I'm in misery after confessing

[Strongbutshaken]

I need help. This is long, I'm sorry.

 

I just ended a 1.5 year long affair that started casual but over time, he started to push the emotional part.

 

6 months ago, I broke it off (for the second time) because I thought he had another OW (I had another OM and was trying to end that too). After 6 days NC, we talked more than ever and went back to having sex after 5 weeks.

 

We let our friends in on our relationship and they were supportive since they know how bad our marriages are. It was good till a friend told me that his A with the OOW had been for three years and hadn't ended that long ago.

 

I confronted OM, threatened to tell his wife and he told me for the first time that he loved me and said he had been ashamed. I understood what he meant when he said our A felt different than his other one. He told OW #1 that he loved me, started IC and worked hard on our relationship.

 

He told his wife that he didn't have feelings for her anymore and asked her to go to C. I tried to pull away and he begged me not to and said he couldn’t do it alone.

 

About two weeks ago, I "broke up" with him again but agreed to talk after our sporting event. When I got there, we could hear his wife screaming through his car's speakerphone. She said she was taking the kids to her home state. He called me as he drove off and I asked if I could just see him for two minutes but he said he really had to go.

 

The next day, I knew they had a beach day planned and it was also his anniversary weekend. I didn't hear from him that Friday (the beach day) or all day Saturday so I emailed and asked if I should be worried and he said "no."

 

On Monday (11 days ago), he acted like nothing happened. When I pressed, he said he was confused since she was so nice over the weekend. I said that I needed to back away and he immediately backpedaled. He said he knew it was hard for me to see him wavering but that he was thinking of his kids but that he didn't want to be "just friends" with me. As I had said MANY times in the past - it was one thing to do this in dead marriages, it's cruel to do this to a wife who is actually trying.

 

I knew the only way to really end this was to tell his W and my H.

 

I wrote her on FB and told her everything. She called me, told me I was scum and vile and I agreed with her, I answered her questions. She had also asked me two questions that I didn't answer and I felt bad about it.

 

One friend said OM said "she was so amazing and I f*cked it up" (about me) but then immediately started telling family that he never loved me like he loves her, that I was just sex. Two days later, the guilt of not answering her questions got to me, I sent her a follow up with the answers and that I was going to crawl into a hole and never contact her again. He disappeared from contacts, told a mutual friend that he blocked me and that his wife said that I was harrassing her and that she was going to get a restraining order... That upset me. So my friend sent back a message explaining and the OM was apparently surprised and apologetic.

 

She's been all over Facebook with her cryptic messages (friends tell me). She quit her job and was down with family for a week when I told her. She asked him to go NC, has had people patrolling/checking the house to make sure he was at home when he said he'd be and made him tell his boss.

 

OW #1 contacted me and I found out that there were times when he was with both of us on the same day but she did confirm that he seemed to be happy with me, that he had pulled away completely even before I found out. That was bittersweet to hear but also confirmed that telling was the right thing to do.

 

Four days after D-Day, he went through a lot to see me. I got to confront him about all of his lies. He didn’t even try to deny any of it. He seemed remorseful. He said he realizes that he needs serious help.

 

I had one last thing to tell him – I'm pregnant. He immediately started crying and asked why I didn’t tell him. I said I needed to see who he really was first. He asked if he could hug/hold me. I didn’t answer so he did it anyway. He said that things would have been different that he just needed time. We talked about this not being a good time to have a baby. He kissed me several times and said “if I get my life together, can I come find you?” I didn’t answer. His wife was texting the whole time and I knew he’d have to get home before the patroller realized he was out. He told me he didn’t want to leave, several times, and then asked me to open the door and push him out - so I did.

 

I had a moment the next day when I was pissed because I was left alone to deal with this pregnancy, he broke NC and sent me an email apologizing for the hurt he’s caused. That was almost a week ago. No contact since and I personally have no desire to try to reach out.

 

I think his wife is going to take him back and while I am hurt but I hope this results in all of us getting better. My life with my H is hell but I want this to be the push we need to end this dying M. He’s just so angry and hurt on top of our established problems.

 

The OM's friends have told me to prepare myself in case he contacts me at some point. I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I think he’s going to try his hardest to convince his wife that he’s committed to fixing things.

 

What the hell, people? I'm a hot mess. I don't know what I'm doing...

[jlola]

Who's baby is it? Do you plan on telling your husband about the affair?

[Strongbutshaken]

The baby is the OM's. My husband had a vasectomy years ago. My husband knows and it's hell on earth right now. He's been very rageful. I thought he was going to kill us both in the car the other day.

[jlola]

Why did you not use protection during the affair? Hw will your husband face his family? This is a difficult situation. If you want a divorce I think chances are, you ill get it.

[Strongbutshaken]

Because I'm a thoughtless idiot. I'm every cliche you can think of when you imagine a dumb mistress. As for my husband's family... I wrote every one of them and confessed. I'm not hiding from this.

[Eggplant]

Stay calm. You can freak out later once you're out of the thick of things.

 

I assume you're keeping the baby, since you didn't say otherwise.

