3.5 years later she left me after her graduation over couple/personal issues

[krz]

Hello all. I just signed up for this site after lurking for the past couple of days and learning A LOT. And I'm sorry it's so long! Wow.

 

Some history (if you want): My ex and myself got together after being friends for a few years. We weren't really very close then to be honest, we just knew and hung around the same people. She was always like one of the guys though; not overly emotional about joking and a good sense of humor, she wouldn't take any crap from anybody, etc. She says she was attracted to me ever since she saw me during her junior year and my senior but she was too nervous. I personally didn't see her that way at the time. Later on after we had both graduated we were dating separate people, I was growing distant with my then girlfriend of a little over 2 years and she was doing the same with her then boyfriend of 3 years, we all still knew each other and hung around a lot. Before our small group of friends spiraled out of control and drifted apart due to many unrelated things, I for some reason or another started looking at her differently. I started becoming attracted to her. I started thinking about her constantly, especially at work. When I got to the point I was feeling butterflies just thinking about her being around, imagining holding hands with her, and the very small flirting we would do with each other on occasion I realized I had fallen for her.

Almost like fate, we both had a fight with our own SO at the same time for unrelated things. We started hanging out and realized we both had the same feelings for each other. We both broke it off with our SO's on the same day at the same time and immediately started dating each other. I was about to turn 21 and she was 18. She told me she loved me maybe a year (or less) into our relationship. It was too soon for me though so I couldn't say it. I never have before at that point. This was the only time she actively tried getting me to say it back.

 

Throughout our 3.5 years together we almost broke up one time because she felt we were around each other too much and she had no personal space. This was maybe 1.5 years into it. But she doesn't even recall it happening. Other than that we have been in each others lives constantly, we were always there for each other when one of us needed the help, motivation, or confidence to do anything. We have, for the most part, always been homebody's but we also enjoyed a good adventure somewhere from time to time; more recently becoming more frequent with the going out however.

 

The present: I'm 24 and she's 21. She has just graduated after being in college throughout most of our time together. I'm still in college now. We were both working on and off throughout but it hasn't been until recently that we haven't had a lot of time to hang out with each other, become intimate, or plan trips anymore due to our schedules for the past few months. I had also been living with her and her family for the past year in her small room (she invited me because my family moved and left me behind). I started noticing that she has been increasingly more irritable and depressed the more her graduation neared but I didn't know what to do about it and she wouldn't really want to talk to me about what was going on. We were both still busy and focusing on our things at this point so it never went anywhere it should have, like a discussion. She also admitted to me a couple of times around this point that she feels we're best friends. Looking back now it was a flag, but at the time I thought, "Why is that bad? She's my best friend and lover." I expressed this thought of mine, not seeing the big deal with being both best friends and a couple and she didn't say much about it after.

 

The irritability/depression/stress continued to get worse up until her graduation day and we had a fight before she went off to graduation practice for the ceremony. She had started taking to drinking all of a sudden and I was against it. I got mad at her for going out to drink with a bunch of people without saying a word to me until afterwards. I let it go, trying to be understandable and mature about it, and went to her graduation and everything seemed fine with her afterwards until her family threw her a graduation party the next day. All of her cousins and her brother flaked out of it. She seemed crushed. I tried to make up for it at the last minute by inviting some people out to drink and bowl. She seemed to be feeling better.

 

One week after graduating the irritability/depression/stress was back in full swing. She hates her job that she's stuck at, the owners are screwing her out of a reasonable wage for now being a graduate and refuse to hire her full time. They also berate her behind her back and make up stores about how they see her sleeping on the job and so forth. She's also just started getting loan payment requests in the mail for $600 a month. She seemed to not know what to do with herself now that she had graduated. I would come home to her reading manga like she did when she was 18 and getting more interested in alcohol.

Throughout this time I have been focusing on my summer session classes and working while also making sure we had time to go out on the weekends and try to have fun together.

 

Two weeks ago I come home on a Friday. She texted me at work cheerfully saying she wants to watch a movie at home together like we used to do a lot before we got really busy (though we had been going out to watch movies a lot at this point). I walked in to her drinking Fireball straight out of the bottle (she drank half the bottle and barely seemed buzzed; she has a really high tolerance) and looking at old pictures of her life during the early/easier high school years. This event started making me worry to be honest. But again, I had no idea what to do about it and she wouldn't tell me anything. I tried telling her to not focus so much on drinking, being afraid she will change to cope with stress and depression, but she only got angry at me. Her mood completely soured the rest of the night and continued throughout the weekend.

