I just don't know..

[Mariaki]

This is my first time going online posting anything but i felt the need for external advice as I've exhausted my friends for the past year.. Here it goes..

 

There was this guy, a coworker of mine.. He is African American and when I first saw him I really wasn't attracted to him.. I was 17 at the time ( as he said jail bait) and he was 23.. I never looked my age and therefore felt protected against older guys when they would hit on me cause of my age..

 

I'm now almost 20. We became friends and even after I turned 18 it was kept at a very civil non flirtatious level of contact. Then, suddenly it all changed.. I was heartbroken by a guy I really liked and told him.. And then he started asking me out again.. A day before my birthday I was depressed cause of family issues and messaged him to go out for lunch.. That's how easy it was to get with him and that's how everything started..

 

I had never kissed a guy before him nonetheless be sexually active.. It was all with him.. We had sex for the first on our 3rd date and it was without a condom.. (No birth control on my side either) I wasn't pressured and don't regret it.. He continued to take care of me and message me which made me feel at ease that he wasn't using me.. He even told me that if all be wanted was sex his game would be completely different with me.. Then, we had sex a second time, his time it was my turn to give him oral sex and we started off without a condom but I stopped it and went to get protection:) I was very proud of myself that time!!!

 

After that it all switched. Also let me mention that he already has 4 kids under the age of 4 form four different girls.. I knew that from the beginning.. So then be stops texting me first, asking to see me, in general minimizes contact.. And every time I asked to see him he was 'busy' even though he worked at most 15 hours a week and isn't in school.. Two months without seeing him go by and I text him breaking up with him afte I received a text from him. I thought I would be fine

 

I ended up meeting up with him 5 times after our 'break up' the first time I managed to keep a distance but I was dying to kiss him again.. The other times we made out and he wanted more but kissing is as far as we got.. It's been 4 months since we last had sex and I'm counting 117 days late for my period.. I told him while I was crying cause I don't want to be pregnant and I asked him If he would be ok with me being pregnant and his response ' it won't affect me so I don't care." Meanwhile, a day. After I broke up with him I found out he had been hard core flirting with other girls in the same store with me and had been getting their phone numbers to 'kick it wit dem' as he told me..

 

As my friends tell me, I'm pretty and deserve much better.. I don't think so.. I'm overweight and not very confident.. He says he likes 'thick girls'. Before I started going out with him I had a 4.0 in college and the semester we were going out it dropped to a 2.5.. I feel stupid and don't know what to do.. I can't stop thinking of him and feel I just might be in love unfortunately.. If only I didn't had feelings for him it would be soooo much easier :'( I saw him 2 weeks ago and he asked me if I wanted to move in with him, take a road trip and in general go public as a couple.. Yet he hasn't contacted me since.. I unfriended him from Facebook as I couldn't handle seeing him online or seeing the pictures of other girls he's constantly liking.. I deleted his phone number so I don't have any means of communicating with him.. But I can't get over him..

 

The way he treated me wasn't the best but I'm hoping somewhere deep down inside he actually did care about me? Or had/has feelings for me? We've always had this debate as to who got who.. I do want to be back with him but seeing the other girls he's been flirting with hurts so bad and I can't help but start bawling.. Is there any way things will get better granted that I'm also not pregnant?

 

Sorry for it being so lengthy and it's not even 1/3 of the entire story.. As honest as you'll be I've already scrutinized myself a number of times so go for it.. I think a slap in the face for the millionth time may be something I need...