youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 One of my close guy friends that I've known for five years will be in town this weekend. He's in the army and it's been a long distance friendship where we literally have only seen each other twice. We keep in touch by text, calls or Skype here and there. I invited my boyfriend to meet my guy friend because my boyfriend can be a little jealous sometimes with my guy friends. Always assuming they want to have sex with me or that they like me that way. So I wanted him to feel secure. He said, "sure, we'll see how I feel tomorrow night" My boyfriend was saying if he does meet him, "he will have to establish dominance so I will still find him desirable". I was thinking "what did you just say to me?!" haha I've never heard of such a thing. And he wasn't kidding. He said it's actual very common for men to do this and there are many subtle ways of establishing dominance. So I asked him to explain how a man establish's dominance with a woman. He said one way is to be stubborn. For example: When you ask a guy to go to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner, instead of just saying "yea sure" they would say "we will see." Creating dominance by not being readily available/agreeable all the time, creating mystery, being in charge. Is this true, do men try to dominate one another? What are some examples?
MrCastle Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Read up on AMOGing. Probably what he is referring to. Yes, it happens. I think it's a sign of insecurity in most cases. Bunch of men trying to one up each other like they're peacocks showing off their tail feathers to attract the female. I can understand a man taking charge when it comes to dating women, but when he tries to be all alpha in a group of other men, it's just like, whatever, dude. Sorry about your small penis. 2
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 So I asked him to explain how a man establish's dominance with a woman. He said one way is to be stubborn. For example: When you ask a guy to go to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner, instead of just saying "yea sure" they would say "we will see." Creating dominance by not being readily available/agreeable all the time, creating mystery, being in charge. This would get exhausting fast... I think the logic in this example is that the man will try to become the "leader" who makes all the decisions on his own. But this sounds more like a fake front to impress. 4
Els Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 That sounds like a REALLY weird thing to say. Are you sure he wasn't joking? 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 This would get exhausting fast... I think the logic in this example is that the man will try to become the "leader" who makes all the decisions on his own. But this sounds more like a fake front to impress. Yes, it does get exhausting when he has to be the one to make the decisions as if some silly ploy to "attract" me. With which I replied, I don't like it when you are indecisive. I want a yes or no answer, I want to be the one who has a say also. This is something I recently have changed in our relationship. Instead of saying "Do you want to go out tonight?" I say, "We are going out tonight" He responds well to that. But this whole thing about creating dominance over my guy friend sounds weird to me. I love my boyfriend, he doesn't have to establish dominance over anyone.
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 That sounds like a REALLY weird thing to say. Are you sure he wasn't joking? That's the first thing I asked. And he said he wasn't kidding, he said it's actually really normal for men to do and they naturally do it without even thinking about it. But I'm surprised he had to tell me that's what he was going to do.
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Read up on AMOGing. Probably what he is referring to. Yes, it happens. I think it's a sign of insecurity in most cases. Bunch of men trying to one up each other like they're peacocks showing off their tail feathers to attract the female. I can understand a man taking charge when it comes to dating women, but when he tries to be all alpha in a group of other men, it's just like, whatever, dude. Sorry about your small penis. I think he can be insecure at times, but my gosh he doesn't show it in front of people. I see this side of him because I know him very well. But he acts very macho and manly in person. He acts like a very tough guy, and he is. But he also has this sensitive side that has been popping out more lately.
MrCastle Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 This would get exhausting fast... I think the logic in this example is that the man will try to become the "leader" who makes all the decisions on his own. But this sounds more like a fake front to impress. I'm the natural leader of my group, typically. As in, I set up the plans the majority of the time. This is because most of my friends are passive and are easy going, and cool with whatever. So I usually pick the places we hang out, and they come with. But it is not a power struggle or me trying to show off and flex my pecks. It's just the social dynamic of our group. I don't do it to try to impress the women around us or anything like that, and at any time, if they offer a different idea on what to do that night, it is very democratic and we take a vote. I'm picturing juice heads in affliction t-shirts trying to use moves they read on a pick up artist forum and apply it to a real life scenario.
