Will she leave him for me?

[JustAReformedGirl]

Statistically, you have about a 3% chance of eventually marrying her. Then you have a 75% chance of a subsequent divorce from her.

 

I don't think the statistics are accurate. It's too easy for people to lie in the questionnaires, and most wouldn't admit their current partner started out as an affair.

 

I could be wrong, but that's just my opinion from what I've read.

[Pierre]

I don't think the statistics are accurate. It's too easy for people to lie in the questionnaires, and most wouldn't admit their current partner started out as an affair.

 

I could be wrong, but that's just my opinion from what I've read.

 

The actual number really does not matter. However, observation in the forum and with friends IRL shows a very low rate of success. But, all relationships have a low rate of success even in ideal conditions.

 

My question is:

 

Why would a single man pine and date the MOW? What drives a man to hide behind her skirt waiting in the shadows. If OP was doing it just for the sex I would understand.

[JustAReformedGirl]

The actual number really does not matter. However, observation in the forum and with friends IRL shows a very low rate of success. But, all relationships have a low rate of success even in ideal conditions.

 

My question is:

 

Why would a single man pine and date the MOW? What drives a man to hide behind her skirt waiting in the shadows. If OP was doing it just for the sex I would understand.

 

Fair question; I don't think he illuminated on how they came to meet, if they've known each other quite awhile, or what. Clearly emotions are involved...

 

I can't imagine anyone wanting to get involved, emotionally, knowing the situation as it is. I can see not knowing of the spouse until after emotions make an appearance, or feelings having existed before said spouse ever came to be. Of course, there are also cases of FWB backfiring, because one person (or both) develop feelings beyond the physical.

 

I don't think the latter case is what happened to the OP, though.

 

Hopefully he let's us know.

[BetrayedH]

I don't think the statistics are accurate. It's too easy for people to lie in the questionnaires, and most wouldn't admit their current partner started out as an affair.

 

I could be wrong, but that's just my opinion from what I've read.

 

Your point is well taken; Infidelity statistics are certainly difficult to trust. That said, it gives us a baseline from which to have a discussion. My point is that it is pretty unwise to continue to invest in an affair relationship. You wouldn't touch these odds at all in Vegas and the OP has a lot more at stake than just money. Affairs rarely result in much more than short-lived pleasure and very underestimated long-term harm for more than just the two people involved but several others that probably didn't have it coming. It is almost always a losing investment and even based on anecdotal evidence (like this site) it seems to me that the 3% is probably about right. How many years of the OP's life should he dedicate towards those chances? I vote for zero.

[So happy together]

Looking for some insight, am I completely naive?

 

I know when I read things online it's all "i'm being stupid" "they will never leave a marriage for the other man/woman"

 

In my situation, she's miserable in the marriage, but trying to make it work. I feel like if I just wait it out.......

 

What's your experience been like?

 

 

 

I was in a situation for about a year. We'd known one another for 18 years, but were just friends/could have been an ea... I'm not sure.

 

We became really close again and began an affair. Full on. After about 8 months (I can't remember exactly, we both decided we couldn't do it any more and he was planning his exit. Before he could leave she found his secret cell phone and he admitted all and left. He got an apartment and we've been dating exclusively ever since. I'm planning a move to where he is (we are long distance) in the next few months. I'll be moving my business so it's not an easy move but well worth it. He's in the middle of the divorce, and that's NOT fun. The dday was also not fun, and the month after was really difficult.

 

It does happen, and more than people here would like to admit. I know several, several couples from another forum who are all working things out nicely. But, every situation is different. Make your wants and needs known. He NEEDS to know if you want a full time relationship or if you are okay with being OW (some people are perfectly happy in that situation).

 

Good luck in finding your way through. It's not easy, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

[elfman]

Err, the OP uses the same lingo as a single OW, but he is actually a single OM waiting for an MOW that behaves like a typical MM.

 

Ha! My mistake, well, that changes things...

 

E.

[Journee]

I was in a situation for about a year. We'd known one another for 18 years, but were just friends/could have been an ea... I'm not sure.

 

We became really close again and began an affair. Full on. After about 8 months (I can't remember exactly, we both decided we couldn't do it any more and he was planning his exit. Before he could leave she found his secret cell phone and he admitted all and left. He got an apartment and we've been dating exclusively ever since. I'm planning a move to where he is (we are long distance) in the next few months. I'll be moving my business so it's not an easy move but well worth it. He's in the middle of the divorce, and that's NOT fun. The dday was also not fun, and the month after was really difficult.

 

It does happen, and more than people here would like to admit. I know several, several couples from another forum who are all working things out nicely. But, every situation is different. Make your wants and needs known. He NEEDS to know if you want a full time relationship or if you are okay with being OW (some people are perfectly happy in that situation).

 

Good luck in finding your way through. It's not easy, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

 

 

 

I thought OP was a man?

 

Also is it some kind of badge of honor to have your (general) relationship start out as an affair?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Interesting that I keep reading here and in other sources that MM rarely leaves his M for OW. Yet over the years I have known of many MM who have left BW for OW. If they only represented 3%............????

