me in front of her and family and he was not allowed out of the house alone without her or a daughter. BS knowingly hovered over him every evening and weekend. We had very limited communication and only saw each other for one hour a week at lunch on my day off. Every now and then, he would take a sick or vacation day. These days were bittersweet as they always ended so quick. I never was so physically close to someone where we truly MADE love. Looked in each other's eyes and said I love you while we experienced something fabulous together. We did a lot of things too, museums, movies, etc. It really wasnt about sex. It was the closeness we shared.

 

As you can imagine, this limited texting and limited time together was rough. I became frustrated and MM said he was depressed on the weekends because he felt like a captive. I recently started asking him to stand up for himself (for us) and this led to my NC. He couldn't stand up to his wife. Why? I know I am doing the right thing for myself but it hurts when you miss someone. He said he wanted our dreams to come true but couldn't. Said he cries when he thinks about how he hurt me. Said he had to stay for the girls. They are still his little girls. Said he had to take care of them. He even said he will always love me and we will both be alright. Really? How does he know about me being alright?

 

My story is not much different than the usual A but I'm stuck with all of these questions. Did he ever love me? Obviously not enough, to hurt me or make a change. Why was he such a wimp? A real man would have worked two jobs to be free of a situation that he was unhappy with. Instead he chose to stay home with a wife who is desperate for him to stay. Is he pretending I didn't exist in front of the girls? Likely. Why would his BS want him. Why do I want him still when he hurt me this bad. I'm seeing a therapist as I realize now I was searching for happiness in another person and not from within. I really don't know what I'm asking for. I guess support in knowing there are others who are feeling like I am.

 

My big question for those that are married and have started NC, is there anyone who is going to seriously divorce their spouse? I want to feel this love I did with MM and be free to do it. I will never, NEVER be an OM again. God as my witness. (Scarlett O'Hara) I am so depressed knowing I'm alone with a husband who I can barely talk to while MM is with a wife who gladly took MM back, who dotes on him like a mother. Is there anyone out there who has learned from this, divorced and then found true love? Please give me hope that life will be better for all of us in the long run.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Oh boy - your story makes me incredibly sad and yet I understand it completely.

 

I will tell you what my sister told me after everything blew up. This happened to wake you up to your life. Your XMM is not your savior. The love is real and intense - be glad for it - but it is there for your soul awakening. Now is the time for you to decide what you want WITHOUT XMM in it. You have to decide if you want to be married or not. Can you reconnect with your husband or connect for the first time, really? You have been with him a long time and I get why - your story resonates because mine is quite similar.

 

But if you decide to leave it has to be for you because more than likely if you divorced XMM will not be in your life. If that's okay, then do what is best for you, your husband and your children. Can you find love again? Sure you can and you probably will.

 

I look back at what my XMM and I had ( we did and shared many of the same things you and yours did) and although it was intense and amazing at the time, I don't want to ever be in that kind of "out of control" relationship again. I was probably the most ridiculous, out of control, emotional basket case I ever was in my life. I hardly knew myself. In fact, I really think the reason it all happened was to FIND myself. I am still working on that part, but it is coming slowly but surely and now I know that no matter what happens - whether I stay married, whether I don't, whether XMM stays married or not, or whatever - I will be okay and that is what is most important.

 

No contact is a bitch. Hang in there

[happy stillmore]

Thank you look miss I can't be wrong (I like your name btw).

 

"But if you decide to leave it has to be for you because more than likely if you divorced XMM will not be in your life. If that's okay, then do what is best for you, your husband and your children.

 

I have already come to terms that XMM is gone forever. He was too afraid to leave his comfort zone. He is trying desperately to gain back his daughters respect as it has been eating him up for a long time. Even if he knocked on my door, I would have to turn him away. I can't trust him after hurting me twice. (Remember I have trust issues, ha ha). I failed to mention that we were together for a year when he admitted the A to his wife. She begged and made him feel guilty to already try one more time. So he said goodbye to me then less than 2 months later contracts me and said he couldn't go on without me. I was ecstatic he came back and I thought this was the real deal. I had started a Master's program at this time. We were going to work towards our life together. I didn't have a life for 15 months while carrying for my children, working full-time and school. We still saw each other once every month and weekly for lunch, sent many, many sweet texts, etc. Here it is 20 months later, I'm done with school, my therapist is telling me to get out and do things. Of course, I want to spend every moment with my Big Lovey and this is where the push came to shove. He isn't able to leave the house alone. He wasn't willing to stand up to his wife. Now I feel like the stupid one. I should have known he was playing both sides. He is a cake-eater. I never would have thought that of him in a million years. But it is the hard truth. That is what we OMs hurt about. The hopes and dreams that were actually lies.