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Yes, it does get exhausting when he has to be the one to make the decisions as if some silly ploy to "attract" me. With which I replied, I don't like it when you are indecisive. I want a yes or no answer, I want to be the one who has a say also. I think oftentimes men get confused with what decisiveness actually is...decisiveness is simply the bias to make a decision. However, people sometimes feel that decisiveness also means you were the one to come up with the plan, which is hardly the case. Good leaders don't need to come up with every idea, nor do they want to; they simply have to recognize a good idea and decide to act upon it. They sometimes have to trust others to come up with those good ideas. PUA seems to lose this concept when they talk about male "dominance." They equate "dominance" with actions that draw and soak up attention. "When all eyes are on me, then they inherently can't be on anyone else, so I win," is the idea. 4
Feelin Frisky Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I'm a tad confused by the circumtances. However, earlier this very evening I was thinking about my ex fiancé and how she ruined a nice vibe we had going and brought us into conflict because I said those very words: "we'll see", instead of "of course honey". Actually it might have been yesterday but the thread was about "dominance" and I talked about her BPD where shoe would sometimes become almost masculine. One winter I had a brand new car and we both lived in Brooklyn NY where there was alternate side of the street parking. I had seen many nice new crs get all scarred up from people rocking in and out of snow so I asked her if she would be OK if I left my car out in my parents driveway on Long Island and used her beat up old Oldsmobile for a while to see each other. One day in full view of her family she asked me if I could drive her two months in advance to her tax accountant to have her taxes done and instantly I considered all the variables about it being so far in advance and probably so that winter would be over and that I'd have my car back. Well, her butch self went nuts that I didn't respond the one way she she expected and she jumped all over me for saying "we'll see". Inside I was thinking 99 out of 100 there would be no problem and I would take her wherever she wanted to go but the 1% chance that I held out as the man was so irritating to her she blistered me with "wtf? I let you use my car... blah, blah, blah" Needless to say I was hot as a five dollar machine gun and couldn't stand the sight of her. Her sister and brother in law didn't and couldn't understand but I was beside myself with anger at her. It's interesting that this thread brings up such a thing as being gender related and what assumes who is dominant over whom. That was one of the las t few incidents that broke us--the marriage was off and the respect was gone and it was all because I dared say "we'll see" instead of "absolutely, whatever you say dear". I totally learned from that and choose celibacy over partnership with any women so froggy about getting the answer they expect when they expect it. Oh to have that whole theater of life to do over I would have so kicked her ass to the curb. In every other matter I earned the benefit of the doubt that I could be counted upon to do the supportive and loving thing. I just couldn't earn it from that mental case.
SJC2008 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 OTOH what if yall met up and your BF was intimidated by your friend? I don't mean bowing down like a beeyatch but you know. You you lose attraction for your BF? Some men feel like this and it seems like your BF is one of them.
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 OTOH what if yall met up and your BF was intimidated by your friend? I don't mean bowing down like a beeyatch but you know. You you lose attraction for your BF? Some men feel like this and it seems like your BF is one of them. Well, the PUA industry does spread tales of men stealing away other men's girlfriends and wives from right under their noses...don't know if it's plausible, but I'm sure it has happened before. I s'pose OP's boyfriend doesn't want to be a victim of this...?
SJC2008 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Well, the PUA industry does spread tales of men stealing away other men's girlfriends and wives from right under their noses...don't know if it's plausible, but I'm sure it has happened before. I s'pose OP's boyfriend doesn't want to be a victim of this...? Sure, I wouldn't either. TBS I don't want to live in fear over things I can't control (something I've been working on changing). I'd act normal, like meeting any other Joe Blow and wouldn't worry about "dominating" him. Of course if he started flirting etc it'd be rockem sockem robots time.
Els Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 That's the first thing I asked. And he said he wasn't kidding, he said it's actually really normal for men to do and they naturally do it without even thinking about it. But I'm surprised he had to tell me that's what he was going to do. Ah, interesting. I suppose it isn't terribly surprising, in the sense that some would feel the subconscious urge to do so. But to hear it put into words like that, as a purposeful intent, it sounds incredibly strange. I've never ceased to be surprised by some of the supposedly 'commonly known' things in male circles though. Throughout the past several years of participating in male-oriented hobbies, I've had some groups of guys become comfortable enough to talk about women/relationships the way they usually do, in front of me. Found out quite a few surprising things, though admittedly this hasn't been one of them (though many have expressed the desire to 'one-up' a competitor, which might be similar ).
ChessPieceFace Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 the marriage was off and the respect was gone and it was all because I dared say "we'll see" instead of "absolutely, whatever you say dear". I totally learned from that and choose celibacy over partnership with any women so froggy about getting the answer they expect when they expect it. Oh to have that whole theater of life to do over I would have so kicked her ass to the curb. In every other matter I earned the benefit of the doubt that I could be counted upon to do the supportive and loving thing. I just couldn't earn it from that mental case. I think you still have some big life questions left to answer for yourself. Namely, why it took you that long to come to that realization in the first place. You're very lucky that incident happened or you could be married to a shrew right now. Men can't afford to be "blind" in terms of love nowadays. Easiest way to ruin your whole life.
MercuryMorrison1 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 In my opinion most men who spend time trying to dominate other men are themselves suffering from their own insecurity's. Truly and dominant men and ''women'' for that matter will just naturally be dominant without the establishment being necessary.