 

If I were you, I'd move to another state. You can't raise your child among all the hatred and chaos sewn by the affair. He'll pay child support. (That'll piss off the wife, who should throw him to the wolves.) Or maybe you want to cut ties ... it depends. Do whatever is best for your kid.

 

Divorce your husband. He'll never recover.

 

Get THERAPY. Get help from your family.

[Strongbutshaken]

I haven't decided on whether to keep the baby. I have already cut ties with the OM but our friends fear that if I keep it, he will contact me. They think he's going to eventually break NC anyway but that's not based on him saying he wants to, they just think that's going to happen.

 

Debating whether I should go through the trouble of creating a new email, getting a new phone number, etc... when I think the chances of hearing from him are too low to even bother.

 

I am going to divorce my husband. Our marriage was shattered four years ago and it never recovered and I think that's why I ended up having an A. This isn't like me, I hate who I have become which is why I exposed this and am taking whatever comes my way.

 

My marriage is... a week prior to confessing, I was depressed and crying in my room and my husband spent 26 minutes describing the reasons I should kill myself while I silently cried. That's what I'm dealing with.

 

I have no family. I am alone in this country and I have started therapy.

[USMCHokie]

My marriage is... a week prior to confessing, I was depressed and crying in my room and my husband spent 26 minutes describing the reasons I should kill myself while I silently cried. That's what I'm dealing with.

 

Hmmm, I wonder, based on all the recent rumblings of counting a fetus as a valid life...if a pregnant woman attempts suicide and fails, can she be charged with attempted murder...?

[Strongbutshaken]

I've been wondering the same thing... I had the pills in my mouth later that night but got interrupted. I've seriously contemplated just getting it over with.

 

I guess some people feel I deserve this and I guess I do. This forum was really my last attempt to save my own life right now. I'm very alone, I'm very horrified with myself and very scared.

[canuckprincess]

I haven't decided on whether to keep the baby. I have already cut ties with the OM but our friends fear that if I keep it, he will contact me. They think he's going to eventually break NC anyway but that's not based on him saying he wants to, they just think that's going to happen.

 

Debating whether I should go through the trouble of creating a new email, getting a new phone number, etc... when I think the chances of hearing from him are too low to even bother.

 

I am going to divorce my husband. Our marriage was shattered four years ago and it never recovered and I think that's why I ended up having an A. This isn't like me, I hate who I have become which is why I exposed this and am taking whatever comes my way.

 

My marriage is... a week prior to confessing, I was depressed and crying in my room and my husband spent 26 minutes describing the reasons I should kill myself while I silently cried. That's what I'm dealing with.

 

I have no family. I am alone in this country and I have started therapy.

 

My heart is aching for you, may I ask where your from? Please don't be afraid to manage on your own. Get away from your husband ASAP he sounds toxic. Your life and the life of your baby is incredibly precious. If you someone to talk to I can give you my email address and if you need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here to help. No one deserves to be going through what you are.

Edited July 5, 2013 by canuckprincess

[Strongbutshaken]

Thank you very much, Forum Lurker. I appreciate your words.

 

Canuck - thank you also. From your screenname it seems like we might hail from the same home and native land.

[canuckprincess]

Thank you very much, Forum Lurker. I appreciate your words.

 

Canuck - thank you also. From your screenname it seems like we might hail from the same home and native land.

 

Yes I'm Canadian, are you in Canada or the USA? Please ignore that op, he or she will be hit by the karma bus.

[Treasa]

I don't really have any words of advice, except that I am hurting for you. I wish I could hug you or brush your hair or...something.

 

I am thinking good, loving thoughts for you.

 

Please take care of yourself. Please don't even think about ending your life. You can still have a lot of happiness in your future.

 

I don't think you should be with either man, and definitely get that divorce. Please try to be around supportive people who love you.

 

Take care of yourself and your child, assuming you decide to keep it.

[veryhappy]

What is wrong with a bit of tough love?

 

You are applying tough love to a suicidal person. I really doubt that you are that kind of person to want to push someone over the edge. You've petted so many OW on the back with "I'm sure you're essentially a good person". Now you decide to apply tough love?!?!

[Pierre]

You are applying tough love to a suicidal person. I really doubt that you are that kind of person to want to push someone over the edge. You've petted so many OW on the back with "I'm sure you're essentially a good person". Now you decide to apply tough love?!?!

 

Oops, I did not see the suicide. You are correct, she needs immediate intervention.

[veryhappy]

OP, try to become stable before making any decisions especially regarding your baby. Hopefully you have some time to decide.

 

Ask for help please. Your H seems part of the problem. Can you move out? Can you go back where your family is? You might feel ashamed, but your survival is more important right now. Don't have an abortion if you don't want to because it might seem easier for everyone. That kind of void is much bigger than the temporary apparent solution. As a woman, you have the luxury of doing what you want and if you wqnt this baby and nobody else does you can have it.

 

Your MM...don't count on him. He might try to convince you to have an abortion directly or indirectly so he doesn't have to deal with the wife. Isn't it hilarious how an allegedly dead marriage is pulsating with life after one weekend of showing interest?