By the following Sunday she slept. That's it. She slept the entire day. I tried asking her if she wanted to do anything, I proposed ideas we could do, but the most I would get in response was maybe a grunt. She wouldn't look at me, talk, or sit up all day. I was worried about her, but I figured she was feeling very depressed and wanted to be left alone. So that's what I did. It's what she had always told me to do when she was feeling bad. Leave her alone. I checked on her the entire day, asked if she wanted to eat/drink anything, but I got nothing so I left her alone.

 

Monday of last week rolls around. I'm at work and she texts me about half way through my shift. "We need to talk" and wouldn't tell me what about. Horrible gut feeling came over me.

I get home and she takes me to her car to talk. We get in and she's silent so I ask what she wants to say, she started crying, and she lays it on me: "I think we should break up. I just need time to focus on myself right now." I was speechless and in immediate denial. I tried reasoning with her but she couldn't give me any answers besides needing space and how she's not sure about us anymore. I felt completely useless in the situation so eventually left her in her car and walked down to street where I was parked, got in and just balled my eyes out. The first time I've cried since early high school.

 

By Thursday mutual friends pushed her to talk to me. We met around midnight, she had already taken Zzzquill to help her sleep and she was out of it more than I had realized. I expressed myself and she she still thought we needed to have space from each other. I confessed I'd feel better about this with a "break" instead of a break up. She agreed. I left her at home, hugged for a while and kissed her goodnight. I also finally got the words out: "I love you." Sad, pitiful, I know. 3.5 years it took me to get it out (I had always thought it just never said it; I thought my actions would suffice over words anyway) and in this horrible situation. We watched each other as I walked away for the night.

 

The following day, Friday, I get a text from her while at work again. "Can we talk tonight? I just want to make sure we're clear." OK. I pick her up and take her to a park down the block from her home, again around midnight. She confessed she was out of it and remembered something about a "break" the night before. So she wanted to make it clear that she thought we should still be broken up for now. She also said she doesn't like how I don't have a lot of friends (just a few close ones), how I didn't try to be there for her emotionally recently (especially the past Sunday), how I don't like going out and meeting people with her, how she's been unhappy, how she's been thinking about this for a while, how she needs to learn how to rely on herself and not me all the time etc. Sorry to say I lost it in the end after I again tried reasoning with her. I yelled at her, called her nasty names and sped off leaving her at the park.... I immediately felt like a jack*** and a horrible human being driving away. I turned around a few blocks down and went back looking for her. I called her. Nothing. Went to the park and couldn't find her so I went back to her house. Called again. She picked up and said she didn't want to talk. My phone died and that was the end of that night.

 

Over this last weekend I decided to give her the space she wanted. But I felt so bad for getting angry and leaving her at the park, and finally looking back at our relationship recently and realizing that she may be right to be breaking up with me that, again around midnight Saturday, I spontaneously decided to apologize the best I could. I bought her two boutiques of flowers, chocolate, her favorite drinks, and a stuffed animal and went to her house. She wasn't there, still out with coworkers for a day of wine tasting in Napa Valley, a plan I knew about weeks in advance. I called her not expecting her to pick up. Two rings into it she picks up: "Hello?" "Who is this?" "Oh.." "I'm taking care of my drunk coworkers" "Ok.. I'll be home in a while."

 

This was the time I let everything out with maturity. I apologized for not being there emotionally for her while she felt depressed recently and for the past few months in general. I apologized for calling her names and being an a**hole the other night. For focusing on things that shouldn't matter like my car. For being immature and selfish, not considering her reasons to be legitimate. How stupid I've been for not seeing problems and not looking at our relationship myself. How don't want to love in her room anymore regardless because it's unnecessary and stressful on both of us really. She admitted she was basically over us by this day (until I did what I did that is) and that she only picked up the phone call because her contacts got erased or something. She didn't believe I could realize this stuff on my own, she thought we were over. She told me to give her a day to think but to respect her decision good or bad. I reluctantly agreed.

 

By this point I was seriously feeling the pain of losing her, running all of these horrible scenarios out in my head the entire day Sunday. I just drove around for 6-7 hours thinking about it while she was with her friends all day. I also went out and bought her Animal Crossing (she's wanted it for weeks) and some flowers and left them in her room in the middle of the day while she was gone. Come 10:30 I still hadn't gotten anything from her. I freaked, wondered why she wasn't contacting me. I went to her place around 11, she wasn't there. Drove around to clear my head, went to her friends place a half hour later: "She left a couple hours ago." I called, texted, etc.. Probably too much. I went back to her house around 12:30 and she was there sleeping. She texted me the following morning while she was at work telling me how much she's glad that I want to improve our relationship and improve myself along with the other things I realized lately. She said she appreciated the gifts I was giving her and that she can tell I'm trying very hard for her, but that giving her these gifts may not be genuine improvement just me being backed into a corner. She said she wasn't trying to ignore me the previous night but she was out with her girlfriend (I'm assuming to talk about everything since Saturday night in private) from around "9-11 something". She still believes we should stay apart so she can focus on being happy again and improving herself along with giving me time to genuinely improve myself as well. She admits she needs to learn how to better communicate and that it's unfair to me that I have to deal with her seemingly unnecessary bad moods. She also said we should not contact each other for a while. She says we need this and that it'll be a good thing for us. That we'll be stronger.