 

You are absolutely right. If I leave it has to be for me. I have told my therapist if I could swallow a pill and feel the magic or excitement of being in a relationship with my husband I would swallow the whole bottle. It would be the answer to everything. Nobody gets hurt, H, kids, family. I feel such guilt that I even contemplate hurting my kids. For some reason, I just want to live in my own place, with my own garden (sounds weird I know) I don't ask for much. I want to feel independent. I felt like my life was planned for me. I seriously don't even want a man right now. I want to make my life my own (with my kids). I'm scared though wondering what if I make a mistake and my life is a struggle and lonely. I know. These are questions only I can answer. Again, I thank you so much for your answer. I will be sure to reread to fully absorb.

Edited July 3, 2013 by happy stillmore

[canuckprincess]

First off I'm sorry for what your going through. I'm certain mm loved you and he loves his wife and the life they have built together. The person he seems to love the most is himself. Classic cake eater! Not all married men stick around after dday. Some go NC right away, others leave the wife and then of course their are the ones that tell the wife it's over but infact they continue to "cake eat" until the wife or the ow end it for them. I don't know how intense your relationship was, I just know that in my situation the sex is incredibly important but there is way way way more to it then just sex.

 

I can only imagine how horrible the NC is for you and I'm glad I haven't had to experience that. It's hard to lose your boyfriend and possibly your best friend because he's scared. It's sad that a man will stay a prisoner in his marriage to avoid hurting others.

 

I wonder if your mms wife has ever asked him what he truly wanted, as a former wife I would never want a man to stay with me out of pity. How sad for his wife to not be able to ever trust him again.

[LilGirlandOW]

. I feel such guilt that I even contemplate hurting my kids..

 

You really need help, I'm sorry you're hurting, but when you start thinking of hurting others its time for better intervention.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I wish there was something I could offer here, but I don't know. I don't know if there can be a happy ending to this. You hear of the people who divorce finally, who end their loveless marriages, and you hear of a few of them winding up with their AP legitimately later on down the road...

 

...but every situation is unique, no matter how much it looks the same. You need to decide your own happy ending. I'm sorry that you've been hurt by MM; I'm sure he regrets hurting you, as well. He's scared, torn between his feelings for you, and his duties to his daughters.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to call him a wimp for it; he's dealing with the situation in the manner he feels is best right now, just as you're dealing with it in your own way.

 

No matter how hopeless the situation seems, no matter how much despair you feel....never give up. Never give up on things getting better. They will. But you have to work toward that end, and more importantly, you need to decide what that end is, for you.

[happy stillmore]

LilgirlandOW, what I meant is that I'm stressed out knowing that my kids will be hurting if or when I make the move to divorce. They would be hurt by my actions. I would never hurt my kids on purpose but I see my situation as hopeless. Should I stay in a marriage where I am not happy for the rest of my life to spare my kids feelings? I already have for 20+ years. I just want to be happy but at what expense? My kids happiness? Another question I ask myself.

[ladydesigner]

First off I'm sorry for what your going through. I'm certain mm loved you and he loves his wife and the life they have built together. The person he seems to love the most is himself. Classic cake eater! Not all married men stick around after dday. Some go NC right away, others leave the wife and then of course their are the ones that tell the wife it's over but infact they continue to "cake eat" until the wife or the ow end it for them. I don't know how intense your relationship was, I just know that in my situation the sex is incredibly important but there is way way way more to it then just sex.

 

I can only imagine how horrible the NC is for you and I'm glad I haven't had to experience that. It's hard to lose your boyfriend and possibly your best friend because he's scared. It's sad that a man will stay a prisoner in his marriage to avoid hurting others.

 

I wonder if your mms wife has ever asked him what he truly wanted, as a former wife I would never want a man to stay with me out of pity. How sad for his wife to not be able to ever trust him again.

 

You know this is interesting because it is the same point of view MOW in our situation feels. She thinks I am holding him prisoner:lmao: I have never once begged my WH to stay with me. I have been the one to kick him out and also to threaten divorce (had an appointment with a lawyer set). MOW also thinks my WH stays with me because he pities me, but he sure doesn't act like that. If the MOW knew how he is with me now, she would probably think he was pitiful for jumping through all my hoops to save the marriage. It is sad that many of us BS's will never be able to trust our WS's 100% but it was a naive way of thinking anyways. Ok that was my exeperience as a BS.

