Reverse DDay (in complete shock)

[underwater2010]

Wow....your MM just left you in the lurch. Does that tell you what kind of person he is now?

 

I also wonder what he told his wife. How did he explain away being roughed up like that?

 

You need to file a restraining order against him and just maybe think about avoiding relationships until this is all under control. He is not only a danger to you but anyone you engage in a relationship with.

 

Be safe.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I don't entirely agree with anyone stating that because he's a man, MM should be protecting you, and you should find a man who's willing to protect you.

 

I'm sorry, but yuck. Yes, he should have tried to protect you-but not because you're some weak, helpless female. He should have tried to protect you because you were being assaulted.

 

That's the only point I'm making; not because she's female, but because she was being assaulted. **** this gender sh*t. I've never expected to be protected by men just because I'm female. I'd rather try to hold my own. If it becomes clear that I am unable to (either due to a very large, vicious opponent, or being outnumbered) then yes, please do help me-this also works if a crack whore is attacking me (I've faced this possibility too many times; there are some scary b*tches in the world, not that I'd ever give them the satisfaction).

 

Just sayin'.

 

Anyway LilGirl, file those charges. Like others have said, to hell with protecting your ex husband; he doesn't deserve it. There was no reason for him to think he had any rights to you, still. This sounds remarkably like my brother's father; my mom hadn't been with him for seven years, or more. My mom let him live with us when I was about four (to the age of six) when he fell on hard times. They never slept together; I know, as I slept in my mom's bed fairly often at that time.

 

When he found out my mom started dating the man who became my step-father, he went ballistic like this, too.

 

You don't need this drama. File charges, and get your ex out of your life.

[spice4life]

I don't understand why you would come to a message board with something that is this serious in nature. You should be at the hospital getting checked out for cracked ribs and filing charges with the police. Your MM IS NOT going to protect you; only the police and courts will. Please stop sitting back and rationalizing this behavior on both your stbxh and your MM. Neither one has YOUR best interest at heart. As a matter of fact, your MM is probably in CYA mode, so his wife doesn't find out.

 

Smarten up girl and start looking out for nobody but yourself. No one in this story is looking out for you! They only have their own interest at heart - not yours! Find a therapist who specializes in counseling domestic abuse victims and go to them for support and guidance. Your stbxh could very well kill you next time he is in a drunken rage! He needs to be put in jail and forced into anger management counseling pronto. His actions are criminal and by letting him get away with it you are only encouraging his behavior.

 

Oh, and any man who runs away to protect his butt when a woman is being abused is a true blue coward. I can't believe he left you alone with this man.

[Pierre]

I said a long time ago this MM was a POS. He told OP all the time that she deserved nothing but the best in a relationship and OP bought that. This is a paradox because the POS is not the best that OP deserves. This fool cant tell OP idiotic things and she believes everything. This man is a POS because he takes advantage of the extreme naive state of OP.

 

As any POS he only cares about his own skin.

 

The question is:

 

 

Why is OP in love with the POS?

 

 

Easy, the POS says what OP wants to hear and he pays attention to her.

[Turtles]

I don't entirely agree with anyone stating that because he's a man, MM should be protecting you, and you should find a man who's willing to protect you.

 

I'm sorry, but yuck. Yes, he should have tried to protect you-but not because you're some weak, helpless female. He should have tried to protect you because you were being assaulted.

 

 

Exactly... if a male buddy was getting roughed up I wouldn't be running with my tail between my legs either... at the very least I would call the cop and stick around to make sure he makes it out OK... and I'd like to think if it happened to me and a female friend was there she would not simply run off either. Basic human quality and I certainly wouldn't want anything to do with a "friend" who didn't do that. He has shown his true colors, if there was any doubt!!

[JustAReformedGirl]

Exactly... if a male buddy was getting roughed up I wouldn't be running with my tail between my legs either... at the very least I would call the cop and stick around to make sure he makes it out OK... and I'd like to think if it happened to me and a female friend was there she would not simply run off either. Basic human quality and I certainly wouldn't want anything to do with a "friend" who didn't do that. He has shown his true colors, if there was any doubt!!

 

Exactly. My friends (most of whom are male) and I have an agreement; if a female attacks them, and they are unable to restrain her (they refuse to hit back, due to social stigma) and I'm there...well, that b*tch will be going down, by my hand.

