jlb1085 Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Looking for some insight, am I completely naive? I know when I read things online it's all "i'm being stupid" "they will never leave a marriage for the other man/woman" In my situation, she's miserable in the marriage, but trying to make it work. I feel like if I just wait it out....... What's your experience been like? Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 In a lot of cases, the WS won't leave their marriage for their AP, but there are circumstances in which they do. However, even after divorce, they might need time to grieve and adapt to the changes in their life, before ever entering another relationship. Sometimes, they wind up with the AP, and sometimes, the affair was an escape from an unhappy marriage, and serves no further purpose after divorce. It's usually better if the reason for divorcing isn't to be with the AP, but I imagine even of those cases, there are some successes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 IMO a woman will leave a unhappy relationship more often then a man will. Men often see their bs as weak and therefore worry for their safety. Also a woman scorned can be very nasty and use the kids against a man if he tries to leave the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 I left for him, we aren't together but regardless...that was my intent (in part). If it's going to happen though, it has to happen WITHOUT you in the picture for two reasons: 1) It'll be too hard to motivate her to make a decision (in this case, decision = pain, no matter what she decides on). So she'll cake-eat and get used to cake-eating and honestly, when you go down that road you become a really weak and sometimes entitled person. 2) You two know you care about each other when you are together, but do you still feel that way when you are apart? In other words, she can only miss you if you're gone- and realize how much you meant to her. What I would NOT DO. People may tell you to tell her that if she leaves, it should be for herself and not for you. I understand the intent behind this statement, but it is CONFUSING AS HELL because what comes across is: "I'm not sure I even want to be with you, so don't ruin your life on my behalf because I'll feel bad." DO NOT say that (unless you mean what I wrote, which I don't think you do). Instead, tell her "I don't want you to continue cheating on your H and I don't want to continue this secret relationship with you. I will defer to your marriage and if you can work it out, of course you should. If you can't then we can start a relationship in the future out in the open. Tell her that you realize that it will take some time to both make the decision and go through the process. Tell her that you will go NC with her, not because of anger or animosity but because you'd like to protect your feelings and she won't be able to think with a clear head with you in the picture. You can also add that you can have LC during the process, because you don't want her to think you'd ditch her when she needs you." I'm telling you, this is the only way. Otherwise you'll either be in this relationship a year from now or it will have ended bc one of you goes nuts on the other bc of jealousy, resentment, etc. This way you up the chances of her leaving and you also up the chances of recovery if she doesn't. Warning: easier said than done. ps- please don't think that bc its hard for her to get a D that she doesn't care. She may still care for her H and if so they might work it out. But even if she doesn't care for her H in that way, it still is very difficult. Take care! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlb1085 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 Thank you so much for your responses. Praying4Peace, I've told her that I want to be with her, but that I want her to figure out her marriage (whatever she needs to give it that 'chance', and then take some time to figure out herself, and then choose to me with me). The problem with that is: 1 - She takes a long time to make any kind of move, paralyzed by fear and doesn't want to disappoint 2 - I gave her a never ending timeline. I don't know if I can wait forever (essentially) not knowing whether or not she'll really ever even leave him. I know she's unhappy, but ......can I wait forever? I've considered NC so many times, but we're also best friends. We go to each other with every problem under the sun. We've both acknowledged that it's probably not the best idea to rely on each other as sole confidants, but there's really no one else either of us would rather talk to. It's ......actually a little ridiculous when I say it (or type it) out loud, isn't it... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 If things go sour likely not Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 In my time here, I read over and over that women in bad marraiges usually have 'exit' affairs while men in bad marraiges generally have 'missing void' affairs. Since your AP is a MW, your chances are higher than OW like myself with my MM. But I agree, her leaving based soley to be with you is not the best foundation of a real relationship. Best of luck! & keep us posted Cheers! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 Thank you so much for your responses. Praying4Peace, I've told her that I want to be with her, but that I want her to figure out her marriage (whatever she needs to give it that 'chance', and then take some time to figure out herself, and then choose to me with me). The problem with that is: 1 - She takes a long time to make any kind of move, paralyzed by fear and doesn't want to disappoint 2 - I gave her a never ending timeline. I don't know if I can wait forever (essentially) not knowing whether or not she'll really ever even leave him. I know she's unhappy, but ......can I wait forever? I've considered NC so many times, but we're also best friends. We go to each other with every problem under the sun. We've both acknowledged that it's probably not the best idea to rely on each other as sole confidants, but there's really no one else either of us would rather talk to. It's ......actually a little ridiculous when I say it (or type it) out loud, isn't it... I would tell the husband. A forced d-day is your friend. Otherwise, move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 Maybe if you set a strict timeline... say, go LC for a couple months, and if she still hasn't moved then move on (and let her know you intent to). Sounds like failing a strong motivation she'll keep the status quo forever (and it's hard to totally blame her for that, because divorce is not easy!) Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 are you single or married? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 I suppose not but I was curious that's all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlb1085 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 Thanks for all your advice. I'm single. I've tried to get out and meet people, but I can't find someone I click with as well as her. I know, stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlb1085 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 I would tell the husband. A forced d-day is your friend. Otherwise, move on. I don't think I could ever do that to her.... Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 I don't think I could ever do that to her.... As long as there is no d day she stays married. Maybe you are afraid she will end the affair if there is a d day. Link to post Share on other sites
