Can't seem to make any real friends... What's wrong with me??

[Aingealag]

Hey guys, I've got a bit of a social problem, maybe you can help me out. Well, my social life sucks, basically always has (I'm 23) and I don't really know what's causing it. I used to be a loner, and very introverted, but I haven't been for a while now, and somehow I can't seem to make friends. I'm outgoing and cheery, I think, but no one seems interested in having anything more than chit chat with me. Even when I ask people to come over sometime, or go get a drink sometimes, the reaction is basically always cold. They may say yes, but I never get called. I hate that, and it has made me real scared to keep trying, having been rejected so often. p.s. I'm not into the party scene, that could be a factor.

 

 

I'm not boring and ugly, I get plenty of attention from guys, and whenever I confide in someone about my problems, they seem genuinely surprised. But that doesn't help me get any friends and fill my living room on the weekends or on birthdays! I don't look forward to weekends, because I have very little "friends" to fill it with, and I get very sad from watching other people having fun with friends.

 

 

Does anyone know what this is like or does anyone know what seems to be wrong with me?

[bicyclejunk]

Not sure if this is like You.

 

But I Once had a girlfriend kinda like you. She was shy and Introverted yet,

She wanted to hang out and have a good time with friends. But her problem,

was that she was ALWAYS talking about her faults and her problems that, it

would turn the few friends she had, Off.

 

She was constantly talking about the fact that She had NO friends and she had NO

life and that she was a nerd and that kinda talk would turn off her friends. "Oh Sherrie

is constantly complaining about how she sucks and has no life, it's kind of a Drag inviting

her places".

 

If you're outgoing and Cheery and you DO get attention from guys, I really don't know what

the problem would be other than the CONTENT of your conversations with people. What do you

say? What do you talk about? Do you talk Negatively about yourself all the time???

[Aingealag]

Hmm, I don't think I do talk bad about myself. I did that for a short while but realized that that wasn't getting me anywhere. I guess it's tough telling me the problem when ya can't observe me in person. Maybe the content of my conversation are boring or something. But maybe people can tell that I feel crappy when I see someone having fun with their friends. I dunno. But your friend's situation DOES sound familiar. Anyway, thanks for responding! Everything helps!

[Jon987987]

I feel the same way, I moved to this new city about a year ago and cant seem to make any good friends. It seems everyone is busy with there own lives and Im left alone on my weekends. I try not to get to sad, but its hard. The only thing I can think of, is my lack of converstaion cause ive been out of the social loop for so long im boring. Oh well, maybe oneday I will find someone to be with me so I dont have to be alone anymore. I had a friend for a few weeks, but she ran away cause I made her feel unconforable. sucks to be me. oh well, I wish the best of luck to you, and I hope you make TONS of friends cause you sound like a really nice person.

[Tuesday]

Hey,

 

You know what, I feel the same as you. Its strange, i never ever have any problem chatting to guys, it just seems so much easier. But, like you, I just can't seem to click with women. I have a few friends I have collected over the years - like, 3 or 4. But they all have thier own lives and I seem to get forgotten. I just started college and all these groups of girls are already hanging out and know eachother really well. I manage to have hooked myself up with a weird guy just for fear of being alone.

 

Its so hard, and like this total social taboo. I have a boyfriend and even find myself making up friends and pretending to go see them and just driving round in my car cos its so embarrassing to admit i don't have anyone.

 

Anyway, I obviously can't give any advice cos if i knew what to do I'd be doing it too! Just thought it might make you feel better not to be alone in this. And just a thought, but perhaps society puts too much pressure on women to roam in packs and be popular? It actually goes against our instinct for intimacy and meaningful caring friendship. Maybe there are many more girls like us out there, but we don't notice them behind the loud groups of chicks trying to advertise their popularity all the time. Hey, who seems insecure now????!

