Slightly Depressed and maybe Paranoid

[jayta78]

Hello, new to the board.

 

I have come on here because I have not quite hit the counselling point in my life, but I think I might be near it. (Plus they are expensive)

 

I think I have suffered depression since high school. I believe some of this has stemmed from always being always on the outside since grade school. I grew up in an all white small town. My family was the only asians in school at the time.

 

But fast forward to today. I have discovered that I had low self esteem since high school, but did not realize it until college. When I was in high school, I kept telling myself that people were racist idiots and that I was a late bloomer. I knew I was not ugly. Overweight, but not ugly. I bloomed in college, as I lost all of the weight that came from comfort food. But it was at that point that I began thinking that it wasn't just about the way I looked, but who I was that was the problem to why I could not keep really close friends.

 

Two years ago, I started taking dance classes. I had never done them before. I lived in a city where all of my 'friends' were my little sister's friends (I live with her) and so very much I was alone. This was because I worked graveyard shifts and had no social life.

 

But this changed when I met so many amazing friends in my tango class. I was going out alot and had so many social functions that it made me so happy. I even found a guy that I seemed to connect to. He is a lot younger than me but we fell into a somewhat physical relationship which has turned into more. (For both of us, it is our first relationship)

 

However, since he has left for Germany for the summer, I have found myself disconsolate. I thought I was just sad because he was gone. I found myself withdrawing from my friends and not seeing anyone at all. I tried to push myself to hang out with people, but nothing felt the same. My one tango friend had just returned from Germany and she was one of my closest friends, but we had a slight gap now that I was seeing my boyfriend, Ronan, because she was friends with him as well and I believe disapproves of our relationship. (She does not think it will last as he has plans on moving abroad and he is so much younger than I am - 14 years to be exact- and believes both of us will end up getting hurt)

 

So things have changed for me this year. The person whom I'd probably talk to the most about these things, I feel detached from. And I went through one other thing with a different friend and now we are on the outs (still gather in larger groups but never really talk otherwise) and it makes for awkward gatherings. And then I have another friend, Josh, who I believe is getting closer to another friend and I find myself jealous as we used to hang out alot by ourselves.

 

All of these things accumulated has got me beside myself. I feel like there is something wrong with me. It's like I can't be normal around people. I do not find myself having a lot to offer in way of conversation and there is no joy in my life right now. I withdraw from people because it hurts to see people happy and fine without me. I feel like people are talking about me behind my back as to how weird and depressed I am acting, and it seems people are trying to leave me out of things where I used to always be included. It probably isn't true. I pray to God that it is not, but it sure feels that way to me. I wouldn't blame them as I am not a lot of fun.

 

It's almost too much to take, because I am depressed and it drives me to withdraw. Which then in turn drives people away. And I am left to feel like I either need to put on some mask and smile away and pretend everything is okay or let them leave.

 

How do you talk about how sad you are without having people get tired of it? How can you explain to them how much it hurts to be left out of things? People have a right to have separate relationships than the one that always includes me. My brain is a schmozel right now. I know what is practical and what is a logical explanation for the way people look at me and stuff but everything inside me tells me that they are tired of dealing with me. They are tired of how sombre I am and how much of a downer I am. This is the reason why they do not talk to me any more.

 

I drive everyone away with my depression and paranoia. Most days I can keep it in check, but right now it is getting the best of me. I drove it away over a decade ago, but that was when I was surrounded by amazing friends who I could talk with every day. Now, I have no one to talk with.

 

The only relief I get is when I am talking with my boyfriend. He makes me forget that I feel like there is something wrong with me. He makes me feel loved.