He says it will happen in the future...maybe??

[amkxoxo]

I think that's a big problem of mine. I don't know what good for me. I don't know what to do. I keep looking to others for help. Anyone and everyone for help because I'm so confused and conflicted as to what and why this is happening. I'm lost. If it was up to me and what I wanted I would not give up.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think that's a big problem of mine. I don't know what good for me. I don't know what to do. I keep looking to others for help. Anyone and everyone for help because I'm so confused and conflicted as to what and why this is happening. I'm lost. If it was up to me and what I wanted I would not give up.

 

That's what you don't get. It's not up to you. It's up to him. And he doesn't want it. He never really has -- I don't care what he said. His actions have been pretty lukewarm toward you as far as you two being a couple. You can say "I'm not going to give up" until you are blue in the face, but it does not matter. He doesn't want it and no amount of ridiculous rehashing you do will change that.

Edited August 3, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[anotherescape]

Hey, I just wanted to join in for a min.

 

First off, I would like to say that I understand what you're going through (I'm actually living my way through the aftermath of a similar relationship).

 

I'm not saying that there will never be a time for a relationship to occur. However, I will say that the time isn't now.

 

Also, the way you've been dealing with him (no worries I've had moments like that too) isn't doing you any favors if you guys were ever to rekindle a relationship. Look at it this way, right now you're being clingy and overly emotionally involved. Any relationship where behavior like that occurs is highly unlikely to work.

 

So what can you do?

 

-first off, find out what makes you happy. (preferably things that would make you happy even if you were in a relationship)

-figure out who you are and who you want to be.

-let time do its time.

 

It's what I'm trying to do right now. Example: my ex broke up with me due to distance. I haven't completely let go yet but I know I can't be with him right now because he gave up on us. So instead I'm focusing on my studies, exploring a new country and learning to play the guitar and violin. I'm still in low-contact with my ex but I don't go out of my way to talk to him and I definitely try to avoid reading into his words and actions. Also, I don't overanalyze and rehash our conversations because we won't be able to rekindle things for another 10 months (at the earliest), so doing so would be pointless and hurt me.

 

I'm not sure how old you are, but time is your friend. So if you like talking to him, talk to him. But make yourself no illusions, nothing you do or say will bring him back sooner, but being clingy will definitely push him away. So find you (whoever that is). You deserve much more than being in a pseudo-relationship because you're convenient.

[TaraMaiden]

amkxoxo

 

This is what you have to do:

 

You write him a text or letter.

 

Write this, precisely as I give it to you. In fact, copy and paste.

 

"Dear *his name*,

 

I can't do this any more.

I have no idea where I stand with you.

All I know is that the whole situation makes me desperately unhappy, confused and bewildered. I never know what I'm going to get from you, so I have come to a decision.

I am going complete No Contact, and going to pursue my life for me, instead of hooking it onto the back-burner for you.

 

Please do not try to contact me in any way at all, ever, either directly or through friends and family.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for, but I now realise it's not me.

I have to give up all and any hope of that. I've tried for ages, and you're just not giving back what I need.

I now aim to find that, somewhere else.

Have a good life.

 

*Your name*".

 

Then, move on.

 

Trust me, it really is the only way you'll stop all this continuous, repeated, re-hashed nonsense.

[TaraMaiden]

*TM now sits and waits for basically just more re-hashing....*

[amkxoxo]

None is coming I swear!

[TaraMaiden]

Wow!!

 

I believe that's your shortest ever post!!

 

[BC1980]

Honestly, if someone were making me this crazy, I would simply cut them out of my life. The situation is not going to be satisfactory for you the way it is, and you can't turn it into something you want.

 

So. . . . cut him out. End of story. Go through the hard part for awhile instead of living in this for who knows how long. Even after a month or 6 weeks, if you can just tough it out with the NC, things will seem better.

[amkxoxo]

Okay so he called me again the other night. We talked for a couple hours, were a little flirty, then as we were hanging up he said it was so good talking to me and I said the same, then he goes "yeah its not like you talk to me anymore." I was shocked, because yeah I don't make it a point to call, text, etc...he made it clear he wanted space to figure his life out and we couldn't be together right now. We hung up, and that comment lingered in my mind. Like what the hell?? You don't want to be with me, that's why I'm not calling.