 

If I'm getting the sh*t kicked out of me by a guy I can't handle, or a group-it's a veritable free-for-all. Luckily, it hasn't gotten quite that bad. One of my friends was stabbed protecting the group (a crack head was harassing us every day for weeks, usually waiting until we were alone, or only a couple of us-while he had anywhere from 6-12 people with him, at any given time), and it took us all a long time to come to terms with it. He lived (stabbed in the heck; muscle tissue saved him, and he won the fight before realizing he'd been stabbed), but we had mixed guilt issues, since he'd been protecting us. Ever since, I can't deal with the prospect of someone getting hurt for me again. Not unless I try and fail to protect myself.

 

Edit: Also, this was occurring when my daughter was only a few months old. We lived in a rough part of town, and it was pretty difficult, for awhile.

Edited July 5, 2013 by Rebel-Dynasty

[LilGirlandOW]

to be fair for MM the violence towards me happened much after (1hour later) MM was ejected out of my house. At that point xH rage was soley focused on MM, I had to interviene so xH didnt beat the crap out of him, xH even went as far as to try to hit his car as he was leaving.....

 

I think with everything happening so suddenly he didnt see my immediate danger,

 

That being said...

 

I did talk to him on the phone after and he was scared to come back to see me although we spoke for hours about everything and my well being...

[spice4life]

MM did nothing to help aside from be on the phone with me.

 

He said for us to meet somewhere last night to talk cause I was hysterical, but I didnt have my car.... then shortly after the police showed up.

 

MM may be a coward, but he also didnt deserve any of this... getting roughed up and everything, I know i have to get things sorted just what, when, how, etc etc... This is all so sudden

 

Oh my Gosh! You are sitting there, possibly with cracked ribs, and all you can think about is how your MM didn't deserve any of this. I'm sorry, but he opened himself up to this risk by having an affair with you knowing full well that your stbxh is an abuser. Please stop making excuses for others who should be owning their own actions! He knew what he was getting into and decided to get involved anyway. He should be apologizing to you for stringing you along by acting like your KISA instead of encouraging you to seek counseling for support and protection. He was fulfilling his own KISA fetish instead of being a TRUE friend and pointing you in the right direction where you can find true support.

 

It's time for you to own your own actions and step up to the plate and truly start taking care of yourself. Once you start to do that your whole life will change. Depending on others and putting them first before your own safety wil only land you in this situation again and again until you finally learn.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh; I'm just trying shake some sense into your thinking. You are viewing things from a very skewed perspective and therapy can help you figure that out.

[spice4life]

to be fair for MM the violence towards me happened much after (1hour later) MM was ejected out of my house. At that point xH rage was soley focused on MM, I had to interviene so xH didnt beat the crap out of him, xH even went as far as to try to hit his car as he was leaving.....

 

I think with everything happening so suddenly he didnt see my immediate danger,

 

That being said...

 

I did talk to him on the phone after and he was scared to come back to see me although we spoke for hours about everything and my well being...

 

You're only making excuses. Nothing in this above post justifies what happened. It is more rationalization on your part.

 

I've said my piece and now I will bow out of this thread. I hope one day you find the courage to stand up and start taking care of yourself and are able to look back and see this for what it really is. Best of luck to you.

[LilGirlandOW]

yes, the hard part is MM is my lover and best friend, he may have acted unlike one would hope by sticking around while the chaos was happening, but its 2pm and we've already texted 437 times, he really does care or at least I feel he does...

 

I dont know what to think anymore,

 

I doubt I can let him go,

 

And still, I am the OW

[DelusionalOne]

MM did nothing to help aside from be on the phone with me.

 

He said for us to meet somewhere last night to talk cause I was hysterical, but I didnt have my car.... then shortly after the police showed up.

 

MM may be a coward, but he also didnt deserve any of this... getting roughed up and everything, I know i have to get things sorted just what, when, how, etc etc... This is all so sudden

 

Sorry this is a crock of shyte! My xAP and I haven't been together in over 5 months but I know, beyond any doubt, that he would put himself between me and any man trying to beat me... Not because it's me but because it's the kind of man he is.

 

I would never, ever, EVER be with a man who would leave me to face eminent danger alone while he saved his own ass. I don't care what pretty words he was spinning or how great he was in bed!

[KathyM]

I don't entirely agree with anyone stating that because he's a man, MM should be protecting you, and you should find a man who's willing to protect you.

If you want to take gender out of this equation, as a HUMAN BEING, he should have taken action to protect her. He did not. He could have called the police, which he should have done, but he did not. He left her there with a dangerous person to fend for herself with no help from anybody. Any other person, regardless of gender, would have called the police, but he was too concerned about himself and the potential consequences of the affair being found out to do so, so he chose to run away and leave her in harm's way.

