What are your thoughts on mismatched fat/fit couples?

[Ophelia11]

I'm interested in what people think when they see mismatched couples. For example, if you saw a woman who was fit as in training for a figure competition with a guy who was 400ish pounds and clearly obese.

 

I ask because I'm that girl pretty much in love with that guy. For the past year since we've started seeing each other, we have done very little in public together. But recently we've done a few things in public, and I sense a feeling of being noticed by people. Even stared at.

 

I am pretty sure I love this guy and his weight is a nonissue for me. However, I feel like my training and fitness make him uncomfortable and may be more of an issue for him than I have been able to admit.

 

So, curious how people think/perceive couples like this or how you would feel if you were obese and being pursued my fitness junkie.

[TaraMaiden]

What other people think or opine, is of no concern of yours. People will always be judgemental, critical and frankly, butt their noses in for good measure, simply because they believe their opinions matter.

 

They don't.

 

What matters is that you communicate effectively with your guy and find out exactly how HE feels about the situation, how YOU feel about his feelings, and what you, as a couple, have the ability to do in engaging with those feelings, and what you can do about it - if indeed, you conclude that anything needs doing at all.

[Emilia]

I feel like my training and fitness make him uncomfortable and may be more of an issue for him than I have been able to admit.

If another person is uncomfortable with who you are, their issue will keep resurfacing. If he isn't assertive enough to do anything about it but just passively broods or whatever I think you will likely face problems in the future.

[USMCHokie]

I don't think these pairs tend to work, and it has nothing to do with external judgment.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I've actually have met several women who were in good physical shape as well as being attractive yet were with not-so-attractive, very hairy, large, considerably overweight men...basically didn't meet the "status quo" in any way...however I also noticed these women did tend to have low self-esteem and have issues with their own body/appearance and viewed themselves in a very negative/unattractive light, quite contrary to what they actually looked like or would appear to men...so for these women it was a reflection of how they felt about themselves on the inside, they likely felt intimidated by attractive men or not good enough. Therefore I got the sense and feeling there was some sense of security being with these men, maybe these men were good providers/husbands/fathers as well.

 

Without the psycho-analysis part of it, I think as a compatibility factor that in time it can become a problem in the relationship. Somebody is going to gain the leverage and influence how the other eats...and usually it's the person who eats worse that has the larger influence as it's of course easier to eat bad than good.

 

I think it's definitely going to bother someone or have an impact on the person who does not eat well and likely not very happy or satisfied with their bodies, seeing how one person is in shape or taking care of themselves while you of course...do not, or cannot...however I've seen the dynamic kind of - sort of work, where as one person stays thin and the other stays overweight...must be hard to make dinner at times...but people with weight issues also typically like to snack on sweets/junk and carbs so that can be done solo.

 

When I see/meet an attractive woman who's with a considerably out of shape guy I usually think to myself what most people probably think "what is she doing with him, she's too attractive for him"...it's a snap-judgment, I know there are other reasons why, I think many people assume maybe they met at a different body type and weight, like he gained weight in the relationship, or if it's a her maybe she got pregnant and let herself go (depends) sometimes they might even think she is pregnant...it really depends on the size difference, but it's bound to get some looks and some snap-judgments in whatever it may be...personally I only notice if the woman is quite attractive to me, otherwise I don't even notice or pay that close attention to people in general and I definitely don't stare indiscriminately like If nobody can see me, that's ridiculous how people do that shet.

 

I think it's bound to make him uncomfortable on the relationship front, even if for now...you are ok with it, the influence and discrimination from others may be overbearing or a nuisance, especially with family/friends who might be a bit more forward and vocal about it their opinion rather than just strangers.

 

Therefore I think in time this might become more of an "issue" even if you don't want it to be, it's just one of those things...people criticize over looks, weight, religion, race, etc all the time.

 

And if you date out of the "norm" in your social circle/group or what your family may "approve of" or is to their standards/perception of you and who you should date, you're bound to get some negative feedback, I deal with that well personally because I'm very independent/rebellious/wild card...but many people are affected by what others think and say, especially when they're trying to conform to degree and make everybody happy...at times it can be bothersome, I've been in that situation before and even though I do whatever I want when I want and my family knows this about me...they still will say something, so I can imagine what it's like for the average person.

 

Of course on a psycho-analytical level here, there are some things here with you and this "relationship" that raise other questions that just this guys weight.

[sillyanswer]

I'm interested in what people think when they see mismatched couples. For example, if you saw a woman who was fit as in training for a figure competition with a guy who was 400ish pounds and clearly obese.

 

I've done that (with me being the thin one). We were happy. Our friends and family were happy that we were happy. We didn't care what anyone else thought of us because their opinions didn't matter.

 

There was an issue that she hated her size, but it wasn't about what other people thought.

[gaius]

So, curious how people think/perceive couples like this or how you would feel if you were obese and being pursued my fitness junkie.

If the difference was that extreme. the reptile part of my brain would probably think that the fatter of the two was showering the thin one with money or that the thinner of the couple had issues and didn't think they could do any better. I would probably stare a little bit too, just to try and figure out what was going on.

