Getting Back After Ex Sleeps With Someone Else

[Lonestar]

I wish I had time to read all the posts in this thread, but work won't allow.

 

I got back with my ex-husband. I didn't sleep with anyone else for the two years we were apart, but he did. I made the choice not to but came close on a few ocassions. I guess I wasn't ready. It does bother me a little bit at times that he was with other women, but I know that they don't compare to me at all. If they did, he'd still be with them, and he has told me that they didn't even come close to me.

 

Neither one of us would have ever suspected that we'd give this a second try, so could I really expect him not to have sex for two years like I did? That's ridiculous, and I can't hold it against him.

 

As far as they way he's been treating me lately, that's another f***ing story.

[WantanS4]

Hmmm...

 

I think the question of what goes and doesn't go after a break up is all dependent upon the topic of intimacy.

 

Even though people put it in their minds to say that they're physically broken up/seperated, they are still together emotionally and intimately. A seperation/breakup is only completely valid without question when one of the parties becomes intimately involved with another person. Sex, we should all agree, is an intimate thing. It something two people share/do, and it's not a common day courtesy such as a casual conversation or act (like opening the door....... yeah yeah...... you can think of sexual acts like opening doors........ stay with me). Thus, when a member of a relationship sleeps with another person, not only does that confirm and substantiate the seperation/de-unionization, but it makes extremely difficult to reestablish intimate emotions when a reconcilation is sought.

 

Granted, there are no more committments when a relationship is 'broken', and I think that's what 'broken' means......'broken committment'. It does not mean 'broken intimacy' (although this is usually a byproduct of broken committments). There are times when the committments end, but the intimacy/emotion remains. I think the definition of 'healed' means your ready for 'intimacy' with someone else/elsewhere. Many relationships end with one member being 'ready' before the other (such is the case with ALL of the broken hearted reading this).

 

In simple terms, when you do something, you remember. Ignorance is bliss, and going off to sleep with someone else is the loss of innocence (I don't mean to have any religious references) the prior relationship had.

 

 

So........ all in all........ I think that when it happens, it's difficult to reestablish (FOR BOTH PARTIES) the intimacy. The one who's been elsewhere will not value making love as much (on the emotional front of course), and the other will find it difficult to believe the first is being genuine with their intimacy.

 

Society today applauds promiscuity and 'freedom', and I think it's rather sad. For me, it's a matter of will power. Sex is GREAT... no doubt, but it isn't necessary and the emotional committments and reprocussions are too costly to.... JUST DO IT!

 

Bottomline, if you find love...... HOLD ON TO IT....... because once it's gone, it'll never be the same again. This is a fact that all of us have overlooked at least once in our lifetimes. In fact, I think this is the ULTIMATE lesson that to be learned when a LOVE dies between two people.

[reservoirdog1]

Wow... I turn off my 'puter and go to sleep, only to discover that I've started a pissing match. Rather than joining the rumble, I'll clarify my own situation a bit.

 

Bride2Be:

 

I married in 1996. Thought it was a happy marriage for 7 years, until August 2003. Beginning of that month, TBXWW sat me down and told me that she wanted out of the marriage: she'd been on and off unhappy for the whole time, had massive doubts when we got married, had one affair during the engagement, another 8-monther that started SIX WEEKS after the wedding, and another in 2000. Plus a lengthy emotional affair with #3 up until August '03.

 

She didn't tell me because she wanted to... several of my friends had found out about a year earlier and had told her to break it off with OM#3 immediately or they'd go to me with what they knew. But they didn't know about the ongoing, non-physical EA. So, she wanted out, but knew that she had to tell me about the cheating because I'd have found out from my friends if she didn't.

 

I had no idea about any of this until the truth came out. I thought I was with my soulmate. To say that I was devastated by what I found out is an understatement. She wanted to just leave, but on my urging she agreed to stay and work on rebuilding. She resisted every step of the way. After two months of my trying and getting rebuffed, she said that she didn't want to try anymore and that we should separate in a month. I was too emotionally exhausted to push anymore. (I did, however, get a promise from TBXWW that neither of us would date or sleep with anybody else during that final month -- which didn't stop her from starting to hang around a lot with the old rich guy she's been banging since then, in my home no less. That hurt. I don't think things got physical till after I moved out, but it still hurt.) So, I spent the next month packing, finding an apartment, sleeping on the couch, and convincing myself that I hated her. I had to do that -- I didn't want to be a sad, pathetic, crying little basket case on my moving day.

 

The night before -- Halloween -- I went to a party. I met a woman I'd known socially for years, and she knew through mutual friends about what had happened. Long story short, we would have slept together that night, had I not put the brakes on because of the promise I made to TBXWW.

 

I have no idea if TBXWW kept the promise or not. But I did. And so, the next night -- my first in the new home -- I slept with the woman from the party. Neither of us wanted a relationship -- it was a "friends with benefits" thing. It felt righteous. Was it a particularly mature thing to do? No. But it did me a world of good... especially to my self-confidence, which was at rock bottom at that point.

 

So, Bride2Be, there you have it. I don't know if you've ever been through anything similar or not. But I can tell you, finding out that your new spouse cared so little about you that they were willing to betray you weeks after swearing vows is a kick to the gut.

 

I truly wish you every happiness with your marriage, however. Peace out.

[Confused28]

WOW!!!! Holy Sh*t!!!!

 

I just read this thread of posts..... some heated discussion, very interesting. I don't mean to dig this post back up from several days ago if no one wants to, but I just want to add a little, bit! :-)

 

I'm a psych major as well, (getting my Master's in Counseling Psychology, will be a licensed psychologist in 1 and a half years). That might scare some of you (Weird, Bluechocolate), if you have been reading any of my "Nick and Shane" trilogy :-) But, I must say that I think it is okay to sleep with someone else if you are not together. Everyone heals in different ways, and people are no longer "in" the relationship emotionally at different times near the end.

 

I was married for 4 and a half years, and the last year, we were basically roommates. I don't know if he cheated on me or not, but he sure was gone alot, for hours on end, and his new g/f (now his wife) moved in a mere 4 weeks after I moved out (makes you kinda think they didn't meet after I moved out, ya know?). Ohh well. But anyway, I started a new relationship very fast also, because I was soooooo starved of emotional love, support and attraction. I don't think this makes it wrong, why is it wrong for me to have a monogamous relationship with someone who loved me, cared for me, wanted to spend all his time with me, made me laugh and was a best-friend?

 

I think if you are broken up officially, you probably have been emotionally broken up for quite sometime, and a new love interest is what you might just need to feel again. I think you are okay, reservoirdog, I am so sorry for what you went through. At least you know in your heart you upheld your vows, and so did I :-) confused28