 

What's been going on with me since the break up: Other than feeling utterly miserable and useless (can't eat or sleep), I'm living on my brothers couch, I'm probably going to fail my classes from a severe lack of concentration, and I just got laid off yesterday (I contacted her about it, she tried reassuring me everything will be fine because she knows how responsible I am but insisted we not communicate for a while after I pushed it...). It's been rough. After lurking around here I found the No Contact guide. I also found the GIGS philosophy. I'm still hurting and confused right now. It's only been a week and two days since the break up. I decided to take the NC route; started it yesterday after I texted her about my lay off to try and get myself out of depression. I felt better today, joined a gym and went to a staffing agency for a new job, I plan on renting out a room soon. But I went somewhere that reminded me of her and then felt crushed again earlier.

 

What she said she's going to be doing since the break up: Going to therapy for her depression, looking for another job (she admitted she had already turned down job offers due to the depression), doing the things that used to make her happy (like hanging out with friends I assume, maybe anime and video games), and working on her self reliance. She told me she has no interest in partying and dating or anything, just that she wants to work on bettering herself.

 

--

 

Given the information, how far should I take the NC route? So far I haven't contacted her for anything and I have unfollowed her on Instagram (she posted a foodie pic of her fish tacos with friends and I couldn't even take that much, it hit me hard even though it was nothing to feel bad about). I don't plan on contacting her at all until she contacts me like it goes. Am I doing the right thing in this situation?

 

Why does she want the NC route as well, even before I did? I haven't read that here before.

 

I still have most of my belongings in her room, I have her house key and car key, I have some things that remind me of her. She hasn't asked for anything back or told me to never go to her house to get things, just that we shouldn't see each other presently. I've actually just routinely gone back to get one thing or the other whiles she's gone. Her parents don't mind and she still has the flowers I gave her (now in a vase). I'm thinking about going to her house this weekend while she's gone and taking all of my things out, giving the keys back along with the iPod touch she gave me for our valentines day this year; the back is engraved "I want to grow old and disgusting with you." Our relationship in a nutshell right there, so it's hard to see. But I don't know if it's a good thing to do. The NC guide seems to make things clear until you're about to do them. What if she really is only trying to make herself happy so that we can continue dating as a stronger couple? Would her coming back to an emptier room and my keys/iPod be the right way to go?

 

I still feel her to be the best thing to happen to me in my life. I'm regretting getting too comfortable with her and neglecting her, getting too content on living in her small room for so long when I should have moved out a while ago, and our bad communication as a couple. I didn't have such a fulfilling and healthy childhood/teenage life. People around me died, I became very poor, drug addict parent/other one gone, etc. I was depressed and unmotivated for a very long time until I got together with this woman and I love her very much. She says she can't see herself with anyone else and that she still cares about me, the typical stuff really. But I really have no idea what she's thinking at this point nor if there's even a possibility she'll want to be with me again. It drives me insane every time I think about it, I feel I'll never be able to have a happy future without her by my side. I know this right here is what the NC rules are for but I'm so confused and worried.

[SuperGeek]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're definitely having a rough patch.

 

My advice: Send a friend to get your stuff out of her room. Then go completely NC. She broke up with you and there isn't really a lot you can do to change her mind. If the stuff you have there isn't anything you really care about, just leave it.

 

Definitely go NC for awhile. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of there being another guy in the picture. Not saying she's cheating but think that she might want to date someone else. Who knows.

 

You said she got a bill in the mail for $600 ? I assume she's in a lot of school loan debt?

 

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. NC is an absolute must, or you might suffer more pain...

 

SuperGeek

[krz]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're definitely having a rough patch.

 

My advice: Send a friend to get your stuff out of her room. Then go completely NC. She broke up with you and there isn't really a lot you can do to change her mind. If the stuff you have there isn't anything you really care about, just leave it.

 

Definitely go NC for awhile. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of there being another guy in the picture. Not saying she's cheating but think that she might want to date someone else. Who knows.

 

You said she got a bill in the mail for $600 ? I assume she's in a lot of school loan debt?