I'm sorry, but yuck. Yes, he should have tried to protect you-but not because you're some weak, helpless female. He should have tried to protect you because you were being assaulted.

Yes, he should have tried to protect her, and he did not. He could have called the police. He was only concerned about his own ass.

That's the only point I'm making; not because she's female, but because she was being assaulted. **** this gender sh*t. I've never expected to be protected by men just because I'm female. I'd rather try to hold my own. If it becomes clear that I am unable to (either due to a very large, vicious opponent, or being outnumbered) then yes, please do help me-this also works if a crack whore is attacking me (I've faced this possibility too many times; there are some scary b*tches in the world, not that I'd ever give them the satisfaction).

 

Just sayin'.

This is not a gender issue, it is a humanity issue. He failed to help her. He abandoned her and left her in a dangerous place. He could have called the police, but he did nothing, except to call her afterwards to try to resume the affair.

Anyway LilGirl, file those charges. Like others have said, to hell with protecting your ex husband; he doesn't deserve it. There was no reason for him to think he had any rights to you, still. This sounds remarkably like my brother's father; my mom hadn't been with him for seven years, or more. My mom let him live with us when I was about four (to the age of six) when he fell on hard times. They never slept together; I know, as I slept in my mom's bed fairly often at that time.

 

When he found out my mom started dating the man who became my step-father, he went ballistic like this, too.

 

You don't need this drama. File charges, and get your ex out of your life.

And while you're at it, get the cowardly MM out of your life as well. You don't need these losers.

[Pierre]

yes, the hard part is MM is my lover and best friend, he may have acted unlike one would hope by sticking around while the chaos was happening, but its 2pm and we've already texted 437 times, he really does care or at least I feel he does...

 

I dont know what to think anymore,

 

I doubt I can let him go,

 

And still, I am the OW

 

As long as he pays attention to you everything is OK. He truly validates you despite running away. He always knows what to say. And if you ever try to leave him he will get down on his knees and beg. That is the kind of man he is, he will beg you.

[xxoo]

It sounds like the secrecy of the affair is putting you in a very dangerous situation. Your desire to protect MM from exposure is stronger than your desire to protect yourself from physical harm.

 

What advice would you give a sister on the same situation?

[Quiet Storm]

You decide how you want your life to be.

 

There are things you can do to end this drama.

 

If you truly want peace, you must stop being a victim and take control of your own life.

 

Do you want peace? Or do you thrive on drama and conflict? Really think about it, and examine how your attraction to certain men reflects that.

 

Would you be attracted to a calm, stable, well balanced man, or would he bore you?

 

This is your life... What do you want from it? You are in the process of ending a marriage thatwas not good for you. Personal growth will not happen if you replace him with men that continue to drag you down.

 

Maybe you should take a break from relationships. Be alone. Find ways to be happy without men. Find joy and excitement in personal accomplishments. Love yourself. Baby yourself. Disengage from any dramas. Instead of analyzing mm, and wondering why he does what he does, be introspective and figure yourself out. Value yourself more than you value romantic relationships.

 

Why didn't you call 911 the second he started to kick down the door? Why was your natural inclination to protect mm rather than your own personal safety? Why are you not getting an order of protection? Why are you not seeking medical attention for your injuries? Why is it that you feel compassion for mm, instead of outrage for not even having the decency to call the police after his escape? All of your choices and thought processes are indicitive of a person with very low self worth. Your default programming is off, and drama and strife will continue to find you until you reprogram your default. Many women have high self esteem- they are satisfied with their looks and personality, they are self confident & self assured BUT at the same time they have very low self worth, which is reflected in the choices they make and the things they tolerate. It would benefit you to explore that.

 

Wishing you peace and healing.

[MissBee]

yes, the hard part is MM is my lover and best friend, he may have acted unlike one would hope by sticking around while the chaos was happening, but its 2pm and we've already texted 437 times, he really does care or at least I feel he does...

 

I dont know what to think anymore,

 

I doubt I can let him go,

 

And still, I am the OW

 

I'm sorry Lil, I genuinely don't believe women or men who've been in long term abusive relationships can just graduate to healthy ones with no work on their part. Usually they move on to someone who is less abusive, so it seems like an upgrade or some other messed up scenario. No doubt all that emotional abuse affects you, in ways you probably don't even realize. I think the fact that you "upgraded" to having a relationship with an unavailable man, i.e. married, who claims to love you but LITERALLY left you, after your door was kicked in by a man he knows to be abusive, who roughed him up,and he never calls the police, never comes back, he is STILL scared to come see you after you've been physically assaulted. All he does is go home and texts you and the fact that you think that texting you 500 from the safety of his house is some grand gesture....it shows your standard for what love and care are, is not the norm. Almost nobody in this thread agrees with his behavior and your reading of it: be they BS, OW, FOW, WS.