 

You are in a very tough place, but time has a way of making things better if you let it and do your part.

[Strongbutshaken]

thank you so much to the people who have been so gracious. I do believe that you can support a fellow human being without supporting their poor decisions.

 

there is not one thing that anyone can say to me to make me feel worse. you know nothing about my past or the road that led me to this horrible hell but make no mistake I know what I've done, I have put myself on display with my scarlet letter clearly showing. I know what I am and I'm just trying to survive because the person I used to be is dead. how can you find your way when you don't know who you are anymore?

 

I was a good person, I was the person everyone turned to for support and I was motivated, optimistic and loyal. I never thought this would be my life and I judged people like me and I think that's maybe why I got this karma. To teach me a lesson that anyone can get to this place under the wrong and right circumstances. It's coming out of it that's hard because if people like Pierre can say that I don't deserve any support because I've made mistakes does that not imply that I am irreparably damaged? Why go on living if I'm that defective?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I never thought this would be my life and I judged people like me and I think that's maybe why I got this karma.

 

This has nothing to do with your judging people, this has to do with poor decisions that were made for whatever reason. You can continue to make poor decisions and ones based on your heart or feelings, or you can begin to make decisions based on your desire for a much improved future. The choice has been and will always be yours to make. I wish you well.

[Pierre]

thank you so much to the people who have been so gracious. I do believe that you can support a fellow human being without supporting their poor decisions.

 

there is not one thing that anyone can say to me to make me feel worse. you know nothing about my past or the road that led me to this horrible hell but make no mistake I know what I've done, I have put myself on display with my scarlet letter clearly showing. I know what I am and I'm just trying to survive because the person I used to be is dead. how can you find your way when you don't know who you are anymore?

 

I was a good person, I was the person everyone turned to for support and I was motivated, optimistic and loyal. I never thought this would be my life and I judged people like me and I think that's maybe why I got this karma. To teach me a lesson that anyone can get to this place under the wrong and right circumstances. It's coming out of it that's hard because if people like Pierre can say that I don't deserve any support because I've made mistakes does that not imply that I am irreparably damaged? Why go on living if I'm that defective?

 

All of us make mistakes. You are no different!

 

What really matters is what you do now. It seems you recognize this is your own doing and it seems you show remorse. It seems you are not blaming others, but yourself. If that is the case you deserve all the support in the world.

 

The road to recovery is to acknowledge your errors. Once you have done that you are free once again. IF you have empathy for others, if you know your actions can harm others then you deserve support.

 

 

God bless!

[Strongbutshaken]

I very much appreciate that, Pierre. I'm really just holding on right now. My self-hatred is almost unbearable.

[underwater2010]

Are you planning on having the baby?

 

If so make sure you divorce, which it sounds like you have decided. Then chose to live for the precious innocent child.

[jlola]

Can you find someone to speak with "in real life"? A sister, a friend? You really do need someone you can call anytime to talk to. This is big. But you will get through it.

 

My half-sister is the child of my father's affair,her son is also a child of an affair. It can be done. Have faith.

 

the father needs to step up now. He should be the person who consoles you. Please do not let him off the hook for this. He was part of this and it is his child also. His wife needs to know .

[Strongbutshaken]

I don't really have a family. I just have my brother and my grandmother back home but I don't want to freak her out with this. My brother is doing what he can. I'm trying, it's hard in a new city.

 

I haven't decided if I'm going to keep it but you guys are really helping me feel more positive about this. I've been so alone with my thoughts and it turned so ugly, especially with my husband telling me how worthless I am (he's been doing that for years - just feels worse now).

 

I'm not going to contact the MM. He knows about the baby so if he doesn't want to reach out, that's on him but I've intruded on their lives enough as it is. I told so that this could be over and I believe that it is.

[Pierre]

I don't really have a family. I just have my brother and my grandmother back home but I don't want to freak her out with this. My brother is doing what he can. I'm trying, it's hard in a new city.

 

I haven't decided if I'm going to keep it but you guys are really helping me feel more positive about this. I've been so alone with my thoughts and it turned so ugly, especially with my husband telling me how worthless I am (he's been doing that for years - just feels worse now).

 

I'm not going to contact the MM. He knows about the baby so if he doesn't want to reach out, that's on him but I've intruded on their lives enough as it is. I told so that this could be over and I believe that it is.

 

If you are religious have the baby.

 

If you are not religious I suggest an abortion.

 

Move on.

 

This is what you need to fix:

 

Women that are desperate to be loved often choose very poorly. They are attracted to the players and the cheaters because these men recognize women with low self esteem and know what to say and how to act.

 

 

Decent men are innocent, they don't know how to take advantage of women with low self esteem in search of validation. However these men seem boring to you because you need the smooth talk to feel validated.

 

You need to go at it alone and then pick men that are not charmers, smooth, players ,and cheating MMs. These men simply take advantage of women with low self esteem.

[underwater2010]

You should also contact his wife at this point and let her know that you pregnant. This is not something that should be dumped on her lap should you file for child support in the future.