 

Now as a fMOW, looking back in hindsight, the best thing to have ever happened was my A ending and me focusing on myself. (((happy stillmore))) I'm sorry you are hurting. I went NC with my xAP because I didn't like the chaos anymore, the push and the pull. I also knew that what I was doing was hurting me and my family. Why don't you take a break and focus on your feelings for a while until they become more clear to you. You don't have to make any decisions right now, but I think it may be helpful to start some kind of therapy or third party to talk to that understands your situation. Good Luck!!!

 

Just wanted to edit as I see the OP is already in therapy. That is great! Therapy for me has been amazing!

Edited July 3, 2013 by ladydesigner

[canuckprincess]

You know this is interesting because it is the same point of view MOW in our situation feels. She thinks I am holding him prisoner:lmao: I have never once begged my WH to stay with me. I have been the one to kick him out and also to threaten divorce (had an appointment with a lawyer set). MOW also thinks my WH stays with me because he pities me, but he sure doesn't act like that. If the MOW knew how he is with me now, she would probably think he was pitiful for jumping through all my hoops to save the marriage. It is sad that many of us BS's will never be able to trust our WS's 100% but it was a naive way of thinking anyways. Ok that was my exeperience as a BS.

 

Now as a fMOW, looking back in hindsight, the best thing to have ever happened was my A ending and me focusing on myself. (((happy stillmore))) I'm sorry you are hurting. I went NC with my xAP because I didn't like the chaos anymore, the push and the pull. I also knew that what I was doing was hurting me and my family. Why don't you take a break and focus on your feelings for a while until they become more clear to you. You don't have to make any decisions right now, but I think it may be helpful to start some kind of therapy or third party to talk to that understands your situation. Good Luck!!!

 

Just wanted to edit as I see the OP is already in therapy. That is great! Therapy for me has been amazing!

 

I'm just curious, is your husband still seeing his mow? If yes what bull is he telling her about your marriage and if not still seeing her, how do you know? I'm sure my mm jumps through hoops as well when he's at home.

[canuckprincess]

LilgirlandOW, what I meant is that I'm stressed out knowing that my kids will be hurting if or when I make the move to divorce. They would be hurt by my actions. I would never hurt my kids on purpose but I see my situation as hopeless. Should I stay in a marriage where I am not happy for the rest of my life to spare my kids feelings? I already have for 20+ years. I just want to be happy but at what expense? My kids happiness? Another question I ask myself.

 

Your kids will adjust either way, you'd be divorcing their dad not them. Follow your heart.

[ladydesigner]

I'm just curious, is your husband still seeing his mow? If yes what bull is he telling her about your marriage and if not still seeing her, how do you know? I'm sure my mm jumps through hoops as well when he's at home.

 

No they are not and this has been confirmed by her. We just spoke the other day and ended up wishing each other well. I'm sure he told her all the bull she told me and vice versa. I'm looking at his actions right now and not his words. Plus my WH is on GPS and is accountable for his time on his own, I never demanded it. He is doing it to help build back trust. We were both lied to at some point (me and MOW). I'm sure my WH loved her and that's okay, but at some point a choice needs to be made because I feel it is unfair to gaslight both the BS and the AP and keep them both hanging on the line. I was willingly ready to hand my WH over to her. I did not need to be treated that way and frankly neither did she.

[canuckprincess]

No they are not and this has been confirmed by her. We just spoke the other day and ended up wishing each other well. I'm sure he told her all the bull she told me and vice versa. I'm looking at his actions right now and not his words. Plus my WH is on GPS and is accountable for his time on his own, I never demanded it. He is doing it to help build back trust. We were both lied to at some point (me and MOW). I'm sure my WH loved her and that's okay, but at some point a choice needs to be made because I feel it is unfair to gaslight both the BS and the AP and keep them both hanging on the line. I was willingly ready to hand my WH over to her. I did not need to be treated that way and frankly neither did she.

 

You sound like a wonderful understanding woman. I often struggle with how bad I feel about my relationship with mm. I truly feel bad for his wife and although she blames me and wishes me dead, I can't stop it. I want to at times but I can't. I love him so deeply that I would rather have him part time then not at all.