 

Take Care Honey x:)

[luvtoto]

I was once told that you have to be a friend to have a friend. I live by that advice every single day! When I get to feeling down about my social situation, I sit back and ask myself...well, how much effort am I putting into the friendships that I do have? I used to have the idea what can this new friend do for me? Now, I ask myself...what can I do for them! I, also, hang out here on LS if I want to vent about stuff...so, I don't have to unload any co-workers or new friends with any of my baggage. The people out here on LS are great support & it's their decision to help!!

[wildchild]

hey i'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

[JayKay]

There's a real art to making and keeping friends. Some people have a lot of 'social' intelligence and are really good at it.

Other folks may have a more of an 'intellectual' or 'mechanical' type of intelligence and suffer in the social arena.

 

One pitfall many people fall into when they try to become more social is trying too hard

For example, I knew one guy who tried awfully hard to make people like him and it made them uncomfortable. He would do inappropriate things, like buy gifts for people he barely knew.

Do you think you may be pushing too hard or too fast with some of the folks you'd like to be friends with?

 

Another pitfall is talking too much about yourself. I knew a girl in college who ranted on and on about her ex boyfriend to the point everyone was so sick of hearing about it they avoided her. She also never asked anyone about their own lives, it was all about her. So be aware if you're doing that.

 

Finally, something I used to do was never take the initiative. Like you, I seemed to meet lots of people but had a hard time retaining them. I finally learned after many years not to wait for invites. Start inviting people over for lunch, a crafts demonstration, to go shopping, to go to the movies. Lots of people like to do 'group' things.

I used to always wait for the phone to ring. Don't make that mistake!

Be the initiator.

 

And try to meet as many new people as you can. Expand your social circle. Become a volunteer or take up a class in something that interests you.

 

Also, keep in your mind your definition of 'friend' may differ from others. Some people who have a lot of 'friends' in fact have a lot of 'acquaintances'

[curious_gurl]

I moved to this new city about 4 years ago and it was really hard to make new friends, luckily I met my bf and my world revolved around him for the next couple years which meant that I didn't have to worry about having friends bcoz I had him. Unfortunately he went off to college, we eventually broke up and I am left without any friends except for my best friend that i met the same time as my bf who seems to be the opposite of me..im outgoing, like to go clubbin' and partyin and trying new things and she's not...so that creates a problem. Most of the time i dont go clubbin and partyin' because I dont have anyone 2 go with. My best friend and i dont hang out as much bcoz we like to do different things but she's there for me whenever i need her.

 

Right now, I'm in college which is supposed to be where you meet new people and have friends. However, I work full time and go to school full time and leaves little room for socializing and the fact that I dont live on campus. I know people that I am acquainted with. I have a few friends here and there but like u guys said, they seemed to have their lives to live. So I am left by myself most of the time. I have a lot of guy friends but sometimes I just want to hang out with a bunch of girls which is a real problem for me because I dont have that many female friends ever since I moved here. I have many female friends in other states to talk to on the phone, chat and email, but sometimes it would be nice to know that a circle of friends nearby who gets along really well are there whenever u need them.

[konfuzd]

I too am in this same situation. I moved to this new city about a year and a half ago. Yesterday was my 25th BDay, and I spent it alone. I have met a lot of people since I've moved here, but they all seem to be temporary friends. They stick around and seem to have all the time in the world at the beginning, then without warning, the phone calls stop, and when I try to make plans with them, they are 'too busy'. It's rough.

 

I've followed all the advice I've recieved to no avail. I've volunteered, taken classes etc... all with the same results, I now have "friends" who call me once every few months or so when they reach their point of utmost boredom, and it only makes me feel bad about myself. When it comes to the big events though, bdays, new year's etc... I am forced to see the reality that none of these people are real friends. I could never go out knowing that someone I knew was sitting at home wishing they had someone to be with.

 

I'm not boring and ugly, I get plenty of attention from guys, and whenever I confide in someone about my problems, they seem genuinely surprised

Isn't that frustrating? I get the same thing all the time, people constantly tell me they enjoy my company and like being around me, but then things inevitably fail.