 

There is no excuse for how he acted. On so many fronts he could have stepped up. After initially being shocked, in the time it took him to drive home, he could have called the cops. When he got home he could have. He could have come back to see you...shiiiiit, he could have even called you. He could have suggested you not stay home that night because he's worried for you and pay for a hotel room for you and come see you there if he didn't want to come by your house in fear of a repeat. He did NOTHING....except text you incessantly. Texting...I think texting is the laziest form of communication in general. Even when I'm dating, I don't put much stock in a man who makes texting his primary medium of communication. If things are important and if a man is serious about me, he calls at the least, then sees me face to face at minimum. I would be FURIOUS and lose all respect for a man who after such a horrible thing, which he was THERE for, he simply texted me.

 

 

Lil, all relationships get tested and come to a head. I think this incident was horrible, but was a serious, real life, incident that should slap you out of any rose-tinted, lovey-dovey, bubble to ask yourself what is MM and your relationship really worth? What do you get from MM? Where do you see this going? I would totally understand an OW falling more inlove if MM had stepped up. I could see her then saying, see he loves me so much. But your situation just shows a man who is cowardly, despite his care for you. He cares for you so long as his life is not in danger or so long as his wife won't find out. That is horrible and many As are this way. The MP may care or "love" their AP but when shyt hits the fan, who they choose to protect and be loyal to says a lot and many will only be there for the AP if it is no threat to them. That's messed up. Do you really want a man whose height of care, while you have bruised ribs after being assaulted is to run home and once he is safely home, he texts (probably can't call because he doesn't want his wife to overhear) you to say he still wants to continue the affair and hope you're alright??? LIL...please wake up and demand more for yourself. I'd totally put MM on pause. You have EVERY FRICKIN RIGHT to be angry with him! Don't justify his behavior. It's indefensible. He could have done so much. Even if in the moment he froze, he had plenty time to act in his own interest later, so how come even later, even today, he is still at home texting like a 14 yr old boy instead of offering to come over, to help you out, to stay with you, get you a hotel, anything?????

 

Lil..it's up to you to decide what love is to you and what's worth it. I don't give a shiiiiit about texting or a man saying he loves me. Those things are frickin meaningless. I want a man in my life whose love for me is palpable, who when I'm in a bind, he steps up and doesn't stop stepping up, who will worry sick about me, as I him, who doesn't have to stop to assess if him helping me and potentially saving my life will cost him a dday , and who won't hesitate to DO all he can to make sure I'm okay, because essentially, if I'm not okay, he isn't either. If he can't give me that...I have no use for him. Most women here would have dropped MM like a bad habit after this debacle, as it played out before your very eyes, what's what. I really think this should be a crossroads where you think about yourself, the men you've been with, any patterns among them, what MM is and offers and if it is truly enough for you. I won't reiterate all the other stuff everyone said about the restraining order, taking pics of your injuries etc. as many people gave great advice about it!

[JustAReformedGirl]

If you want to take gender out of this equation, as a HUMAN BEING, he should have taken action to protect her. He did not. He could have called the police, which he should have done, but he did not. He left her there with a dangerous person to fend for herself with no help from anybody. Any other person, regardless of gender, would have called the police, but he was too concerned about himself and the potential consequences of the affair being found out to do so, so he chose to run away and leave her in harm's way.

 

 

 

Yes, he should have tried to protect her, and he did not. He could have called the police. He was only concerned about his own ass.

 

I know. That was essentially the point I made; he should have protected her because she was being assaulted, human-to-human. I can understand him being momentarily dazed, but that usually wears off rather quickly, when facing another person being victimized.

 

OP, you said he was out of the house? As in just outside, or he took off? Why didn't he call the police, at the very least?

 

This is not a gender issue, it is a humanity issue. He failed to help her. He

abandoned her and left her in a dangerous place. He could have called the

police, but he did nothing, except to call her afterwards to try to resume the

affair.