What is so sad is im the only other person who feels her pain, and of course she knows the pain I feel.

On a side note, did they end it on dday or before? My dday was almost 2 years ago.

Edited July 4, 2013 by canuckprincess

[Praying4Peace]

Happy Stillmore,

 

Your kids will be okay as long as you can hold it together and you and your H can amicably coparent. It doesn't sound like he would be surprised if you brought it up. Maybe have a trial separation, though that is something not wise in terms of finances.

 

My xMM and I ended it and then I ended it with my H. The hardest part is getting over xMM and just getting used to everything. However, it is so nice not to have to fake a relationship that isn't there, try to fix something so broken its never getting fixed. My kids are really thriving, because I guess when you have no significant other the kids really get an extra heaping of love and attention (no, we don't spoil them!)

 

I have learned to live with the fact that xMM and I will never be together whether he is happy or not but I do live in fear of seeing or hearing from either of them.

 

The other, rather selfish problem is that I miss the normalness of the everyday routine and my H would at least have been a distraction that I could have thrown myself into to help keep my mind occupied. He is a really good guy...so I couldn't do that to him. He was majorly betrayed but actually doing much better now than he would have been with me on the rollercoaster ride.

 

Do what you think you need to do and can handle right now. In 20 more years your kids will NOT thank you for staying together with your H for them. They will not want to be held responsible for you giving up your chance to find a new you, a healthier you, and possibly even a great relationship. All they ask for is love and attention, whether its in one home or two. Kids are really flexible, it is quite amazing...I would never have believed it if I didn't live it myself.

 

Hope you find an answer

[happy stillmore]

Everyone, thank you for words of advice. I am new to this site and haven't quite figured out how to answer each person's post. It looks like you post and then it is added at the end of the thread. Anyway, I agree that I need to work on myself for now. You guys will laugh but I bought this book today at a thrift shop today. It is a book about yoga and its role in a young girl's life. I flip it open and it goes to a chapter titled Yoga and Relationships. The chapter starts off with this quote by a young yogini: "I've learned that the only way I could enjoy being with my boyfriend was to learn how to enjoy being without him. I had to learn to love myself as much as I loved him." This book is meant for teen girls! So true!

 

I wish I could ask MM so many questions. I feel like I started NC before thinking it all out. I guess there will be always be questions. I have to figure out how to move on and stop thinking about the "what ifs".

 

Canuckprincess, I totally can relate to your feelings. I am miserable without MM. He was truly my best friend. Now there are no texts and it makes me so lonely. I never imagined MM not being in my life. I thought we were each other's other half. I trusted him like I never have another. A part of me wants him in my life so bad but unfortunately, I am greedy and couldn't settle for his wife having the upper hand at all times. I began to see that no matter what, I would be sharing him. His abiding by her rules made me realize exactly where I stood. It depressed me when I realized he was not going to stand up to her. I didn't see it changing so I had to have him make the choice. I knew he was going to stay at home. He really didn't have any other option. (Actually he did if he worked hard enough, he could move out if he worked two jobs but who wants to do that when BS let's him watch tv all weekend) In my mind, I felt that if he had to stay at the house for financial reasons, then he should be able to do as he pleased. He is a 52 year old man afterall.

 

Thanks all for the advice about the effect of divorce and my kids. My kids are generally happy kids. My husband and I don't argue or throw things at each other. We bicker, H is very sarcastic and negative a lot. He has slept on the couch for 7 years. I broke down at the therapist' s office when I talked about how all I wanted was to feel loved even while I slept at night. MM loved to cuddle and I was in heaven when we held each other. I don't think it is asking too much out of life, to be loved completely.

Edited July 4, 2013 by happy stillmore
added more

[canuckprincess]

Everyone, thank you for words of advice. I am new to this site and haven't quite figured out how to answer each person's post. It looks like you post and then it is added at the end of the thread. Anyway, I agree that I need to work on myself for now. You guys will laugh but I bought this book today at a thrift shop today. It is a book about yoga and its role in a young girl's life. I flip it open and it goes to a chapter titled Yoga and Relationships. The chapter starts off with this quote by a young yogini: "I've learned that the only way I could enjoy being with my boyfriend was to learn how to enjoy being without him. I had to learn to love myself as much as I loved him." This book is meant for teen girls! So true!

 

I wish I could ask MM so many questions. I feel like I started NC before thinking it all out. I guess there will be always be questions. I have to figure out how to move on and stop thinking about the "what ifs".