 

Not saying that's you, but that's the emotional reaction I would get from seeing something like that. It's not something you see everyday and I don't think it's something most people can understand. Part of the reason most obese people I know are obese is because they're not super comfortable with intimacy and are secretly trying to ward it off. So when you see one with somebody who's at the top of the intimacy food chain it's a bit of a mystery.

[irc333]

Yeah, I think I may have mentioned at a party that the host/hostess of a party .....were a couple.

 

The woman, was clearly obese, but the boyfriend...well, an obvious manly beef cake....great shape....and some of the rather better looking women in bikini's were scratchin their heads to trying to figure that one out.

 

One of them was "Booty" dancin' up against him, and his overweight g/f got in her face and said, "HEY! This is not THAT kind of party!!"

 

Ticked off the bathing beauty, and of course she had a bit to drink and was auditble about "Man, I work out 5 days a week, and he's with THAT fat sow?!"

 

(She didn't say this to them directly, but off to the side with other friends).

 

Yeah, kind of makes ya wonder .

[USMCHokie]

I've actually have met several women who were in good physical shape as well as being attractive yet were with not-so-attractive, very hairy, large, considerably overweight men...basically didn't meet the "status quo" in any way...however I also noticed these women did tend to have low self-esteem and have issues with their own body/appearance and viewed themselves in a very negative/unattractive light, quite contrary to what they actually looked like or would appear to men...so for these women it was a reflection of how they felt about themselves on the inside, they likely felt intimidated by attractive men or not good enough. Therefore I got the sense and feeling there was some sense of security being with these men, maybe these men were good providers/husbands/fathers as well.

 

It also grants them permission to let themselves go when the time comes...she can't feel guilty about it if the guy's already there...

[irc333]

I've actually have met several women who were in good physical shape as well as being attractive yet were with not-so-attractive, very hairy, large, considerably overweight men...basically didn't meet the "status quo" in any way...however I also noticed these women did tend to have low self-esteem and have issues with their own body/appearance and viewed themselves in a very negative/unattractive light, quite contrary to what they actually looked like or would appear to men...so for these women it was a reflection of how they felt about themselves on the inside, they likely felt intimidated by attractive men or not good enough.

 

I actually had a couple of rather attractive women tell me this...well...they said they don't date HANDSOME Men because they know they'll cheat on them or just assume they'll never be loyal or a player...so thats why they liked me...a rather average Joe with no washboard abs.

 

Some of it was due to self esteem. Imagine how it worked in MY favor for a change lol

 

When I see/meet an attractive woman who's with a considerably out of shape guy I usually think to myself what most people probably think "what is she doing with him, she's too attractive for him"

 

I"ve noticed that if said woman is out with her boyfriend that LOOKS like this....other more good looking men will hit on her RIGHT in front of him....because they feel they could easily steal her away from said "chump". Of course, they don't succeed, but it is quite rude to just assume such things.

 

They figure" Man, what the heck is she doing with HIM?" and then they feel the need to come over and take CORRECTIVE action! LOL

[ASG]

I've been part of one of those couples. Me being the fit one.

 

In some ways our relationship didn't work because he was obese, but only in the sense that he was always too tired/grumpy from his weight to actually be fun to be around.

But we never cared what anyone thought of us..

And he might have been fat, but he was very handsome!!

Edited July 4, 2013 by ASG

[USMCHokie]

In some ways our relationship didn't work because he was obese, but only in the sense that he was always too tired/grumpy from his weight to actually be fun to be around.

 

And people say looks aren't ever a reflection of personality...

[irc333]

I've been part of one of those couples. Me being the fit one.

 

In some ways our relationship didn't work because he was obese, but only in the sense that he was always too tired/grumpy from his weight to actually be fun to be around.

But we never cared what anyone thought of us..

And he might have been fat, but he was very handsome!!

 

Had better looking men tried to "steal you away" from him?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I work with a guy who is extremely good looking/athletic/into fitness/former pro football player that is engaged to an obese woman. In this scenario this woman was always heavier but has gained more weight over the years. While he seems very loving towards her, it was obvious that there are some deep issues about their relationship. I have met her and she is very outgoing/bossy/confident and he is really shy and quiet.

 

I talk to him about fitness and nutrition and you can see his eyes light up, or even just when I mention going for a run or something. Pretty soon he started talking about how badly he wishes that his fiance was into fitness and how he is getting unhappier about her weight. I shut that down by defending her 100% and turned myself into an advice giver about how to gently discuss those issues with her.

 

Realistically, I don't see a bright future for them as a couple unless she does something drastic (but I kept this opinion to myself). It's up to them to figure it out.

 

So overall, it's hard for me to see how lifestyles can match with such couples (even ignoring physical appearance). It's even harder for me to see how they get together in the first place, so yes I assume some underlying psychological issues. Not to repeat what ninja said but I believe that your partner is a reflection of how you see yourself.

[USMCHokie]

I talk to him about fitness and nutrition and you can see his eyes light up, or even just when I mention going for a run or something. Pretty soon he started talking about how badly he wishes that his fiance was into fitness and how he is getting unhappier about her weight. I shut that down by defending her 100% and turned myself into an advice giver about how to gently discuss those issues with her.