 

I wish I could offer you advice, but there is a certain morbid comfort in knowing others are as miserable as you, all I can say is good luck!

[JayKay]

I think a lot of people suffer from loneliness in this society.

 

This isn't a culture that values close, deep attachments. Rather, a lot of people focus on the exterior (looks, money) as well as 'getting ahead' or 'fitting in' to whatever social group they are part of.

 

I see a lot of patients in my office who are taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. It really makes me wonder why we are such an anxious and depressed society.

 

It's also depressing to watch TV sitcoms where everyone lives in a fabulous apartment or house with loads of fabulous, funny friends who just drop in at a moment's notice.

It's not reality...but it still feels lousy to look at the sitcom lives and compare them to your own when it doesn't measure up.

[JUSTME3]

I am very blessed in that I have always had many friends. I believe this is because of several factors...I have many interests that help me have a common ground with people, I ask them about their life and things that are going on and listen to what they have to say and I compliment people on things I like about them.

 

That said I would recommend the following: Persue your passions such as hiking, wine tasting, photography whatever it is that rocks your world the more things you learn about the more things you have to talk about. Ask a person about their life where they are from what they do relationship status (women especially we love to talk about men). The next time you meet somone and you want to be friends or you are becoming friends compliment them on something...hair, clothes, humor etc.

 

People want to be around people they feel they share things with emotionally or interest wise that make them feel good. Make someone feel good about themselves and they will love being around you.

[RJD]

I read the posts here and I think I am slightly older than the average here (38). But as time goes on and friends and neighbors move on with their lives and you spend a good chunk of the week working, it gets even more difficult meeting and keeping friends. The few people I interact with in the small companies I have worked in already have friends and significant others. They do not seem all that open to being a true friend. Furthermore, when you do connect with someone on a more personal level, it can make working with them that much harder.

 

After a bad break up years ago with my girlfriend at work, I swore I would never date anyone I work with again. Unfortunately these are the only real people I meet regularly with. I joined a club or two but most people there are married or just strange. Ironically the people who show any interest in me social have wierd or annoying habits themselves (maybe I am the same??). I try to listen to people as they talk to me. I try to ask questions like How was your vacation? or How was the holiday? Personally I dont really care about the answer but I use that to get information I can use later to initiate a conversation.

 

Should I try more? Absoulutely. But I guess I meet the wrong people because the few I do connect with just like to dump their problems onto me.

And for dating? Forget about it. I am at a total loss how to approach a self-sufficient woman anymore. I don't even try anymore. I just keep working on my career and paying the bills and maintaining my good credit. I guess at this point I am just waiting for lightning to strike. Knowing my luck it will probably hit me and kill me.

 

I feel your pain.

 

RJD

[JayKay]

RJ

 

I am the same age as you. When I moved out of state I found it challenging to make female friends in my age group. Many were married with young children and way to busy to get together on a regular basis.

 

I always had 'work friends' and thank goodness for them! They provide me with lots of companionship during the week. We can have lunch together and just talk in between work projects. We can vent about pain in the butt clients....LOL!!! So there's that bond there.

 

But it would be nice to have a close friend to confide in who lives nearby. Someone I could just drop in on if I wanted to.

My best friend lives 7 hours away and we only get together maybe twice a year.

 

I found too that a couple of people in this area who wanted 'more' from me than a work friendship were EXTREMELY odd.

 

There is this one woman I am now trying to spend less time talking to; she babbles on and on about herself and NEVER asks me about myself. She obsesses over men to the point it's sickening. It's like, if you had one date and he's not interested...stop talking about him months down the road!

 

Sometimes I take her calls when I'm feeling like I need to talk to someone. But after about 15 minutes I think, "Ugh..I"m better off just reading a book!"

[Ferry]

I hope no one minds my pushing in, I'm new here!