 

Canuckprincess, I totally can relate to your feelings. I am miserable without MM. He was truly my best friend. Now there are no texts and it makes me so lonely. I never imagined MM not being in my life. I thought we were each other's other half. I trusted him like I never have another. A part of me wants him in my life so bad but unfortunately, I am greedy and couldn't settle for his wife having the upper hand at all times. I began to see that no matter what, I would be sharing him. His abiding by her rules made me realize exactly where I stood. It depressed me when I realized he was not going to stand up to her. I didn't see it changing so I had to have him make the choice. I knew he was going to stay at home. He really didn't have any other option. (Actually he did if he worked hard enough, he could move out if he worked two jobs but who wants to do that when BS let's him watch tv all weekend) In my mind, I felt that if he had to stay at the house for financial reasons, then he should be able to do as he pleased. He is a 52 year old man afterall.

 

Thanks all for the advice about the effect of divorce and my kids. My kids are generally happy kids. My husband and I don't argue or throw things at each other. We bicker, H is very sarcastic and negative a lot. He has slept on the couch for 7 years. I broke down at the therapist' s office when I talked about how all I wanted was to feel loved even while I slept at night. MM loved to cuddle and I was in heaven when we held each other. I don't think it is asking too much out of life, to be loved completely.

 

No it's not too much to be loved completely and unconditionally. Until I met my mm I had never experienced unconditional love, since finding it I don't want to ever be without it.

[happy stillmore]

Canuckprincess, is there a chance MM will leave his marriage? I do believe sometimes people who are true loves meet when the time isn't right. They should have met earlier but instead, their paths cross when the other is committed to another. MM feels guilty because his wife is not willing to throw 30 years away. I get that. She loves him and I sincerely felt guilt for causing her pain. She has insecurity issues herself. She once left a voicemail staying she hates herself. MM said if he left her it would kill her. I wish I had met him first. Life isn't fair sometimes. To top it off, he is originally from out of town. Everyone he knows is her family and friends. So it is easy to see why he is afraid to leave everything he knows.

[LilGirlandOW]

I apologize, i read that right out of context,

 

I would be lost without my MM in my life, he too is my best friend, but I give you a standing ovation on the courage you have to get on with your life, I wish somedays I could do the same... Who knows, maybe in sometime we'll both be posting here, as FOW, dating single HOT~ 40 somethings who live on their own, love us with even more passion and fulfillment and put all the bad relationships behind us. OOooo and they drive nice cars and dress well, somewhat housebroken too, lol.

 

Or I hope your M takes a 180, but you only live once and kids bounce back as quick as rubber.. so if you wanna be with someone your connected with go find him! stay with H, once the gids grow up and move out, its just you two, and when i get old i wanna be one of those old couples holding hands as they walk down the street cute

[happy stillmore]

LilgirlandOW, oh I hope that dream comes true for us!

 

"so if you wanna be with someone your connected with go find him! stay with H, once the gids grow up and move out, its just you two, and when i get old i wanna be one of those old couples holding hands as they walk down the street cute"

 

That is exactly what I dream about. Being that old couple who still holds hands. MM was looking for this type of love too. He and I shared the love we were looking for. But reality bit us in the arse.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Canuckprincess, is there a chance MM will leave his marriage? I do believe sometimes people who are true loves meet when the time isn't right. They should have met earlier but instead, their paths cross when the other is committed to another. MM feels guilty because his wife is not willing to throw 30 years away. I get that. She loves him and I sincerely felt guilt for causing her pain. She has insecurity issues herself. She once left a voicemail staying she hates herself. MM said if he left her it would kill her. I wish I had met him first. Life isn't fair sometimes. To top it off, he is originally from out of town. Everyone he knows is her family and friends. So it is easy to see why he is afraid to leave everything he knows.

 

You didn't ask me this question, but I will answer. It is unlikely he will leave his marriage. Most do not. My XMM also told me his bs couldn't exist without the marriage - she loved him desperately and begged him to stay. I don't know if that's true or not, but knowing her it probably was. They also have two small children and XMM (although having made many mistakes) does love his kids, is a "Christian", was seriously upset he broke the vows he made to her and he does love her.