 

Yep. This will inevitably start happening. The fitter of the two will try to change the other, slowly growing resentful and regretful of the relationship.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yes. The fat vs fit thing is not an insurmountable obstacle to a relationship if there are other things that make the couple compatible.

 

OP If there are a ton of other deeper things that make you compatible with this guy, then go ahead and date him. Don't worry about people staring. They don't have to live with your choice you do.

 

 

That said. A big mismatch in fitness levels, lifestyles, and energy levels will cause problems. Personally I know a very overweight person would never be able to keep up with my energy level.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You also have to consider the impact of the attitude and emotion that someone has about themselves, even if you don't make a fuss about something it doesn't mean the other person isn't going to be unhappy, depressed, self-loathing, critical of themselves.

 

People tend to feel it's just about "their perception" and acceptance often times...so basically if you're ok with it they're ok with it, everything should be fine right? wrong...how a person feels about themselves has nothing to do with your opinion or perception because how they feel about the reflection in the mirror is determined by themselves.

 

This works in many other ways instead of just weight, often people feel they can fix someone else or be supportive enough to help people overcome their personal issues thinking love works as some kind of therapy...nice theory, but ain't going to happen.

 

When someone is in a body that they are not happy with or see themselves differently, regardless of how they look objectively to a third-party or especially their partner, they can be hyper critical of themselves and make self-damaging comments or just suffer in silence, that will ultimately drain the other partners energy and emotions in a relationship...because it may result in mood swings, attitude, discontent, fighting that is all coming from an entirely different place than that actual "relationship", it's coming from themselves.

 

So one part of the puzzle as a partner is your acceptance of how you make your partner feel...but it's a smaller part of how they will ultimately feel about themselves, your support may be influential but their perception is still entirely up to themselves...whether they're with you or someone else it's going to be the same problem, other than someone stomping on someone who is already feeling bad about themselves...which some people are drawn to because they are obviously insecure and tell themselves it's justified and they should change...some men often use this "weakness" to manipulate women and hide their own insecurities as women are often easy prey for emotional badgering.

 

The problem with being overweight is that it tends to be tied in to so many other psychological and emotional factors that those things become a heavier emotional burden than the physical weight in a relationship...the weight is just the visual result of something much deeper, so you have to ask yourself what is the entire circumstance of being with a person who is likely struggling with deeper issues...not that average weight people or skinny people aren't unhappy with themselves but the point is perception not actuality.

 

What's worse is people put their expectations and motivations onto the shoulders of their partner or in the name of "love", hoping that this will be that one thing that makes the difference, fulfills the void, and rights the wrongs...but when it does not, and they just find themselves in that perpetual cycle of despair and confusion on where to go next...they find themselves looking for another "magical" solution, instead of focusing their energy into resolving the issues within themselves...mainly because they don't know how or where to even start, and really, just aren't up to the "fight"...it's easier to just "let yourself go" into your coping mechanism of choice...sex, drugs, food, romance - love, entertainment...the band-aids to the deeper problem.

 

And in a relationship (as it progresses and just isn't about moments and emotions) their problems because your problem...and it goes the other way too.

[mesmerized]

If I see a fit woman with a 400 pounds man I'd think damn she is desperate! To me someone who is that obese can't have an amazing personality either. That just screams low standards.

[Woggle]

If they are both happy then why not though at 400 pounds he will have serious health problems.

[USMCHokie]

Do you think she'll have as much sex with him as she does with someone who matches her level of fitness and aesthetics...? Or will they turn into another couple that complains about how little sex they have...?

[Eternal Sunshine]

If I see a fit woman with a 400 pounds man I'd think damn she is desperate! To me someone who is that obese can't have an amazing personality either. That just screams low standards.

 

 

yep that's the first thing that comes to my mind too.

[charlietheginger]

Chances are the skinny fit girl has guys always on her

Asking her out so on. These guys usually just want to fook

The fitness chick and move on....

 

Chances are this dumpy fat guy is nice sweet and not

Trying to get down your pants ....

 

For you it feels good to have conversation with the fat guy

And not feel like your just "a walking vagina" that he actually

Likes you as a woman

[soccerrprp]

Have we considered the timing? What I mean is, did the more slender person become attracted to the larger person or were they both physically compatible at one time and one of them BECAME larger?

 

This could explain a lot of the mismatches.

[USMCHokie]

Have we considered the timing? What I mean is, did the more slender person become attracted to the larger person or were they both physically compatible at one time and one of them BECAME larger?

 

This could explain a lot of the mismatches.

 

In this case, OP is interested in someone who is already overweight/obese while she is fit.

[ChessPieceFace]

I'm interested in what people think when they see mismatched couples. For example, if you saw a woman who was fit as in training for a figure competition with a guy who was 400ish pounds and clearly obese.

 

I've never seen this.

 

I've seen rail-thin guys with fat women though. I don't understand it. I don't really understand anyone being with a fat person. It's like they just gave up trying for anything better. And I say that as a single fat person.