elfman Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 Ehm, No, he will not leave her for you. If he leaves her it will be for himself, and if he ends up with you or not it'll be up for betting. Also, how much can you really trust a guy who cheats on his wife with you... you might likely be his next BS and victim... Now stop being stupid and go for unmarried men, there are a bunch out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 Ehm, No, he will not leave her for you. If he leaves her it will be for himself, and if he ends up with you or not it'll be up for betting. Also, how much can you really trust a guy who cheats on his wife with you... you might likely be his next BS and victim... Now stop being stupid and go for unmarried men, there are a bunch out there. Err, the OP uses the same lingo as a single OW, but he is actually a single OM waiting for an MOW that behaves like a typical MM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 Ehm, No, he will not leave her for you. If he leaves her it will be for himself, and if he ends up with you or not it'll be up for betting. Also, how much can you really trust a guy who cheats on his wife with you... you might likely be his next BS and victim... Now stop being stupid and go for unmarried men, there are a bunch out there. OP is a male...I know, usually it's the OW asking, but this time...well, it's in the title. :/ How did you miss that? Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 Looking for some insight, am I completely naive? I know when I read things online it's all "i'm being stupid" "they will never leave a marriage for the other man/woman" In my situation, she's miserable in the marriage, but trying to make it work. I feel like if I just wait it out....... What's your experience been like? My experience is no...but that's not to say it can't happen. Gotta let it play out the right way no matter what. My xMW has gone from yes...she wanted to walk away, she wanted to figure out how to tell him...because she was unhappy. To now in MC...now saying she has to try. I believe she is right. She wants no regrets. I don't think she'll ever leave him...particularly while I am available as an emotional support when he isn't...so...my advice...walk away and let them be before it gets worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlb1085 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Share Posted July 6, 2013 Instead, tell her "I don't want you to continue cheating on your H and I don't want to continue this secret relationship with you. I will defer to your marriage and if you can work it out, of course you should. If you can't then we can start a relationship in the future out in the open. Tell her that you realize that it will take some time to both make the decision and go through the process. Tell her that you will go NC with her, not because of anger or animosity but because you'd like to protect your feelings and she won't be able to think with a clear head with you in the picture. You can also add that you can have LC during the process, because you don't want her to think you'd ditch her when she needs you." I told her the above while we were starting LC and she told me that she's more depressed not talking to me and needs me as a friend. I feel awful when I talk to her (knowing she's still married) and awful when I don't talk to her. I don't know what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 I told her the above while we were starting LC and she told me that she's more depressed not talking to me and needs me as a friend. I feel awful when I talk to her (knowing she's still married) and awful when I don't talk to her. I don't know what to do.... If neither talking often nor NC is working, you could go LC instead. Put guidelines in place to prevent the conversations from entering territory that winds up hurting you. This way, you can still have some contact, without it doing further damage to your state of mind. Or idealistically, at any rate. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 If neither talking often nor NC is working, you could go LC instead. Put guidelines in place to prevent the conversations from entering territory that winds up hurting you. This way, you can still have some contact, without it doing further damage to your state of mind. Or idealistically, at any rate. LC is.just as maddening and just builds it up for one or both Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 LC is.just as maddening and just builds it up for one or both What if he went gradually from LC to NC? I suppose he could go full NC, but it doesn't sound like he's ready for that. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 What if he went gradually from LC to NC? I suppose he could go full NC, but it doesn't sound like he's ready for that. Nobody is ready for NC. It just has to go that way for successful recovery.... LC just fuel the addiction, which is always waiting in the wings.... that's my opinion on it. I claim no expertise, just from my experiences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Statistically, you have about a 3% chance of eventually marrying her. Then you have a 75% chance of a subsequent divorce from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 she told me that she's more depressed not talking to me and needs me as a friend. She is eating cake. She will never leave. In fact you are supplementing her marriage very nicely and she will not leave. Your only hope of she leaving is to dump her and move on. Or you can always call the H and tell him. However, you will not do that. That takes a lot of courage. Furthermore, you are afraid she will throw you under the bus if you force a d-day. All and all a non-winning situation for you. Why date an MOW? because she pays attention to you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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