 

I only pointed out gender because others specifically made mention of him "not being any kind of man, leaving her to fend for herself". If they had left it at, "what kind of human being just leaves another to be victimized, I wouldn't have brought it up. Agreed, though; he left her, entirely, to fend for herself. He could have called the police, informed neighbours...anything else, other than abandoning her with her drunkard ex husband.

[save150]

yes, the hard part is MM is my lover and best friend, he may have acted unlike one would hope by sticking around while the chaos was happening, but its 2pm and we've already texted 437 times, he really does care or at least I feel he does...

 

I dont know what to think anymore,

 

I doubt I can let him go,

 

And still, I am the OW

 

This affair fog is really clouding your common sense!!! Your XH violently assaulted you!! You're darling MM bailed out on you at the start of it!!! And you're making excuses for MM and your situation.

 

You got some very good advice in this thread - police report, RO, medical care, documentation, BIG DOG (I suggest a German Shepherd) and giving MM his walking papers.

 

I'm going to be blunt. If you wind up dead, your MM will not pine away for you!

(I'm sorry if anyone gets upset with me. I had to say it.)

[ChasingCars]

 

If you truly want peace, you must stop being a victim and take control of your own life.

 

Do you want peace? Or do you thrive on drama and conflict? Really think about it, and examine how your attraction to certain men reflects that.

 

Would you be attracted to a calm, stable, well balanced man, or would he bore you?

 

 

 

"Creating chaos" is a faulty coping mechanism for some people.

These posts stand out to me because they have the same repeat theme,

"OMG, LOOK what happened TODAY and TODAY and AGAIN TODAY!!"

 

You can change that; I believe you mentioned a new therapist who Dx'ed you with "Obsessive Love Disorder" on the first visit...there are lots of therapists out there if this one doesn't work out. Just saying.

 

It's possible to feel calm and ok in your own skin with nothing exciting going on.

 

For you

[LilGirlandOW]

this is all great advice, thank you all. It feels, in my experience that when you deal with many years of any type of abuse you lock yourself, your soul and as much of your pride and heart away in a safe place and throw away the key... trying to keep as much of yourself in a safe place before your ruined..

 

I'm gonna start looking for the key

[HopingAgain]

Please, please, please...get some counseling to repair your self esteem. After your MMs actions last night, it would be a winning bet in Vegas that he DOES NOT love you. One would have to wonder if he even cares for you at all. Not only did he not stay to protect you, he didn't even call the police anonymously to report that you were alone with a raging maniac. You could have been killed! I repeat, your MM does NOT lovr you...his actions last night proved it!

[LilGirlandOW]

And now this...

 

Yes! And ive never been a drama sucking person, I'm quiet and keep to myself mostly, always have.. Last night was the worst night of my life, BY FAR

 

If things come in 3's and get worse with each incident, I cant imagine what to expect next, this is something nobody would have ever predicted xH never just shows up like this, MM visits ALL the time, without incident

[Pierre]

And now this...

 

Yes! And ive never been a drama sucking person, I'm quiet and keep to myself mostly, always have.. Last night was the worst night of my life, BY FAR

 

If things come in 3's and get worse with each incident, I cant imagine what to expect next, this is something nobody would have ever predicted xH never just shows up like this, MM visits ALL the time, without incident

 

Ex H has been stalking you.

 

I suggest you tell MM to go underground. Your exH may very well put him in the hospital.

[whichwayisup]

Did I miss something? Less than a week ago you posted you were going NC with your MM.

 

Do please seek counseling so you can heal and get your self esteem back after the abuse your exH has done to you. I'm so sorry that you've been through such a horrible time.

 

Your (ex)MM? It's time to let go and be with no man until you're feeling healthy and happy. This guy is just going to mess you up even more along the way and he's hurting you. I don't understand why you want him when he's shown you so many times who he is. He hurts you his his actions!

 

Once his wife finds out (courtesy of your exH) your A more than likely is over completely.

[threelaurels]

You have gone from one abusive relationship to another. MM has shown who he truly is. He may love you, but he doesn't love you enough to leave his wife or sacrifice his own interests for your sake. He's doing nothing more than wasting your precious time. When push comes to shove, he won't be at your side. He'll be texting you from the bed he shares with his wife while she curls up beside him.

 

Your love for him is unhealthy and obsessive. Have you had problems breaking up with previous boyfriends, or is it just letting go of MM that has been so hard? You need to ween yourself off of him, or else d-day is going to push you off the deep end.

 

The outcome will be the same either way. He doesn't want to leave his wife. It's your choice whether you want to suffer until the day someone else makes the decision to break it off for you or to take control of your life and make the decision yourself.