 

So I texted him back to call me again. He called right back, and tells me he is laying in his bathtub. I found this bizarre. Like your naked. I then questioned him about his comment asking why he would say that since he made it clear he didn't want to be together. He said he was only kidding and it was more of a joke because he could be sick at any moment and then wont be able to call. I called this BS. He noticed I wasn't calling.

 

We talked for hours and hours after that. Flirting a ton, which I was so confused about. He told me he was happy I brought it up since it obviously bothered me, and he told me he was glad we could communicate openly. we kept making flirty jokes about how I should make him cookies. I kept telling him he didn't deserve my homemade cookies and why should I make them for him. He went on to jokingly list off all the stuff he did for me when we were dating and even hinted to sexual things. I found this strange. I try and sensor myself when we talk so I don't bring up anything about things that happened with us at school, because we aren't in the same place anymore. we aren't together. He openly talks about it.

 

He told me that he is coming down to my college some weekend. I made it seem like I didn't care. He told me I should make cookies for him then. I jokingly refused with a witty remark each time. He then threw in my face that "I'll get Laura to make them." I was like what the hell??? Laura is a good friend of his who openly loves him. She has professed her love to him many times, and they still hangout but he has never nor will have feelings for her. I thought that this comment was rude and mean and he was trying to make me jealous. Why are you trying to make me jealous if you don't want me?? Sounds like he does. I told him that it was mean and shallow and he questioned why and I told him "Because you know she will make you them if you ask because she wont refuse you." Like this girl would probably kiss his feet if she thought it would make him like her. I'm not threatened by her because he told me he thinks she is unattractive and he has known her for years so he could have had her if he wanted.

 

I found the whole cookie thing to be flirty and it went on for quite a while. He told me that I should make them when he comes down to out school to visit....and I'm like that sounds like he plans on seeing me?? I'm not gonna beg. I told him "You know where I live."

 

At one point we were talking about this ski resort he went to as a child and he said he desperately wants to go back. We were laughing about it and he was telling me all about the memories of it and it seemed like a really nice place to go....then he was all. "Oh we'll go. WE should go in the winter. Were going. " I'm not holding my breath but wtf?? "Were going." Huh?? This guy can talk a smooth talk but im waiting for the walk.

 

I give him credit he is trying to get his life together and he got a job and wants to have a steady income so that by Christmas he can get his own place. I respect him for it.

 

As we were saying our goodbyes on the phone, the comment about me not talking to him came up again. I told him that he made it clear that he didn't want to be a couple and he needed to get his life together, so I figured I was giving the him the space he asked for. He was like well "No, you should do what you want." and I was like "If I did all the things I wanted with you, you would stop me and have me take a step back....wait you did that." He told me that I should just be myself and if I want to call im I should. I'm still not. He told me that he's like a toy with the 'batteries sold seperately' right now, then he says "If you can't take the toy without the batteries right now." He was in the middle of saying something and the phone line went dead. I think my phone like shut off. I tried to call him back twice and texted him saying "oh my phone lost contact, call me when you can." Its only been a day but he hasn't called or texted back. IDK .....This guy drives me crazy but it almost makes me want him more.....errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Simon Phoenix]

Wash, rinse, repeat.

[BC1980]

Okay so he called me again the other night. We talked for a couple hours, were a little flirty, then as we were hanging up he said it was so good talking to me and I said the same, then he goes "yeah its not like you talk to me anymore." I was shocked, because yeah I don't make it a point to call, text, etc...he made it clear he wanted space to figure his life out and we couldn't be together right now. We hung up, and that comment lingered in my mind. Like what the hell?? You don't want to be with me, that's why I'm not calling.

 

Well, you played this totally wrong. You showed your hand by admitting that his comment got you thinking. Now, he knows he has you on the hook. He calls you once, and you hand him yourself on a silver platter, talking for hours.