 

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. NC is an absolute must, or you might suffer more pain...

 

SuperGeek

 

Yeah she's in a pretty high amount of loan debt, over $50,000.

 

The stuff I have there is basically all of the things I own. I don't have a whole lot, it's mostly clothes/dresser and tools/car care stuff along with a PS3/games. It'd definitely be enough to be noticeable though. I had planned on just doing it without telling her at all. Would this be something I should get a friend to tell her before I do it?

[SuperGeek]

Well, that sounds like too much stuff just to send a friend. Unfortunately I think you might have to go get it yourself. Find the best way to get your stuff and keep the contact light and minimal. If you can get your stuff and avoid seeing her take that path, but only if you know it won't erupt in drama (i.e. she thinks you stole her stuff etc). Yeah maybe let your shared friend know you'll be coming over to get your stuff and just do it and get it done.

 

I know it sucks man. She sounds extremely confused, but honestly that's not your concern at this point. Instead of confiding in you, she's running out the door, so wish her luck and let her go. There is nothing you can do about her decision. She sounds completely checked out at this point.

 

Get your stuff ASAP and don't let it drag out. Make sure you literally get ALL of it that day. After you leave that house, it's a new chapter in your life. Do it immediately and then implement NC. You will feel like crap for awhile, expect that. Prepare yourself for the possibility of another guy showing up in her life all of a sudden... this is typically how it goes. This is why NC is the best approach, you can dampen the impact by not being around her when she moves on.

 

What degree costs $50,000 in debt? I don't understand Americans and their willingness to indebt themselves that much. It will take her YEARS to pay that off... probably 10 years at least.

 

Yeah she's in a pretty high amount of loan debt, over $50,000.

 

The stuff I have there is basically all of the things I own. I don't have a whole lot, it's mostly clothes/dresser and tools/car care stuff along with a PS3/games. It'd definitely be enough to be noticeable though. I had planned on just doing it without telling her at all. Would this be something I should get a friend to tell her before I do it?

Edited July 4, 2013 by SuperGeek

[krz]

Does anybody have any insight on my thoughts about this, or even know if it's a remotely good idea:

 

I know she feels like I have rejected her in some sense because of my lack of affection. She basically said this as well when we talked in person last weekend. It got to the point where she actually started questioning everything about herself assuming I didn't like it, mostly physical I believe. She would even ask me if I thought sex with her was good for me many times after finishing, completely doubting her attractiveness and my attraction towards her.

 

This whole thing has led me to feeling really bad and wanting to make her feel better about herself along with proving to her that I do still find her attractive, more than I used to even. I started giving her gifts and she said she wasn't sure if they were genuine or not.

 

Basically is there any point down the line or even right now that would let her know I'm still crazy about her and find her insanely attractive while still maintaining no direct contact?? Like edible arrangement type delivery deal or something. I don't know...

[krz]

Well, that sounds like too much stuff just to send a friend. Unfortunately I think you might have to go get it yourself. Find the best way to get your stuff and keep the contact light and minimal. If you can get your stuff and avoid seeing her take that path, but only if you know it won't erupt in drama (i.e. she thinks you stole her stuff etc). Yeah maybe let your shared friend know you'll be coming over to get your stuff and just do it and get it done.

 

I know it sucks man. She sounds extremely confused, but honestly that's not your concern at this point. Instead of confiding in you, she's running out the door, so wish her luck and let her go. There is nothing you can do about her decision. She sounds completely checked out at this point.

 

Get your stuff ASAP and don't let it drag out. Make sure you literally get ALL of it that day. After you leave that house, it's a new chapter in your life. Do it immediately and then implement NC. You will feel like crap for awhile, expect that. Prepare yourself for the possibility of another guy showing up in her life all of a sudden... this is typically how it goes. This is why NC is the best approach, you can dampen the impact by not being around her when she moves on.

 

What degree costs $50,000 in debt? I don't understand Americans and their willingness to indebt themselves that much. It will take her YEARS to pay that off... probably 10 years at least.

 

You're probably right. But then again it's only been a bit over a week since break up. In some ways I feel I have a lead on most others in this situation since, from what I've been reading on here, people don't really implement NC until after months of being broken up and they're dying inside. Then again she sort of implemented it before I even did. It's all so confusing. It's almost like reverse psychology or something that she's pulling on me over the lack of affection and attention. I'm losing her and I'm obviously trying to fix it, buying her gifts, telling her I love her finally, etc. Then in turn I do NC on her, then what? We both expect the other to reach out first. And she's stubborn as hell. If she has this thought in her mind and I didn't contact her obviously it was true that I didn't find her attractive or worth my time anymore. God I just realized this one.