 

Also, most men can do the math - they know what they will lose in a divorce. My husband has done the math - you can bet he has - and he has told me on several occasions. He knew exactly what he would be losing if he divorced me after my affair (he saw an attorney within two days of dday) and after his own affair. It is sad, but he chose to stay and much of the reason was because of reputation (his own affair would likely come out) and finances. I think he loves me, but I also believe that we have hurt each other so much that if finances weren't part of the issue, he would have left and honestly that's part of my reason for staying as well - along with years of history behind us. Others stay because of love and love alone.

 

In the end, though, it doesn't matter what his reasons are because he is staying there for now. You need to only be concerned with you and your family right now. This should be your focus.

[Pierre]

OP

 

It must be very difficult to seek happiness through others. It is a state of perpetual unhappiness that can only be fixed by external forces.

 

I hope you find that happiness, but it is a very difficult task.

 

True happiness comes from within.

[happy stillmore]

Pierre and lilmisscantbewrong,

 

I am working on myself. What do I want? What is it that my true Self wants? I have to learn to be happy on my own. I didn't know myself when I married. I didn't think I could live independently on my own. I thought marriage was the only option. I was working a minimum wage job and would probably still be living with my Dad at age 43 if I didn't marry. Ha ha. Well, I blamed my unhappiness on not having a sense of purpose or knowing what I wanted to do with my life. When the kids were small, I was too busy carrying for them to even think of myself or my needs. I was a stay-at-home mom. They were (are) my life. But I wanted more. When my youngest was 4, I went to nursing school. I even went on to get a bachelor's and a master's degree (not to brag). I do feel proud of myself that I now have a decent paying job and in a year I could conceivably support myself and my kids. I still feel the emptiness of being married to someone I am not connected to. We love each other but not in a "twin soul" way. We are roommates, with different views of life. I'm optimistic (usually) and he is pessimistic. I yearn for my other half. I wonder if I ask for too much. I am an identical twin and I want a bond that strong with my mate. Looking in each other's eyes and making each other a priority in life. Make everyday life special. I am slowly working on gaining strength for a divorce. I will focus my attention on my kids during this time with no man in my life. When I feel my kids are okay, maybe I will be free to open my heart to someone. The idea still scares me which is why XMM is where he is, at home. He couldn't follow his heart. I am trying to be true to myself. What will make me happy? I am thinking I will be happier on my own where I no longer feel empty in my marriage.

[Pierre]

Pierre and lilmisscantbewrong,

 

I am working on myself. What do I want? What is it that my true Self wants? I have to learn to be happy on my own. I didn't know myself when I married. I didn't think I could live independently on my own. I thought marriage was the only option. I was working a minimum wage job and would probably still be living with my Dad at age 43 if I didn't marry. Ha ha. Well, I blamed my unhappiness on not having a sense of purpose or knowing what I wanted to do with my life. When the kids were small, I was too busy carrying for them to even think of myself or my needs. I was a stay-at-home mom. They were (are) my life. But I wanted more. When my youngest was 4, I went to nursing school. I even went on to get a bachelor's and a master's degree (not to brag). I do feel proud of myself that I now have a decent paying job and in a year I could conceivably support myself and my kids. I still feel the emptiness of being married to someone I am not connected to. We love each other but not in a "twin soul" way. We are roommates, with different views of life. I'm optimistic (usually) and he is pessimistic. I yearn for my other half. I wonder if I ask for too much. I am an identical twin and I want a bond that strong with my mate. Looking in each other's eyes and making each other a priority in life. Make everyday life special. I am slowly working on gaining strength for a divorce. I will focus my attention on my kids during this time with no man in my life. When I feel my kids are okay, maybe I will be free to open my heart to someone. The idea still scares me which is why XMM is where he is, at home. He couldn't follow his heart. I am trying to be true to myself. What will make me happy? I am thinking I will be happier on my own where I no longer feel empty in my marriage.

 

No one can make another person happy 24/7. Your H cannot make you happy 24/7, neither your kids, neither a masters degree.

 

You are intrinsically unhappy and probably has to do with your childhood.

 

Intrinsically happy people are not in a quest to find happiness through someone else (see bold). They are happy whether alone, in a marriage, and whether they have kids or not.

 

You need counseling with a top notch psychiatrist.

 

Please divorce your H right away.

 

Good luck, I think you are on the right track.