 

This past year two of my friends' husbands have left for OW. Both marriages were 30+ years. The H of an acquaintance also left her for OW. These are just ones I know about.

[Journee]

OP

 

 

Everyone can give you opinions and stories of these ever so romantic beginings , but no one here knows the answer. Just your MW. You have the power to direct your own change if you choose to. No matter if the statistics are 3% or 300%.

 

 

You do deserve some kind of direction though. This is no way to live.

[BetrayedH]

Interesting that I keep reading here and in other sources that MM rarely leaves his M for OW. Yet over the years I have known of many MM who have left BW for OW. If they only represented 3%............????

 

This past year two of my friends' husbands have left for OW. Both marriages were 30+ years. The H of an acquaintance also left her for OW. These are just ones I know about.

 

In your examples, did the AP eventually marry the MM? That's the stat I was quoting.

[So happy together]

I thought OP was a man?

 

Also is it some kind of badge of honor to have your (general) relationship start out as an affair?

 

I actually just realized that. I think because so many posters are women I just assumed. Sorry about that OP.

 

And no, not a badge of honor, but it gives others that are in the situation I was, hope. If it is what both people really want it can happen, and does. So, I'm just happy I'm in my relationship. He's a fantastic guy.

[So happy together]

In your examples, did the AP eventually marry the MM? That's the stat I was quoting.

 

I can think of at least three that are married and happy, just off the top of my head... others are dating, living together, etc.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Yes, BH, most of them that I know of married and stayed married.

 

My exH left his second wife (I was first wife, he didn't marry the woman he left me for) for OW and they've been married 17 years. My neighbors father left her mother and married OW and they've been married 20+ years. Neighbors a couple blocks away that I know got married after being in an affair (they both left marriages) and are together after over 20 years. A friend who was married to a dentist had her husband leave and he married OW between 15+20 years ago. They're still married. A client, MW, left her M for her MM and they stayed together until he died a year ago.

 

However, a friend left her H 22 years ago and M her MM. They divorced after three kids and 15 years.

 

I can't think of anyone I know who left for the AP and didn't marry them. But, I haven't made it a point to keep tabs on everyone, either.

[Pierre]

I can think of at least three that are married and happy, just off the top of my head... others are dating, living together, etc.

 

When my wife was pregnant she saw pregnant women everywhere. Up until her pregnancy she had never seen so many other pregnant women.

 

I think it happens, but I suspect that if you had a daughter you would not advise your daughter to find a married man to start a family.

 

Regarding your statement of hope. Anyone with lack of options at least has hope. Not a good plan to plan your life based on hope.

[BetrayedH]

From an article on survivinginfidelity.com

 

"A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair."

 

OP, you can decide for yourself what odds you think you have of making it. From my vantage point, you'd be foolish to continue to invest in that relationship.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is an important distinction because I have seen people here say that you can't trust the 3% statistic because people wouldn't be inclined to admit that their marriages started as an affair. However I don't believe that the 3% was arrived at by asking a bunch of random married people if their spouse was a former affair partner. I mean think about it. That wouldn't make any sense. How would they find how many people didn't marry their affair partner if they were only surveying married people? They couldn't. From my understanding the 3% was arrived at by questioning admitted cheaters, as in they didn't have to worry about people being dishonest about having had an affair as that was already an established fact of all the people who participated in the survey. Then they asked these known admitted cheaters if they went on to marry their affair partners and only 3% of them had. That still doesn't make the 3% statistic an iron clad fact as statistics are always susceptible to other factors, however it does eliminate the argument that the people in the survey most likely lied because they didn't want to admit to cheating.

 

I am very realistic in that many of these situations do not work out. However, I do know of many men and women who have left for their AP's and married them - some stayed married, some didnt.

 

I do not trust these kind of statistics either. To give an example, those in the medical field know that when they are looking at data as far as drugs are concerned, they look to see who wrote the article. If it's the drug company that is manufacturing the drug that is putting out the statistics, they are not necessarily trustworthy. It should be an independent source. Although I think sites like surviving infidelity are great and they serve a purpose, I would not trust their data to be completely accurate.

[Anna-Belle]

From an article on survivinginfidelity.com

 

"A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair."

 

OP, you can decide for yourself what odds you think you have of making it. From my vantage point, you'd be foolish to continue to invest in that relationship.

 

From an article on loveanyway.theherosspouse.com:

 

"Dr. Jan Halper surveyed 4126 men who were successful career professionals. 82% (~3383) of the men she surveyed cheated on their spouses. (Halper, Jan. Quiet Desperation the Truth About Successful Men. New York: Warner Books, 1988. page 205.) 3% (~124) of those surveyed eventually married the affair partner. (Ibid., page 22.) This was a specific survey that focused on high-level career professionals–numbers may differ for men in different industries and at different professional levels. The 3% is out of the entire 4126; 18% (~743) of those men claimed uninterrupted fidelity, thus the 3% is not 3% of those who cheated; that figure is (~124)/(~3383) or 3.7%. Those who reference Halper’s study sometimes fail to point out that it focused on a certain population of men–high level career professionals–and I did not find a single instance where it was noted that the 3% was from the total survey number of 4126 which included men who claimed uninterrupted fidelity. Halper’s study is helpful in that the survey size was large, but she did not offer data about the length of the marriages that resulted from infidelity."