 

I suppose I'll just get it done this weekend, she probably won't be home all day like she's been doing ever since we broke up. I'll probably give back the iPod she gave me as well along with the keys I have.

 

haha I know, but a graphic design degree from a private school is what does that. She has said the same thing, 10 years at least.

Edited July 4, 2013 by krz

[SuperGeek]

You're probably right. But then again it's only been a bit over a week since break up. In some ways I feel I have a lead on most others in this situation since, from what I've been reading on here, people don't really implement NC until after months of being broken up and they're dying inside. Then again she sort of implemented it before I even did. It's all so confusing. It's almost like reverse psychology or something that she's pulling on me over the lack of affection and attention. I'm losing her and I'm obviously trying to fix it, buying her gifts, telling her I love her finally, etc. Then in turn I do NC on her, then what? We both expect the other to reach out first. And she's stubborn as hell. If she has this thought in her mind and I didn't contact her obviously it was true that I didn't find her attractive or worth my time anymore. God I just realized this one.

 

Women have a tendency to go through the break-up and checking out phase (at least mentally) before they even break it off with their boyfriends. She's likely already checked out and trying to convince her at this point to stay and work things out with you is going to be hard. I encourage you to sit with her I guess and ask her to explain her feelings and see if there is any kind of resolution to the break up. Maybe you need to do that just so you know that you gave it your best shot in the end. I tried it with my ex-wife before she walked out the door and I was too late. She was already checked out and had already mentally moved on from me before she laid the hammer down.

 

I put in NC about 30 days after my ex dropped the news on me. It was clear after her cold vibe towards me that I was done. Nothing I could have said would have convinced her at that time. A year and half later (full NC by me) she did try and come back to me and realized that I wasn't really that bad after all. I did treat her pretty good (wasn't perfect). She got completely lied to by some guy she found on plenty of fish and then he bailed after 8 months. He totally used her for sex and just basically BS'ed his way through the whole relationship. She probably knew it all along as she didn't seem that broken up about it. After that though I couldn't go back to her. She also gained 35 kg of weight and that made it difficult for me to have the same attraction to her again. The trust was gone and she had already been with other guy(s). I just can't go back after that. She'd never respect me for going back anyway. I'm sure she's doing good now. I'd be surprised if she wasn't married at this point. Most women have floods of dudes hitting on them, so I'm sure she's doing much better than me at this point.

 

 

 

I suppose I'll just get it done this weekend, she probably won't be home all day like she's been doing ever since we broke up. I'll probably give back the iPod she gave me as well along with the keys I have.

 

Yikes. Brace yourself for possibly seeing another guy in the picture. Also I think the drinking age in the USA is 21. So she might have just decided to hit the bar scene for awhile. I'd recommend that you not date for awhile and when you do decide again to date (if you don't get back with your current one), make sure they are bit older than 21. Women just turning 21 likely are confused and don't know what they want. Your GF just graduated college, she's facing 50k of debt, and her whole life has changed basically...not much stability there.

 

haha I know, but a graphic design degree from a private school is what does that. She has said the same thing, 10 years at least.

 

The best graphics designers I've met in my life (hollywood artists) usually don't even have degrees. Hope she has a plan to pay all that back. Any guy that dates her is going to have to deal with all that debt.

 

My comments should not really be followed as advice. I'm nearing my mid-30s, single with no family. So not sure if my advice is worth much.

Edited July 4, 2013 by SuperGeek

[krz]

Women have a tendency to go through the break-up and checking out phase (at least mentally) before they even break it off with their boyfriends. She's likely already checked out and trying to convince her at this point to stay and work things out with you is going to be hard. I encourage you to sit with her I guess and ask her to explain her feelings and see if there is any kind of resolution to the break up. Maybe you need to do that just so you know that you gave it your best shot in the end.

 

How would I do this though when she doesn't want any contact between us at this time?

 

Isn't there any possibility of the whole GIGS here?

[krz]

Man this stuff sucks.

 

Now it's possibly try to get it out of her or keep on NC and maybe she'll come back.

[krz]

I'm sticking with NC. It's the best way I think.

[SuperGeek]

All you can do is ask her for an explanation. If she doesn't give you one, then you have your answer. If she isn't telling you what it is on her own, then that itself is your answer. She's moved on unfortunately. She's already broke up with you, so not sure if you want to even try anything.

 

Yeah GIGS is exactly what this sounds like to me...

 

Find a way to get your stuff and stay away from her is my best advice.

 

How would I do this though when she doesn't want any contact between us at this time?

 

Isn't there any possibility of the whole GIGS here?