[Finally Settled]

Pierre and lilmisscantbewrong,

 

I am working on myself. What do I want? What is it that my true Self wants? I have to learn to be happy on my own. I didn't know myself when I married. I didn't think I could live independently on my own. I thought marriage was the only option. I was working a minimum wage job and would probably still be living with my Dad at age 43 if I didn't marry. Ha ha. Well, I blamed my unhappiness on not having a sense of purpose or knowing what I wanted to do with my life. When the kids were small, I was too busy carrying for them to even think of myself or my needs. I was a stay-at-home mom. They were (are) my life. But I wanted more. When my youngest was 4, I went to nursing school. I even went on to get a bachelor's and a master's degree (not to brag). I do feel proud of myself that I now have a decent paying job and in a year I could conceivably support myself and my kids. I still feel the emptiness of being married to someone I am not connected to. We love each other but not in a "twin soul" way. We are roommates, with different views of life. I'm optimistic (usually) and he is pessimistic. I yearn for my other half. I wonder if I ask for too much. I am an identical twin and I want a bond that strong with my mate. Looking in each other's eyes and making each other a priority in life. Make everyday life special. I am slowly working on gaining strength for a divorce. I will focus my attention on my kids during this time with no man in my life. When I feel my kids are okay, maybe I will be free to open my heart to someone. The idea still scares me which is why XMM is where he is, at home. He couldn't follow his heart. I am trying to be true to myself. What will make me happy? I am thinking I will be happier on my own where I no longer feel empty in my marriage.

 

Your posts are very touching happy stillmore. Much of what you are writing reflects similar feelings I had for years before my affair, and the years after where I did what I thought I should and stayed in the marriage.

 

I loved my exwife, but we had long since lost our youthful animal appeal for each other. I encouraged her to join me in counselling, but she saw didn't see or feel the fractures in our relationship as I did. I tried until she made it clear she was completely uninterested in accepting there were issues and addressing them accordingly. After a number of attempts I stopped and I became complacent.

 

I do not use that as an excuse for having an affair, but it left me in a marriage that was neither happy nor unhappy. When my other woman ended our relationship I came face to face with it. What I considered my best attempts at reconciliation were thwarted by my inability to set my heart free of my other woman, and the desire by my exwife to carry on ignoring anything that was an issue in our marriage.

 

I spent four years in this limbo. I loved my exwife and wanted to protect her from hurt, but eventually I found that being neither happy nor unhappy was enough for me. In her mind our lives were cast in iron and any change was met with total disregard. Whether she acknowledged it or not, the affair changed us and the relationship we had. She wanted nothing more than to revert back to what we had and I wanted nothing more to move forward to whatever was waiting for us.

 

I don't say this with any insult to my exwife. I fully recognize the mistakes I made and the dangers I exposed our marriage to. I remained silent when I should have stood and shouted for her to help fix us.

 

I yearned for the things you have spoken of in your posts. I have some regrets as to how I have arrived where I am now, but none that I am now here. I am also very happy to say that my exwife has found someone who has rekindled her interest in life. What we weren't able to do for each other, others did for us.

[happy stillmore]

Pierre, you are right. Although I am one who smiles a lot, I disagree that I am "intrinsically" sad. To be intrinsically sad, I would have been born a sad, fussy baby. If you saw pictures of me, I was a smiley baby and always had a smile even in the awkward teen years with braces. I do agree that I have a sadness in me. Watching my mother die before my eyes from the age of 13 and on changed me. I'm still grieving that loss. Initially, that is why I started therapy, to deal with that loss. Then, I learned how this loss led to my unhappiness today. A mother-daughter relationship is close. My sense of security died along with my Mom. I am now exactly the same age my mother was when she was diagnosed with cancer. I realize I'm a grown-up and I am responsible for my actions. I am only explaining how screwed up I was when I married. I met my H on the exact one year anniversary of her death and somehow saw that as a sign. So, it is evident then I was searching for happiness in others. I would describe myself as an optimist even with all that I have experienced.

 

I appreciate your advice. I really do.

[happy stillmore]

Finally settled, your name says it all.

I am struggling with the "cast-in-iron" idea myself. Divorce doesn't happen in my family. Crazy thing. I'm 43 and still care what my Dad thinks of me. We were raised Catholic and divorce is obviously frowned upon. My Dad will be disappointed to say the least. I know I'm a grown-up and I can make my own decisions. I have talked about this with my therapist. Believe me.

 

I'm curious. Do you have any children? If so, may I ask how old they were when you divorced? Did they handle it well? That is my biggest fear, hurting my children. I'm glad your life is better now that you found the right one. It sounds like the heartache was worth it. Thank you for your reply.

Edited July 4, 2013 by happy stillmore