 

I find Jan Halper's survey irrelevant to the OP, since the married person in this case is a woman and not a man, nor a high-level career professional.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[Anna-Belle]

I think I said in my post that statistics aren't 100% reliable. Also who said anything about the Surviving Infidelity site? What do they have to do with anything? The 3% number didn't come from them. I'm sure they talk about it from time to time as we do here as well, but it's not their "data". LOL...That statistic has been around for years. I'm not sure how old that study is but I'm pretty sure it existed long before the Surviving Infidelity board did. That's probably one of that statistic's faults. It's old. Someone should do it again.

 

The survey seems to be from 1988 (at least the book about it is), so it's at least 25 years old. I must say I question whether such an old survey targeting a very specific set of men is relevant at all today.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[Anna-Belle]

From an article on loveanyway.theherosspouse.com:

 

"Dr. Jan Halper surveyed 4126 men who were successful career professionals. 82% (~3383) of the men she surveyed cheated on their spouses. (Halper, Jan. Quiet Desperation the Truth About Successful Men. New York: Warner Books, 1988. page 205.) 3% (~124) of those surveyed eventually married the affair partner. (Ibid., page 22.) This was a specific survey that focused on high-level career professionals–numbers may differ for men in different industries and at different professional levels. The 3% is out of the entire 4126; 18% (~743) of those men claimed uninterrupted fidelity,"

 

The one thing I find interesting in this study is that an extremely high percentage of these "successful businessmen" were unfaithful to their spouses: 82%. Only 18% claimed uninterrupted fidelity. Does success equal more ONS perhaps? Which by the way is yet a factor, nobody expects anyone to marry the person they had a ONS with. Where's the study which shows the percentage of long term EMRs leading to marriage?

Edited July 7, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[LilGirlandOW]

Seems to me success to WMM can sometimes equate to entitlement of sexual and emotional happiness. They can buy all the toys they want, go on vacations they want, they may also feel (some) that they can have OW who fulfills needs as they want.

 

thoughts?

[Anna-Belle]

Looking for some insight, am I completely naive?

 

I know when I read things online it's all "i'm being stupid" "they will never leave a marriage for the other man/woman"

 

In my situation, she's miserable in the marriage, but trying to make it work. I feel like if I just wait it out.......

 

What's your experience been like?

 

My MM left. But it took years. It tends to be easier for women to leave their marriages though. The men are saddled with the provider role. The women more often follow their heart (and take their kids with them).

[Journee]

I actually just realized that. I think because so many posters are women I just assumed. Sorry about that OP.

 

And no, not a badge of honor, but it gives others that are in the situation I was, hope. If it is what both people really want it can happen, and does. So, I'm just happy I'm in my relationship. He's a fantastic guy.

 

 

I get it ,but it's like this is being romanticized very heavily. It isn't romantic to begin an affair. It isn't romantic or against all odds to leave a bad relationship. It happens. We all have decisions to make and hard one's at that.

 

Of course it happens but does it mean that OP should wait for this particular MW? I am not one that thinks that all affairs are the same nor do I think all advice should be the same.

 

 

No one's story is complete. AP's are not immune to becoming a betrayed person themselves is their MP doesn't put in the work too.

[So happy together]

When my wife was pregnant she saw pregnant women everywhere. Up until her pregnancy she had never seen so many other pregnant women.

 

I think it happens, but I suspect that if you had a daughter you would not advise your daughter to find a married man to start a family.

 

Regarding your statement of hope. Anyone with lack of options at least has hope. Not a good plan to plan your life based on hope.

 

I don't deny most of what you say, and you're right, I wouldn't advise it. It's difficult but OP is already in a relationship and asked for our experiences. This is mine. I'm happy.

[So happy together]

I get it ,but it's like this is being romanticized very heavily. It isn't romantic to begin an affair. It isn't romantic or against all odds to leave a bad relationship. It happens. We all have decisions to make and hard one's at that.

 

Of course it happens but does it mean that OP should wait for this particular MW? I am not one that thinks that all affairs are the same nor do I think all advice should be the same.

 

 

No one's story is complete. AP's are not immune to becoming a betrayed person themselves is their MP doesn't put in the work too.

 

 

 

I was asked for my experience. I gave it. And it has been romantic has hell.

[Journee]

I was asked for my experience. I gave it. And it has been romantic has hell.

 

 

 

 

I didn't mean for that to be directed at you. I rambled as I tend to do. You are right ,OP asked for exactly that ...personal experience. I just hate to see people in such pain. You can feel it in their posts.

 

Good luck OP