 

Also, constantly bringing up his comment for the purpose of analyzing it with him is why you aren't getting any calls back. You are talking one little comment and hanging onto it for dear life, wanting it to be a sign. This alone shows you cannot handle talking to this guy. He is playing games, and you are getting strung along, quite willingly unfortunately. Though, you do seem to be oblivious to what you are allowing him to do to you.

 

No person is worth your mental well being, and it's clear that this guy has you stressed out. You need to forget this guy, and a great way to start is by not answering the phone when he calls again.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm afraid I stopped reading at -

 

Okay so he called me again the other night.

[amkxoxo]

I'm so afraid I messed up. Its been two weeks since the time he called me and he made that comment "oh well you don't really call me anymore." And I got a little defensive with him saying that "this is what you wanted, you said you wanted space to figure your life out and you made it clear that we couldn't be together right now." He then said "well I didn't say we couldn't talk and you can do what you want." I then challeneged " well no I can't do what I want because when I did you stopped me and told me to take a step back." He then replied with " I don't know what you want ms to say to this." I replied with " its not fair to me to do what I want." I think everything I said was okay. I question if he took this as 'oh she doesn't want me to call her.' But if that was the case I wouldn't answer the phone let alone stay on for 4 hours with you. Whyyyyy hasn't he called???? I don't think anything I said was wrong or mean. Did he seen it as me being annoying. Idk.

 

He was in the middle of saying something and the phone cut off. I tried calling him back but he must have fallen asleep. I texted him that we should talk soon and I hope he has a good night. I mean this whole intense discussion was after us talking and flirting and joking around for like 3-4 hours so things seemed fine. I sent him one cute emoji picture on twitter and he never responded. My friends think he's trying to hold me off so I come crawling back. Haven't tried contacting him. I'm so sad not hearing from him. He told me he was glad I brought up what bothers me and we can talk it out. Idk what to do. Last night I wanted to just call him so bad. I'm back at school and miss him being here with me. Although I'm hanging out with all my friends and having a good time, I feel lonely without him. I was talking to a girl on my sports team and she asked what had been going on with him and I told her. She gods " damn girl...that doesn't sound like you broke up at all. It sounds like your still together." I just brushed it off and was like noooooo and she goes " ummm years it sounds like he totally still likes you and your still together." This got me thinking OmG maybe we were still together, did I mess it up with that comment. I hope not. Idk if I should call him. Or keep waiting it out. He might come down to my school to visit and I'm praying he will come and see me. My mom said I did nothing wrong and that he can contact me and come see me and she is sure he will.

 

I'm also stumped because those concert tickets wouldn't sell so I'm going next week. I need someone to go with and I have no idea who to invite. I have one guy I could bring he's a friend. I also have another guy who I know would love it but he's a little geeky and wouldn't want to get drinks after or anything. Because I have a friend from work who is going with her boyfriend and she wants to meetup and get drinks after. I could take my roommate who is a girl. I'm so conflicted about who to invite.

 

I think being back at school where me and him began is getting to me. I feel like I'm starting from scratch. God I miss him.

Edited August 27, 2013 by amkxoxo

[Zahara]

She gods " damn girl...that doesn't sound like you broke up at all. It sounds like your still together." I just brushed it off and was like noooooo and she goes " ummm years it sounds like he totally still likes you and your still together." This got me thinking OmG maybe we were still together, did I mess it up with that comment..

 

Did you guys actually get back together? As in communicated that you both are in a relationship with each other? I'm confused.

[amkxoxo]

No we were never an official relationship because he wanted to get his life together. We went steady for about 4 months. Then long distance

 

One of my guy friends put things into perspective for me....as a man you want to feel like the man in the relationship. Be that guy for the girl. Give her what she deserves. Take her out, call her all the time, visit her, have a job. My guy friend said he knows exactly how my guy feels.

 

My guy communicated he has no car, no job, and no money and can't give me what I deserve. He said he didn't want us to rush into something where he couldn't give me the world. He thinks he can in the future and gives me examples of things he has done in the past saying I deserve that. Technically we are both single, but neither of us are seeing anyone. We call and talk for hours and hours....many people have told me that's something you do with a boyfriend or someone your dating not just a friend. A lot of my teammates here are like " oh it sounds like your still casually dating." We flirt all the time when we talk and act like we are still going steady.