 

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. I'm in my thirties and moved to a new city two years ago. Since then, I only made one close friend and, since she moved away, most of my free time is spent alone. I've managed to make friends at work but after work most of them disappear, preferring to spend their spare time with their families and/or partners. They don't have the time/inclination to invest the time or emotional energy necessary to develop friendships. I also meet people through different interests but, again, after class, gym, whatever most of those people disappear back to their families.

 

Don't misunderstand me, I don't blame them - I'd probably be the same way if I was in a relationship though unfortunately, I don't see that happening - if you think it is hard to make friends in your thirties, try to find a romantic relationship - and I'm trying to resign myself to the fact I will probably spend the rest of my life alone. I want to be peaceful with it but it's not always easy.

 

Anyway, sorry if this came across as self pitying! I didn't mean to make it all about me - I just wanted you to know that you're not alone!

 

All the best

 

Ferry

[Bloom]

Reading your posts makes me realize that I'm not the only one. I don't seem to have a hard time making friends but keeping them is another story. It seems some serious life change or emergency ends the friendship. Even after several years of friendship! The only thing I can figure is that I do have a tendency to give too much advice or say what I would do and I'm sure this comes across and "you should do this or that." I think when my friends are happy and secure then it just rolls off and it's not that important because I do try hard to be a good friend in every way. In a crisis I guess they are extra sensitive to even the littlest things. I think this is partly stress and partly because I can be clueless about what might hurt their feelings at that time. And sometimes, it would be impossible to be friends for a while but it hurts that they are the ones to decide that.

 

For example, my friend and her husband got into drugs and I tried so hard not to be judgemental and I did a lot of listening to crazy justifications. Finally I started pulling back because I don't need to around someone in that situation with a young family. But in the end, I couldn't help saying something when they talked about selling everything and moving to another city. I asked her to consider her children and that she just wasn't making sense. Anyhow, someone, (not I) reported her at her work and she got tested and passed. She thought I did it and sent me a letter terminating our friendship and threatening me with legal action if I even drove by her house! This was a friend of nine years!

 

Another friend, her baby is in the hopsital right now with pneumonia from RSV. Baby was premature. My friend wanted me to watch her in home day care kids while she stayed in the hospital. At first I said yes, then later rethought it because I am pregnant and my son is only 2. I read up on the risks to children under 5 and I backed out because I didn't want to bring illness home from the other kids (who's parents bring them sick or not). She told me I've left her in a lurch and now she has to go home to do day care instead of being with her baby because of me. I expressed surprise that she would do that and she got really defensive about me judging her. You see we both have differences of opinions in working vs. staying home. Accumilating money is very important to her and I could care less as long as the bills are paid. In our conversation I couldn't help but say that staying with her child was more important than money and that her day care parents should understand (I know she's afraid they'll go somewhere else). Anyhow, she just left me a message saying she doesn't want to be friends right now and she's not sure if she will change her mind since I wasn't there for her when she needed me and I "shredded" her with my comments. I kinda feel she is putting her business before her child and our friendship. But I still should have kept my mouth shut.

 

It just always happens like this. It's sad and I'm probably to blame but having long term friendships is just really hard. So now I'm thinking it would be best to keep aquaintances casual. Maybe that's why so many people are "too busy." They just want to keep things simple. hmmm

[Milo]

It sounds like you need some friendships that are not based upon serious commitments involving things you can't always afford. Friends with whom you just do small things can be wonderful as well. And, at times, they can become much closer.

[Raiatea]

Having moved to Florida from England and knowing only my boyfriend in this country, I know how lonely it can be.

 

But at least you are not like me and have a crazy-person-magnet somewhere on you. The longest conversation I have had with another person in 3 months was with a very strange man in pyjamas, in a supermarket, who asked me if I had opened my heart to satan. (I hadn't and don't intend to, in case anyone was wondering).

 

Where are all the normal people??