Emilia Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Is this true, do men try to dominate one another? What are some examples? They compete all the time, too many examples to mention. It's exhausting to watch and makes me glad to be a female. 2
Feelin Frisky Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I think you still have some big life questions left to answer for yourself. Namely, why it took you that long to come to that realization in the first place. You're very lucky that incident happened or you could be married to a shrew right now. Men can't afford to be "blind" in terms of love nowadays. Easiest way to ruin your whole life. I was 31 then and had been in an LTR before that for five years. So, I was naïve and had no real clue that "complexes" are real and can not be solved with logic. If only I knew then what I've figured out since. And the ultimate misfortune other than having so much hope dashed in that relationship, someone else came into my life to destroy what was left--a friend of my brother who was using har drugs and turned me on when I was vulnerable and drinking. It was like a trap door opening under me. I hadn't at all figured out that I had been stung by deep emotional attachment to person with BPD only to have drugs and crack hos and manipulative people parasiting off what was left of me. It's one thing to "pll yourself together", it's another to have your brain compromised in ways you didn't sign up for that most therapists can't treat and which takes a long time of hard work to sort out.
therhythm Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Yes, men are competitive by nature (in a different way than women are). You can see examples in the natural world (animals) where male animals perform a dance or other activities to conquest the female attention.... Most male animals are also more colourful than the females because they need to compete for the attention of those females. But I doubt a man can establish dominance... either you are a dominant person or you don't, you can't force it.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) Im sorry, but some of you all are being a bit harsh on YNL's guy... Ive seen your photos, YNL..You are an attractive woman..Not that an unattractive woman wouldnt get the same treatment, just that you are going to get a LOT of attention from random men. This puts "pressure" on your bf...You want to call it insecurity? Fine..Whatever.. All he is doing is what is relatively normal behavior(especially for an Alpha-if he is)..I think the only thing that is abnormal is that he verbalized it. Men, in general, arent really comfortable about their SO chatting up with other men. To think that they are just going to let it roll off their backs, they wont. And some of the responses from women are downright laughable:laugh: ..Id LOVE to know how many of the women would feel just fine and dandy if their men had regular other women "friends" that they skyped, texted, sent smoke signals to. whatever. Answer NONE of them:laugh: Women mark territory better than men do..Spare me.. My ex/w (and the GF, afterwards too) would tell me to FIRE attractive women employees based on nothing more than they would be in my presence and they are attractive. Its just simple human nature folks...Nothing more than that. And YNL, if you want to make your guy feel better then keep female friends around and ditch the male ones. If he(your friend) isnt fixing your car, or doing your taxes why make his(bf) life miserable? TFY Edited July 5, 2013 by thefooloftheyear
Emilia Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 This puts "pressure" on your bf...You want to call it insecurity? Fine..Whatever.. All he is doing is what is relatively normal behavior(especially for an Alpha-if he is)..I think the only thing that is abnormal is that he verbalized it. Men, in general, arent really comfortable about their SO chatting up with other men. To think that they are just going to let it roll off their backs, they wont. I agree that they are uncomfortable but to me this is the opposite of 'alpha' (hate that term ) behaviour. Maybe just lack of skills I suppose.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I agree that they are uncomfortable but to me this is the opposite of 'alpha' (hate that term ) behaviour. Maybe just lack of skills I suppose. What skills? I am not all that comfortable with the whole Alpha/Omega/Beta, either.. Im assuming you mean he should be confident enough in his "manhood" to accept this outsider and not worry that he might be trying to get in her pants. Its difficult, frankly..And it would be very difficult for a woman to accept as well, if the roles were reversed.. TFY
Emilia Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 What skills? I am not all that comfortable with the whole Alpha/Omega/Beta, either.. Im assuming you mean he should be confident enough in his "manhood" to accept this outsider and not worry that he might be trying to get in her pants. Its difficult, frankly..And it would be very difficult for a woman to accept as well... TFY No I mean playing the game without being so obvious. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) As much as I hate to say this, looks/appearance plays a significant role in this dynamic. Lets just say... You are a woman that happens to be with a very good looking man that has a great physique and gets hit on by women practically everywhere he goes. How comfortable are you going to be when you find out that he has 12 different women's phone numbers stored in his phone and you dont know any of them? Now be honest here.. The other scenario, you have an average "Joe six pack" kinda guy that is just another face in the crowd. You might see those numbers and think that must be the woman that cuts his hair, or one of his customers or the lady up the street that he takes care of snow removal for. In either case, it could be a red flag-or absolutely nothing, but you are going to be much more suspect of the hot guy..He has more opportunity. he is more "threatening". Same works for guys..Its not anything to get crazy about, but to say that it shouldnt matter one bit? You are kidding no one with that response. TFY Edited July 5, 2013 by thefooloftheyear
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