 

Last time we saw each other was about two months ago. We had such a great day together and he flirted with me. I asked him to kiss me and he said he didn't think it was a good idea. Then we talked about a relationship and that's when he told me he doesn't have what he thinks I deserve and I deserve "all the niceness in the world." He told me that he still liked me and always did. But hes also Mr. "Actions speak louder than words Alex." Like what?? Idk how to handle what we are. Like I went NC and still am, but am I overreacting?? Maybe we never really broke up but it was more of a "back off" until I get my stuff together and I'm getting upset and crazy thinking he broke up with me. I'm so conflicted because being back at school makes me miss him and want to talk to him. He said he was coming to visit my school to see some of his friends. My mom tells me to just wait and see if he makes the effort to visit me because I made it clear how I felt about him and its up to him to chase. Idk what to do? What's going on? What I did wrong? If I did wrong? What he thinks?

Edited August 27, 2013 by amkxoxo

[Zahara]

If he's not deserving of you, then he needs to let you go so that you can find someone that has their life together in order to date you. He doesn't have the right to keep you hanging on, or rather keep yourself hanging on.

 

If you don't care that he has no money, no car, etc., then he should accept that and move forward with you.

 

Other than that, I'm not sure what else to tell you other than he is just making excuses and keeping you on the backburner.

[Simon Phoenix]

He's totally keeping you on the backburner and you keep sucking it up and overanalyzing. You really need to stop talking about this guy -- you can't do it without turning yourself into a pretzel. I mean, this is months upon months of rehashing and overanalyzation. You haven't progressed at all.

 

A guy will make every effort necessary to be with you if he wants to be with you. He's not making that effort. Stop talking to him on the phone, stop texting him, stop talking about him, you need to go cold turkey. It's just you torturing yourself for no reason at this point.

 

And you shouldn't acting like you are dating until you are dating. What's the motivation for him to date you if he can just get whatever he wants without having a commitment. Develop some self-control and some boundaries.

[todreaminblue]

its really hard when you like someone and that level of feeling isnt returned to maintain distance yet keep the friendship alive its exhausting actually.....yoru friend is honest about this and has made it quite clear he isnt ready,you have to respect that.

 

when someone says to another go date others i want to be your last get it out of your system,

 

 

i dont find that at all positive for a possible future and honestly a chance for you to meet and fall in love with someone else whether he wants you to be his last or not

 

i have not known many women who dont want the person they are with and are in love with to not be their last, except for my casual fwb friends who are only looking for sex.......dating to me is not something to get out of your system,unless of course you were looking for sexual partners and felt horny...and needed it out of your system, dating to me and some others i guess is a way to find a potential partner.......not to be taken lightly or play with another's emotions, hopes and or dreams to fill in time and get it out of your system...thats just my opinion though

 

 

 

people get hurt all the time in relationships when they break up its normally because hurt is involved on one side or even both......and some people take along time to get over hurt....this boy is one........he is a boy.......who is sweet and has a broken heart, but he is lacking in maturity and life experience...he is not at the same place you are......and not compatible as anything to you but a friend...and i feel....

 

 

 

this thought or idea is for you now and will probably be the same situation in the future...........just be his friend if it doesnt hurt too much for you to be his friend......but ....let him go as a love interest....and heal yourself..my advice to you is never date to get it out of your system but date a guy who you have genuine emotion for who returns those emotions to you(thsi si really important for your self esteem) so it is mutual and doesnt leave you wanting...

 

that dating experience will be a lot more fulfilling for you and the person you are with...best of luck...hugs to ya.......deb

[amkxoxo]

I appreciate those who have read this thread. He's not a bad person. I really don't care if he has a car money etc...I value time. He knows this I have made it known. He has acknowledged it to me and tried to give me as much time as he can. I just don't get the flirting with me and telling me I'm perfect. Then be with me. Its not that he isn't deserving of me ....he told me that he isn't capable if his best right now and he would like to give me more but can't. He told me that if I met someone I liked a lot and wanted to see them I could, but he would like me go let him know. He said that he would come for me if he was ready even if I was with someone, he said he would make it known and fight for me back. When I questioned if he wanted to throw me off to go see others so he could be rid of me he said, that he still really liked me and never stopped And would have told me if his feelings had changed.