[Guest]

Reading your posts makes me realize that I'm not the only one. I don't seem to have a hard time making friends but keeping them is another story. It seems some serious life change or emergency ends the friendship. Even after several years of friendship! The only thing I can figure is that I do have a tendency to give too much advice or say what I would do and I'm sure this comes across and "you should do this or that." I think when my friends are happy and secure then it just rolls off and it's not that important because I do try hard to be a good friend in every way. In a crisis I guess they are extra sensitive to even the littlest things. I think this is partly stress and partly because I can be clueless about what might hurt their feelings at that time. And sometimes, it would be impossible to be friends for a while but it hurts that they are the ones to decide that.

 

For example, my friend and her husband got into drugs and I tried so hard not to be judgemental and I did a lot of listening to crazy justifications. Finally I started pulling back because I don't need to around someone in that situation with a young family. But in the end, I couldn't help saying something when they talked about selling everything and moving to another city. I asked her to consider her children and that she just wasn't making sense. Anyhow, someone, (not I) reported her at her work and she got tested and passed. She thought I did it and sent me a letter terminating our friendship and threatening me with legal action if I even drove by her house! This was a friend of nine years!

 

Another friend, her baby is in the hopsital right now with pneumonia from RSV. Baby was premature. My friend wanted me to watch her in home day care kids while she stayed in the hospital. At first I said yes, then later rethought it because I am pregnant and my son is only 2. I read up on the risks to children under 5 and I backed out because I didn't want to bring illness home from the other kids (who's parents bring them sick or not). She told me I've left her in a lurch and now she has to go home to do day care instead of being with her baby because of me. I expressed surprise that she would do that and she got really defensive about me judging her. You see we both have differences of opinions in working vs. staying home. Accumilating money is very important to her and I could care less as long as the bills are paid. In our conversation I couldn't help but say that staying with her child was more important than money and that her day care parents should understand (I know she's afraid they'll go somewhere else). Anyhow, she just left me a message saying she doesn't want to be friends right now and she's not sure if she will change her mind since I wasn't there for her when she needed me and I "shredded" her with my comments. I kinda feel she is putting her business before her child and our friendship. But I still should have kept my mouth shut.

 

It just always happens like this. It's sad and I'm probably to blame but having long term friendships is just really hard. So now I'm thinking it would be best to keep aquaintances casual. Maybe that's why so many people are "too busy." They just want to keep things simple. hmmm

 

 

Hey There,

 

I have two good friends i guess in all honesty for 12 or 13 years now. They are pretty good people you can open up to. Unfortunatley people you think are your friends, simply dont turn out that way for some reason, particularly when their is no respect on their behalf. I just got jipped by my cousin 'a friend' who bummed at my place for free rent for few months before i finally had to say enough is enough. I felt sorry for him as he broke up with his gf and apparantley she left him with bills. Anyway its over now and i was a fool for not accepting rent. The point is if you try to do something nice for some people they can still turn on you and make you the worst person in the world.

My tip is for a lot of people (myself included) who are lonely and feel washed up (im in mid 30s,single,never married and not gay,paranoid and depressed at times) is to basically not worry about it.

Personally i dont think you never have the same friends as when you are a child as those friendships are innocent and very real. Unfortunatley as adults my gut feeling is some people have intentions for friendships and even relationships. Whether that be monetary, or basic sucking up networking, it is still making a friend with intent.

If your time is free, you are best to use to your advantage as opposed to moping around being depressed.

For example, learn a new qualification to make more cash.

That makes me happy anyway.

Im at the stage where i dont care anymore and if i make enough cash i can buy hookers and stuff, and chat anyway.

Just like bobby mcferen said "dont worry, be happy".

[Shark Skin]

Well, first of all, there is nothing wrong with you. Friends are nice to have, but life does not depend on them. I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like your real happy with yourself. All I can suggest is start doing things you enjoy, whatever that is is. Try looking in your local "Things going on" section. Anyway, I'm always here if you want to talk.