 

This guy dated one of my friends a year ago and he openly broke up with her and told her his feelings changed and he couldn't see them being together and they just didn't fit. He didnt like her as much anymore. He still openly tells me that we mesh so well together. I don't get it.

[Minneloa]

Please, OP, take a deep breath and try to step back from the situation. You have not talked with this man in two weeks; that is the only pertinent information here. The rest is, to put it bluntly, obsessive rehash of the past. You mind is running wild trying to interpret what has previously happened; unfortunately, none of that currently matters.

 

With all due respect, you have to figure out a way to let this go and live in the present. Find ways to occupy your mind that do not include talking about him. Make a list of activities (e.g., reading, biking, watching movies, going to the beach, scrapbooking, rock climbing) you like and do one each day. It's difficult to move on, but you have to give it a shot. All of this dwelling and recycling is getting you nowhere.

 

I am still recovering from a breakup, too, and it's been tough. But it is up to us to face reality and make the choice to move forward into the future, even if it's scary and not the one we wanted.

 

I will step off my soapbox now. Sending good thoughts.

 

M.

[amkxoxo]

I was doing so well. I think going back to school had made me a scared and insecure girl. He isn't here with me. This is where me and him started. Now he's gone. I so conflicted because I can't even comprehend if we broke up. He calls me and flirts with me and tells me im perfect and that we mesh so well together. That's current, that's not in the past. He's done that recently. People I have been talking to all say it sounds like were dating. Were still together, and he still likes me. I'm so confused. I wanted to call him last night so so bad because I was having a sad night, not because of him, just in general and I wanted to hear his voice. For him to cheer me up. I needed just him. I think not calling him last night is eating away at me today. I want to call him. Why hasn't he called in 2 weeks?? its killing me. I want to call him. See what he's been doing. I need to hear his voice. I love him. The fact that he still call means he still cares. He told me the moment he stops calling is when he lost feelings for me. He sees me in his future. He has eluded to us being together in the future and has made references to events in the future I will be at. When he broke up with my friend he never did that. He told her it was over, and Bam! No future for them. I feel like I'm suffering inside. I shouldn't be this emotional, I am trying to think of so many other people who have it worse off than me, but I miss him so so so much. My mom says if I want to call him I should just do so and keep it light and friendly. I don't know If I should just call him. I am so conflicted as to wait for him to call me?, but what if he doesn't. Wait to see it he comes down to my college and makes it a point to see me??? IDKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Minneloa]

Two weeks ago is not current. It is the past. You must deal with the present moment. That is all we have. And in the present moment, he is not contacting you. Period. Full stop. Accept it.

[amkxoxo]

Should I call him?? What's the harm in that? He has called me the last two times?

[Simon Phoenix]

This is just painful to witness. I mean, there has to be a point where you have to get out of this cycle. What are you getting out of this? You need to stop thinking about this, talking about this. You are obsessed and I think your friends are just trying to tell you something positive because they have no idea how to react to it. But you keep rehashing the same sh*t all the time. You haven't progressed past step one.

 

STOP TALKING TO HIM

 

STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM TO OTHERS

 

STOP TRYING TO PSYCHOANALYZE EVERYTHING HE'S SAYING

 

STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THINGS FROM THE PAST THAT ARE NULL AND VOID

 

HE TOLD YOU THAT ACTIONS MEAN MORE THAN WORDS. HIS ACTIONS ARE NONEXISTENT

 

STOP OBSESSING

 

I mean, at this point it doesn't seem like you want to help yourself. It's almost like you cherish the drama and the rehashing.

[Simon Phoenix]

Should I call him?? What's the harm in that? He has called me the last two times?

 

No! Calling him won't help -- it will just lead to another 1,000-word, one paragraph wall of text where you are trying to figure out what the hidden meaning of every word is and referencing things from the past that don't matter at all. He has said that if he wants you, he will fight for you. He's not fighting for you. Stop being delusional.